Greatest Mistake

Occasus

Chapter 1

A/N: This is written for an LJ challenge by my dear Reddwarfer. It's Remus/Harry and it has five parts to it. This fic is completed. Yay. So updates won't take me twenty years! lol. Enjoy and review

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To almost everyone I’ve loved in my life, all I'd ever been was a mistake. I don't say this out of pity or some form of angsty repressed teenaged feelings. I say this because it's true. It's never bothered me, not really. Not even when my father, drunk and bitter, told me about my birth.

I had just celebrated my sixth birthday and curiously, I inquired about the only mother I had ever known. The photo of a red-haired woman up on our mantle.

"She made the ultimate sacrifice for you, Harry," my father slurred from his place on the sofa. "She died giving you life." My father's eyes slid closed and he began to murmur, "Could've made another just as easily. Could've saved her."

I didn't know exactly what those words meant. To my six-year-old brain I just thought he was upset. I didn't understand the pain of loss or death yet. But I would. And his words would come back to haunt me full force.

It didn't matter six months after that, however, when the tumour appeared. It was in the middle of winter and I'd been ill, so when my hearing abruptly stopped in my right ear, I didn't think anything of it. When I got better, though, and my ear did not, I went to my father.

He couldn't tell whether I was doing it for attention, though I know now that's what he suspected, so he let it go. A fortnight later, however, I was in excruciating pain. It felt as though the whole side of my head was going to explode with a strange sort of pressure and all I could do was scream.

Terrified, my father rushed me to the hospital and they confirmed that I had been right all along. Something was wrong with me. A malignant tumour had attached itself to the inside of my ear, right against my eardrum.

After the biopsy to determine whether the tumour was cancerous or not, I was lightly sedated but my good ear picked up the conversation my father and the doctor were having at the edge of my bed.

"Is it terminal?" my father questioned in a subdued voice.

"It doesn't have to be," the doctor replied. "With the removal of the tumour and some radiation treatments he should be fine."

"Sounds costly," my father replied.

"It can be as well," the doctor said with a shrug. "There's also a good chance Harry will lose a significant amount of hearing during this process. You might want to look into another form of communication for him."

"You mean..." I saw my father waggle his fingers in the air out of the corner of my eye. "That sort of thing?"

"Precisely. I can't say what he will and won't be able to hear at this point. I won't be able to say what will happen until the radiation is complete but I would still be prepared."

"And if we opt to refuse treatment or removal of the tumour?"

The doctor paused at this. My father's tone was odd, though I couldn't put my finger on it. "He will die."

With a nod, my father leant against the doorframe and crossed his arms in thought.

"The procedure is simple," the doctor said in a more insistent voice. "Mr Potter, this is your son's life here. It's a simple procedure. He need not die from something so simple."

"Childbirth should have been simple. A woman need not die from such a thing either."

The doctor paused and let out a loud breath. "There are some things we can't prevent, and some things we can."

"Where do I make the appointment," my father eventually asked and the doctor led him out of the room.

I suppose at that moment I should have been both angry and relieved at my father for his hesitance and decision, but I was too young for that. Most of what I'd heard were Grown-up Words. Things I would understand when I Got Older.

Of course I understand them now. The meaning behind it all, the way my father waited and hesitated to save my life. But in the end he did and I suppose I owe him at least that much.

The surgery took place a fortnight after the initial hospitalisation. From that point to the end of the radiation therapy things were blurry. It was a mixture of frustration, pain, illness and anger for both my father and me.

I could barely hear, which irritated me. I was ill from the radiation and slept most of the time. My father was frustrated at the world for killing his wife and then giving his son a tumour that would change his life in such a way.

As the weeks wore on, my treatments stopped and I was finally allowed to recover and be a kid again. I had been out of school and my father had to hire a tutor to help catch me up on things. A conversation with the doctor and a fear of a tumour reoccurring in my other ear prompted my father to seek out a school for the deaf.

I was unhappy about this. I missed my friends and I could communicate fine, but my father's word was law. After seeking one, a boarding school in northern Cambridge, my father bid me farewell and left me to my own devices.

And I was terrified.

It was frightening to see all of these students, none of them hearing, most of them not speaking. I didn't know their language and I was different. I could hear their footfalls on the corridor tiles, I could hear the teacher talking as she instructed them on how to properly form words along with their hand signals.

I could hear. Not well, but I could still hear.

Yet, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to belong somewhere and not be so different. So I took my lessons in earnest and began to sign. I quickly learnt that some of the students were like me. Some could hear things, just not well. Some could speak perfectly, some could not speak at all. But they accepted me as I was.

I'd actually made friends there. I'd actually met people who spoke like me, felt about things the way that I did, liked the same sport and movies and one day wanted to become a world famous football player.

It was great.

But my father seemed to have other ideas. After another tumour scare in my left ear, this one not taking much of my hearing at all, I sat my exams and expected to move on with the rest of the other students I'd grown up with. To another school for the deaf where I belonged. Where I spoke the language. Where I was happy.

"Harry," my father said when I arrived for the summer holidays. He'd never learnt to speak sign language and I could hear well enough not to bother him about it.

"Yes?" I asked. Words were strange on my tongue. I had to speak them in some classes but for four years I had primarily spoken with my hands.

"I've been thinking about your exams and I've decided to put you in a school closer to home."

My face prickled with panic. I didn't want to go to a school closer to home. I wanted to be with my friends. It was the only thing I had to hold on to. My father didn't love me. By that point in my young life I could sense it. He felt obligated to care for me. He helped create me, but he didn't have to love me. He just had to make sure I didn't die.

"But..." I said, stopping when he held up his hand.

"I'm sorry but clearly you aren't deaf and spending this extra money on teaching you a language you don't need isn't really what I need to be doing. I've enrolled you in a school just up the road."

My head bowed and I accepted his words. I'd long ago learnt never to argue with the man. He was kind but he could be cruel when he wanted to. I knew it well. I had the same instinct, born and bred in me. I had to exert extreme force just to keep it under control.

"Fine," was the only word I spoke to him for the next month. Retreating to my room, I composed letters to my friends and promised to know them forever. All the usual rubbish one writes to young playmates who had to move away or who you thought would be your best mate for life.

I don't think I saw a single one of them again.

By my second year at the new school, I didn't even remember their names. I'd made new friends, new enemies, had new favourite teachers, and new hated teachers. Life fell into place. I became the interesting kid who could speak with his hands, new a sort of life experience no one else did. I had survived cancer, the death of a mother and had gone to a school none of the other students had heard of.

I joined my footie team and ended up captain by my sixth year there. I'd made life-long friends and learnt one thing about myself by the time I turned seventeen. I was gay.

That was a fact I had to keep hidden from my father at all costs, but that didn't bother me. Not in the slightest. I never shared anything with the man, so why should I share this?

Instead I got a boyfriend, a snobby pretty-boy called Draco Malfoy. I was the envy of every girl who seemed to think being gay was the sexiest thing to exist. We were followed and made a show of our handholding and corridor snogging.

It was the most exciting time of our lives. Of course we were both still virgins to most of the sexual acts I now know quite well. Snogging and hand-jobs were the most thrilling thing of the time and we were content with it.

It didn't last though. Just after we'd sat our very last exams, Draco and I found an abandoned cottage, took our bottle of scotch nicked from his father's stores and set off to consummate our lifelong relationship. Our promises had been loud, flowery and full of eternity.

When the scotch had been consumed and we finished with the painful, messy and overrated act called sex, Draco sat up and fixed me with hooded grey eyes.

"There was something I wanted to talk to you about," he said as we dressed.

"Okay," I answered, struggling with my jeans, still rather pissed and a bit confused.

"I just... have been thinking that all of this was a mistake."

My face fell just a little and it felt as though I'd swallowed a rock. "A mistake?" I repeated.

"You're great, really, but I think our relationship was a mistake."

"Why?" I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral.

"Well father is a very important man, you know."

And I did know. Lucius Malfoy worked for the Ministry and was likely to be Prime Minister one day. He was political, powerful and dangerous. I'd always known he had his sights set on Draco's future but I didn't know our relationship would matter to him.

"What about your father?" I finally retorted.

"He doesn't think this whole gay thing is good for his career and I agree with him. It was a mistake to think it would go anywhere."

My face burned with anger and I rose rather unsteadily. "So what was this? A goodbye fuck?"

"Mostly," Draco said with a slight shrug. "You deserved at least that much."

"To lose my virginity to a man who doesn't love me?" I bellowed. "That's what I deserved?"

"Well you wanted to do it!" Draco retorted, now rising to meet me.

"I wanted to do it because I love you!" I shouted.

Without warning, Draco cocked his fist back and landed a blow directly in the centre of my face. Fury rose in me with a force I didn't know I had. Without thinking, without breathing, without speaking, I pounced on him. When I finally regained my senses I backed off and scrambled toward the door. One glimpse was enough. I'd smashed Draco's face bloody and I was sure he was unconscious.

Still, in the end, it didn't matter to me. He hurt me at that moment worse than I'd ever been hurt. Worse because I'd always known my father didn't love me. I'd always known the rest of my family and the people in my life didn't much care whether I lived or died.

I thought Draco had. We made promises I thought were to last a lifetime.

When I burst into the house, my father was awake, chatting to his best mate and my Godfather, Sirius Black. They both looked at me as I stormed to the kitchen sink and attempted to wash Draco's blood from my fist.

Neither of them said anything about the blood or the way I staggered from the amount of alcohol I’d consumed. I thought at the time they just didn't care what I had been doing. Really, they both suspected me of being a fairy-boy and were secretly pleased to learn I had been out into the wee hours of the morning drinking and getting into fights. To them, fairy-boys didn't do those sorts of things.

Fairy-boys made eternity promises, wore tight trousers and fraternised with girls in a platonic way. They didn't need to know that my life was both of those things. They didn't need to know that in the wee hours of that morning I had beaten the person I claimed to love, almost to death.

I didn't see Draco after that. He left to attend Oxford so he could become a political entity like his father and join the ministry. My best mate, Blaise Zabini, told me that Draco's nose had gone slightly off centre. His prized nose, his revered face. I was secretly pleased. He was likely to marry a woman so every time she commented on that fact, he would have to remember me.

Like I said before, the behaviour was born and bred. I couldn't control it all of the time and I allowed myself the one sick pleasure of knowing Draco was scarred for life, and not just on his precious skin.

Two terms into University and I wanted to drop out. I was unhappy, I'd attended classes with the worst sort of professors who seemed to know nothing and Blaise and I couldn't keep matching timetables. Eventually though, I met Professor Severus Snape.

He happened to be the biggest asshole, the most feared professor and taught my favourite subject. Greek Mythology. It was a tired subject for most. Everyone knew Greek mythology inside and out. I had studied it on my own since I could read, but I couldn't resist taking the course.

The moment he walked into the class, I knew things were going to be very different. He was tall, skinny with sallow skin, lank black hair and onyx-coloured eyes that seemed to look right through you. His thin lips were set in a sneer and his black clothing made him look all the more ominous. I heard Blaise suck in his breath as Professor Snape set his things on the table and looked over the names of the students in his course.

"As you should know, my name is Severus Snape. This is an introductory course so you're likely to hate it as well as hate me. I don't care what you think of the course or me so long as you turn in the papers I wish you to and attend each class. I do not have high expectations of you all, since most of you lot are likely to spend your days working in a seedy restaurant or begging on the side of the street but I am going pretend you are intelligent beings and expect your work to be done properly. Discussions will be encouraged during this course provided they stick to the topic and don't make my head ache. Any issues with this you can happily leave my class. If you choose that route I advise you not to return. You won't like me when I'm angry."

I caught a flurry of movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to see Blaise sign hastily, We won't like him no matter what.

Snape saw the entire thing and turned to me with a smirk. "That is also likely Mr..."

I swallowed nervously, "Potter."

Snape's smirk slowly melted away and he continued his lecture. I, however, didn't hear much of it at all. Snape knew sign language. He knew it. He recognised it and knew exactly what Blaise had signed to me.

I didn't know where I was going with these thoughts and didn't have much time to explore them. After the first day, Snape became a relentless asshole, never giving us the benefit of the doubt, never marking my papers fairly and never having faith in our intelligence.

By the third week only half of the students were left in his class. I wanted to leave as equally as I wanted to stay. My thoughts were centred on Snape when I was at work, when I was studying, when I was in my other classes.

"I know what it is," Blaise said one night as we lounged on the sofa, drinking a bit.

"What is it?" I asked with a laugh.

"You fancy him."

My eyes widened and something in me shifted. Impossible. I couldn't fancy Snape. Not Snape. "No I don't," I finally choked out.

"You're an idiot," Blaise said and reached for another unopened bottle. "You fancy him. It's not a strange thing."

"But he's Snape," I gasped out, sitting up straight. "He's... ugly."

"You've always had odd taste, Harry."

"But he's... an asshole."

Blaise gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like Draco. "And I think you have an asshole fetish."

"No, I don't."

"You don't have to be on the defence, Harry. I don't think there's anything wrong with Snape. He has a sexy voice."

"I can barely hear it," I snapped, which was true. Snape spoke in such low tones most times that I had to focus on reading his lips. I praised my learning at the school for the deaf when it came to my lectures with Snape.

"Well it's still sexy. And he has this thing about him, dark and brooding. He's an asshole but there has to be more to it. He's overly intelligent, too good for his job and you have to admit, you like it that he speaks sign language."

My face flushed on that one. It wasn't often that I found another hearing person that spoke BSL. I taught Blaise a fair amount of it, but that was so we could cheat on exams and tell secrets. Draco could never be arsed to learn and I never thought twice about it. But the fact that Snape knew...

"I think I just like the BSL bit," I finally said, hoping Blaise would believe me. I was utterly terrified that Blaise was right. I fancied Snape. What the hell was I supposed to do about that?

"Why don't you invite him out for a coffee. Say you want to discuss something about the essay."

"He'll never buy that, he's not stupid," I snapped.

"Yes I know," Blaise said with a laugh, "but if he's likely to fancy you back, he'll say yes to the coffee and then you can shag him."

My chest tightened a bit at that thought and I suddenly grew nervous. I hadn't had a single sexual experience since Draco. I hadn't dated a bloke or even fancied someone after the Draco fiasco and I wondered for a time whether I was just non-sexual.

But now, the thought of Snape... Severus...

My face flushed harder and I shook my head. "It's mad. I can't do it."

"Coward," Blaise said with a shake of his head, finished his last beer and retired to bed for the night.

I stayed awake, lying on my stomach on the sofa, unable to get Snape away from my thoughts. Would it be possible? Would he fancy me? Could I be more than one of the ignorant, useless, brainless students he's forced to teach year after year?

Could I be more than just the interesting one to him? Could I be more than just a mistake?

The night passed quickly with those thoughts swirling round my head. Just after two o'clock I drifted off and an hour later, the shrill ringing of my mobile woke me. Jolting awake, I fumbled along the darkened floor until my hand came in contact with my small phone.

Pushing random buttons in my sleepy haze, I eventually answered. "What?"

"Harry?" The voice was familiar, choked and soft.

"D-dad?" I asked.

"It's Sirius, Harry. He's... he's had an accident. I'm at the hospital."

I sat upright, very awake and suddenly frightened. "What happened? What's going on?"

"Can you get down here?" my father asked in a deadened tone.

"Give me ten minutes," I all-but shouted and ended the call. Jumping up from the sofa, I bolted into my bedroom, toed on my trainers, grabbed my jacket and raced out the door. Luckily our town was quite small and on foot I made it to the hospital in five minutes.

My father was waiting for me outside, leaning up against the wall, puffing on a cigarette. His face was drawn, tired, his eyes bloodshot and when I embraced him I could smell whiskey on his breath.

"What happened?" I asked.

"We were at the pub," my father began in a shaking voice. "Both of us were too pissed to drive but Sirius didn't want to leave his motorbike there. I remember telling him not to go and we rowed over it a bit. Eventually I think he promised not to go, or something like that. He excused himself to the loo and never came back. I was really pissed, Harry, so I didn't think twice about it but when I started walking home I saw the ambulance racing by and I just knew. By the time I got to the scene he was already on his way here but I saw the bike." My father put his face in his hands and gave a dry sob. "Christ Harry, he's such a mess. The bike was in pieces, practically wrapped round a tree and… and his face... his head..."

My head was swimming with the news. I knew Sirius well enough to know he would never wear a helmet. He would never be un-cool, never think that fate could have something like a drink driving accident in store for his death. No. Not Sirius.

"Is he..."

"Coma. They don’t think he'll live out the night."

I felt as though someone had stolen all of the oxygen in the immediate area. Taking a few steps away from my father, I gasped a bit and pressed my hand to my forehead. It was too much. Sirius had never been much of a godfather really. He'd spent most of his time trying to coerce my father into shagging random birds at the dingy pubs and when he saw me he focused all of his energy into making sure I wasn't gay.

I'd always avoided the topic with him. I didn't care to tell him what I was. I didn't need his love. I had it though, so long as he didn't know about me and secretly I craved it, just like I craved the praise from my father.

It mattered whether Sirius and my father thought I was a good son. And now this. "Can I see him?" I eventually asked.

"You probably don't want to," my father said softly. "But if you must."

"If he won't live out the night I think I need to," I said.

"I'll take you up there, but you won't like what you see."

My father was right. Sirius' face was in shreds. Bandages covered him from head to toe and I could see blood and puss oozing from the spaces that weren't wrapped tight enough. His breathing was assisted by a large, loud machine and tubes were inserted almost everywhere there was a hole in his body. There was a machine just above his head with lines and I vaguely heard someone explaining to me that it monitored his brainwaves.

There were none. Just little blips indicating that he had a pulse.

Even in my shocked state I could tell there was no life left in him. Turning away, I looked at my father. "I can't stay here for this. I can't watch him die."

"He's already gone," my father said in that frighteningly dead tone he'd used when he rang me.

"I have to get out of here," I responded.

My father said nothing as I pushed past him and the nurse, raced into the corridor and left the hospital. It was too much. I couldn't just stand there as he died. As his heart slowly stopped beating, as a machine breathed for him. I couldn't. Whatever he had been to me, he was family. He'd been the only thing to keep my father afloat after my mother died. Now all he had was me. The mistake, the cause of her death. So what would happen to him now?

Rushing toward the sea, I eventually found myself curled up on the sand against the wall, my small flat barely in view. The beach was empty, the weather cold and slowly reaching toward winter. The water looked icy and the rain, as it began to fall, numbed the outer part of me.

I didn't bother to cover up better, and only noticed the approaching dawn when a figure suddenly appeared at my side and pressed a hot cup of coffee into my hands.

"I'm going to assume this isn't a Snape sort of crisis," Blaise said as he settled himself down next to me.

"It's not," I replied. Taking a couple grateful sips of the hot, sweet liquid, I told Blaise the entire story. By the end, tears were falling down my cheeks but they were silent. It was hard to mourn someone who would never love the real you. It was hard to be sad for a person who wanted everything to be like them. Everything to be like the things I hated in the world.

"When will you know?" Blaise asked, and as the words left his mouth, my mobile sang, signalling that I'd a text message.

I looked down at the screen. HE'S GONE.

"I suppose I know now," I replied and tucked the mobile back into my pocket.

"I'm sorry Harry," Blaise whispered and shifted so his arm was around my shoulders. "Anything I can do?"

"Take me out for a drink," I replied and then shared a slightly pained laugh with the only person who cared.

By the time I returned to classes, a week had passed. Snape had threatened to chuck me out of his class and fail me but Blaise pleaded my case. In the end, still unsure about my welcome, I sought Snape out. His office was on the highest floor and I took the stairs to buy time and help me gather my thoughts. It was the oddest feeling, fancying him and mourning the loss of my godfather.

I knew I should be only sad, but I couldn't help the small bit of excitement that settled in the pit of my stomach as I approached his office door. He wasn't alone when I arrived in his corridor. I could hear the low murmur of his voice as he lectured a student for their poor work. I couldn't make out the words but the tone was enough.

Five minutes passed before the pale-faced student passed me, hurrying for the lift that was just round the corner. Taking a deep breath, I walked to the doorway of his office and absently adjusted my hearing aid to better make out his words.

His eyebrow lifted when he saw me, and he crossed his arms. "So kind of you to grace me with your presence. Finally."

"I'm sorry sir. There was a..."

"Death, I'm aware. Your little hero was fighting for your cause. I'm not inclined to give you my sympathy, Mr Potter. I knew Sirius Black quite well and feel the world is better off without him."

I opened my mouth, but not out of defence of my dead godfather. My jaw dropped in shock. Snape knew Sirius. It was an impossible thought. "So do you know my father?"

"James?" Snape asked with a sneer. "Well enough. Pity he wasn't on the motorbike as well."

My face coloured and I took a step back. "Am I allowed back in the class?"

"Only this once. See to it you keep your personal matters out of your studies."

"I'll try," I said in a hardened tone. Well this answered my question. There would be no sympathy, no mutual attraction for us. He hated my father and likely hated my father's mirror image.

"You aren't the same as him," Snape said suddenly, just as I was about to back away. I paused and looked at his mouth, wanting to make sure I had all the words properly. "Revel in that, Mr Potter. Be happy."

"Yes, sir," I replied quietly.

"And..." Snape said and then hesitated, "if you need a sympathetic ear... I take tea here in my office at two o'clock, in between classes."

My face burst into a blush and I nodded. "Thank you, sir." And not wanting him to retract the invitation, I hurried off.

I wasn't sure when I should take Snape up on his offer and Blaise was of no help whatsoever. I was torn between wanting to pour my heart out to Snape and wanting to check up on my father. Without Sirius, who did he have?

"Have you ever wondered if Sirius and your dad had something... you know... more going on besides pub crawls?" Blaise asked one night after I'd brought up my concerns.

I frowned. "Don't think it's possible, mate. They hated that sort of thing."

"I know they thought it was wrong, but maybe they hated it because they thought it was wrong yet they... you know... did it."

I rolled my eyes. "Not bloody likely," I snarled, but deep down I realised the thought had occurred to me too. Not once, in all the years I'd known my father and Sirius, had they ever dated a single woman. They talked a lot about them, about what they could do to them, about the new birds now frequenting their favourite pubs. But they never brought one home and they never stayed out late.

But now wasn't the time. Sirius was gone, buried in the ground and my father was a wreck. "I think he needs to go on holiday," I replied eventually.

My father seemed to have the same idea a week later, but this one was a bit different than mine.

"I'm moving," my father said to me over lunch. "I've secured a job and I'm taking it. It will mean a lot more money for me and I can help you with your tuition."

My eyes widened. "Where to?"

"Ahem... the States," he mumbled.

Unsure if I'd heard him right, I tapped his arm so he'd look up. "Sorry?"

"The States," he repeated more clearly. "It's a good job, Harry. I know this might be difficult for you but..."

I shook my head. "Whatever makes you happy."

His face softened a bit. "You can always come with me. They have two Universities where I’m going and I'm sure you can get in."

"I'm happy here, dad," I replied quietly. We fell into a tense silence as I finished up the rest of my sandwich. The Sirius question was pressing on my conscious and I couldn't let my father disappear into another country without asking. "Uhm... dad," I said hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"You and Sirius..." I paused and plucked up the courage I'd need to say the next few words. "Where you lovers?"

My father choked a bit on the water he was drinking and he fixed me with cold eyes. "Where did you get a mad idea like that?"

I shrugged. "Just... paid attention to you these last few years."

His face coloured red, seemingly guilty and he downcast his eyes. "It's none of your business what he was to me, Harry. Point is, he's gone and everything's changed. I need a new start on things. Sirius kept me in a place I never wanted to be and now I can move on."

Well that was a shock. Here I thought my father was falling apart when really he felt trapped by Sirius' presence. "But dad... you loved him."

"Yes, I did, but it was... difficult. You have no idea what it was like when I lost your mum. Sirius was the only thing that kept me sane but... after a few years... things became too much. I didn't think I could let him go, no matter how much I wanted to. Now I'm given the freedom and I intend to use it well."

For the first time in my entire life, I felt close to my father. I felt kindred to him, and felt that my admissions would not disappoint him. Pushing my empty plate to the side, I leant over the table and said very quietly, "Dad... I'm gay."

My father's eyes widened. "Don't joke like that, it's not funny."

I shook my head. "Not a joke, dad. Remember that night I came home bloody and upset?"

"The night you finished your exams?"

"That one. Well... Draco... you remember him?'

"The poncy blonde one."

"He and I were lovers. He and I had... sex that night and then he told me I was a mistake. I was angry so I hit him. A lot. But I'm still gay, and I wanted to share it."

For a moment he said nothing. Then, his gaze hardened and he pushed his chair away from the table. "For fuck's sake, Harry! I could have gone my entire life without hearing that from you. You're too fucking young to know what you want!"

My heart sank. "Dad..."

"NO!"

"Please. I know what I want. I'm twenty-one, I'm not an idiot"

"Yes you are," he roared.

"I'm not!" I shouted back, now rising to meet him. "I'm gay, and I think I'm in love."

Without warning, my father's hand shot out and landed against my cheek. Stumbling backward, I clapped my hand over the pain and looked up at him.

"You. Are. Not. Gay."

Swallowing, I gave a small nod. "I'm sorry I thought I could confide in you. I think I should go. Have a safe flight."

I didn't see or speak to my father for the next seven months.

With a brilliantly bruised face, I made my way to Severus' office the next day. It was just two o'clock and when I stood in the doorway I saw Severus pouring out two cups of tea.

"I saw you out the window," he said, nodding toward the window that had a view of the entire courtyard. "Cream?'

"Please," I said and lowered myself into a seat.

"I've always thought you could do with a bit of colour," Severus said as he pushed the tea across the desk toward me, "but I'm not sure about the purple. It makes you look a bit ill."

I glowered for a moment until I realised he was joking. Rolling my eyes, I leant back in the chair and allowed my gaze to wander. The walls of his office were covered in books, his small computer sat in the corner and there were no photographs to show his family or potential lovers.

Severus took a small sip of his tea before saying, "I think your father means to land the blow on the eye but he always misses. His aim needs a bit of work."

My face reddened. "It wasn't my father," I defended hotly, lying and unsure why.

"Well it wasn't your godfather. Not only is he dead but Black tended to favour the lower regions of the body." Severus took another sip of his tea. "Why defend him?"

"I don't know," I confessed.

"I know the beatings well, Potter. Don't think you can lie to me about them. I just don't know why he'd beat his precious son."

"Gay son," I retorted hotly and then shut my mouth quickly. I hadn't meant to blurt it out and suddenly felt a bit of an idiot. What if Snape wasn't gay? Odd how that thought hadn't occurred to me. And what if he was like my father?

"Ah. Too familiar, then."

I frowned in confusion. "What do you mean, sir?"

"I wasn't the only one subject to those types of beatings. I just didn't realise Potter would be the one to carry it on to the next generation. I assumed that would be your job." Severus paused and then smirked. "And knowing your father, I can't believe you told him."

"Well he's a hypocrite," I snarled, too angry to care who I told.

"I always knew he and Black had a thing. Lily was never enough woman for Potter."

"Don't talk about my mum like that," I hissed.

"Why not? You didn't know her," Snape replied, and he was right. I didn't know her. She could have been one of those idiot simpering girls constantly fawning over my father. She could've been a snob, or a bitch or a thousand other horrible things. I didn't know. All I'd ever known was that her life should have been saved, not mine.

"I didn't come here to discuss my parents," I eventually retorted weakly.

"Why did you come here, then? Not for the pleasant company, I take it."

"What if I did come here for the company?" I asked.

Severus snorted. "Then I'd say you have very poor judge in character."

I shook my head. "You're an asshole, but that's not all. I think you can be good conversation when you're not trying to get the other students to commit suicide."

Severus sat silent for a moment before letting out a small chuckle. "I am failing at that this term. Only one death and it wasn't even my fault."

I let out a small laugh and shook my head. We finished tea with a sort of new companionship that I realised I could happily live with, if only he would give it to me.

The weeks passed and it stayed that way. As happy as I could be, I was almost euphoric when Severus invited me over for a dinner. He didn't give a reason why he wanted the dinner but I was all too happy to accept.

Ignoring Blaise's slagging, I dressed as casually as I could, never mind I tried to wear my tightest t-shirt and my most flattering jeans, and I hurried off to Severus' house.

He lived just round the corner from me, though our town was so small that everything was just round the corner, and I made it to his door in five minutes.

Pausing to gather my bearings, I knocked and wasn't made to wait long. Severus' house was rather nice. A bit small and rather like his office. His walls were covered in books, his furniture was rather sparse, worn but comfortable.

The dinner smelled wonderful and was ready just as I arrived. Severus set us up at the table with liberal amounts of red wine and pleasant conversation. To this day I can't recall exactly what was said over the meal but I can remember the feeling of being happy.

Both of us drank a bit much and by the time we retired to the lounge we were almost too comfortable with each other. He didn't mind that I put my shoulder up against his as we sat on the sofa and he answered my questions about his personal life with a loose tongue.

"So there's no one for you right now?" I asked, prodding him a bit with my elbow.

"I'm not shagging anyone at the moment, if that's what you mean," he replied.

I turned to face him fully and tried to focus, though my eyes were crossing. "And why did you invite me here, Severus?"

He let out a short breath and before I could react at all, his mouth was pressed against mine. Giving a small moan, I moved to wrap my arms round him but that seemed to jar him out of our drunken daze.

"No," he said, pushing me away.

"Why?" I panted. I wanted him more than I ever had.

"You're... my student."

"I won't tell anyone," I vowed. "Please. I've waited for so long."

Severus shook his head and moved away from me. "Not yet. Term is almost up, Harry. When it is..."

"What if you find someone else?" I asked, feeling petulant and nervous.

"If three years of abstinence isn't indication enough for you, I shall make a promise. I will wait for you."

It had to be enough. Term was finished in less than two months. I'd waited this long for him, I could wait a little longer. "Okay," I eventually agreed.

"I'm sorry," he said just as quietly.

Shaking my head, I stood up and adjusted myself. "The promise is enough." And with that, I left.

Of course through the rest of my classes I had a bit of fun with him, letting him squirm a bit as I chewed seductively on the end of my pencil, or the way I wore my clothing as he liked it. I also found great pleasure in asking difficult questions and teasing him a bit in his office after hours.

It was the most comfortable I'd ever been. I was in love, I was sure of it. My heart had been guarded so long after Draco and letting it go free was the best thing I could've done.

Eventually the term ended and I was no longer his student. We celebrated that night with a long round of passionate sex, complete with sweets, wine and the best orgasm I'd ever had. Never mind I was practically a virgin.

None of this seemed to bother Severus until one night, just as dinner was finished, I brought up my new timetable. "Severus," I said carefully, "there's something we should talk about."

"What?" he asked, seeming to be a bit irritable.

"I was looking over the class catalogue and I realised to finish up my History Degree I'm going to need two classes... that only you teach."

"No," he said firmly.

My heart sank. I wasn't lying, I needed the classes. There wasn't anything I could do about that. "I don't have a choice."

"Well I'll give you one, me or the classes," he said, his voice icy.

My eyes widened. "I need my degree. Surely you of all people realise how important this is to me! I can't choose between you and my education."

"Yes you can," he snarked. "Attend a different University."

"W-what?" I sputtered. "It doesn't work that way! I can't just swap Universities."

"Yes you can. It might take some time but you really, really can."

"That's stupid!" I shouted. "Severus... I can't choose between my education and the man I love."

Severus froze and turned to face me fully. "Did you just say love?"

I nodded. "And don't be an arse. You know I love you."

"Harry... I don't believe love exists. Love is... is for fools. Love is a trick of the brain chemicals."

I felt my throat tighten at this but I wasn't quite sure how to react. "Then what is this? What are we? A good shag?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "Relationships are about finding someone who you can companionably get along with for the rest of your life. It's not about love."

Drawing my lower lip into my mouth, I took a few steps toward him. "I love you, Severus. I don't care if you think love is a trick. I love you."

Severus shook his head. "This was a mis-"

"No!" I shouted, stopping his words. "Don't... don't say that. I'm begging you. Don't." My voice was choked with tears and I tried to pull away as he grasped my wrists.

"But I have to be honest. I tried to fool myself into thinking someone your age could be compatible with me. I was clearly wrong. If you can't respect our relationship enough to stay out of my classes and if you persist in this ridiculous love notion..."

"It's not ridiculous," I interrupted.

"Then this was all a mistake."

I ripped my arms away from his grasp and took a few steps back, shaking my head. "No. No. I don't want to be your mistake!"

"We all make them."

"But why me?" I shouted. "Why am I always the mistake?" Turning on my heel, I rushed out of Severus' house and ran home.

As soon as I reached my lounge, I pulled out my phone and placed the call I never thought I would. "Dad... I'm sorry. I need you. Is there still room for me with you?"

chapter 2

Stepping off the plane into the pressing heat was the biggest culture shock I'd suffered thus far. The heat was more intense than I imagined it would have been. My father did warn me of making the flight in the summer, but I didn't have much choice in things. I'd waited it out, taken the last classes from January to June and realised I had to get away. I couldn't take seeing Severus in the corridor, the accidental bumping into each other when we both entered the loo.

I couldn't take the knowing stares from Blaise, despite the fact that he was trying to be sympathetic to my plight. I just had to get away.

As I made my way through the crowd, I struggled to breathe. The air was thick and oppressive, the people hustling and bustling about with their business, all of them knowing where they were going. I, however, was utterly lost. The sea of accents and shouting and hugging and crying reminded me I was going into the home of a man who still hated me.

He made it clear to me over the phone that although he felt guilty for hitting me and wanted to make it up to me, he was not happy with my choices. He admitted he was acting like a hypocrite and agreed that he would not bring it up so long as I allowed him to pretend it never happened.

I was all too happy to comply. Finding my luggage, I managed to navigate through the extremely small corridors and finally found my father waiting outside beside the car. It was all different. I'd travelled to the States before, many a time. My father had distant cousins that lived nearby and we had always gone on holiday to visit. But now, under these circumstances, it all seemed so... fake. Like I was hiding away from things I should be facing.

But I just couldn't take being a mistake any longer.

With strings pulled, my father managed to wriggle me into the University with just a little under a year to work out the papers. I was grateful and owed him more than I wanted to, to be perfectly honest. Still, everything was slowly falling into place.

"How was the flight?" my father asked as we headed to his flat.

I shrugged and watched the passing scene. "It was long, same as it always was."

My father let out a sigh. "It's not so bad here, once you get used to the heat. I think you'll be happy. It'll give you time to sort things out."

I nodded, hearing his unspoken words. It will help you realise you aren't gay. Well sorry father, because I am, and just because I was unhappy I wasn't going to change that fact about me. I was damn pleased to know at least one thing in my life was certain.

"Well I'd like you to take some time to relax. I'm not going to ask you what trauma prompted this sudden move, I can only offer some quiet."

"Quiet is what I need," I confessed and let the silence fall over us as we drove through the town.

I didn't want to think the new place I was living was ugly as we drove through it the first time, but it was. There were too many cars, no pedestrians. It was too hot, so hot the heat could be seen coming off the pavement in clear waves. There were barely any trees and the ones that did line the streets were desert trees. No leaves, covered in thorns and a sickly pale-green colour.

It was so unfamiliar and I wasn't sure how to react. It was dull and I craved a bit of green amongst the reddish rocks and dead landscape.

"It's really not so bad," my father said after watching my expression fall. "It has its charm."

"I reckon it'll just take some getting used to," I replied softly. I didn't really want to talk about it. It wasn't something happy for me. I just wanted to get settled and eventually my dad realised that and let me alone.

I had the whole of the summer to brood over the painful split up, the fleeing of my country like I was a damned refugee and to find a job. My father agreed to support me but I wanted to owe him as little as possible, not to mention acquire a flat away from his questions and his accusing eyes.

Taking a week off, I relaxed and tried to ignore the fact that the temperature was climbing to the point that would make water boil if left outside for longer than an hour.

The internet proved to be a source of amusement as well as a way to communicate with Blaise who was seemingly devastated by my departure. He was short with me and after some time didn't want to speak to me much at all. I couldn't blame him, he tried to be there for me and I pushed him away.

But all Blaise was at that moment was a painful reminder that I was a mistake to the one person I opened my heart to. My true heart. My adult heart. I knew it was a short time that Severus and I had been together, but it was what it was.

And I had to move on.

I began to arrange for a job and by the end of July I had secured a position at a very quaint little bookshop. There were only three other employees there, the old couple that ran the place and then their niece Tonks. Her proper name was Nymphadora Tonks but she hated it. I didn't blame her and humoured her about it.

The older couple, Kathy and her husband Thomas were rarely there, just happy to finish up the financial books and let Tonks and me handle the rest of the business. It was nice. The pay was regular and Tonks and I became fast friends.

She showed me round and I became comfortable in my new life. A month before term was to start, I was able to move into my own small flat just round the corner from the main campus and Tonks, to my very great surprise, offered to share the place with me.

It all seemed fine.

Still, I was wary. I hadn't shared much of my former life with her and wasn't sure how she'd feel if she learnt I had buggered my former professor. She was gay herself but still, dating a professor isn't exactly something that was smiled upon.

"So thinking of dating anytime soon?" Tonks asked over her large bowl of crisps as we lounged in the store during a lull in the customer traffic.

I shook my head. "Not really. I'm not a big fan of relationships."

"What about mindless sex?"

"Never really thought," I answered, and I hadn't. Mindless sex. Was it worth it? Likely not.

"It's great sometimes," she said, "but it can get a girl into trouble. You'll probably be more lucky than I am."

I laughed a bit at that. "Why? Because I'm oh-so-good looking?"

"No, you're ugly," she teased. "Really though, it's easier for men. They don't form these stupid feelings the way women do. We just seem to fall in love with anything that can make us moan. It's pathetic."

I didn't bother to tell her that I'd fallen in love with the only two people I'd got sexual with. "Well I'm sure we'll find someone in the end," I said with a sigh.

Tonks rolled her eyes. "I'm going next door for a drink. You want?"

"I'm fine," I said and put my feet up on the counter.

Skipping out of the shop, I knew she'd be gone a while. Tonks fancied the girl working at the shop next door and liked to go over and chat. I didn't mind, I could handle everything on my own.

Yawning a little, I started to drop off when the bell on the door signalled the arrival of a new customer. I knew Kathy didn't much care if I was lazy but falling asleep on people wasn't great for business. I stood and rubbed my face a bit.

"Am I interrupting?" asked a soft voice with a heavy French accent.

I looked over and saw a tall, thin man with greying-tawny hair and a pleasant smile staring back at me. He was dressed lightly for the heat and he was rather good looking. His eyes were what struck me first, a very vivid amber colour. It caused me a bit of pain, however, when I remembered that Severus also had the most unusual eyes.

"Sorry, the heat makes me tired."

"Not a problem. I'm just looking for a specific book and I was wondering if you could help."

"I can certainly try," I said and leant over to the computer. "Title or author?"

"The title is called Use Your Light. It's a rare book and I've not found a shop here that carries it."

I knew the book. I devoured any book that contained even a hint of a homosexual character. It was written by a virtually unknown author, published by a lowly company and never hit the mainstream market.

"We do have that book," I said and gestured for him to follow me down the aisle. Making him wait, I slipped into the back room where I kept my secret stash and fetched the book for him. "Where did you hear of it?"

The man took the book and looked at the plain cover. "Friend of a friend," he said with a laugh. "Have you read it?"

"Devoured every word. I wasn't so sure about this one, but in the end it was quite interesting." We walked back up to the counter and I gave him a small smile. "It's difficult letting it go, but I reckon I ought to share."

"Is this your only copy?" he asked, a small frown crossing his face.

I nodded. "It is for sale, though, I was just hiding it in the back for my selfish purposes."

Tapping his chin, he eventually smiled. "Why don't I promise to share? Will you work here long?"

"As long as I can manage," I said. My stomach did flip-flops. He would see me again, even though it was just for a friendly exchange.

"I'll read it and then I'll bring it back to share with you. Does that sound fair?"

I nodded and waved his hand down when he reached for his purse. "Well if we're sharing you might as well keep your money. Provided I can trust you to bring it back," I added with a wink.

"I am a dodgy fellow, you might want to take care with me," he joked. "Really though, you can easily track me down. I'm a professor at the University, you can come collect at my office if you don't hear from me soon." Reaching into his pocket, the man pulled out an ink-pen and scribbled his name and phone number on one of our complimentary paper bookmarks. Remus Lupin, unfamiliar and very fitting for him. "There. So now you can always find me."

With a small blush I slipped the bookmark into my pocket. "Just don't tell anyone I let you take it out. I could be sacked for that one."

The man, Remus Lupin, held his finger to his lips and winked. "I shall keep it a secret."

"Good," I said and suddenly desperate to keep him there longer I blurted, "So what do you teach? I'm there next term."

His eyes widened, as did his smile. "Ah I'm in the history department. This term I'm tackling the History of the Bible, both the Christian Scriptures and the Hebrew Bible though in different time slots, and the introductory courses. They make me teach those," he added with a laugh.

My face flushed though I tried to control it. "Does anyone else teach the History of the Bible courses?"

"Not this term, why? Will you be one of my unlucky students?"

I had to grin at that. "Seems so. Christian Scriptures to be exact. I'm a History student."

"Just my kind of person then," Remus said and sounded happy. "It's not often I meet someone who wants the classes."

I gave a small shrug. "I love them. I can't seem to get enough of history."

Patting the book and tucking it under his arm, Remus tipped me a wink. "I shall look forward to seeing you again, then Mr..."

"Potter," I said. "Er... Harry." I extended my hand and tried my hardest not to smile when his soft fingers gripped mine.

"Remus Lupin and I'm extremely pleased to have met you."

I fought back a blush as he extracted his hand from mine and started for the door. Just as his hand reached for the handle, the door opened and Tonks strolled in.

When she spotted Remus, her face broke out into a grin. "Remus! I thought you'd forgotten about me."

Remus chuckled and to my great dismay, he leant forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "How could I possibly forget you?"

"Well it's been ages," she complained with her arms crossed.

Remus chuckled. "Well I'll try to stop by sooner, especially now that I've met Harry here, who seems just my type of conversation."

This time I could not hide the blush and I rolled my eyes. "Just because I'm a history geek," I replied.

Tonks tapped her chin. "Yep, he certainly is your type of conversation. Now you can go bother him about your little theories and ideas and stop torturing me."

Remus chuckled again and pulled her into a hug. "But what would be the fun in that?" Releasing her, he took a step toward the door and tipped me a wave. "I will see you soon, Harry."

"Bye," I said and watched as he walked out the door.

"He's such an ass," Tonks grumbled as she plopped into a chair.

I had to laugh at that. "I thought he was rather nice."

"Just because you think he's hot," she said with a grin.

Horrified that I was at all obvious, I shook my head. "He's not hot. He's... old and... and he's going to be my teacher. And not that it matters but I think he fancies you."

"Not possible," she said with a wave of her hand.

"Why not?"

"He's as gay as you are, Harry. I've known him for years. He started teaching at the University just when my Auntie and Uncle opened up this shop and he's come in regularly ever since."

"Oh," was all I could reply with. Interesting information but I was still wary. Things were far too similar with Severus, which still pained me a little. Remus was a professor, a history professor, he had unusual eyes, he was much older than I was... it was just too familiar for comfort.

"He's great, Harry, he really is," Tonks went on when it was clear I wasn't going to share my thoughts.

"He seems really nice, but not my type."

Tonks snorted. "He seems exactly your type, Harry."

I let out a small sigh. "Yes, but I rather think that's the problem."

Leaning back and kicking up her feet, Tonks fixed me with an intense stare. "You can share with me, you know. I wouldn't judge you."

"I know you wouldn't," I said honestly, "it's still just painful for me."

"I'd still like to know."

It wasn't fair of me to keep it from her at that time, and Tonks really did mean a lot to me. So in that moment, I decided to open up and share. I told her everything from start to finish, beginning with Draco and ending with my decision to leave.

When I'd finished talking, Tonks was leaning forward in her seat, her eyes wide and wondering. "Woah," was all she said when I finished.

"Remus... he's great but I don't know him for one and for another, he's too much like Severus."

"But he's not an ass," Tonks defended. "He's really not."

"He doesn't seem so," I said slowly, "but I think it's too soon for me to think about buggering another one of my professors. Maybe I should wait out the term and see what happens."

Tonks sighed and shrugged weakly. "Well if anything, he'll make a great friend."

And she was right. Remus returned a week later after I had convinced myself I wouldn't see him again. It was a stupid thing to think of. He was a professor, Tonks knew him, and I was signed up for his class. I suppose at that moment I was just trying to deny that I both fancied him and didn't want to fancy him. It was confusing and it made my head hurt.

I was sitting behind the counter waiting for Tonks to return with our Chinese take-away when the door opened and Remus walked in. Now, at that moment I had taken my hearing aids out so when the bell sang, I didn't hear it. I was doodling stick figures on my little note pad, feeling bored and jumped three feet in the air when a warm hand fell on my shoulder.

My eyes darted up and I gave an embarrassed smile. "Hi," I said. "Sorry I had my hearing aids out so I didn't hear the door open." I began to fumble for the small pieces of plastic that I'd left in the drawer.

Popping one into my good ear, I looked up at him with a smile. "Are you totally deaf?" he asked with a slight frown.

"No," I answered and explained my condition as I'd trained myself to do for years. Profoundly deaf in one ear, partially deaf in the other. Blah. Blah. Blah. "So, did you finish the book?" I asked when my explanation was finished.

Remus nodded and sat down in the chair that was on the side of the counter. "It was great. How did you like it?"

"I wasn't really sure up until the end."

"I thought the idea was well played," Remus said and slid the book across the counter. "I'm not sure how I'd react to that choice. The life of my son or the life of myself."

"I don't know if I've ever loved someone enough for that to really be a choice," I answered honestly.

"Not even your siblings or your parents?" Remus questioned.

"I’ve no siblings. My mother is dead," I replied, "and my father... well there are more levels to that than I want to go in to."

Remus chuckled. "There always are. I think there are a few people I'd give up life for, though. And I'm not sure if I could watch my own son die just because I was too afraid to make the decision to save him."

It was an interesting thought, one that the book had provoked the first time I'd read it. "Do you have children?" I eventually questioned.

"No. Children aren't likely to be in my future, no matter how much I want them."

"I don't want any," I said. "I suffered enough at the hand of a parent. I don't want to be that kind of person to someone."

"You don't have to be," Remus said.

I shook my head. I couldn't expect Remus to understand the monster living within me. The person that was my father that lurked just beneath the surface. That person had appeared only once, when Draco had abandoned me. I could feel the monster aching to unleash against Severus but I'd kept it back. I never wanted to see another lifeless body, bloodied by my hands. It wasn't something I wanted to relive, no matter how little remorse I felt for Draco.

"Sometimes there are things you can't help," I replied softly and hoped he would just take the words for what they were.

He did. The conversation turned to more pleasant things and before long Tonks had returned with the take-away. "Remus," she cried and quickly dished out a third serving for him. The customers were relatively few and before long I realised that the three of us had spent three hours in friendly conversation.

"I think it's about time to close up," Tonks said, checking her wristwatch.

"I should also be going home," Remus said and finally stood from the chair. "This was quite nice."

"Yeah," Tonks said. "You've never bothered to stay this long with just me."

"That's because you always fall asleep half way through," Remus said with a chuckle and then suddenly turned to me. "Hopefully I'll see you soon, Harry. Perhaps I can stop by and you can give me another book recommendation."

"I certainly can," I said happily and grinned until he left the store. When the door finally shut I collapsed onto the chair and groaned.

"Oh you fancy him," Tonks said, prodding my arm. "Just give in."

"I can't," I insisted. "It's too much."

"You'll give in eventually."

I was certain she was wrong, but that all seemed to change the day I went computer shopping. When I'd arrived in the States I'd brought my laptop, which cheerfully died three weeks after I’d, arrived. Though my father had a well-functioning computer, I knew I'd need one for the up and coming term. Tonks gave me the name of a business that had computers so I headed over there, trying to stay alive in the pressing heat.

Once I was inside the shop, I browsed round but found almost nothing to my liking. I decided to ask the customer service desk if they had any suggestions and as I was standing in the queue, I felt a tickle along the back of my neck.

Whirling round, I was shocked to find a grinning Remus Lupin standing behind me. "What are you doing?" I gasped out.

"Queuing, just like you," he said with a wink. "Having a computer issue and mine was bought here."

"I'm trying to find one myself, but I can't seem to find anything I want."

Remus tapped his chin and then smiled at me. "Why don't we make a day of it? I can drive, since you don't seem to have a driving licence here."

I shook my head and grinned. Driving just hadn't been a concern for me, though I realised it was far too hot to depend on your feet to carry you. They had a public bus system running but it was complete rubbish. Just another thing to put on my to-do list.

"I guess I can't say no considering the heat," I finally responded. "Do you have an idea where we can go?"

"A few," he promised and before long, Remus and I had found my computer and were having a bit of lunch at the near by café.

"Thanks for everything," I said once I'd finished my coffee. "I didn't expect you to drive me round like that."

"I certainly don't mind," he said with a wave of his hand. "I didn't have plans of any sort."

I flushed a little and focused on the bottom of my empty cup. "Well I do appreciate it anyhow."

Remus clasped his hands under his chin and leant on the tabletop. "So tell me Harry, why did you come to the States? We've spent so much time talking but I've not asked you about yourself."

I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. It wasn't that I didn't want to share, but sharing would bring me closer to this man and I wasn't sure where that would lead me. I mean honestly, could I take having my heart wreaked havoc upon one more time?

"My father moved here," I finally responded after some thought. "He offered to fund my education and I couldn't argue with that."

"Well that makes sense," Remus said with a slightly careful smile. "Are you happy here?"

"Happier," I said, which was true. I was much happier. Since I didn't have to worry about whether I would see Severus, or worry that I would spot him with someone else, someone who made him happy. Someone who was perfect for him. No, I was far happier here with an ocean in between us. Even if I did miss Blaise fiercely.

"You still seem troubled," Remus said slowly.

"It's a long story," I said. "Troubled past."

"I do hope you're not running from it. I tried that once and I failed."

"I'm not running, I just grew tired of being reminded that..." I paused suddenly, realising I was about to share very personal information. How would Remus react to me if I told him I was tired of being reminded that I was everyone's mistake?

"Reminded of what, Harry?" Remus pressed.

"Tired of being reminded that there are things I just can't have," I replied, and meant that as well. There were so many levels to my pain and I wasn't about to address them all with a person I barely knew.

"Ah well I do know how that feels. It was why I left England in the end."

My eyes widened. "Oh? You were in England?"

Remus nodded. "I attended University there and ended up teaching. A relationship went bad, we tried to make it last but in the end our interests were far too different. I had to leave, I couldn't watch him move on without me."

I leant on my elbow and fixed him with attentive eyes. "And now? Were you able to move on?"

"It took some time but yes, eventually I was able to move on easily. It was when I realised that he wasn't what I really wanted."

That thought struck a cord in me. Not what he really wanted? Was Severus what I really wanted? What could I possibly want about Severus? He was an ass, he refused to compromise on anything and he never treated me like I wanted to be treated.

Shaking my head, I sat back and crossed my arms. "Who knew life would be so damned complicated?"

Remus chuckled. "They really ought to give us guide books."

"Did you ever figure out what you did want in a relationship?" I asked boldly, ready to be ignored.

"Yes, I did," Remus said. "Basically I realised I wanted someone to worship me as I was prepared to worship them. I do know that relationships are about compromise, about conflict, love and hate. I know there is no such thing as perfect love or unending happiness. But that doesn't matter. In the end I know I can achieve my vision of what should be, so long as I found the right person."

Remus had it right. It was as though he was giving precise words to the feelings that were swimming round my head. "I know what you mean," I said with a sigh. "Now all I need to do is find that man."

I think when I said 'find that man', Remus realised that I really did swing his way. I hadn't told Remus of my preferences and I think he just assumed I was... or wasn't. He never called attention to it anyhow. But after that moment, Remus became exceedingly uncomfortable with me and shortened our chats.

I was utterly dismayed by this but I didn't wallow in it. Instead I focused on preparing for my classes, for the new life I was officially entering in to. Tonks was a huge support for me and by the end of August, I was ready.

When I entered that first class Remus was to teach, I spotted it only half full. I didn't know how things were going to work with him as my professor. With Severus it had always been business, it had always been teacher first, lover second. But with Remus it had always been different. During the short time I'd known him he assured me that I was his friend.

Deciding to sit near the front so I could hear him best, I took my seat and waited rather impatiently. I spotted several seasoned students walk through the door and take their seats, chatting happily.

"What time is it?" one of the girls asked her friend.

"Oh it's already ten-thirty but you know Remus, he's always late," the other girl said.

There was a slight laugh and a few moments later, Remus walked through the door. He was dressed casually, black trousers and a light shirt and he looked as gorgeous as ever.

Suppressing the urge to slam my head on the desktop, I fixed Remus with a smile as he stepped in front of the class.

"Morning," he said and winked at the girls in the front. "I see you can't get enough of me."

The blonde girl giggled. "You know us."

"After nine classes I'd say I do," Remus said. "Well to those of you who don't know me, or who tried to forget me," this got a light laugh, "my name is Remus Lupin. And in case you're too hung over to remember which class you're in, this is the History of the New Testament. It's also Monday, in case you didn't know."

I rolled my eyes but laughed along with the rest of the class. The air had lightened significantly and I realised that perhaps this class could be easier than I thought. It was better than Severus', that was for damned sure. Remus was as friendly to the other students as he had been to me.

And that thought also bothered me. He was a natural people-person. His humour was just as quirky with the girls in the front as it had been with me during our intimate café moments.

So what did it all mean? What did it mean for me? Did I have a hope? Well at that moment I was thinking not bloody likely.

But still, the semester passed easily. All of my classes were pleasant... well for the most part. I hadn't any trouble with my father, living with Tonks was just as brilliant as it had been in the beginning and Remus and I grew increasingly more friendly.

The bookshop chats ended since I was bogged down with unending amounts of homework and Remus was bogged down with essays to grade. But the emails were frequent as were the long corridor chats when I spotted him on his way to or from his office.

Finally, the time came for the end of term exams. His was the easiest by far, and by the end of the week I was exhausted, stressed but confident I was ready for the next term.

As I placed my paper face down on Remus' desk, Remus caught my eye and motioned me closer to him. "Meet me at my office on Monday."

I had to grin at that. "Okay," I whispered back and practically skipped back to the bookshop for my shift.

The weekend passed far too slowly for my liking. Each shift I spent watching the door, hoping Remus would decide to visit or chat sooner. Every night I'd return to the flat with a pointless hope that Tonks would spontaneously invite Remus over for dinner.

Each day and each night I was disappointed. But I still had Monday. Monday. It was the day, I was going to make it the day. I'd plucked up the courage to face my own feelings about this and knew it was time.

Since Remus didn't specify which time on Monday to visit, I chose the mid-afternoon so I was certain he'd be there. Waiting the entire morning was probably the most difficult thing I'd ever had to do and I spent the bulk of it pacing the inside of my flat.

Tonks decided she couldn't watch me anymore after the first hour and took leave of the flat. I didn't really notice, my thoughts solely consumed with the image of Remus and what we might do together.

By eleven-thirty I was ready to go. Gathering my things, I headed outside and walked the short distance to the campus. Now that it was winter the weather was far more tolerable. Thick trousers and a jumper did the trick and the walk was quite pleasant.

The campus was still crowded with students taking their last minute exams and signing up for their next courses. Waving to a few people I knew, I slipped in through the side door and headed up the stairs to Remus' office.

I could see him at his desk through the small window and I tried to hide my smile as I approached the door and knocked. When he turned, his face split into a wide grin and he motioned me inside. "Go ahead and shut the door," he said as I slipped inside.

Complying, I lowered myself into a chair and smiled back at him. "How goes the marking?"

"It's probably the most frightening stack of exams I've ever marked, your class. They were awful," Remus said with wide eyes.

My stomach sank. What would he think of me if I'd failed the exam? "I er... was mine that bad?"

"Oh no, not my prized pupil," he said with a laugh. It was true and it wasn't deliberate. I had gotten full marks on almost every single assignment and exam in Remus' course. And it wasn't just his brilliant teaching, either. The subject was probably the most interesting I'd taken thus far.

I held my breath a bit as he reached into his stack of exams and drew out mine. With a grin, he slid it across the desk and in his usual fashion, he’d fixed my marks on the left corner. Full marks. On the final exam. Full marks.

I couldn't stop the pleased grin from spreading across my face. "And this isn't you being biased?"

Remus chuckled. "Of course not. You deserve those marks. I'm pleased that at least one person paid attention to the material during the course."

"Well I thought it was a great class," I answered.

Sitting back, Remus crossed his arms over his chest. "Since you can't woo good marks out of me any longer, what do you say to having dinner with me? I'm sure you'd like to celebrate the end of the term and I've found this lovely little Italian place just round the corner from my house."

My stomach clenched and I was almost positive I'd heard him wrong. "Oh... uhm..."

"If you don't want to, you can say so," Remus said quickly, a flash of disappointment in his amber eyes.

"Oh I'd love to," I hurried. "I just wanted to make sure I had a free night this week." It was a lie, but a convincing one.

"Do you?" Remus pressed.

I did, of course. I never worked at night and any time I needed off I was given. "I think I can manage some free time tomorrow night," I said, and then bit down on my lower lip.

Remus smiled, a faint bit of pink colouring the tops of his cheeks. "Excellent. Shall I pick you up?"

He was offering to come over to my flat to pick me up. This had to be a date. "Oh that sounds great," I said and scribbled my address down on his notepad. "What time?"

"Six is always a good time for dinner," he said with a wink.

Any time was perfect for me, though I didn't say it. Instead, Remus and I fell into pleasant conversation for the better part of an hour. Eventually I had to get to work and I knew Remus needed to get back to his marking. Bidding him a farewell, I practically skipped down the stairs and all the way to the shop.

Tonks was already there when I arrived. She was clearly trying to look passive but her eyes shone with curiosity. "Have a good day?" she prodded, her lips twitching into a small smile.

I laughed. "Interesting enough," I said. I had a mind to tease her and not tell her but I was bursting to know. So it all came out in one huge gush. "A date? Not a date?"

Tonks tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Six is a rather date-ish time, you know."

"Yeah," I said slowly.

"And an Italian restaurant isn't usually made for friendly random dinners. Italian is romantic."

"He could just fancy the food," I said, trying to talk myself out of the excitement and hope.

"I dunno. He's never taken me out for Italian and I've known him for ages."

My mouth stretched into a grin and I accepted the anticipation for what it was. The rest of the night was spent speculating, wondering and making plans. Tonks, of course, had my entire outfit planned out and she gave me advice on how to wear my hair, what to say, how to laugh... all that sort of rubbish which I planned to ignore.

Eventually, about midnight, Tonks and I retired to bed though my sleep was little. I managed a slight lie-in and spent the whole of the day fretting that I was reading too much into Remus' words and actions. And then again, what if he did want something more? What was I to do then? Did I want more? Just because I fancied him didn't mean I was ready for a relationship.

I left these thoughts to myself, finding them too personal for Tonks' analysis. Instead I focused on my excitement and spent the bulk of the afternoon sketching,

Just as six o'clock approached, I was ready and waiting for Remus to arrive. He was a bit late, causing me to fret even harder than I had been, but when he arrived looking casual but oh-so-sexy, all of the worry disappeared.

We headed down to the street and I climbed into his black SUV. "Peckish?" he asked as I settled into the seat.

"Yes I am," which was true. I hadn't managed anything for the entire day and my stomach was thoughtfully reminding me of that fact. The restaurant was fairly empty when we arrived and we were seated straight away. Ordering a plate that was sure to be too much for me, I sat back and enjoyed Remus' presence.

He kept the conversation going smoothly until our server arrived with our plates. The server had been a classmate of mine in my Chinese History course. He was rather nice, though he made me uncomfortable at times with the winks and stares he would give me.

"Harry," he said, sounding quite pleased. "Nice to see you again."

"You too, Luke," I said hesitantly. I fixed Remus with a helpless gaze as Luke slid into the seat next to mine.

"Didn't think I would see you again after the term ended."

"Er, yeah," I answered, coughed and shifted over a bit.

Remus smiled pleasantly. "So you're a student as well?"

Luke blinked as though he only just realised Remus was there. "Yeah I am. I had Harry in my Chinese History course. Who are you?"

"I taught the History of the New Testament this term. Harry and I were just celebrating his perfect marks on his final exam."

Luke's eyes widened. "Perfect marks? On a final?"

I nodded, blushing a little. "It was really easy."

"So says the only student who got good marks on the final," Remus teased. "And since this is a celebration, do you think we should order a bit of wine."

"Yes," I gasped out, desperate for Luke to leave. "Wine sounds great."

Luke smiled and stood. "Well I'd say you deserve wine, Harry." And with that, he ambled off.

Letting out a slow breath, I rolled my eyes. "Well that was lovely."

"I think he was trying to chat you up."

"He was, spent the whole of the semester doing it," I groaned.

"And you're not interested?"

I shook my head firmly. "Not in the least. He's just... not my type."

Remus smiled softly and signalled for us to tuck into our food. It was rather good and before long I had consumed most of what was on my plate. When Luke arrived with our wine he was bogged down with several tables and ended up not being able to stay.

I grinned secretly at this though found it irritating when he spent most of his time smiling and winking at me. "Why does he keep doing it?" I finally wondered aloud. "I haven't given him a single hint that I'd be interested in him."

"False hope?" Remus replied in a strange tone.

"Well I don't like it," I said petulantly.

Remus gave a small chuckle and before I could say anything more, Remus got out of his seat and slid next to me. "Enjoying your wine?" he asked in a very low voice.

I swallowed thickly. "It's nice."

"I know how to make it better," he said. Reaching across the table, Remus picked up his glass of wine and set it in front of him. Then, reaching for my ice water, Remus plucked out a square cube and placed it on his tongue. He took a mouthful of wine into his mouth and before I could wonder what he was doing, he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine.

I opened my mouth automatically, losing myself in the feeling rather than wondering what was happening and moments later the ice, wine and Remus' prodding tongue entered. I swallowed instinctively until only the melting bit of ice was left and Remus had pulled away.

Remus smiled hesitantly as I tried to control my blush. "You're right," I said eventually, "it does taste better that way." When I looked up, I saw Luke watching Remus and I with a shocked expression. He didn't bother to conceal his fury and stormed away, refusing to see us again.

The rest of the meal passed in a strange and tense silence and I didn't bother to try and break it. Eventually the two of us headed back to my flat and before I got out of the car, Remus stayed me with a hand on my wrist.

"Can I see you again?" he asked.

I had been certain he wouldn't want to, so the question startled me and I hesitated in my answer. "I uhm... of course. I'd love to see you again."

"If you have any reservations about this..." he started but I held up my hand.

"The request just startled me," I told him honestly.

With a smile, Remus reached out, took my chin in his gentle fingers and kissed me once more. "Until tomorrow then." And that was the last thing spoken between us as I headed up the stairs.

Well my questions had been answered and despite the giddy feeling that had settled in the pit of my stomach, I knew I had one thing left to decide. Was Remus worth the potential hurt?

chapter 3

Walking into the flat, I found Tonks sitting up on the sofa, staring at me with wide eyes and an irritating grin. “You snogged,” she declared, pointing her finger at me.

I flushed. I couldn’t believe it was obvious. “What, am I wearing a sign?” I growled as I flopped into the armchair.

Tonks giggled. “No, I was just guessing. I can’t believe you two snogged! Harry, that’s great.”

“Is it?” I asked with a small frown. “Is it great?”

“You fancy Remus. Fuck Harry, you’re practically in love with him. How is this not great?”

“Considering my track record…” I said with a huff.

Tonks rolled her eyes. “Wasn’t the purpose of you moving here to start over?”

“Yes,” I breathed, kicking my feet up on the low table. “It could still be a colossal mistake. Remus is so much like Severus it’s scary.”

“Have you told him about your past?” she questioned.

“No and I have no intentions of doing so. How’s he going to think of me then, when I say that I left because I couldn’t handle dating my former professor?”

“I doubt he’ll mind much. I’m sure he’s had his share of mistakes as well.”

She was totally right and I knew I’d have to tell Remus at some point. But still, saying the things I’d done aloud? Telling Remus what I’d done to Draco, all because my heart was broken? He would surely hate me.

This was all too much. It really was. I excused myself to bed and decided not to talk about it for a while.

Two days passed before I heard from Remus again and I had begun to think he really was disinterested in me after the kiss. I was working a shift on my own that Friday night when the door opened and Remus stepped in the shop.

He fixed me with a slightly intense gaze and a hesitant smile. “Hello,” he said with a gentlemanly nod.

“Hey,” I said, not quite smiling myself.

“How are you?”

The tension was so thick I could barely breathe. Telling what he was thinking was almost impossible and I was growing more insecure by the moment. “I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t phone you sooner. A friend of mine had an emergency and I had to leave town. I would’ve phoned but I was distracted. I only just got back about ten minutes ago.” Remus paused and laughed. “I haven’t even been home yet. Just to your flat and Tonks told me you were here tonight.”

I felt my heart lighten just a little. “Oh, well sorry about the emergency. I hope everything’s okay.”

“It is now,” Remus said with a wink. “Fancy dinner? When do you close up shop?”

I checked my watch and suppressed a huge grin. “Forty-five minutes. Enough time for you to settle things at home?”

“Yes it is. Why don’t I meet you at your flat in an hour and a half and we can go from there.”

“Okay,” I said and grinned stupidly as he waved and headed back out of the shop. God I was pathetic but the amount of relief I felt from this small visit was almost comical.

An hour and a half later I was walking down the stairs to the street where Remus was waiting. He gave me a cheerful wave hello as I slipped into his car and waited impatiently for him to get in as well.

“I thought we might have a spot of dinner at my house,” he said, switching on the engine.

My heart began to race. His house? His house. That was a serious invitation. “Er… are you sure?” I asked.

“Well if you’re not comfortable with it,” he said with a shrug, “we can go out.”

I paused, not sure what I wanted. Eventually I just opened my mouth and spoke, which is a stupid thing to do, but in this case, it worked out. “Why don’t we just go to your house? You look exhausted and you deserve a sit-down.”

Remus’ face brightened and he quickly sped off. The drive ended up being quite long and it seemed that Remus lived at the base of the large mountain. When we pulled up to his house, I marvelled at the desert beauty of it. There were colourful cacti scattered about his front garden, and the house was partially tucked into a cliff. It wasn’t huge but it was quaint enough. It didn’t have the typical desert theme to it when we stepped inside, either, which I appreciated.

The place was decorated with a myriad of paintings, books, plush French-style furniture and candles were everywhere. The front door led into the lounge, which split off, to the kitchen on one end and the hallway that led to the bedrooms on the other.

“This is my home,” he said, waving his hand about. “Feel free to sit down or tour the place. I’m going to get us a couple of drinks. Wine okay with you?”

I nodded and began to browse his books. All of the titles were either in French or German. I didn’t recognise any of the books but I was in awe of him. His house was exactly as I imagined mine to be when I finally finished with my education and settled into my career. It was perfect.

Just one more thing that I found endearing about him and one more reason I didn’t want to let him go.

“Here you are,” he said, startling me out of my thoughts. Remus pressed a glass of dark-red wine in my hand and gestured toward the sofa. “Shall we sit? I put the dinner in the oven and it ought to be done soon.”

“Excellent,” I said and took a seat just a breath away from the tawny-haired man.

“You looked a little distressed when I first saw you today, Harry,” Remus said and my cheerful mood plummeted. It was clear that Remus was going to force these fears, these feelings, out of me.

“I was… just a little bit,” I confessed.

Remus nodded slowly. “I thought as much. Was it because we didn’t chat before? Or is it something else?”

I shrugged and let out a slow breath. I knew Remus rather well. We’d spent a fair amount of time together before and during the term. Then there was the kiss and it was clear he wanted me. But I was still lost. I didn’t know what he wanted and I was afraid to be hurt. Again. I was afraid what would come out of me if that pain surfaced in me once more.

“It’s… both,” I said a little lamely. “I sort of have this… past and I guess I’m just feeling a little hesitant.”

“I can understand that, you know. I really can. Before I moved here, as I’ve told you before, I’d had a very bad split with someone I loved very much. In the end I think it was all for the best but even now the hurt peeks out.”

I frowned. “Are you over him though? Are you really over him?”

“As much as I ever will be, Harry. I think there are people in our lives who will always leave a lasting imprint. I think my last lover was one of those people. Luckily I’ve had three years with no contact and I know that even if he did come back, he’s not right for me.”

I toyed with the edge of my wine glass and sat in thought. Is that how I felt about Severus? I mean, if he came up to me in this moment, apologised and told me he did truly believe that he loved me, would I take him back?

When I looked back up at Remus’ beautiful amber eyes I knew that although I didn’t have an answer yet, it was looking like Remus was more there for me than Severus ever could be.

“I know what you mean,” I eventually whispered.

Remus’ mouth stretched into a soft smile and he reached out, plucking the wine glass from my hands and he set it on the table. Lacing his fingers with mine, he pulled me forward so that our faces were just inches apart.

“I didn’t mean to make you fret,” he whispered. “I just didn’t think.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered back, feeling the intimacy of this moment flooding through my every pore.

“It’s not. I like you Harry, I have since the moment I saw you and I didn’t want to make you fret the way I did. Can you forgive me?”

“Yes,” I breathed and could say no more as his mouth claimed mine and I lost myself in his wonderful arms.

It was over almost too soon but Remus didn’t release me this time. He just held me close, his fingers tangled in my hair and his breath ghosting over my cheeks. “Harry,” he said as though tasting the word.

“I’m… I’m no good at this, just so you know,” I blurted suddenly, finding myself, as usual, horribly awkward in those sweet, intimate moments.

Remus chuckled a little and pulled back so he could look into my face. “No good at what, Harry?”

I shrugged, my face already flushed from the kiss. “This. Relationships or… you know, snogging. Whatever it is we’re doing. I’m rubbish at it. I’ve only had it twice and they were complete disasters.”

“We can’t all have perfection on the first try,” Remus said seriously. “I’ve had my fair share of one-offs and relationships and friendships, Harry, and I still barely know what I’m doing. I’m not expecting any more than what you want to give me.”

Remus words flowed over me as a soothing balm and I merely sat and enjoyed the feeling. No one had ever spoken to me like that, not even Draco with his flowery promises of love and eternity. No one had ever promised they would be okay with only what I have to give.

“Do you believe that love exists?” I asked suddenly. It sounded odd but the truth was, I had to know. I couldn’t make the same mistake again.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, and I noticed a strange sort of look in his eyes. Something akin to suspicion or perhaps familiarity. I wasn’t sure.

A sudden fear struck me. What if he thought I was implying that I loved him? I didn’t! I barely knew him. “I only meant the idea of love,” I quickly clarified. “Do you believe that the emotion love actually exists?”

“Yes,” he said slowly, “I do. Do you?”

“Yes,” I said, my voice filled with relief. “I just… just had a bad experience with someone who didn’t believe the same way and I had to make sure. Forgive me for being so paranoid.” I suddenly felt rather sheepish and slightly immature.

To my relief, Remus gathered me into his arms and kissed me soundly. “It’s okay,” he breathed against my mouth and I melted in his arms.

Needless to say, dinner was all but forgotten that night, and for several nights later. I could go on and on in my tale, describing the days and nights Remus and I spent in each other’s arms. I could spend hours talking about our tentative relationship, the way we both seemed to constantly fear and how we spent so much time reassuring one another of our certainty in our loving embraces, kisses and passionate love making.

I’m sure some of you will be disappointed that I’m not going to tell those tales. They are wonderful, they really are. But they are mine, and I think I’ll keep them to myself. Instead I’ll leap into the future, one year later actually, when things got to their worst.

Something happened that I didn’t expect and it turned everything upside down. I won’t lie to you, I was certain at one point that I was going to lose Remus to another man. I was almost certain at that time that I was going to leave Remus for another man as well.

So this is where my tale truly begins. I won’t tell you where I am now, or whom I am sitting with, but I will tell you that I did find my happiness.

dbdbdb

Remus and I had officially declared our love for one another. It had been a year and though the two of us were almost obsessive about taking things slowly, we were still very much happy. I spent the bulk of my time at Remus’ house though I still maintained my little flat with Tonks and still worked the bookshop job in between classes.

I was still another year from graduating and still had another four years atop that before I was ready to teach. But I was happy. Remus and I had no plans to move and although we talked about a European holiday, we never really meant it.

It was well after our one-year anniversary that it all seemed to fall apart, and honestly, by this time I did not see it coming.

I walked into Remus’ house one night after a long day’s work and found my lover seated on the sofa, staring blankly at the television.

“Something wrong?” I asked him, sidling up next to him.

Remus started, as though he hadn’t noticed me come in and he met me with my usual kiss. “No, nothing’s wrong. I’ve just got off the phone with an old friend who’s coming to visit.”

“Oh really?” I asked, secretly pleased to meet someone from his past. He’d given me no clue about his past, his lovers, his family, nothing. It was a sudden joy to learn one of them would be visiting. “Who is it?”

“Uhm… well it’s a very old friend of mine from England. He’s going to be here next week and he’ll be staying for the rest of the term.”

My eyes widened. “Really? That long?”

“He’s filling in for Margaret’s sudden departure.” Margaret was the entry-level history professor and due to a death in the family she’d left suddenly, leaving six classes untaught. Remus filled in on what he could but he already had a full timetable to work with.

“Oh so he’s a teacher then.” It was odd, so many teachers in my life. Perhaps a sign that I really ought to be one.

“Well anyhow, he’s staying here and I’m sure you’ll have plenty of opportunity to meet him.” Remus’ tone was strange, a bit strained and very closed.

“Is something wrong?” I asked almost meekly.

Remus shook his head and slowly drew me closer to him. “I just wasn’t expecting to see anyone from my past and now… now this.”

“Is it a bad thing?” I asked. “Does he not know about us?”

“Oh I told him everything. Well mostly, anyhow. He knows you’re English and he’s looking forward to meeting you. There’s just… one tiny thing.”

I knew there would be. “Yes?” I asked carefully, almost afraid to know.

Remus laced his fingers with mine. “He’s an ex-lover.”

Oh. Well I was expecting something a bit more. But then again… “Is he the lover?” I asked.

Remus gave a slow nod. “We’d always swore we’d stay in touch, be friendly, but we never did. Now this, and well, I didn’t want you to think there was anything more to it than this.”

His words were very reassuring and I leant up to kiss him gently. “It’s really okay,” I said. “I don’t mind, so long as you love me best.”

Remus chuckled and cupped my cheek. “Of course I love you best.”

A few hours later as we were lying in bed, Remus behind me. I felt him shift and then I felt movement and hot breath ghosting over my right ear. “I can’t hear you in that ear,” I said slightly groggily.

The movement continued and I reached up to confirm that he was speaking, which he was. With a growl I rolled over, pushed him onto his back and straddled his waist. Remus tucked his arms under his head and smiled up at me.

“What were you saying?” I demanded with a mocking glare.

“Hmmm what was I saying?” he asked cheekily. “I can’t quite remember.”

I leant forward on my arms and brought my face down close to his. “I didn’t have my hearing aid in, I couldn’t hear you.”

“Yes I know,” he said with an infuriating grin.

“That’s not fair!” I declared hotly.

Remus smirked, grabbed my waist and flung me to the side, quickly straddling me. Leaning very close to me so that I could feel his warm breath against my face, he whispered near my left ear, “You are amazing and I love you more than I thought possible.”

My heart clenched with both nerves and happiness. The feeling of love crashed over me so hard all I could do was pull him down for a firm kiss. Our lips moulded together as if they were made to be that way.

When I finally pulled away, I reached up and ran my fingers down Remus’ cheek. “I…” faltering in my words, I turned my face away. I didn’t know what to say. I’d heard declarations like that before in my life, from Draco, of course, but these words were spoken with a feeling I thought I’d never hear.

“It’s okay,” Remus said, kissed me again and reached over to switch off the light. Settling next to me, he pulled the covers up and pressed a kiss to my shoulder.

After a few moments, Remus’ fingers trailed down my arm, pushing my hand open and began to trace patterns on my palm. It took me a few minutes to realise what he was doing but eventually I began to make out letters.

I concentrated with a deep frown as I repeated the letters in my head, forming a sentence. “I… will love you… always?” I asked.

“Correct,” he breathed and rewarded me with a kiss along the back of my neck.

He began to trace shapes again. This time I burst into laughter. “You’re lucky I’m such a good shag?”

“Correct again,” Remus said with amusement in his voice.

I spun round and grabbed Remus’ hand spelling out my own little message. I had to trace it four times before he got it, but he rewarded me with the deepest kiss I’d ever experienced.

“Yes my eternity should be with you as well,” he breathed into my left ear. “Always.”

It should have stayed like that. Despite the fear, the small bits of reluctance and insecurity the both of us felt, it was happiness. I never thought I’d have it, but for the first time I could remember, I was content.

The week passed much the same and on the night his friend was due to arrive, I agreed to meet Remus at the house for dinner. Remus phoned me on his way to pick up the person who I didn’t realise was still nameless to me.

“Well I’m almost there. He phoned me earlier and told me that his lover will be along in a few weeks, as soon as his class is finished.”

“Well that’s a pity but you’ll have some time to catch up then, won’t you?” I replied, but that made me nervous. The ex. THE ex. Remus’ Severus. What was I supposed to think about that? The two of them alone together in the house getting to know one another again. What if it had all changed? What if Remus preferred someone like-minded, smarter than I was, older, better? I couldn’t lose Remus and I began to panic.

“Well I’ll see you soon, if you still want me for dinner,” I said, trying to mask my discomfort and doing a piss-poor job at it.

“I want you for longer than that, Harry,” Remus said kindly. “I’ll see you very soon. I miss you already.”

I flushed a little. “I miss you as well. See you soon.” With that, I rang off and prepared myself to meet THE ex.

It was too much anticipation. I worked myself nearly sick as I tried to find something to wear. Tonks had tired of my rambling and fretting hours before hand and left me to my own agony as I tried to decide what would be best.

How should I act in front of this person anyhow? How would Remus treat me? There were too many questions. Finally choosing my best jeans and a comfortable shirt, I slapped a handful of gel into my hair in a pathetic attempt to tame it and headed out to my car.

The drive to Remus’ was pleasantly long and gave me time to relax. Driving soothed me like nothing else could and by the time I pulled up to Remus’ house my heart had slowed and I was breathing normally again.

Remus was home already and I could see the light on in the interior of the house. I wondered briefly if Remus wanted me to knock, but my heart told me nothing had changed because of one man.

I walked up to the door and slowly pushed it open. I couldn’t hear any noise but that was normal for me and instead followed the smell of food into the kitchen where Remus was standing alone.

He turned and met me with a huge smile. “I thought it would be awkward but it’s actually rather pleasant,” he said after he kissed me.

“Where is he?” I asked, more anxious to see if I was close to comparison with this man. This famed lover.

“He’s outside enjoying the weather,” Remus said with a laugh. “I’m sure you can appreciate that one.”

I quirked a half smile. It was true and I wondered how much in common with this man I could possibly have. Remus poured out three glasses of our favourite wine and handed me one.

“Ready to meet him?”

No. “Yes,” I said in spite of myself.

Remus let out a nervous laugh and led me outside.

And that’s when it all hit me. That’s when I realised my life would always be slightly more complicated than anyone else I knew. That’s also when I nearly choked on my wine.

Sitting in one of the garden chairs was none other than Severus Snape. He looked much the same, though that thought didn’t register straight away. He was fixing me with the most surprised look I’d ever seen on him and he rose slowly.

“Well isn’t this interesting,” Severus said in that painfully familiar tone. “Never thought… well I…” he was fumbling for words. Severus Snape was fumbling for words. This was going to be bad.

“Severus, I’d like you to meet my lover, Harry.”

My gaze was firmly locked with Severus’ and I barely heard Remus’ words. “I… can’t do this,” I gasped. I turned to run into the house, leaving a bewildered Remus and knowing Severus standing outside.

It was close to being over. I couldn’t handle this and I had to get away.

chapter 4

As I stepped outside I found that the walk to the car was too long. My legs had grown immediately weary and the furthest I could go was to the small swaying bench. Steadying myself with one foot, I drew my other leg to my chest, resting my chin on my knee.

Severus. Severus. Severus.

The name wouldn’t stop repeating in my head, his face wouldn’t stop haunting me. I could feel his presence, looming, ominous, sucking the happiness from my life as he had done just before I left.

And here he was again. Putting a hand over my face, my previous thought came back to me. I was set to meet Remus’ Severus. Oh the irony of that moment was overwhelming.

I could hardly believe any of it. I found I wasn’t sad or angry. The emotions were too confusing for me to decide exactly what I was. Except that I was alone. Remus was still inside with Severus. With his former lover. With the man he couldn’t get over the same as I couldn’t get over.

Oh we were so fucked.

And then another thought came back to me. Remus had mentioned a lover. Severus had moved on and gotten another lover. One he deemed worthy to bring along on this trip. One that would last the better part of the term. What if that person made Severus fall in love, or feel love, or believe in it? This person who could make Severus feel what I could never make him feel. What Remus could never make him feel.

When I felt a warm hand fall on my shoulder, I started. I hadn’t heard anyone come outside and I jumped as I gazed up into the troubled face of Remus.

“I…” he said and hesitated, easing himself down next to me. “Harry I’m sorry.”

“Did you know?” I asked miserably.

“Of course not. Do you think I would’ve brought you here unawares if I’d known?”

I gave a feeble shrug. “You obviously know now.”

Remus gave a short nod. “He explained it. Some of it. I took it upon myself to assume Severus is the one. The one as he is my one.”

I gave a bitter laugh. “The coincidences of our past lovers are no longer so strange.”

“It seems not.” Remus shook his head and gently reached out to trace the outside of my ear, a favourite habit of his. “Do you want me to drive you home?”

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

“Then we are much the same tonight,” Remus said and pressed a kiss to the side of my face.

The attention he was showing me was comforting in that troubling moment and I thought for a short while that things really would be okay between us.

“Did he know, Remus? Did you tell him who I was?”

Remus shook his head. “I just didn’t think. Didn’t think to mention his name with you, either.”

I toyed with the laces on my trainer absently as I thought. “What do we do now? I mean, he’s going to be staying with you and he was your… well… you know. What does this mean for us?”

Remus wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him. “This means nothing more than it meant before you knew who he was, Harry. This means nothing to us because we are an us.”

I looked up into Remus’ eyes and saw nothing but the utmost honesty. And I believe, even now, that in that moment Remus believed that. Reaching my face up for a kiss, Remus pressed his lips to mine and then took my hand.

“I still have dinner cooking and I can’t chuck him out. Why don’t we go inside, eat and try to work some of this out. I think Severus is just as shocked to see you as you were to see him.”

I bit my lower lip but eventually nodded and allowed Remus to draw me inside. Severus was now in the lounge, sipping on brandy and looking even more peaky than he usually did.

When Remus and I entered the room, Severus looked up with expressionless eyes and tipped his glass toward me. “I see the pouting has ended,” he sneered.

Nothing I hadn’t been used to before, so I didn’t react to the snark. “Good to see you again,” was all I replied with and happily accepted the wine Remus pressed into my hand.

“Can I trust you two to play nicely,” Remus asked, “because I need to finish preparing our meal.”

“I believe we can,” Severus said and I replied with just a nod as Remus left the room.

Shifting uncomfortably, I stayed standing near the wall, trying not to look directly at Severus who seemed to find his brandy extremely fascinating.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he eventually snapped, “will you sit down? This situation is already uncomfortable enough as it is.”

I narrowed my eyes in a glare but lowered myself into the armchair and took a long drink from my glass. “This isn’t exactly easy for me either, Snape.”

“Back to surnames, are we Potter?” he asked with a slight smirk.

“We never ventured beyond them, if you remember,” I replied hotly.

“For a short while we did,” he said and his voice actually sounded a bit kinder. It was disconcerting and I wasn’t sure how to react to it. Eventually Severus let out a long breath and leant forward to look at me. “This is a shock for me. I certainly didn’t expect to arrive Stateside and find you shagging my former lover.”

“And I didn’t expect my current lover was once with you… like I was.”

Severus sneered and shook his head. “Yes the relationships really were disturbingly similar, now that I think about it. I suppose you two really are made for each other.”

“And your new lover?” I hissed. “Exactly what you were looking for? Someone with no emotions, is he?”

Severus actually went a bit green and cleared his throat. “Yes well… something I’d not rather discuss at this moment.”

I was shocked. The Severus Snape I knew would have never passed up an opportunity to rub something like that in my face. Yet here he was, clearly uncomfortable and refusing to talk about it.

Well I wasn’t going to goad him further. Yes, I was bitter, but I was also in love with Remus and didn’t want to cause any more friction than there was already going to be. And there was going to be a lot.

Remus came back into the lounge and noticed the stony silence. With a small sigh, he indicated that the dinner was ready and we all walked to the table and tucked into our meal, though no one really seemed very hungry.

By midnight, Remus and I were snuggling in bed. My head was swimming and I was certain I wasn’t going to be able to sleep.

“You can talk to me, Harry,” Remus said gently as he rubbed circles over the small of my back. “I can listen to anything, even if you need to tell me you still love Severus.”

“I don’t,” I mumbled. “It’s not a matter of love, Remus, because I love you. But the pain isn’t easily forgotten and having him here under your roof, knowing the past you two had…” I trailed off and sighed.

Remus stilled the motions on my back and eventually rolled me over to face him. “Do you trust me?” he asked.

My eyes widened. “Of course I do. That was never a question.”

“I mean,” Remus said more slowly, “do you fear that my feelings for Severus will change now that he’s here.”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t think that,” I said and meant it. “I just… keep thinking about his past with you and his past with me. It’s just so… well I just hate to think you’re feeling the same things toward him that I am.”

Remus ran his fingers into my hair and pulled me in for a gentle kiss. “There is still a whisper of hurt when I talk to him sometimes. I won’t deny that I loved him almost as much as I love you. But it’s long gone. I’ve had quite a lot of time to get over him compared to you. You just fled here and jumped into this uneasy relationship with me. I can’t expect this to be easy on you, but you can expect it to be easy on me.”

“Really?” I breathed, and was answered by way of lips against mine. Remus pulled me in toward him, keeping his hold on me firm and possessive. His tongue was persistent as it explored the inside of my mouth and his hands were unyielding as he found my hard length and stroked me until I came, crashing over the edge.

When it was over, I reached out to return the favour but he drew my hand away. “That was just for you,” he said, pressing his lips to my temple. “Just for you.”

I was a bit confused but more touched than I’d ever been in bed. “For me?”

Remus nodded and gently reached out to pull my hearing aids out of my ears. Placing them on the table, I slowly adjusted to the intense, heavy silence that came with my partial deafness and I trained my eyes on his lips.

“For you,” he mouthed and kissed me again. Reaching over me, he switched off the lamp and snuggled down into my side.

As I let the darkness wash over me soothingly, I felt Remus’ breathing even out as he slipped into his own slumber. In that moment I was sure it was to last. That Remus was the only one.

dbdbdb

At Remus’ request, I agreed to remain at his house for the entire duration of Severus’ stay. Despite my earlier declaration that I trusted Remus and believed that he was over Severus, I was still insecure.

I’d entered the relationship quite broken… because of Severus… and never allowed myself the time to heal on my own. I relied on Remus for so much of my happiness that the thought of Severus taking it away again was terrifying.

So I fell into a routine. Work, class and Remus. Severus was there sometimes, and sometimes he was not. After the first two weeks, the tension eased some and conversation was far easier than the first few times we’d all spoken.

I did notice that Severus didn’t speak another word about his mysterious lover, but I didn’t bother to bring it up again. I merely concentrated on remaining happy and comfortable with Remus.

Of course it was bound to happen that I spend some time alone with Severus, especially with Remus’ exams impending and the fact that I was taking time off of work for studying.

It was the third night that Severus and I were alone together that he finally decided to speak to me.

I was at the table in the kitchen with my papers and books spread out before me, my pencil clenched in between my teeth. I was frustrated with the class, US History being my weakest subject yet one of the required fields of the degree.

Severus was standing beside the cooker waiting for his tea to steep and he was watching me with hooded eyes. I pretended not to notice, but I did. How could I not when he was who he was?

“Having an issue?” he eventually asked.

I turned up glaring eyes toward him and pulled the pencil out from between my teeth. “I’d love to tell you to fuck off but…”

“I’m right?” he offered with a smirk.

“I hate US History,” I moaned and slammed the pencil atop my book.

“What is your issue?” he ventured as he stirred cream into his tea.

“The Jeffersonian Era,” I grumbled, now glaring at my page of notes. “It’s… stupid.”

Severus chuckled under his breath, put his spoon down and slid into the chair next to mine. “I would try to offer some help, but really, there’s no short-cuts for this rubbish. Now you see why I specialised in European History?”

I rolled my eyes but the friendly tone made the moment less tense. “I suppose so, depending on which European civilisation.”

Severus quirked an eyebrow but didn’t comment on it. Instead he grabbed my stack of notes and began to read them through. “Well I’d love to say you did a rubbish job and that’s your problem, but I think it’s your professor,” Severus eventually said. “His information is not in a proper time sequence, he seems to drone which is why your notes are so here and there, and his information seems to be barely accurate.” Then, to my continued surprise, Severus picked up my text and flipped through it. “This is likely why. Tell me, is the complete moron called your professor lecturing out of this book?”

I nodded. “Usually, though he has his own notes as well.”

“This book is rubbish. Your teacher is a moron and if I were you I’d just tell the class to fuck off and re-take it with someone competent. Does your lover,” he said, slightly sneering the word lover, “teach the subject?”

I shook my head. “Religious History and History of the Wars, depending on which term it is.”

“How like him,” Severus mused with a curious look in his eye that I really didn’t like. It was almost reminiscent and it made my insecurity shoot up.

Before I could react to that moment, Severus plucked the pencil from my fingers, took my notes and began to make corrections. His small, spidery writing soon covered the entire page, but it was legible. He’d corrected every point where I’d gone wrong and after I’d read through the lot, it all started to make sense.

“Uhm… thanks,” I said, slightly astonished he’d go through such trouble.

“Ever the teacher, I am,” he commented and rose from his chair, slipping outside.

I debated heavily whether I should follow and attempt to repair some of the damage done in our past but I didn’t have the courage. Instead I set down to my task of memorising what Severus’ had given me.

By the time Remus returned home, I was done with my homework and ready to spend some time in his company. Severus retired to his bedroom rather early, skipping the dinner Remus had made and left us to our intimate silence.

That night I felt strangely light yet strangely melancholy at the same time. I wasn’t sure what to make of my emotions during those days and I think Remus knew it. He did his best to reassure me and I felt sated through the rest of the week.

The next time Severus and I really spoke was just after the finals' marks were posted. Remus had agreed to teach two of the summer sessions, which kept him so busy he wasn’t usually home until well into the evening. Severus had agreed to stay on through another term since it looked like Margaret wasn’t going to return any time soon and her classes needed to be filled.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but our general conversation had been a lot less tense. There had been no mention of his lover who had yet to make an appearance, though I’d overheard Severus talking to him on a few occasions. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t painful to hear his voice so soft, the voice he’d once used with me, but I remembered Remus’ arms and found myself filled with guilt, as though my pain was a betrayal of sorts. And maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to still have those feelings after so much time had passed.

Severus was sitting outside when I walked in the door. It was the middle of December but the weather was lovely compared to where we had been living before. Throwing on my jumper, I grabbed a bottle of water and headed outside to say a hello.

Remus had previously phoned and said he wouldn’t be home until quite late. He had a dinner meeting with a few of his colleagues and was likely to be in well after eleven.

When I stepped outside Severus looked up at me with hooded eyes. “Where’s your lover?”

“Won’t be back until late,” I said with a shrug. “Enjoying the weather?”

“It’s too bloody hot here,” Severus grumbled and took a long drink from his bottle of beer. “Did you want something?”

“Not really,” I said and frowned. “Sorry if my company disturbs you.” I got up and started for the door.

“Wait,” Severus said and I paused with my hand on the door.

“Yes?”

“Your company… doesn’t disturb me,” he said in a tense tone. “You can sit. If you want.”

I stood there for a few moments before I walked back to the chair and sat. “Did you have a rough day?” I ventured.

Severus snorted. “Not really. Can’t exactly call my life here difficult.”

“But you miss your… you know… lover, don’t you?”

“His absence is felt,” Severus admitted, though grudgingly.

That hurt a little and I quickly rose to fetch something to drink. If I was going to do this with Severus, this companionable conversation about his lover, I wasn’t going to be sober.

Severus seemed to have the same idea and moments later we switched to something a bit harder. Ten minutes later Severus and I had loose enough tongues to develop on the previous statement.

In my state of inebriation I blurted out, “You really do miss your lover?”

“Yes,” Severus said without as much bitterness as before.

“Did you ever miss me, when I was your lover?” I knew where the words were coming from, but I didn’t know where the bollocks came from. Still, I had them and I was ready to speak my mind.

“You never left long enough for me to miss you,” Severus said and took a long drink of the scotch.

“What about when I left?”

“I left you, if you recall properly.”

Ouch. That was true but it was also painful. “Your mistake,” I repeated.

“My greatest mistake, in many ways,” Severus said in a tone so low I barely caught it.

But I did catch the words and I was pretty sure I caught the underlying meaning. “Severus,” I said, using his name carefully.

“Harry,” he repeated and looked at me directly.

His eyes were so much the same. So black, seemingly empty yet they were so full, you just had to look at them the right way. “Does he love you like I did?”

“Did?” Severus echoed and then gave a hollow laugh. “He doesn’t believe in love, Harry.”

“Just what you wished for,” I spat and finished off what was in my glass.

Severus laughed again, sounding so bitter. “I suppose so. Just what I wished for.”

“But not what you want?” I challenged, but before he could answer, I realised I’d had enough of the conversation. It was going into a dangerous place and I wasn’t ready to face it. Rising, I quickly walked into the house and soon found myself in Remus’ bedroom.

Removing my hearing aids, I changed into my pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt and decided that bed was probably the best idea. Before I could switch off the light and climb in, there was movement by the door and I turned to see Severus standing there.

His eyes flickered over to the table where my hearing aids were lying and he slowly raised his hands. Does he love you?

My heart clenched. No one signed to me anymore. Severus had been the very last. Remus didn’t know it and didn’t really show interest in learning it. I didn’t blame him but it was still my language.

He loves me.

Severus gave one short nod. Does he love you like you wished me to?

I dropped my hands, refusing to answer. Closing my eyes, I blocked out the sight of him and tried to wish him away. But the fates didn’t feel like being kind on this night. My luck, it seemed, had run out.

In my dark silence, I suddenly felt warm hands cup my cheeks. I couldn’t resist and my eyes slowly opened to see him just inches away from me. God, he was still so beautiful and in that moment all I knew was him.

“He won’t ever love you the way you wanted. You wanted the impossible and I can still give you that.” Severus moved closer so that our lips were nearly touching.

“I love him, though,” I breathed. And it was true. After Severus, all I saw was Remus and I loved Remus with all of my heart. Severus ran his thumb over my bottom lip and tiled my head up slightly. “Don’t,” I whimpered. “Please. I don’t want it.”

“Yes you do,” he whispered against my mouth. “I can feel it.”

“I don’t want it because I want it,” I said and made my tone as firm as I could manage in that moment. Pulling away from him very gently, I shook my head and took a step back. “Severus, I can’t. I’m happy.”

“For how long?” he asked and then raised his hands. He can’t give you what I can. I’ve realised my biggest mistake, Harry. It wasn’t being with you, it was not loving you as you deserved. I’ll never regret a thing, if you give me that chance. With that, Severus backed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

My head was swimming and I burst into tears. They were silent but more painful than I’d ever experienced in my life. Throwing myself into the bed, I switched off the lamp and cried myself to sleep. By the time my emotions let me go into my slumber, I was so gone I didn’t hear Remus come in later and didn’t hear him leave in the morning.

He was kind enough to leave me a small note declaring how much he missed me and that he would phone later. I felt hung over, and probably was. Needing to get out of the house where Severus’ presence was constantly felt, I dressed and got into my car, speeding down to the shop where Tonks was working an all-day shift.

Seeing the distressed look on my face, Tonks quickly pulled me into a hug and then sat me down and demanded to know what was going on. I spared no detail in recounting the events and I included my own thoughts and emotions during the entire time Severus and I were talking.

“So now what?” Tonks asked, sounding almost as defeated as I felt.

“Now I don’t know,” I confessed. “I don’t know what to do about this. Remus is clearly unawares and it would kill him to know I was even considering it.”

“And what about this unnamed lover of his? Where does he fit in?”

I gave a feeble shrug. “I don’t know, Tonks. I wonder if he even exists.”

“That’s the first thing I thought,” she said. “Why don’t you confront him about it?”

“Because I can’t be around him any longer. If I can, I don’t know if I can keep away.”

“Is he really that amazing?” she asked sceptically. “I’ve seen you with Remus, Harry, and you two are great together. You fit, and he loves you more than I can describe with words. I’ve seen how he looks at you and shit Harry, I’ve seen how you look at him. Severus won’t be here forever and he’ll likely chuck you just as easily as he did the first time.”

“I just think Remus deserves someone better than me, Tonks,” I groaned into my hands that were covering my face. “Even if I don’t get together with Severus, Remus deserves someone who wouldn’t consider another man.”

Tonks removed my hands from my face and looked into my eyes. “Are you really considering another man? Or are you just afraid and hurt by the man who was such a big part of your past?”

She was spot-on. Because in the end, I wanted my dues from Severus, nothing more. I couldn’t actually take being with him again. His constant discontent, his unending snark and unhappiness with the world.

Remus was what I needed, and Remus also deserved to know what had happened in the house.

“You’re right, Tonks,” I said with a nod. “Remus is the only one who actually matters to me.” I gave a small sigh and rubbed at my incredibly tense shoulder. “D’you think I ought to tell him about it?”

Tonks chewed on her lower lip in thought. “I’m not sure, Harry. It will likely cause a huge upset and you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it.”

“Not to mention how awful Remus will feel when he learns that Severus wants me back. He was hurt by Severus too and it won’t feel good to hear his ex-lover wants his current lover.”

“Well just make sure it’s clear to Severus so he doesn’t get any ideas. Is he the vindictive type?”

I shrugged. “I don’t think so, not really. A bit bitter, perhaps, but not vindictive.”

“Let’s hope not,” Tonks said.

Feeling much better, I decided to work that shift with her and was happy to receive my call from Remus. He phoned earlier in the afternoon to let me know he was home early. Tonks had asked me out to dinner so I told Remus I’d join her and meet with him later. By the end of the day, though, I was ready to see my lover and decided to skip the dinner in favour of Remus’ company.

I bade a fast farewell to Tonks before hopping in my car and heading out to the house. When I pulled up, I saw the interior of the house dark but the light in the back garden signalled that Remus had prepared the meal outside. I knew he wasn’t expecting me so I headed for the door.

I wasn’t, however, prepared for the sight I was met with. Standing beside the table was Remus and Severus… in exactly the same position Severus had me in the night before. Severus had Remus’ face in his hands. They were standing off to the side and I could see both of them perfectly. I wondered for a moment whether they saw me or not but it seemed as though they hadn’t.

Leaning against the glass, I could make out their lips perfectly and found myself horrified by the conversation.

“Leaving you was my greatest mistake,” Severus said and Remus closed his eyes, a look of pain crossing his face.

“I can’t do this, Severus.”

“But you want to.”

“Yes but… Harry…” Remus said weakly.

“He matters that much? Really? After all we’ve had, after what you want, he still matters?”

“I… have to think about this, Severus.” Remus pulled away and as he did, he caught sight of me. Paling rapidly, Remus started for the door but before he could get to it, I was out the front door and speeding away in my car.

In my mirror I could just make out his form in the fading dusk as I sped off down the road and I was determined not to look back. Ever.

I drove for I don’t know how long, and by the time I stopped the car and pulled over, I’d driven halfway up the mountain. I was certain I hadn’t been followed which I was both saddened by and grateful for. I wasn’t sure what I would’ve said to Remus or Severus had I been confronted with them.

I just didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think of what I was capable of because in that moment my heart was shattering. I’d told him no. Remus had said yes but I said no. I did admit that I wanted it but there would have never been a choice. Not for me. Remus was my all.

I thought I was his. I had felt guilty because I thought Remus was caught unawares and I had been wrong. That was the most painful part of it all.

I was never good enough. I never would be good enough, not for Severus and not for Remus.

I don’t remember how long I sat there, outside in the desert mountain, overlooking a large cliff. I could see the city below me, the small twinkling lights appearing as the sun began to set in earnest, the sky turning a faint purple colour. The stars began to peek out, the brightest coming out first and the rest appearing with the full moon.

The air began to cool off rapidly and eventually I realised I was shivering and needed to come up with a plan. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a place to go. I still had my flat with Tonks and if anyone would understand and sympathise, it was her. Still, recounting the events I’d just witnessed was to admit it happened.

I was shaking from my emotions as well as the cold when I finally got back into my car and started back into the city. The road took me directly past Remus’ house and I could see that his car was missing. It was likely he was either out looking for me or out looking for a sympathetic ear. Or perhaps a peaceful place to drink and ponder his choice.

And that was another thing. Was I willing to let there be a choice? Was I willing to accept Remus back after that? I couldn’t be too judgemental. In the heat of that one moment I wanted Severus as well, but I pushed him away. I never let my love for Remus waver. Not once.

I couldn’t be sure that Remus’ love for me was less than his want for Severus, but it was clear to me from what I’d seen that he was considering Severus. And that was the painful part. Severus had taken a huge part of my trust. Such a huge part that I’d still been unable to open up to Remus.

Remus didn’t know about Draco, he didn’t know about my father or the details of my relationship with Severus. Remus knew the bare basics of me. That was it.

It was all because I’d opened up to Severus and had my dreams of love and contentment shattered by those small words, “It was a mistake.”

I couldn’t handle being Remus’ mistake either and I was frightened. Pulling up to my flat, I saw Tonks’ car was missing from the street so I headed upstairs, lit the lamps, pulled my thin blanket round my shoulders and attempted to wait for her on the sofa.

The emotional trauma of the night caused my body to tire out so quickly that by the time she got home, I was asleep.

When I woke, it was morning already and I found Tonks in the kitchen preparing a rather large breakfast. Emotionally broken, my stomach was too tense to handle food and I accepted only the offered tea.

“So do you want to tell me now or do you want to play twenty questions?” she asked as she tipped the eggs and toast onto her plate.

I sighed into my cup and took a long drink. “Remus and I split up.”

“I gathered that,” she said. She hesitated a moment, her face troubled as she sat down across from me. “He was here last night.”

My eyes widened. “What?”

“Long before you got home,” she said. “He and I went down to the café and had a short chat.”

“What did he say?” I demanded, my insides clenching worse than they already were.

“He was very worried when he saw you hadn’t come here first,” she said almost timidly. “He said you overheard a conversation between him and Severus.” Tonks sighed and took a drink of her juice before continuing. “You see, at first I thought it was because of the other night. Then he just sort of broke down and started crying and apologising. I realised it wasn’t you who’d fucked it up. I was sympathetic to him, I hope you’re not angry with me.”

I shook my head dumbly, unable to respond verbally.

“I was angry with him, mind, but he was crying and I couldn’t stand to see him so hurt.”

“Did you tell him about my incident with Severus?” I asked in a dead tone.

“No. I thought you should do that yourself.”

“Did he say why?” I demanded, now sounding slightly angry. “Did he give any sort of excuse?”

“None, except that he wasn’t thinking. He said he felt stupid for what you saw and he didn’t mean it.”

I shook my head and gave a bitter laugh. “Didn’t mean it.”

“You aren’t totally innocent in this either, Harry,” she pointed out. It stung, and she was right. “You and Remus were in the same position. I don’t think Remus knows about you and Severus, but you know about him and Severus. You ought to be mad at Severus for playing on both your and Remus’ past with him. Severus knew damn well what he was doing, Harry.”

“But…” I said and replayed Remus’ words in my head. He had to think about it. I didn’t. I just wanted to get away from Severus, but Remus needed to think about it. “He doesn’t love me enough, Tonks,” I said miserably. “I’m not enough for him.”

“What is it about this Snape, guy?” Tonks hissed angrily. “Honestly. You and Remus are both great and worth so much more than this asshole. Please Harry, at least talk to Remus.”

But I couldn’t. I ignored every single phone call for the next two weeks. I avoided the University as best I could and refused to pass along or hear any messages from Tonks. I wasn’t about to walk into this blindly.

I wasn’t going to forgive Remus unless I figured out what I really wanted from him. It wasn’t just the Snape thing, in the end. It was the fact that Remus was the source of my happiness and I couldn’t deal with that.

I needed to start fresh with him. I couldn’t walk into the relationship again until Remus knew the proper me. Until he knew what I’d done, how I’d felt. Knew my father, knew the Snape that I did, knew about my first love and my last.

After the third week I found myself missing Remus and going out of my mind with not knowing. Because I’d been avoiding Remus so thoroughly, I didn’t know whether he and Severus had decided to get back together. I didn’t know if he knew what Severus had said to me or if Severus had finally gone.

Remus and I had been together far too long for me to walk away like that. It wasn’t fair to either of us. So, plucking up the courage, I picked up my mobile and dialled Remus’ number.

He answered immediately, his voice sounding almost hysterical when he answered with, “Harry? Is that you?”

“It’s me,” I said, my stomach churning rather unpleasantly.

“Uhm… well… how are you?” he said, stumbling over his words.

“I’m getting along,” I said and then took a deep breath. “I think you and I need to talk.”

“Harry listen, I know what you overheard was hurtful. I can’t take back the words but I’m so sorry and I…”

“Wait,” I said sharply, silencing him. “I don’t want to do this over the phone. There are more issues here than what I saw between you and Snape.”

“I had a feeling there were,” Remus said with a small sigh. “Mon dieu, Harry, are we going to get past this?”

“I can’t answer that now,” I said honestly. “When can you meet me?”

“Now, later, whenever. I’ll make any time for you, Harry. I can’t take your absence.”

“Is he… are you and he…” I blurted, desperate to know yet desperate to push the thought out of my head.

“He and I aren’t anything, Harry. I promise you that.”

“Is he still there?”

“He is,” Remus admitted hesitantly. I had to give him credit for being honest with me in that moment, despite the anger it brought up in me.

“Tonight at six. I’d prefer it to be here at my flat,” I said. “I want to be able to talk alone.”

“I’ll be there,” he vowed.

“See you then.” And not allowing him to say anything more, I rang off. Now all I had to do was wait.

dbdbdb

Remus arrived ten minutes early, though that wasn’t unexpected. I was ready for him, with tea and steeled nerves. I was prepared to see him teary-eyed or angry or calm. I was prepared for anything.

I was even prepared for the pain it caused me when I first saw him again and for how much I longed to just wrap my arms round him, bury my face in the side of his neck and never move again.

Remus gave me a slightly pained smile as he took a seat in the chair and accepted the tea. We sat in a tense silence for several moments before I began.

“I’m not sure what Snape told you about me, but I want to make sure everything is out in the open.”

“Do you mean about your past?” he asked with a bemused frown.

“No,” I said. “Severus knows more than anyone concerning my past, but I don’t think he would have divulged any of that information.”

“He hasn’t,” Remus said, looking slightly hurt.

“I was referring to the other night, when you were at the late meeting,” I confessed. “Severus and I had been drinking and talking.” I slowly recounted every moment that Severus had spent in each other’s company and when I finished I looked directly into Remus’ pained eyes.

“So he… you and he…”

“We didn’t do anything more than what I saw the two of you doing. Though my reaction was slightly different,” I said icily.

Remus visibly winced at that, but didn’t deny anything. “He didn’t mean what he said to me.”

“Does it matter?” I asked.

Remus sighed. “Not really. I thought, for that moment he was speaking to me like he had once, that it would matter. That perhaps I was passing up something great. But then I saw your face, the pain in your eyes for that split second and I knew that all I wanted was you.”

“I knew that without seeing you,” I said. “Do you love me enough, Remus?”

Remus nodded firmly and his hand twitched as though he wanted to touch me. “More than enough. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been more sorry, Harry. Considering someone other than you was my greatest mistake and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sure I never do it again.”

My heart gave a great lurch. He used similar words Severus had, yet they held so much more meaning. Severus didn’t really feel sorry for letting me go. I didn’t know why Severus had decided to try his luck with us both, but I knew Remus had chosen me.

“There’s more, Remus. Much more, before you decide what you want of me.”

“Before I decide?”

I nodded, took a deep breath and began the tale of my life. It was odd how short a time it took to tell him everything. I spared no remembered detail when I explained the tension between my father and me. I told him about the relationship with Draco, the break up, the death of my godfather and my relationship with Severus. I told him all.

I told him exactly why I didn’t let him into my past before, why I was terrified in that moment and how frightened of myself I was.

Remus waited for several moments after I’d stopped talking. “And you think I would turn you down after hearing this?”

“I thought you might not want to be with me,” I confessed.

Remus shook his head. “This isn’t my choice, Harry. My choice has nothing to do with your past. I accept you for who you are. But you, Harry, you need to make the decision. I won’t lie to you. I had considered Severus. I realise now what he was doing but I won’t deny that I wanted him.”

Only part of me actually wanted to hear that confession. Only part of me really wanted to know the truth and it was just as painful as I thought it would have been. My eyes burned with unshed tears and I had to turn away from him. “Why am I not good enough?”

“You are,” he stressed. “I just didn’t…”

“What?” I said, turning my eyes back to him. “You didn’t remember? You didn’t think? Not when he was touching you and promising you all the things you’d wanted from him before you left. Not when he could offer a thousand things that I can’t.” My voice had taken on a note of desperation, but I couldn’t help it. I just wanted for once, someone who wanted only me. Only me.

“Harry,” Remus begged.

I shook my head. “I can’t do this right now. I need to think.”

“My heart is with you Harry, no matter which route you choose. It will always be with you.” Remus stood and walked toward the door.

Before he left, I stood up and asked him what I was dying to know. “Remus, if I turn away from us, will you go back to him?”

Remus bowed his head. He took in a deep breath that I couldn’t hear and finally looked me in the eye. “How could I?” And with that, he was gone.

Long after Remus had left, my tears would not fall. Eventually I went to bed, feeling more hollow and more empty than I had in a long time. Remus’ face floated at the surface of my mind but lurking just beyond his kind eyes was another face. Severus Snape.

When I woke in the morning I knew exactly what I had to do.

dbdbdb

I knew Severus was free the next morning while Remus was at his office. I wasn’t sure if I was going to catch Severus but I made it a point to arrive early.

Using my key, I slipped into the house and looked round until I spotted Severus out in the back garden enjoying his morning coffee.

I made no attempt to conceal my presence as I slipped outside and I fixed him with cold eyes. Severus set down his coffee and rose to greet me, a small smirk playing with his lips.

“What are you playing at, Severus?” I demanded as I approached him.

“I can’t expect someone of your age to understand what I’m doing,” Severus said with a shrug.

He meant the words to sting, another blow at my age as though it made me inferior. It wasn’t working. “If you planned to cause this sort of upset, you’ve done a fine job. What I don’t understand is why? Why tell me these things, why tell him? Do you want me to continue to pine for you?”

“That was never my intention,” he said in a strangely quiet tone.

“What was your intention?” I hissed, my anger almost boiling over.

Severus let out a small sigh and then without warning, he took my face between his long, soft fingers and looked me directly in the eye. “Because he was the next best thing, Harry. You turned me down. The rejection was plain and I couldn’t bear it. I wanted something, Harry, and next to you, he is the only thing I could tolerate.”

I shivered under his intense gaze and didn’t make a move to stop him when Severus leant in very slowly, and kissed me. His lips were pliant, soft and warm as they had always been. But the kiss was empty.

Perhaps once upon a time I would have believed passion was in that kiss, but now, at this point in my life, I could see that passion was Severus’ greatest pretend. I could feel it behind his prodding tongue and in the fingers that were pressing into my cheeks.

Eventually Severus pulled away and looked at me. His eyes were dead. He knew that I knew. “Why?” I whispered.

Severus turned his face away for a moment. “You’ll never understand.”

I took a step back and gave him a small smile. Perhaps not, I signed when he looked back at me. I’ve never been afraid to love, Severus. You’ve always been afraid.

It was the oddest thing. As I signed the words, as I thought the words, I understood them.

You know nothing, Severus signed back hastily.

“I know enough,” I said and sighed. “Remus is mine, Severus, and I’m his. This mysterious lover of yours… he can belong to you but you’ll have to let him.”

A sudden cold glint flashed in Severus’ eyes and his mouth moved into his usual smirk. “Did you tell your precious lover of your past yet?”

I nodded. “He knows. The choice is mine now, Severus.”

“Because of me,” Severus said evilly. “Because he wanted me.”

“But I wanted you too, and he knows that as well. It’s not really a choice, Severus. It never was and I think I need to remind him of that.”

More sated in the soul than I had ever been, I walked back toward the house and left, not once looking back.

dbdbdb

The hours that passed seemed like an eternity as I waited for Remus’ classes to end. He had a strict routine, which really worked for me. Classes from nine to noon and then two hours in his office marking papers.

I waited until a little past noon before venturing up to the office and found the door closed. I could see movement beyond the small curtain blocking the window and I entered without knocking.

Remus looked rather pale and quite surprised to see me as I stepped in the small room and locked the door behind me.

“Harry,” he said and pushed out the second chair for me to sit in.

I smiled at him gently, hoping to convey contentment in my expression. “How were your classes?”

“Well enough,” he said slowly.

Leaning forward on my knees, I clasped my hands under my chin and looked him directly in the eye. “I went to your house this morning.”

“I had early classes,” he said with a frown.

“I know. I went to see Severus.”

Remus’ eyes widened and a small flicker of pain flashed through them. “I see.”

“I needed to know something, Remus. I needed to know what he meant by it all. I wanted to know whether he was sincere or if he was just trying to cause discord in our lives.”

“And?” he pressed.

“And I don’t think he even knows.” I sighed and reached out for his hand, which he gave me happily. “It was never a choice,” I said, repeating my previous words.

“Harry,” Remus whispered.

I smiled again, feeling tears prickle in my eyes again and this time I allowed a few to fall as I drew him up and fell into his warm embrace. “I’m sorry Remus, I just needed to understand a few things. I was lost and hurt, but it was never a choice. Not really.”

Remus ran his fingers into my hair and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I love you, Harry.”

“I love you too,” I said and lifted my face for a kiss.

This time the lips on mine were warm and the passion was so real it made my head spin. My hands latched onto his shoulders for support as he pressed me up against the wall and held me with such intensity, as though I’d disappear if he let me go for even an instant.

I felt much the same.

His arms were what I had been craving over the long weeks I’d shut him out of my life and I realised the mistake I’d made. But it was easy to remedy that.

Before I could think properly, Remus and I were lying in my flat, wrapped round each other in my bed. Remus never seemed more with me in that moment and I knew I was utterly with him. The moment couldn’t be described as perfect. Hell, was anything ever perfect? But Remus was as close to perfection as I could possibly get.

I no longer felt like a mistake, I no longer felt as though I was a choice. When Remus looked into my eyes as he slid inside of me and palmed my cheek, I knew that it was forever. Those words Draco had once spoken to me of eternity love and forevers finally rang true in my head.

I loved Remus and couldn’t be more content.

dbdbdb

After a bit of time just being, Remus and I agreed that we should take things as they were. Severus was there, we could both deal with that. Severus knew the truth and I knew he wasn’t a stupid man. I knew he wasn’t exactly a respectful man, but he was intelligent enough to know he’d lost.

A week after we tried to settle back into a routine, Severus announced that his lover was finally making an appearance and they’d be renting a flat near to the campus for the remainder of the term and longer depending on Severus’ work there.

I didn’t know what to think of it all, but I was happy for the distraction. Remus and I agreed to prepare a dinner for the couple after Severus went to pick up the mystery man and we decided to be good sports and make something that tasted good.

Enjoying the company of just Remus in the house, we made time for a quick go in the shower before Severus returned. Sated in many ways, I finished putting out the food as Remus took care of everything else.

I thought I would have been nervous about the moment but when the headlamps of Severus’ hire car flashed in the window, I was more relieved than anything. Severus finally had his, here, with him. Remus and I could finally break away from it all and just be us.

Reaching out for Remus’ hand, I pulled my lover in for a kiss. “I love you,” I murmured against his lips.

“Love you, Harry,” he whispered back.

I could feel the words more than I could hear them but they were just what I needed. I would never get tired of having them repeated back to me, never tire of knowing that my love was returned.

As Remus and I waited in the kitchen with the wine and the food, the front door opened and shut. I could hear the murmur of voices in the lounge though I couldn’t make out much more than a tone. There was a long pause and eventually Severus appeared in the doorway.

Then, surprising me to the point of speechlessness, Severus stepped aside and allowed his lover through. Draco Malfoy.

His grey eyes met mine and he looked as shocked to see me as I was to see him. “What?” he demanded of Severus. “He’s here?”

My hand fumbled for Remus’ as I backed into my lover’s arms. “Is this a joke?” I spat.

Draco’s shock turned into a smirk. “Is what a joke? That I’m enough man for your ex-lover?”

My eyes narrowed but before I could speak, Severus stepped in. “Harry, I believe you remember Draco.”

Remus’ grip on me tightened. “Draco Malfoy?”

I gave a feeble nod. “Yes.”

Draco looked up at Severus. “The company you’ve been keeping Severus, honestly.”

“Didn’t have much choice Draco,” Severus replied.

Remus released my arm and took a step forward. “I can’t believe you brought him here,” he hissed at Severus.

“Potter is the one who ought to be embarrassed,” Draco sneered. “He’s the one who nearly killed me.”

My face reddened but I didn’t make a move to defend myself. Draco spoke the truth. But that wasn’t the shocking thing. The fact that Severus had chosen Draco to be his lover, to be his one. Of all people… of all people in the world, Severus had chosen that one.

I had been their mistake and they found contentment with each other.

Before I could process the entirety of the situation, Remus had taken Severus and Draco into the other room and asked them to leave. Neither of them put up any sort of fight and before long, Remus had me sitting on the sofa, sipping on glass of wine to calm my nerves.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, Harry,” Remus whispered, kissing my face all over.

I shook my head. “It’s not that Remus. It’s just… of all people… of all people…”

“I understand,” Remus said, brushing my fringe away from my face. “I know.”

“I never expected life to be fair. I never expected Severus to love me or pine away for a love lost. Even when he started this whole nonsense with us, I knew it was fake. But this… I just don’t understand it.”

“Perhaps there is no real way to understand it,” Remus ventured. “Perhaps it just is what it is.” Remus let out a small breath, took my face in his hands and made me look at him. His fingers were warm and sent a wave of comfort rushing through me. “Does it matter, Harry? Does it matter whether Severus’ life is fair to you?”

I looked into his soft amber eyes and right then knew the truth. I loved him and all that mattered was him. All that existed to me right then was him. “No,” I whispered and meant it.

-The End-

This fic has been entered into the Third Annual .::Quills::. Harry Potter Fanfiction contest, found here.