Stop Smoking Dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and

appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second

chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out his weekend

and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give

up drugs forever.  I'll see you back in court Monday. "

Monday , the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first

one, "How did you do over the weekend?"  "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded

17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful.

What did you tell them?"          

"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this.....

O

o

... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs

and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? "

the judge asked the second guy.

" Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give  up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that ?"

" Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles)....

o

O

"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole

before prison ...."

*********************************************************

Dating Surprise.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the front door, 

the girl's father answers and invites him in.  "Carrie's not ready yet,

 so why don't you have a seat?," he says.  "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they plan to do?

Probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father  

responds "why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear all the kids

 are doing it." Naturally,this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby-so 

he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.  "Yeah," says Carries father, 

"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

 Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,andhis plan for the evening

 was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle 

skirt and announces that she's ready to go.  Almost breathless with 

anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.  About 20 

minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door

 behind her, and screams at her father:

          "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

**********************************************************************

Action Composers.

A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action

docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone,

Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The producers really

desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, so they were

prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would

portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love

to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite," said Van Damme, "I'll play

him."

The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. But, who do you want to

be, Arnold?". Arnold says -

      ....

      ....

 ....(Wait for it)......

      ....

      ....

      ....

 "I'll be Bach."

**********************************************************

Clinton's Dinner.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at

 the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get 

a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out 

to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced

 his concerns to his  chief of staff but was told that this was 

the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his 

fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the

 chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was

 supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the 

President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the

time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse 

himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing 

through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching 

his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was 

desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated

 that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally

 found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in,

 he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's 

office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and 

heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

**************************************************************