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This page was last Updated, 1/25/2003, Merry Christmas, and A Happy New Year. - see all of me - Subtitle: A Heart Song, In The Poetry of "Emotional Intimacy" Written by: "�" Mark D, [email protected], 2002. College Transfer Student of HCC, Clyde NC, 02 |
Emotional Intimacy Look into me, see all my follies, and removing the toxic shame. A Brief Introduction About This Book: This book is a sharing, and relating to anyone reading would make the choice in their own learning to have a compassionate love for theirself. Almost everyone wants to be in a truly loving relationship, however, to be in such a wonderful relationship it is often very rare, but there is always the possibility of being in such a relationship, and it begins by having a good loving relationship with "You"! That�s right, it is "You". - (R.L. & C.B & M.S. & L.H. & J.B.) To have this love for ourself, it begins with having a trully peaceful, gentle, understanding, forgiving, and compassionate loving relationship with our self, it is much like a mother giving her newborn baby very compassionate, tender, gentle love, as she holds the baby close, and she adores the baby, In this case, you are the one holding the baby, giving understanding with compassionate love to this baby and that baby is you. This is the learning to have a loving acceptence of our whole self, loving every part of ourself completely from our head to our toe, including all of our worts. This is a quest of loving ourself even when: we were babies, the times when we were toddlers, the times when we were teenagers, the times when we were young adults, well into the present time, it is all this loving everything about ourself, including this dark part of ourself that we feel ashamed of, even the parts about our self that we feel are wrong about our self, or feeling not good enough for others - this is the part where we need to give our self love to the most. - (L.H.) Now in this loving compassion to this dark part of our self, this is not give our self a license to be complete jerks to others, it is the work of having self respect, respect of others, along with begining to have creative self expression, and returning compassionate kindness to others as they reveal to us things about theirself that they have felt so ashamed of, or so scared about. Now, this work is not to let others walk all over us, to control us, or to change like we have allowed these things to happen so many times in the past, this is where we begin to stand up for ourself, stand up for the Helpless and the Innocent as need be. This is love of our self exactly as we are, as we become aware of more things about ourself to revealing such to our partner in total honesty, and when we begin to love ourself in such a gentle, and peaceful way with the consistant searching to better ourself in these things, as it would become an open the door for "Emotional Intimacy" with others close to us, as we become one in mind and spirit with the two being like hearted. Emotional Intimacy, is often thought of as being like fine gold, it is something that is so often very rare, very priceless, as it becomes something that we yearn for in relationships, yet, it is often something we are deeply afraid of, because it reveals every part of our self, in 100% total honesty allowing our partner to see every part of our self, including our anger, and the dark side of our self. Now, in our total honesty with others, letting go of everything we should be like trying to impress others, in this honesty letting our partner to see our faults, to see our weakness, along with letting our partner see our worts, and foibles can be very frightening to say the least, because we have been taught all to well this great internal message in self shame that "I Am Wrong", along with others thinking that "We Are Wrong". As we let go of trying to be so perfect, we begin exposing every part of our self to those close to us, it also often leaves us vulnerable for total abandonement, and, or total rejection, yet, in this total honesty with each other an opportunity for "Emotional Intimacy" could take place between them as this total honesty with each other can become the avenue of True Love with compassion to each other. True Intimacy, or total honesty in everything that we are is a creative wisdom that is seldom even heard of in relationships, or when it would be considered, there is this problem that everyone has inside, it is this "Toxic Shame", - this is the deep sense of: I Am Wrong, or I Am Not Good Enough, or "I Am To Do What Is Expected Of Me", because I was told "I am suppose to be this way", or "I am suppose to do things right". All those are the hidden messages of low self worth, - all these things of self shame, and low self worth, that we all carry inside, and it stands in the way being one with each other in mind and in spirit. In a nutshell: this book is a creative work of overcoming the Toxic Shame, a hurting inside with the loss of true self love - (the pain we all carry), it is also about the incredible Creative Wisdom Emotional Intimacy, and at the end of this book - (Chapter #6), I am sharing a Heart Song of my own relating with many that were Toxic Shamed growing up in life. Now many people are choosing a healthier path in a life of loving compassion to ourself, and compassionate love to other close to us. From the Author of this book: Many people look at psychology books and they read many different things in it saying, oh, so thats what's wrong with me. Later a person will study something else and say, oh, so this is what is wrong with me there too, and that is what's wrong with my family too. I am a college student majoring in psychology, and I am sharing with everyone what I have been studying for myself in my own innerhealing work over the last few years. - This book is a work of creativity from within and an honest sharing, along with relating to everyone who would read this book in a learning to have a loving compassionate love to our self, and compassionate love to others around us. A Parable A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologise to you." Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" Because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologised to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape and they shall reap the flowers by virtue of seeing the gift that is hidden in the cracks. (Author: Unknown) 03 |
Abstract: The purpose of this book is my own relating with many people as I share the incredible Creative Wisdom of Emotional Intimacy, along with becoming aware of a Toxic Shame that develops in most everyone walking the face of this Earth. This Toxic Shame inside us will often interfere with developing a healthy relationships for ourself as a result we create many unhealthy family dynamics. This is the Toxic Shame that almost all of us learn as children, and we ended up doing most things that are expected of us, or how we often end up expecting things of others. This purpose of this book is also to share in a little more awareness or understanding about how most people grow up in an unhealthy home, we learned from our caretakers to do things to be accepted, as we learned to take care of each other in our hurt, and feeling abandoned, or rejected. In this we began to do things in order to be accepted by our partners to, in these loving feelings we began to take care of each other, to do what our partner expected of us, how we entered into what seemed like very sweet loving relationships, yet, with these well learned unhealthy family dynamics we ended up recreating them into our own close relationship with a partner that we chose. Unfortunately in our close relationships we often end up getting our feelings hurt, and in our displaced anger we get very mean to each other as we try to change each other. This book is also written to share with others many ways that we can remove this Toxic Shame, - (It Is Not Us), and we begin to learn from our own decisions, or choices in life. This work is the learning to have compassion, and love for ourself. This becomes a life of our own with creativity, and we become a person of substance. We learn to do things that are not expected of us as we make our own choices of life. Creativity is often very rare, and because of this, it is often thought of as being "priceless". Sharing Just A Little About Me: About seven years ago, I began to learn about codependencey, I began to journal about my life, however, there was a problem, I was in-love - in psychology terms: I made a transference. While I was in-love, I wanted to do everything I could to take care of her, I wanted to make her happy, I wanted her to take care of me, I wanted her to do things for me, and I did not get what I wanted so I would get my feelings hurt a lot, I was often reacting as a victim I would get mean. After a couple years I was totally rejected, and my heart was broken. I was in a lot of pain, in my search for what the problem might be the problem, I began to study many books about human behavior, and the such, along with writing down notes from these books into my journals, learning a lot about myself, and learning about developing healthy relationships. A couple of years ago I began to attend college, and I have been intrigued many times with my professors, because they were confirming almost everything that I have studied, and that I wrote in my journals, so in this book there are many confirmation quoting's from my college professors. There are many of us that have been "Toxically Shamed", such as myself. This writing of "Emotional Intimacy", along with a "Heart Song" is my own relating to everyone that has been Toxically Shamed, and sharing in compassion to all those that are choosing to heal from out of this Toxic Shame. In my own creativity I have decided to take my own journals, and turning them into a type of poetry, - A Heart Song. So this book has also been written to help encourage the further Creative Enlightenment to everyone, and with Creative Love I have decided to share myself with those that choose to work on their self. In our sharing together we can choose to relate to each other, we can learn together and perhaps as we choose to make the choice in sharing of our growth without strings attached with it. Chapter One, of this book has been written to share with many friends that are choosing to work on their self, about the incredible wisdom of "Emotional Intimacy", but first I need to give credit to some good friends, and college professors. 04 |
Comments and Help From My friends: I wish to thank my close trusted friends, Niki, and Melanie for helping me in writing this Article, and I am also working on the fine tuning of this Article. From: [email protected] (Darksky Moon) Subject: Re: "See Me", see all of me. Mark, Thank you so much for sharing this with the group. Personally I believe that I can learn a lot by reading this, which I have done once already but plan to do many times over again for many days to come. I can understand your desire to fine- tune your writing, as I think everyone who writes wishes to do, but I hope that you don't change your style too much, as the way you write right now is so beautifully honest and simple in a way that touches the heart deeply. Well, I'm not very good at expressing myself sometimes, but I hope what I just said made some kind of sense :-) Thank you again for sharing your beautiful writing, I hope you continue to do so in the future! Happy holidays, take care & be safe! just me From: Stephen Date: Sun Dec 29, 2002 10:28 am Subject: Re: "See Me" Aho Brother Mark, The reflection of your Journey to the Divine you have expressed as truly Heart felt song. My compliments on a fine compilation. Me thinks our Sister Pam has conveyed the sentiments felt by most. We each can relate to a part, if not all, of the experiences your Soul has manifested in order to expand your awareness of Self. Is now the objective to reflect, in the art of your prose, the Radiant Glory of your Being? I shall anticipate, with joy, all your endeavors. I Am your little brother Stephen From: Rich Hitz ...... Mark, I just wanted to thank you for sharing with all of us, I appreciate the openness and vulnerability you were willing to put forth. I liked some of what you had to say, but didn't agree with a lot of it. But that is my opinion, and I am not writing this to you to try to change your mind or change your style of writing. I look forward to seeing more posts from you in the future. Rich From: "Revpam" Date: Sun Dec 29, 2002 9:18 am Subject: "See Me" Mark, Mark, Mark, Not sure what to say or where to start, so I may start to say and stop....not sure at the moment. Myself, I took the time to read your writings on your web site last night, and it's a good thing to "share" of yourself. Especially to a list family such as this, however, please know that if it is honor, respect, understanding and continued positive interaction that you seek, you WILL receive it from this family. A few comments....The "title" is awesome. "See Me".....I love it. At first I didn't like the continued reference to "toxic shame", but then I got to thinking, yes, that IS one way of describing some of the lessons we've had to overcome along this evolutionary journey of our souls. And I say "we" as you have not been alone on this journey.... I really need to reread this writing as it was late last night when I was staring into the computer screen. I remember thinking about the beginning of the article (which I now realize was in journal type form) that gosh, Mark is looking for "outside himself" love, understanding, compassion, etc. But if I remember right toward the end you began to realize that it IS within you that all love, compassion, understanding, intimacy, and so forth, must begin. I believe that is the awesome awakening you have gained from your experiences. This is THE awesome awakening we've all began to experience. It's not so much about BEing able to BE your complete self with another, it's about BEing able to BE with your own self. Integrating all aspects of your BEing, and experiences, and acknowledging to your own self that yes, this IS Who I Really Am. I got the feeling in the beginning that you were withholding and denying your own self with tons of unacceptance. But toward the end I realized that you have realized that you may have been "denying" and "withholding" to your own self. You cannot receive love or give love to another until you learn to unconditionally love your own self (acceptance of ALL who you are, which includes the "good" stuff and the "not so good stuff"...) You cannot have an "intimate" relationship with anyone outside yourself until you learn to have an "intimate" relationship with your own self. You are not a victim, you are a soul experiencing all emotional expressions, and that IS how it IS. The only way you can "stand up" for the helpless and innocent, is to continue to learn and grow as you are through the integration of the experiences you have had. There is no such thing as a victim, when you realize that we all have "chosen" our "life dramas" in order to bring us back full circle to the ONE with which we ARE. There is no such thing as "helpless", "innocent" "not innocent", "victim", these are illusions of unconsciousness we have chosen to experience for our own soul growth and evolution. And tuff it is at times. but the tougher it is, the stronger we grow. Thank you for sharing your writings, and more importantly for sharing that aspect of YOU, that is YOU.....awesome.... To each one I hold a candle and offer it to you already aflame. Revpam 05 |
A Breif Summary of Each Chapter: Chapter #1: Emotional Intimacy, and Identifying The Toxic Shame: This chapter is a breif introduction about the Incredible Creative Wisdom of Emotional Intimacy, it is also about the Toxic Shame that hold us back from being Trully Intimate in mind and spirit with our partner. Chapter #2: In this chapter, an intense, yet, very compassionate look at our self of what happened when we were children growing up, and to help us take a closer look where the roots of this Toxic Shame, and where it came from, as it holds us back from being trully Intimate with our partner. We were born with a great sence of "I Am", however, in our total dependence on others, we beleived many things that were told about us that were not really true about us, as children we were very impressionable, with many words of shame were often being placed into our innermost thoughts about ourself, and becoming adults how we carried all this self shame into our relationships. Chapter #3: Looking A Little Deeper Into Our self: This chapter is a work of indentifying many things about ourself. Almost everyone gets attracted to a certain person that we begin to like, we begin to have feelings for each other, as the romantic love begins to take form, the fantasy of living with this dream mate, being close and intimate with the person we are in-love with begins, however, for many unknown reasons to us, our relationships often grew sour. - (R.L.) In time as our relationships progressed we would get our feelings hurt a lot, often getting very mean, and angry with each other whenever we did not get what we wanted from each other. So in this study of our self, it becomes a work of compassionate love to ourself as we become trully Intimate with our self and the become Emotionally Intimate with those that we chose to Emotionally Intimate with. Chapter #4: Removing The Toxic Shame: In this chapter, a breif excersize in helping to remove the toxic shame that almost everyone carries into relationships, and in this excersize we begin to make our own choices in life, bringing the power of making our own decisions back to ourself where it belongs. Chapter #5: Learning From Our Own Choices, And Making Our Changes Within For Our self: This is a work establishing our own empowerment, and a working of compassionate love to ourself. Chapter #6: A Heart Song, of "Into Me See". Most of this chapter is my own personal work in relating to many a learning of compassionate love to myself, and in this is a sharing of my own Heart Song, - I have saved the best of my work til last. 06 |
Pre- Work Cited Entry, When a person reads this Article, or Book. There are many confirmations of my own journals, so in this book there are many references, or quotations contained in this book, and I have put the Cited Entries in a type of code: - (R.L. is Richard Lance, Psychologist) - (C.B. is Chuck Blackburn, Instructor Of Public Speaking, & Psychology) - (M.S. is Margret Studenc, Instructor of English) - (J.B. is Dr. John Bradshaw, Author & Counselor In Family Relationships) - (L.H. is Louise Haye, Author & Counselor In Family Relationships) Further reference to this Work Cited Entry is located at the end of the Book. 07 |
Comments From My College Professors: My college professor's have often said to the classes: A good writer is always learning, and improving upon his work. A good poem has a lot of deep truth's, and a special meaning is in each verse, and many reader's often get something new, or something special all to their self every time they read it. A Little Sharing from the Author of this book: A Poet or a writer is much like an artist working with a simple glob of wet clay, molding it into a figure with the gentle pressure of his hands. This simple glob of clay was once thought to be something useless, and to be thrown away, however, now it is an incredible artistic sculpture for many to admire. This creative work is for our self and sharing in compassion to others. Every Author has his or her own style of writing stories, and poems, some choose to be short in their stories or poetry, some writers choose to be lengthy in their creative work, it is simply the choice of the writer within his or her own creative self expression. Click one of these links below, to see my most Updated Version of this Poetry: "See Me" http://members.tripod.com/~independent_writings/Article-See_Me.html 8a |
- "See Me", - - see all of me - Subtitle: "A Heart Song, In The Poetry Of "Emotional Intimacy" Chapter #1, Emotional Intimacy, and Identifying The Toxic Shame: Restating A Few Things From The Introduction: Almost everyone wants to be in a truly loving relationship, however, to be in such a wonderful relationship it is often very rare, but there is always the possibility of being in such a relationship, and it begins by having a good loving relationship with "You"! That�s right, it is "You". (R.L. & C.B & L.H. & J.B.) (I will be addressing this Compassionate Love that we can learn to have for our self throughout this book.) Almost everyone grows up having a dream of being loved in such a peaceful relationship, we want to be loved in our family relationships, and we want to be cared for by our families as well. -(L.H.) So in close relationships, we begin having feelings for each other we often end up putting our best foot forward it makes us feel so good inside about our partner, we begin to obsess about our partner, we end up doing everything we should do for our partner, to take care of our partner constantly working to make him or her happy, - (R.L.) I call these feelings for each other, "Our Illusion Of Love". - (M.D.) In the beginning of most relationships things seemed to be so sweet, however, we are un-aware of the seemingly silent volcano inside ourself that is waiting to errupt, and the relationship becomes a distructive relationship. Having these feelings for each other we have forgotten about the needs for our self, feeling empty inside, feeling the void inside, needing to be loved we begin to expect things of our partner and when we don't get the love we want from each other, we will get our feelings hurt, we will often reacte in our selfishness along with our displaced anger so often becoming mean to each other, we will often have very bitter in our words with each other, and in the end we will add to the problems, or issues in our family relationships. - (L.H.) There are times when we are told by needful selfish people, "you are being very selfish, you care for no one but ourself, so we are suppose to suppress how we feel about things, and in return we are suppose to conform to the ideas of others, so we can take care of others in their need". Sometimes in our own need for love, we work very hard trying to get others to satisfy our emotional emptyness, we are feeling hurt inside, we feel angry becuase we feel un-loved, we feel un-accepted, and we look for others to stop being so selfish and they need to start taking care of my needs, even for others take care of my emotional needs, So in our own selfish needs, we are hurting inside as we begin trying to get what we want from others thinking they should love us, all this of what we think is love, - all these things that we all carry inside, and it stands in the way being one with each other in mind and in spirit. In relating to everyone in these problems, nearly everyone grows up in life doing what is expected of them, or we are so often trying to be something that we are not, or we are trying to do what is expected of us, or we are expecting many things of each other, or with many family members working to try changing or to control each other. - (R.L. & J.B.) If a person were to hold us down so where we could not move a single muscle, What has he taken away from us? The answer, - Our Illusion Of Control. - (Author Unknown). In compassion to everyone, we grew up being very dependent for our needs to be met, - (R.L.) along with being in the need for love and acceptance. - (L.H.) Unfortunately we also grew up learning a deep sence of self wrong, or sence self shame. Learning a low self esteem in this sence of being wrong, or self shame, we begin to feel a void, or feel an emptyness in our heart. - (L.H. & J.B.) As we grew up no one was there to guide us, nor teach us to give compassionate love to ourself, - (L.H. & J.B.) and in our need for love, we end up looking for love from others, - in our search we are looking for love in all the wrong places. - (L.H.) It is sad to report that most families in end up in divorce, - (R.L. & J.B. & L.H.) they are seldom ever Emotionally Intimate with each other, nor have they become one in mind and spirit, nor have they become compassionate to theirself, nor to anyone else, nor are they accepting theirself, nor are they accepting each other exactly as they are. - (L.H.) Emotional Intimacy, is often thought of as being like Fine Gold, because something that is often very rare, being like Diamonds it becomes very priceless, it is also something that we yearn for in relationships, yet, it is often something we are deeply afraid of, because it reveals every part of our self, in 100% total honesty allowing our partner to see every part of our self, including our anger, and the dark side of our self. Now, in our total honesty with others, or perhaps letting our partner to see our faults, to see our weakness, along with letting our partner see our worts, and foibles can be very frightening to say the least, it also often leaves us vulnerable for total abandonement, and, or total rejection, yet, in this total honesty with each other an opportunity of Emotional Intimacy could take place between them as this total honesty with each other can become the avenue of True Love with compassion to each other. True Intimacy, or total honesty in everything that we are is a creative wisdom that is seldom even heard of in relationships, or when it would be considered, there is this problem that everyone has inside, it is this "Toxic Shame" that we all carry, and it stands in the way being one with each other in mind and in spirit. Identifying This Toxic Shame: Toxic Shame, is the "Emotional Baggage" that we have carried with us from one relationship into another relationship, - it is so often the deep sense of "I am wrong", or "feeling that "I am not good enough" to be loved, or "to be accepted", or we get triggered by accusations, or even criticism, as it all holds us back, and being stuck in total shame. - (L.H.) This "Toxic Shame", - the "Emotional Baggage" had an origin in our life, and very often it came from the fears we learned as a child, it came from the ways that we were shamed, or abused in many forms. - (J.B & L.H.) This Toxic Shame, is one of the most traumatic, very unfortunate things that we have encountered in life, and so often it becomes a big problem interfering into our relationships, it leaves us with the feeling of being alone, with a sense of lost love having a huge void inside, or having the feeling of emptyness inside often being in the need of love, and acceptance from others. - (L.H.) This Toxic Shame, and where it came from: The problems of the "Toxic Shame" usually started at a very early age, so it is a good idea to look at our self by going back in time. This Toxic Shame, the feeling I am wrong, or I am not good enough, it usually starts at a very early age of our life, and we were often left alone in the shame with no one to help guide us with our healing inside. - (J.B. & L.H.) Growing up we were Toxic-ly Shamed within a lot of abuse, and in the family dynamics we ended up assuming a role pattern in our struggle for survival. - (J.B) Now when we became an adult carrying this "Toxic Shame" with us, we became attracted to someone of whom we felt was very special. We made the choice to enter into a seemingly very sweet relationship, however, for many unknown reasons to us (at that time) everything went sour in the relationship, and a divorce becomes immanent. Now, this reality in our life, is not to blame anyone, however, it is just to become aware of the many challenges to overcome in our life, and in our relationships. - (L.H.) - Just to be aware (in this "Toxic Shame"), there is no sense of individuality, there is no creativity in it, there is no self respect, and, or respect of others. When we are babies born into this world, we are the Seed of a Rose. we are the essence of "I Am", however, there was a big problem that we faced almost everyday, we grew up in a cruel and very mean world. - (I chose to write this in "present tense", because in "The Now", in "The Present" we are the baby, we are the child, we are the teenager, we are the adult, we are the Essence of "I Am". If we dwell in the past for all the things that went wrong in our life, we will miss out on what is happening right now, and we certainly won't be prepared for what would happen in the future. This "Toxic Shame", and the severe abuse will also hold us in obsessing about the things happened many years ago, as it becomes a vicious cylce. - (J.B. & L.H.) I have also found that "To Be" is that which we search so hard for, however, the more we search for it, the more it seems to elude us so many times, it is here, it just needs "To Be" manifest into "The Now", "The Present", we just "Be". When we ask the "Great I Am", - Our Higher Power, for this wisdom it will come to us, Wisdom is given freely to all who ask, and that is also part of the reason why I am writing this book.) This creativity from within is an honest sharing, and a relating to everyone who would read this book in a learning to have a loving compassionate love to their self, and compassionate love to others around us. The next two chapters in this book identifies unhealthy relationship patterns that we create for our self, we learn about the Toxic Shame that hold us back from being trully Emotionally Intimate with our partner, and through all of this study of our self we learn to have loving compassion to our self, and this compassion to others. 8b |
Chapter #2, A Child In An Unhealthy Home: In this chapter, an intense, yet, a very compassionate look at our self of what happened when we were children growing up, and to help us take a closer look at this Toxic Shame, and where it came from, as it holds us back from being trully Intimate with our partner. We were born with a great sence of "I Am", however, in our total dependence on others, we beleived many things that were told about us that were not really true about us, as children we were very impressionable, with many words of shame were often being placed into our innermost thoughts about ourself, and becoming adults how we carried all this self shame into our relationships. A Baby Is Born: A Great Sense of "I Am", And A Total Dependence Upon Momma In Many Things.
This baby is born into this world with a great sence of "I Am", with momma and daddy begining to lay their eyes upon this new born baby with a great sense of hope and adoration as though they are falling in-love with this new born baby.
Soon this toddler is wondering about with great curiosity, exploring many discovering new things around him, and he is beginning to talk now, remembering many things too. This toddler begins to say, Daddy, Daddy, Momma and Daddy look on with a great smile encouraging this child, and looking for more creative words spoken by this toddler. This toddler, I see many shiny things around me, I like these shinny little things. Mine you can't have it. I will hide it. Momma and Daddy are exhausted having to look out for this toddler and they are on edge saying to this toddler, "No" you should not do that, No! Put that back now! As this toddler wonders, Why are momma and daddy hurting me now? I was funny to my momma daddy before? They used to laugh at me. (Reference: A child learning a good sense of "I Am", and self discovery, and a child learning to do everything the parents think it should do. A self study work prompted by the book; -(J. B. & L.H.) (R. L. & J. B.) Momma and daddy are thinking, Our son is learning to talk really well now, He is so funny and, the things he says is so cute, and he is so honest. This toddler is learning to walk now, with Momma, and Daddy encouraging to walk all the more in their own excitement. This toddler quickly learns to talk to momma and daddy the way they talk to him. This toddler is learning, I can say "No" too. Hmm, I like "no", "no". No! This toddler wonders about getting into more things, and trouble is often waiting at each corner.) Toddler picks up a shiny thing again. Momma daddy says, Son put that back now! This toddler says, "No" Momma & daddy say; Son you don't say no to me! You will do as I tell you, you will do as I ask! This toddler wonders, I am not ok telling momma "no", why is she hurting me now? The toddler goes back to his room wanting to play with things and makes a mess. Momma and Daddy, Son bad, you are a bad boy now. And you know why you are bad, I should not have to tell you about this again! Son you should pick up after yourself, when you play with your toys you should pick them up! Now go them up now!. This toddler, It hurt me, I hurt, my eyes are wet, I am sad. This toddler picks up his mess, as the days go by, the toddler continues to make messes. Moma And Daddy Are Fighting Each Other, And This Toddler Is Targeted With Their Displaced Anger As Well
Momma and daddy continues trying to teach this toddler, what he should do, and should not do. The parents are getting tired, and they are very angry inside as well.
This Toddler gets angry and pitches a fit. No!
Momma & daddy say, Son don't you, tell me No and get angry with me! I will teach you who is boss around here! Momma you have a rebellious son here! I will nip this rebellion in the bud, as they grab the toddler beginning to spank him.
In anger the parents say, Son don't you get angry with me! Now go to your room! The parents often begin to slap their toddler for many things it should not do, as they think there is no excuse for such behavior from this child. This Toddler, son you will do as I tell you to do, and you will never, say No to me again! The parents often say; You are a very bad boy now, and don't come out of your room until you can be a nice boy! I really don't have time for this! I have to live with your dad creating problems for me! I have to take care of you! I have to watch you all the time! You are the reason why your dad and I got a divorce! So this little boy goes to his room hurting, crying, and wondering in total shame. This toddler in tears, Why are my mommy and daddy so mean to me now? (As no one is there to love and hold the little boy, when he needs love more than ever now.) This child's self talk goes like this; But no one is here for me, I am so alone. As the child looks around, even the walls of my room are mean to me now. I am bad it is all my fault for my momma and daddy's divorce. (Feeling abanedoned, and rejected by his parents this toddler wants to please his parents so they will get back together.) This child often cries himself to sleep, it just needs a hug. As this child awakens, soon his self talk goes like this: This Child, I am so alone now, I am so bad now. I am so wrong now. Why am I so bad? I should be better now. This child now in tears, For you momma and daddy I will be nice. For you momma and daddy, I wont get into trouble anymore. Momma, Daddy, I will make you happy with me now? I am bad, and mom ma, daddy if you are happy I will ok then? (Momma and daddy are very angry children inside, more and more their toddler become targets of their displaced anger. As time goes by the child begins to lose himself more and more to his parents. The child learns a deep sense of wrong inside, this low self esteem, and toxic shame that is carried well into to his adult years. - (J. B. & L.H.) After continuously being told this toddler is wrong, soon the child begins to feel, There is nothing I can do to make my momma and daddy happy. Everything I do is wrong. I am wrong, I am always wrong. This child wonders about looking to have fun, and play. This child's momma, or daddy called for him to come, and so often this child, ignores or does not hear what is being said to this child. Soon this child's parents get angry with this child for not listening when being called to come here. This child parents grab this child's arm very tightly often jerking, or draging this child to another place, and it hurts this child. This childs parents say, You come when I call you! Do you hear me! You will do as I ask you, when I talk to you! Do you hear me! You sit right here and don't you move! I will be watching you, and if I see you get out of that seat, you will get a wipping. This child is scared saying, yes I will come, ,and I will sit here now. Soon out of fear for being punished for doing wrong, this child learns to do as it should not for momma, and daddy. This child leaves messes all over the house, and this child's parents see the mess, and in anger say to this child. You pick up this mess right now! There is no excuse for this mess! No excuse at all for your behaviour! You should know better than this! Now pick up this mess right now! You should know by now what I expect of you! This Child, walks about crying in tears, as he picks up the mess, being so scared he is not thinking as he puts things in the wrong place. Parents, No! That does not go there, now think about what you are doing, and put things back in the right place, Do You Hear me! This Child, yes. Parent's what did you say, I can't hear you when you mumble, now tell me again, Do You Hear Me! This Child, Yes I Hear You. Parents, Good, now pick up your mess, and I better not ever see you make a mess again! This child's parents decide to teach him responsibility by making him line up in military style training, go through army drills, and being yelled at directly in the ear til things are set according to army training drills. This child, that hurts me, yelling so loud it rings in my ear. This child gets wipped once everyday to remind him who his boss is. Now got to your rooms, clean them up I will inspect them, if I find one thing out of place I will wip you again! You really don't want that! This child going to his room, hurting, crying, feeling so alone. This child, I wish my momma, and daddy would get back together so I won't have to live with this man, he is mean to us, he is mean to mommy too, I want him to go away. In total fear for getting another wiping, and crying this child cleans up his room hoping that man will be happy, and he might be ok then? (This was a military style home, and the abuse continues for many years to come.) This child was hurting so he often went to his older brothers for acceptance, but they were mean to him as well. Left with no one to turn to this toddler often stayed in his room playing, it was safer there, no one would be mean to him there. This child, I will hit me when I am bad, or when I am wrong, and if anyone is mean to me I will hit them. So he hits his friends at times, when he feels they are wrong or bad. (Being very mean to others, much in the same way he was treated by his parents, a learned behavior.) This Child's Parents, say you are sorry to your friends now, say you are sorry to your sister, and your brother now! Go tell them you are sorry for being mean, and you will do things for them because you were being so mean to them! This child, I am sorry. Parents say, No thats not good enough now, say it like you really mean it, say you are really sorry now, say it, or you will get another wipping! This child, now nearly crying in shame, and fear, I am sorry. Parents, now that is better, now go to your room, think about what you did so wrong and don't come back out til you can tell me what you did so wrong. (This child learns many fears as a result of many types of abuse, and toxic shaming. This toddler's parents could take responsibility for how he, or she feels, and expressing it in positive, and creative ways to the child, it would help to awaken the creativity in the child. -(J.B. & L.H.) )
I was watching a man working in a restuarant, and he heard a dad jumping all over a 4 year old toddler trying to control the toddler.
In a Reference Summary:
This teenager's mom and dad are still mean to him, as he is still so often being accused of many things that he did not do, this teenager reacts in self justification, many excuses for not doing things, desperate attempts to defend himself to his parents, but still they are all futile attempts. The parents still have not learned to accept theirself at that age, nor are they accepting the teenager at that age, nor are they accepting of the teenager's freinds, these are the only friends that are accepting the teenager, and the parents are still trying to control the teenager. This teenager, everything I do for my is my momma, and daddy is wrong, I can't seem to do anything right for them anymore, I try so hard and nothing works. This teenager, my parents are so often telling me what to, and what not to do, and I want to get away from them. This teenager, my parents make me so angry, and my friends make me angry too. This teenager, my parents do not accept me at all, they do not accept my friends either, they tell me how stupid my friends are, they tell me I can find better friends than these, but these are the only friends that seem to accept, or like me. This teenager, I feel so lonely, I cant be without my friends, and I cant be without these friends that I love. This teenager, I want my friends to like me, and I will do anything for them to like me. I want my friends to care about me, and I will do what they want me to do. This teenager, I met someone who seems so sweet to me, I think I am beginning to fall in-love, what if I do something wrong for my love, I will whatever it takes for my love to love me. This teenager, I have really worked hard today for my friends, I want them to be happy too, but I am tired now, so I will go home and rest for a while. My parents are telling me that I am so lazy, they tell me that they will punish me, and make it important for me to remember things they tell me to do. This teenager, mom and dad, you are always trying to tell me what to do, and I can't do anything right for you! This teenager's parents, well if you will do what I tell you we won't have these problems, and I won't have to tell you what to do either. This teenager, I will get out on my own, and I won't have to listen to my parents telling me what to do all the time, and I won't have to listen to them jumping all over me when I make mistakes. This teenager, my friends are making fun of me, they are calling me names too, and it hurts, I don't have to listen to this anymore from my friends, I will fight if I have to. This teenager, they keep making fun of me, I will hit them, I will make their world a living hell, they have no right to call me names, the things they do are so stupid, and if something bad happens to them I will just laugh at them, because they deserve what is coming to them being so hateful, I hate them. In Breif Summary: The adults are treating the teenager very mean, and when the teenager does not get what he wants from his friends, he gets very mean trying to change his friends, in return the teenager does the very thing to his friends, that his parents are doing to him when they are trying to change or control him. The Young Adult: This adult, everytime I talk to my parents, and my family they keep jumping on me, they are still telling me that I am doing so many things wrong, this is making me depressed, I don't want to hear it anymore, I am feeling so alone, I don't like being alone, I feel I should not feel this way, but I do, and I can't let anyone else know about how I feel. This adult, I see so many pretty women, I like what I see, and I want a woman to make me happy to take care of my needs. This adult, I will do everything I can do to make her happy with me, I will take care of her too, and I will do everything be the man for her. These two adult partners had many sweet loving feelings toward each other, and in this we also tried to take care of each other, yet so often we were hiding this dark part of our self in the fear of being abandoned, or being rejected. - (J.B.) (It is these feelings that are the dream, attached with many that we want from each other, with these feelings I wanted to take care of her, do everything to make her happy, she wanted to make me happy too, and these feelings being so sweet, yet, so often the feelings become the very thing that also destroys a relationship. - (J.B. & L.H.) 8c |
Chapter #2, Two Adults In A Distructive Relationship: In this chapter, an intense, yet, a very compassionate look at our self of what happened when we were children growing up, and to help us take a closer look at this Toxic Shame, and where it came from, as it holds us back from being trully Intimate with our partner. We were born with a great sence of "I Am", however, in our total dependence on others, we beleived many things that were told about us that were not really true about us, as children we were very impressionable, with many words of shame were often being placed into our innermost thoughts about ourself, and becoming adults how we carried all this self shame into our relationships. Entering Into The Relationship: Things progressed, and when we first entered into relationships things seemed to be very sweet, we had intense feelings for each other, we cared very deeply for each other and in the fear of rejection we entered into relationships putting our best foot forward, everything was so sweet while we were hiding this dark side of our self, in all this hiding we were not truly honest with our self, nor with our partner. - (R.L.) One day we wake up to reality and wonder to our self, what have I chosen for myself, this stranger is very mean, and this stranger beside me is certainly not same sweet loving person that I fell in-love with. Becoming An Adult:
They begin relax, and all the negative things about each mate begin to show their ugly face. Things are not so peaceful as it seemed to be: those seemingly cute things about each other get old, slowly hurt and anger replace those fantasy romantic love emotions, and then reality sets in. What was once very sweet romantic plateau, and now it is a battleground. They are often fighting each other now, and they are crossing swords with each other. Each is mate trying to change the other, often it is the woman that loses, as she tries so hard to please her man, but nothing pleases him. Sometimes the woman is the dominate one, and the man ends up losing himself to her, as he becomes the victim/scapegoat, and she becomes the persecutor, hero, healer, caretaker. /Dr. Helen Andrews, Dr John Bradshaw.)
He was once so responsible and he made me happy, but what went wrong? Why does he not take responsibility and make me happy now? Why is he so mean now? So many things that he does, and so many things he says to me are so mean, and he hurts me a lot as well. We used to be so happy together and now we are fighting. He has been coming home later and later after work, and he won't spend time with me anymore. When he does come home he says he is too tired to do anything, or spend anytime with me.
The things that she does are so stupid, she does not take care of things around the house like momma did, and she does not take care of me like momma did. She should do the right things for me without me having to tell her. Why can't she use her head, and think when she does things. Why do I always have to take care of her. She says, I don't do things to make her happy anymore, nor do I do things to help her, and take care of her like I used to, so she won't hug me anymore.
The hurt continues to deepen as they strike out
at each other, as each mate gets to be the target
a lot of displaced anger.
Even if we are seperated, he should still come see his children, and help baby sit his children, instead of running around dating, and flirting all these other women all the time. He should get some help, and become a lot more responsible. I tell him these things when he comes aound at times, but he never listens to me.
Everytime I come to see the children, she knags me about spending time with the children, and I really don't want to listen to her run her mouth on me. She is constantly telling me what I should do with them even when I do take them for a while. She is all the time complaining about so many things I should do. Besides she is a woman she should be the one taking care of the children that is her job. I have to yell at her to get her to listen to me.
If he does not do more to help me with the children he wont see the children at all. He thinks that he is going to get the children in this divorce, but he has another thought coming.
If he keeps yelling at me, he won't see the children it all.
With the many unresolved issues coupled with the pains of: feeling alone, perhaps feeling rejected, or perhaps feeling abanedoned.
Many times after a divorce the mates find another
mate to take care of, with all the unresolved issues get dumped into the next relationship and often times it is worse than before. Until these issues are dealt with this same pattern will develop again in the next relationships only most of the time it will so often be worse than before.
Often times a person has no partner to run to, and they choose to live alone, however, so often this person is still stuck in blame of theirself, or stuck in blame of their lost partner for the problems in their marriage. So often this person does not know to work on any issues. They often end up being controlled by their parents as well in this time of living alone.
Often when children are involved, as the parents would try to make the children something like their self. The children learn this type of behavior of trying to make others something like their self as well. The children are often used as pawns in the struggle of power, as they are the victims of the divorce.
My momma, and daddy are fighting all the time, and I just want to hide in my room. I can hear them yelling at each other through my bedroom walls, and it all scares me.
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Chapter #3, Looking A Little Deeper Into Our Self, And Identifying Many Things About Our Self: Almost everyone gets attracted to a certain person that we begin to like, or that we think this person is so cute, or that looks so good, and many times we grow up having a dream of what our partner would be like. Many of us meet a special person begin to have feelings for each other, so the fantasy of romantic love begins, the fantasy of living with this dream mate, being close and intimate with the person we are in-love with begins, however, for many unknown reasons to us, our relationships often grew sour. - (R.L.) The problem was that well before we entered into the relationship we carrying a lot of emotional baggage, wanting our partner to take care of us, and the such, so the relationship was doomed from the start. In time as our relationships progressed we would get our feelings hurt a lot, often getting very mean, and angry with each other whenever we did not get what we wanted from each other. In all this we ended up creating a big mess, yet, so often it is because of our well learned dependence upon others since early childhood. - (R.L.) So in this study of our self, it becomes a work of compassionate love to ourself as we become trully Intimate with our self and the become Emotionally Intimate with those that we chose to Emotionally Intimate with. Identifying The Darkside: Many of us that encounter a new relationship we end up being very nice holding back a part of ourself that is often, very criticle, and very mean. This dark side is the part of our self that we are often ashamed of, so we have worked very hard to hide this angry part of our self from others as we have learned to work very hard in being nice, or perhaps try to cover it up in our effort to be perfect, and complete, - (R.L.). In the end we have created many unhealthy relationships for our self. Many times in self shame we often work very hard to hide this dark part of our self, because we feel that we would be rejected. - (R.L.) The Role Patterns We Chose: Below is a brief look at the role patterns we learn in order to survive in unhealthy homes growing up as children, and bringing those roles patterns into more unhealthy relationships as an adult. Identifying The Hero Role: Many children growing up in families survive in a role of being the hero, or the rescuer often does everything he or she should do, often steping in to help take the pain, or the punishment given to the victims in abusive homes. In our faulse sence esteem, we are needing to take care, or rescue someone, or to help heal someone so we can feel good about ourself, in this we often become attracted to victims in relationships, taking this role of being the rescuer into our close relationships, in this we recreate the same unhealthy pattern that we grew up in. Identifying The Victim Role: The victim often grows up in abusive homes, often having a low self esteem, ends getting hurt a lot, and the hero steps in to help us out of our problems, we begin to think of this as being love, and when we become adults we become attracted to the hero because our hero helps us so much when we are hurt, or when we need help. We grew up often feeling helpless in many things, as we ask our rescuer to come for us, and to help us. Identifying The Scapegoat Role: The scapegoat often grows up being abused in homes, so often when our abuser accused us of things we became defensive, thus empowering this abuser even more, we often get confused inside thinking this is love, and when we grow up on an internal level we often become attracted to those that are abusive. Identifying The Mascott Role: The mascott in the family was the person that everyone looked out for, was taken care of, nothing this person did was ever seen as being wrong, as he or she would get by with murdering someone, and still this person could never do any wrong. Identifying The Narcissist Role: This person often with a low self esteem, (a deep sence of being wrong), is the one that has the constant need of praise and admiration, to help fill the emptyness, or void, as he or she brags on the great accomplishments that they have acheived in life. Identifying The Ego We All Carry: One of the underlying problems in our relationships is the ego, or known as the I/D. Our ego works with our emotions, thoughts, and feelings in our effort to control others. - (R.L) When don't get what we want from each other, or we react to our partner when dont get what we are expecting of each other, we react to our partner as we get our feelings hurt, we get angry, we critisize each other, we often get mean thinking, or perhaps telling our partner is very selfish, but think about this for a moment, look in the mirror on this, or look on the outside of this for a moment: Who is the person wanting something? - It is our self. Who is the one getting his or her feelings hurt, or becoming angry about it all, and bitting the partner's head off when we don't get what we want? - It is our self. - So in reality, we are the one that is being selfish, in this is often our own suttle effort of trying to minipulate, or try to control our partner, or try to change our partner into something that we want them to be, or thinking that our partner should to be something for us, or into something that we think our partner should be like, or into the image, or dream of what our partner should be like. We often end up doing those things when our partner is not giving us things that we want from him, or her, - again this is the ego, the I/D that works with our thoughts, feelings, along with our emotions, yet, most times it is all in our effort to change or to control others -(R.L.) A Story, Many of us have dogs, and most of us can relate to this story. A dog can be very sick, and not feeling good at all. When the dog's master comes home the dog begins waging it tail, as though the dog is doing what it master expects it to do. - (R.L.) Identifying Our Loss Of Self: When we grew up in unhealthy homes we lost our self to others, we began doing what is expected of us in order to be accepted. So we began to have a huge void, a hole in our heart and soul, this is our need to be loved, to be accepted, so in our need for love and accepted we learned many unhealthy things, carrying a lot of unhealthy things into relationships. Intimacy is not trying to change our self for the other, nor trying to change the our partner into something for our self, nor to control our partner, nor to do what is expected of each other, nor trying to get our partner to agree with us, nor in the work for our partner to accept us. - (R.L.) In our toxic shame we often think of our self as: Oh I am too ugly, or I am to fat, or I am looking stupid, or I am not being good enough, or I am always being wrong, or what if I say something wrong, or if I say something stupid, or what if I say something that my partner does not like, and in fear of all this we think to our self, I would be rejected, or abandoned. So we put on this faulse image of our self, in hopes that we will not be rejected. - (R.L. & C.B) We wonder inside, how would this person think of me if they see things about me they don't like about me? Identifying Our Need For love, And Acceptance: Many of us do things to be loved, and to be accepted, and when we are not loved, or not accepted, and we will often get hurt, or angry about it all. We were looking for love in all the wrong places, the love and acceptance needs to come from the compassionate love to ourself. At that point we will give our love selflessly, so when we are not accepted, we will see that people often do not accept theirself, and we will have compassion with those people. Identifying Few Ways We Do Not Accept Our Self, and Our Family Members: There are many ways that we do not accept our self, this section below a first look at the ways that we do not accept our self is found in the way that we treat others close to us, when we think this person has done something in their life to theirself that we do not approve of. I have a 16 year old friend named Jan, she lives in a single parent home, she says that she likes boys, she says that she can not live without boys, she does not like it if someone calls her names, she has decided to quit school, and go to an adult school to get her GED or Diploma. Jan complain's of her mother not accepting her, nor her choices for herself in life. Helen has complained many times that a close friend of her's named Liz is not accepting, nor supporting her, in fact Liz has often been coming against Helen in her choice of quiting her job, and moving to another state, plus getting a job in that state. Liz has also been jumping on Helen for many other personal things as well. Jan's mother, "Helen" has also spoken of doing things in her wild young adult days like going to bars, and partying with the guys in her early adult years, saying it was very bad of her to do that. Now, Liz has been jumping on Helen is doing the same thing of jumping on her duaghter Jan. Until Helen accepts her own actions in her own young adult years, she will never accept her daughter Jan in her choices of life now that she is coming of age as well. Also until Helen accept Jan, she will never be able to help her daughter Jan in learning to have structure in her life. These are some of the ways that we even bring this pattern of control, and non acceptence into closer relationships with our partner as well. I have another Friend named, Bill, he has two duaghters, I was at his house for dinner one day, and he began to jump on his daughter Cindy for not passing the food around the table. Cindy is just like me, she became very nervous and forgetful as she began to make many more mistakes. Bill noticed her making more mistakes, and he began to jump on her Cindy even more. Bill started complaining to me about the way that Cindy forgets things that she knows she should do, and when someone jumps on her she makes even more mistakes. Sometime later, Bill and I were talking about family the such, and I mentioned to him that his daughter Cindy was just like me in the way, when someone jumps on Cindy she gets very nervous, and it is like her brain shuts off, or she draws a blank mind, as she forgets many more things. Bill began to understand what was going on with Cindy at that moment. Identifying Our Fear, and Anger: So often when we get angry it is out of fear, it often comes the fear of losing something, or the fear of thinking something bad will happen to us. When we grow up we learn many fears, out of these fears we end up getting angry as well. There is often another problem many times when we feel our anger building, we often feel this self shame of feeling that it is not ok to be angry, adding to the problem even more, so we feel that we need to run and hide from everyone as we end up turning it inward becoming depressed. Identifying Our Own Selfishness: When we do not get Physical Intimacy, or if we don't communicate to each other, we will often feel abandoned, or rejected, or neglected, in turn we will often react in our hurt and anger, in this we will often end up getting mean to each other in trying to get the attention we want, or trying to get what is expected from the other partner. - (R.L.) Our Attractions To Others: A lot of times we get attracted to someone that looks very nice, this person is so cute, and everything seems to be so sweet as we allow our hormones, along with our feelings for the other person to cloud our better judgement of things. - (R.L.) A lot of times, if a person does not look so nice, or did not seem to be so cute, or we would not look in their direction, or we may not even consider being a friend to that person, however, we never know the quality of such a person, if we do not take the time to learn what a person is really all about. We would never know if this person would be like a type of sole mate to us, or even a best friend to us. - (R.L. & C.B.) These many different attractions that we have about others are that of our self. Physical Intimacy: We all have the dream of being close, being physically intimate with each other, holding each other, all of these things are very nice, and all these are often the fantasies of being with our dream mate, or with the perfect partner. - (R.L.) Many of us have come to equate: being close, holding each other, and touching each other as being Truly Intimate with this person that we have feelings for, or this person that we are in-love with. This Fantasy of being Physically Intimate with our Dream Mate, is that of our self, however, being truly intimate also includes the blending the inner, private, also blending of our mind and spirit. The Feelings We Have For Each Other: Almost everyone begins to have feelings for a person that we are attracted to, it is part of being human. These feelings make us feel so good inside about ourself, and our prospective partner with our hormones to the max. In all this we often obsess in these feelings about our partner as we begin to fall in-love with our partner as our partner becomes the number one thought on our mind. We allow these feelings to cloud our better judgement of things. In our obsession we end up completely losing ourself to our partner: - wanting to do everything to make him or her happy, - wanting to take care of our partner in every way, if anything were to happen to our partner we would totally panic, - (never mind taking care our self, forget about our self, this is our baby to take care of now). If our partner feel bad about anything we do for him or her: - we are crushed, - we would feel terrible about our self as being totally wrong, - we try to take care of our partner, - we get our feelings hurt deeply. As a whole we have confused these in-love feelings as being love, we end up giving our love with many emotional strings attached to this "Selfish Love", (yes, I say "Selfish Love") because we gave love with wanting something, or love in return, and if our partner were to ever leave us we would be totally crushed. When we do not get what we want from our partner, we get our feelings hurt a lot, and we get very mean to our partner. All this is not to beat our self up for things that went bad, it is help us become aware of what we do, we were looking to give our love in all the wrong places, now it is time to have compassionate love to our self, all this love we tried to give to our partner, and now it is time to give this Beautiful Love to Ourself. Things That Stand In The Way Of Emotional Intimacy: Intimacy reveals all of our self, however, there are many things in the way as we end up holding us back. How can we be Intimate with each other when we are too busy telling each other you have hurt me, you make me angry, and you annoy me, etc..? This is being stuck in our blame to each other, and trying to change each other. How can we be truly Intimate with each other, if we stay stuck in our problems, staying in the negative, and trying to change, or make our partner into something that we want them to be? How can we be intimate, if we remain locked into our projections on each other, - (expecting things of our partner) or do not learn to let go of our feelings, and let go of our projections on each other? - (R.L.) How can each partner be intimate if a partner is hiding and afraid to let the other partner really see them? - (R.L.) How can we become "one" with someone when we are only letting them see the part of ourselves we approve of? - (R.L.) How can we be Intimate with each other if we are not accepting each other exactly as we are? This is the acceptance without the living down to the expectations, or trying to live up to expectations, or to be something that others think of our self as someone that we are not, or setting our self into something that others think we are, much like being fit into a certain image of what others think we should be, or living in a state non self acceptance as we stand in our hurt, and displaced anger. - (R.L.) How can we attain "union" with two in-completes? If we are not revealing our whole true self, - worts, and all. Almost all of us are afraid of not being loved if we let someone see who we "really" are, or at least who we think we really are. In this self shame we suck in our stomach when we walk around, and We "put on our best face", we hide the parts of us that we feel are unacceptable for each other. - (R.L.) In a nutshell: Almost everyone gets attracted someone that we feel is very special, and we want to be our best for this partner, as we work hard to hide the things that we are ashamed of, or worked well to hide it til we are totally un-aware of the ways that we are mean to each other. Almost all of us have the need to be loved, after all we were born into a relationship, we have also lost ourself to others close to us, so the work is to look inside ourself, or to look outside of ourself, to see how we recreat many unhealthy situations for ourself, to change ourself and to begin having compassion to ourself.
Compassionate Love Overcomes, Fear and Anger.
From the movie called: "Big Daddy", - A Disney Movie.
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Chapter #4, Removing The Toxic Shame: The Purpose Of Our Life Begins To Develop A Creative Form: After much sorrow of being hurt, and being toxically shamed, many people begin to awaken inside, as we begin seeing our own problems, and we know that we are not better than anyone else because we know we have their own problems. The purpose of our healing work becomes clear, and we have decided to search inside our self, as we begin to see this dark side within our self, and we work to remove this toxic shame. Now this is the time that we give the power back to our self where it belongs. A Few Tips To Share With Friends: Begin writing a Biography of your life. Keep a journal of everyday events, and write down how you feel about things. Write down asking yourself, and answer the following questions: What do I feel that I should, or should not do? Write down asking yourself, what are the things that are expected of me? Now I am sure the list will be long, however, this is our time to give ourself a special compassionate love that we deserve. After you have written all those things down. Scratch out the word, "should", or expected to do, and put the word "could" in its place. This gives yourself the choice back to you "where it belongs", you have the power now, and now you make our own decisions, as you learn from those choices, because you chose to do them, or not to do them, as you love yourself. Write down asking yourself, and answer: What is it that I feel I do right or wrong? Who told me that this is right or wrong? please note, this is not to point any fingers to anyone, it is just to be aware of where it came from, to know it was just the words that someone else told us about our self, and to know it is not true. This is our time to have compassionate love to our self. Write down all the things that you feel you have done bad, or wrong. Then write done, I have done things things and I forgive myself for,___________________________. You may think but I have done many terrible things, I have done so many things wrong, and it is too late for me now, this is the old mind speaking it is not you. Begin to tell your self many wonderful things about you, you may feel oh, I am not good enough for all this, that is our old message talking to us, it is not really us, say to our old mind thanks for sharing this is my special time to heal inside, and this is my work to feel good about me now, my time to have compassionate love to me. Look in the mirror everyday, and begin to tell yourself, I love you, I really, really love you. Tell yourself other things like: I love and approve of myself, I love and approve of myself. A Story: A mother bird feeds her new young, her babies begin to grow, and when she feels that is the right time, she begins to encourage her young as she teaches her young how to fly, she may even push them out of the nest. She teaches her young how to hunt for food, all this is to teach her young how to live, to make their own decisions, and survive on their own, this is the greatest gift that she could give to her young. - this is true love, because the once baby birds dependent of their mother are taking care of their self now. Now Sharing A Few Boundaries: Take note, when others are supporting you in your choices, and challenges - this is true love. Take note, when other are making their own choices, and learning from their own challenges in life. - this is true love. Take note, when others are taking care of their self, and learning to do things to better theirself. - this is true love. Take note, when others are taking responsibility for how they feel in things, and accepting you exactly as you are. - this is true love. Take note, when others are doing the un-expected, - this is true love. Take Note, when others form their own opinions, and share their opinions without trying to change anyone, - this is true love In our healing work we begin to see the many fears we learned that is not really our true self. We often look for help as we begin a healing an incredibly powerful work of creativity within our self, and we begin to decide for our self what is good for us. - (R.L.) This is our own choice to change our self everyday and we choose to learn the simple things of life. - (R.L. & C.B) This creative healing work that we choose to do in our self is much like an artist painting a picture. The artist sets his eye upon a blank white canvass, yet, in his minds eye he sees an incredible master piece that has yet to be expressed from within. He has a vision in his heart, and with his own creative self expression, it is just a matter of time until this vision is placed onto the canvass. The artist takes a brush as he carefully selects from many colors paint, and with this incredible vision in his heart, he begins to raise the brush to the white canvass. With the end of the brush he gently caresses the canvass leaving an undefined mark of paint. Each stroke of the brush is much like a beautiful and elegant swan dance. In the beginning this work of the Artist, many would look it the painting at his work, and in disgust they might say, this looks like a big mess, however, in the passages of time with much patients the Artist works to create a great master piece. Upon the time his work is finished, now the Artist becomes a Leader with many people admiring his work of creativity, and many would say to him: please, can you share with me, can you teach me this incredible work that you do? Putting things together: The work of our labor in this Article is to be totally honest about our self, and to be totally honest with others as we see things within our self in a work of healing inside from the pain, and the toxic shame within a work of creative self expression. 8e |
Chapter #5: Learning From Our Own Choices, And Making Our Changes Within For Our self: Many people may ask, Is there any hope for me being able to enter into healthier relationships, and truly be intimate in a relationship where we can be totally honest with each other, for each partner to accept each other exactly as they are, having the freedom of expression with releasing all of our feelings about different things within intimate relationships, being vulnerable with our partner, yet, still being a friend with our partner, and with our partner chosing to be without judgement. Also without our partner trying to change us or preach to us, also without criticizing us, also without totally rejecting us, and with us sharing the same qualities to our partner? - (R.L.) Yes there is hope, there is always hope for our self. As long as we have breath in our lungs, there is hope for developing healthier relationships, and being truly intimate with our partner. We can start by changing our self. We can always make choices that might take us into different directions. We can choose to be "real", and to let the others "see all that we are". - (R.L. & C.B) We can also start by having a loving relationship with ourself, as we begin to realize that we are the person deserving to be loved. Accepting Our Self, and Accepting Others: If people are not willing to accept you 100%, then the question is, do you really want to be around them "until death do us part"? Accepting people exactly as they are, does not mean that we are to think that everything a person does is perfect, it does not mean that we let them control us, or walk all over us, or let them hit us again, or abuse us again. - (R.L. & C.B) Everything others see about us is not always absolutely right, nor are they perfect in their opinion of us, it is simply their own perception of us, and a lot of times it has a lot to do with their projections on us of what they think we should be like. - (R.L. & C.B) There will be things that you will disagree with about a person, you will have an opinion about a person, or there will things that you will not like about a person. There may even be many things that you will see about a person that you think is unhealthy, or see things that our partner really needs healing in different areas, and with the dark side perhaps in reaction to a person in our displaced anger, you may even want to instruct, to criticize, or preach to this person in how to correct those problems that you see about them. - (R.L.) Keep in mind certain things when we address a person, are we learning become aware of how we are treating other people, - (it is actually how we are treating our self), - (R.L.) Are we choosing self respect, and respect of others? - (R.L.) Are we relating with our partner when we see a problem? Are we having compassion, or perhaps empathizing in kindness with this person because we know we have our own problems, and anxieties to work out as well? - (R.L.) Are we being creative in the ways that we express how we feel about things? - (R.L.) Are we still loving and accepting of the whole person? Are we accepting everything about this person with all of his or her warts and foibles, also with all the things about this person that interests you? - (R.L. & C.B) Keep in mind on some further things, the first step into intimacy is to love and accept oneself. If you are not able to accept yourself 100% and love yourself unconditionally, then you won't be able to let anyone in your life that will accept you either. - (R.L. & C.B) We will attract people who criticize us for the same things we criticize our self for. We will never let them really "see into us", for fear that we end up will be giving them "more ammunition" to criticize us. We will always hide those things that we feel when we are "not good enough", or to hide things when we feel that we are wrong about things. Contrary to what we have been taught by our caretakers, or those in authority over us, it is not a matter of being right, or wrong about things, it is simply choosing to learn from our own choices, and challenges in life. - (R.L.) Simply in sharing these things in compassion: Open yourself up to an intimate relationship, start with the one you're with. This person is 'You". The work is the choice in our self having the desire with determination to acknowledge lovingly, accepting those things that you've been trying to hide from yourself and to hide it from others. Intimacy, refers to letting others see into the innermost part of our selves, Intimacy, is often very creative in our self expression. - (R.L.) The work is to start by being real! It is the work to start by being honest with yourself first, and at that point extend that to the people close to you. - (C.B) You might want to explain to them first that you need their help on this. Perhaps let your partner know that are you're feeling insecure, or scared about letting them see all your "weaknesses" and that you will need their unconditional love and support in this process. It can be helpful to ask your partner that "nothing you say will be used against you". Our great fear is that once we open up and show our "true" selves, that people will turn it against us, that they will then look down at us (as we do on ourselves), or that they will abandon us, or that they will reject us (as we reject ourselves). It takes a lot of courage to open up letting intimacy into our lives. It takes a strength of purpose, our purpose being to create relationships that are truly loving, supportive, a peaceful and comfortable relationship with our partner. An Intimate relationship is where we can really be ourselves without fear. Somewhat like being with a best friend that we've had "forever", with these old friends we can let all aspects of our personality act out, and know that we will still be loved. We need to develop that intimacy with everyone in our lives (at least those people close to us), so that we can be comfortable living in our bodies, not always looking around the corner to see who is watching and make sure that we are "putting out our best side". This is not to imply that intimacy gives people a license to be a complete jerk to each other, and yet none of us are "complete" jerks. Yes, we may have a part of us that can be a jerk at times, another part that is frightened, another part that is arrogant, but we also have the major part of us that wants to be loved for who we are, this a major part of us simply wants to love and be loved. But, one can only love a reality, not an illusion. To be Intimate, it is needed to become real, with our foibles and hesitations, with our imperfections, with our hopes and dreams, and let the other people in our lives express those aspects of themselves as well. Until we can feel safe being ourselves, then intimacy is not possible. While we are still trying to only let the "other" see the "good side" of us, then we will have a flat relationship, - without being even a three-dimensional relationship. - (R.L.) It is the wisdom of true Intimacy to be totally honest with each other letting the other partner know: I am co-dependent at times, I am an alcholic at times, I have this dark side about me, I am not the perfect person everyone wants me to be, I lose myself in relationships at times, I react like a hero, or like a victim, or like a scapegoat, I get mean at times, I criticize at times, I get defensive at times, I have this need for love and acceptance from others at times, I have this self shame of being wrong at times, I have self shame when I feel it is not ok to be angry at times, I have challenges to work out for myself, I am learning from my decisions, and choices of life, I do these things at times, not knowing what I have done til after I think about what I have already reacted to a situation, or reacted to someone, I get scared at times especially when I revealed many things about me, In breif summary this is revealing all of our faults, or follies to the other partner. Some Affirmations to Share: Margret Studenc Instructor Of English, was encouraging the class to think in logical, and creative ways, so in essence, this is the choice to make changes in our self, and in way of thinking. - (M.S), (the choice to think in logical ways is the twin brother to thinking in practicle ways). To paraphrase this just a little further: We are not the flat image we see in movies, nor are we the flat character described in Literature Based Research these character that we read, and write about in a Critical Analysis of a Story or Fairy Tale. - (M.S.) We are here to learn from our own challenges, - (R.L. & C.B. & M.S.) We are the dynamic people that choose to make changes in our self everyday. - (R.L. & C.B & M.S.) We are not here to work for others approval of us, thus losing our self to each other, - (R.L. & C.B) We are not here to work for the acceptance of others, thus losing our self to each other - (R.L. & C.B) We are not here to work for others to like us, thus losoing ourself to each other, We are not here to do what is expected of us, - (R.L. & C.B) We are not here to expect things of others, - (R.L. & C.B) We are not here to project things onto others, - (R.L.) We are not here to do what others project onto us, - (R.L.) We are not here to do as we should, or should not do, - (R.L. & C.B) We are not the right, or wrong, nor are we in the control of, you are wrong, I am right, and (vice versa). - (R.L.) We are not the all into each other or none at all. - (R.L.) We are the people that will not let others control, nor change us anymore. - (R.L. & C.B) We are here to make our own choices and learn from the choices we that make. - (R.L. & C.B) We are those that make the choice to support others in their choices. We are those that take responsibility for how we feel, as we express our freely, and let them go, living in "The Now". We are the people choose to have our own views, and opinions, and we have a right to express them. - (C.B) We are the people that choose to do the unexpected. - (R.L. & C.B) We are real, we are multi-faceted, and becoming that of substance. - (R.L. & C.B) We are experiencing life in its many aspects, with its many personality traits, in many different patterns with many ups and downs. - (R.L. & C.B) We are the creative self expression of everything we are. - (R.L. & C.B & M.S.) Richard Lance was sharing with Child Developemental Psyc: Success for ourself is:............, wow that is me, I deserved this good fortune. Failure for ourself is: situational - a stroke of bad luck for us. Success for others is: situational, - it was just a stroke of good luck to them, Failure for others is:............., they deserved what was coming to them. He began to share a little further int this illustration, about when we see everything as a situation that was good for us, or good for others. A situation that is or bad for us, or bad for others, it takes away from the thought of future and brings us into the present. Putting Things Together: The work for our self is the choice to change our self, the desire to be our true ourselves, "To Be Real", - to learn a deeper self awareness, - to stand in our own power, - to stand in our own choices of life, - to let others get close enough to "see all of me", - at that point we will have relationships that are truly intimate, being in relationships that are grand! As we choose to do this work everyday, and we will have relationships we so deeply desire. In these relationships where we can finally feel at ease, we are able to receive support, to receive love, to give compassion to ourself, compassion to others as well, in our path towards our greater good, with the greater good of others, giving to the greater Love of self, and Love for all. 8f |
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Chapter #6, "See Me", see all of me: - A Heart Song, Into Me See - See me, I was born an innocent child, I was the helpless baby boy, and I was in the essence of "I am", See me, I was in the full acceptance of "I am", as I expressed all my feelings openly, and freely, as I let them go, and I lived in the moment of "The Now". See me, as I expressed my feelings, I had no judgement of anything, I did not have any sense of guilt, I had no sense of being wrong and I had no criticism of anyone, See me, I was full of wonder, I was full of joy, and I was full of courage, Se me, I was in the allegiance of creativity, and in all this, I was like the very essence of the beauty in a rose shining in the dew drops of love, See me, I looked around as far as my eyes could see, with much curiosity I marveled at so many new things around me, and I was full of wonder, so I became compelled to discover this world around me, See me, I became like that of a miner looking for precious shining metal as I laid a claim on everything I touched these were Mine, it was mine to keep, and I will not let it go, See me, see all of me, see all that I am, see all that scared me, See me, growing up, I also began to discover things that were not good for me, living in my helplessness I was vulnerable, and I learned many things that scared me, See me, I did things that my caretakers did not like, so they became mean to me many times, I felt intruded upon, however, I was small and I did not have the power to push these giants away, See me, as they would even wipp me many times, as they began to tell me, "No", they told me I was bad, I should not touch, and I will learn to leave things alone, See me, I was learning well, so I learned to say "no", as I began to establish an Identity with great courage, however, as these giants around me soon told me never to say "no" to them, See me, I began to learn well, so I began to say "No" back, however, this was not ok to say "No", as my caretakers saw it as rebellion, so they chose to wipp me again, See me, I was told that is was ok to be angry, I was told it was not ok for me to cry as I began to bottle up my feelings, and my emotions til I could feel them no more, See me, this courage I had began to be crushed, in all this as it a very sad beginning of a wounded-ness in my soul, a bitterness of heart began to develop inside me, See me, I was this wonderful child as I had no place to go, but to hide in a room all to myself as I was very sad, very angry, hurting, crying, and feeling very alone, See me, as there was once a growing seed in my heart with all the beauty in pureness of love, and now it was being frozen in the Winter Seasons of Time, See me, now this seed would see many years go by in sorrow, as the years became a long Season of a bitter cold Winter within me, as if it were a deep snow that began to blanket and preserve the Seed of a Rose within my heart, See me, I was told to do certain things, and I was told to be good. or nice, so I would be accepted or approved of, and I would be a good little boy now, See me, I was told that I should try to be perfect, I was told should never make a mistake or I will be punished, these people around me were like Gods to me, and I believed every word spoken to me when they told me that I was wrong, and I was very bad See me, I heard many shameful things about me: I was told I was not good enough for anything until I was being a good boy, to do what is expected of me, again I was told I am bad, I am wrong, and I disappointed my mama and daddy, See me, so with not knowing any better I believed every word spoken about me in total shame, as I was told to go into my room, and think about what I did that was so wrong, See me, as I was hurting so I ran into my room so I slammed the door behind me in my rage, as I locked the door not wanting anyone to bother me in my sorrow, and I did not know that this was the time that I needed a hug the most, See me, I was crying in the darkness living within total shame without having anyone to guide me, no one to hug me, and no one was there to comfort me, See me, with no one to guide me, I took it all on myself in thinking "I am so wrong", "I am so wrong", "I am so bad", "I am so bad", and these words must be truth, or they would not have been spoken to me by my caretakers, See me, I took these shameful words spoken to me by my caretakers as the words became like daggers constantly slicing into my heart, and my soul began to bleed, See me, as the shameful words were the last thing I heard, as they began to haunt me echoing in my mind over, and over again, and soon they became the only messages I could hear now, See me, I was feeling intruded upon, I was feeling hurt in abandonment, and I was feeling rejected with incredible sadness, See me, see all that I am, See me, I began to look around to my peers for comfort, and acceptance, however, soon they to began to shame me and once again I began to believe every word, See me, I felt that all these words were absolute truth about me, as I ran home, I went straight to my room feeling hurt, and crying as I locked the door behind me again, as I cried myself to sleep in total shame, See me, I cried for comfort, however, all Peace fled me, I was like a man trying to find water in a barren desert, as he became very weary in the scorching sun, See me, I was drowning in my sorrow, it was like I was sinking in quick sand with all my friends laughing at me, making fun of me, and scorning me as I sank deeper into all this "sadness of despair", See me, as I awakened, I wanted to do everything to please my caretakers, they were like Gods to me and these were the people I trusted with my life, See me, I found that nothing would please my caretakers, as I felt defeated in helplessness, as though I was trapped being encompassed with total self doubt, and griped in total self shame, See me, as I believed all these words about me, they became like the poison of a viper as it began to grip my heart and my soul, thus pulling me into a deep wretched pit with seemingly no way out, See me, as I began to react in many ways in seemingly desperate attempts to survive the trauma, much like holding for dear life at the end of a rope, and looking below me was an endless pit of sorrow, with a life of despair, See me, I was in need of acceptance, so I learned to become like those around me, much like that of a chamaeleon in its attempts survival, will often changes its color, and blending into it's surroundings in order to hide from its enemy. See me, in my sadness, I began to have a vision that someone would care for me, to come for me taking me away from my sadness, and this great warrior would make me happy, See me, I would be in gratefulness to my warrior, I would care for my partner, I would have my hero, and my life problems would end, because I would be cared for with such tenderness, See me, One day my dream seemed to have come true as I found someone that cared for me, this person was so nice to me, as this person did everything to please me, and make me happy it felt so good inside, it was my fantasy come true of this great white knight to rescue me, See me, Now the stars were looking down at both of us, they saw us in our sorrow as they kissed our hearts with the touch of love and they guided us with a great smile, See me, I began to have intense feelings, as I began to obsess about my love that I began to fall in-love with, this was my partner that made me feel so good inside me, See me, I wanted to do everything I could do, or that I should do for my love, I wanted my love to do everything for me, to come take care of me, this was my warrior, my hero that I waited for all my life, this was the one I dreamed about taking care of, and now all my dreams have come true, See me, we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons under the sun, we ran in the rain, we chased each other in the garden of romantic love and the joy of all this seemed to flow from the heavens, as I prayed to the stars all this happiness together would never end, See me, I began to be hurt and angry when I did not get what I wanted, or when I did not get what I expected from this mate that I was in-love with, and we fought a lot when we did not get what we wanted from each other, and before long after much hurt we had to part ways from each other, See me, we became like fire dragons with a strangle hold at each others throats, and trying to devour each other, it was a struggle for power as two countries with well trained soldiers trying to concur each other, we both knew in our heart the other was wrong, very wrong for all the hurt we gave to each other, See me, It was the Hell we grew up in as a child, it was a war being replayed all over again, we wondered in our heart what have I fallen in-love with, this was not the sweet loving partner that I first met, what happened to our love? See me, I poured my heart and soul into to my love, and now I was being rejected, I lost my dream and my heart broke like a glass being dropped as it shattered into pieces, the pain became intense as if each piece of glass had razor sharp edges cutting into my soul thus being left to bleed with intense pain and sorrow, See me, the pressure within my heart began to build with great intensity as all this silent sadness and anger began to rupture like a volcano spewing out ashes into the sky, and with its molten lava destroying all the goodness within me, See me, see all that is in me, See me, As the Season of Spring comes as the Sun begins to warm the Earth, as life that was long thought to be dead, as each dormant seed begins to spring forth with new life and growing in great splendor, See me, Great Light saw me in my sadness, so with Great Compassion as this incredible Wisdom touched this buried seed within me, my heart began warm now a Season of Spring has begun to visit my Heart, and heal my Soul, See me, as I become more aware of this dark side of me, the Bitterness of those sad Winters have begun to lose its grip on me, and the Creative Life of Spring has begun to re-awaken in my heart, See me, Wisdom began to come from within, as my eyes began to awaken, I did not know those shameful things spoken to me were the thoughts, and ideas of others, now I am beginning to understand it is not me, it was just their thoughts about me, and it was their own inner shame displaced on me, See me, I took in the shame when others told me there was "No Excuse", for what I did so wrong, "No Excuse" for my bad behavior, often I would be defensive, or become angry, and now I see it was their own bitterness of shame displaced on me, See me, Now I understand it was their displaced anger in their own sadness with their judgements about me, and it was their bitter words spoken about me, I do not have believe any of those words spoken to me anymore, as they are not the Real Me. See me, Now I am learning, I am letting go of the fantasy, and I am learning to let go of this false self in this ego of control that I have learned as a child, See me, knowing I am not perfect, as I make a promise to myself, nor will I try to be perfect, nor will I try to make everything perfect anymore, and I will not look to be something, or some great hero for everyone else anymore, See me, as all this mess going on in my life, I took it deep within myself as it became like a disease inside me, and this toxic shame was so often what created so many of my problems for me, See me, in this toxic shame as I ended up creating problems for others around me, See me, in all this dependency, as I did not know the reactions of others would affect me so much, and even my own reactions would often effect others around me, See me, Now I have my own problems, I have my own challenges and I have my anxieties that I work to overcome each day. See me, there are times when I feel I was not good enough, now I began learning each day, and each moment in the Now, I began living to accept myself exactly as I am, See me, I look for acceptance from others at times, yet, so often it is because I feel this toxic shame of being wrong inside, or because I feel so alone inside, See me, there are times when I feel I am so wrong, as it so often came from these rules of life that I learned as a child from my caretakers, and the rules I learned from those around me, See me, as I became very selfish, and very controlling trying to make others live under all these rules that I learned so well, See me, with all these rules that I began to live by, the creativity within me was crushed and now I am learning each day to break away from this shame, See me, see all that is in me, See me, as a seed once thought to be dead and lifeless, now it is beginning to be reborn with new life in the midst of the warm nurturing sunshine in a Spring Season of new growth, See me Now, I am learning to live by my own choices, to learn from my own mistakes, and re-awaken the Creativity of Self Expression within me, See me, Now I am learning to break away from these old rules of life that I had learned so well growing up, and now I am learning self respect, and respect of others. See me Now, I have too many irons in a fire, it is often because I forget, and I over extend myself at times, See me, I am learning the "real me" now, I am learning to break away from the different roles that I learned as a child, See me, as I react like a victim at times, I often get hurt inside, and in my displaced anger I would often strike back being very mean at times. See me, as I learned to be victim, I learned by these rules thus taking care of the things I was suppose to do, or to do what was expected of me, See me, when others did not do things for me I felt hurt inside, and I wanted others to take care of me, after all they were suppose to do things for me too, See me, feeling so helpless I needed someone to rescue me from this hurt, I wanted someone to comfort me and as I so felt helpless, See me, it was like I was a sleeping beauty waiting for my white knight in shining armor to come and rescue me from an endless sleep. See me, as I react like a scapegoat at times, as I would often enable my abusers, I also ended up clinging, and caring for my abuser all the more, See me, as I held onto a hope that someday this abuse would stop, but what would I do without being such a great matter in all these things, See me, as I act like hero at times, as I want to rescue others, after all I am doing everything I should do for everyone, as I become the brave warrior for everyone around me, See me, as I became like that of a great healer in trying to heal others around me, so I hang on even to abusive relationships, yet so often I forget who it is that needed the healing, with this growing inside, See me, I want to be a caretaker at times, and I feel this false sense of esteem as I have given so much help for others, See me, after I helped others so much, and I often feel hurt, and angry, or I feel guilt, because I do not get any encouragement, nor do I get any nurturing back to me from my friends, See me, Now I am understanding how dependent I was on others for my own happiness, and actually what I gave out was not a gift, as I had many emotional strings attached, See me, I was feeling they should me help me now, but now I see it was in my own selfishness that I set myself up for the hurt. See me, as I did things, I learned things that are not healthy for me, as I struggle in life at times, and I am tired at times, so I can't give to you what you need many times, See me, out of this eternal sense of being wrong, I felt that I should do what is right, and I was in this endless need to prove myself right, See me, when people questioned me in anger, or perhaps accused me of things, I felt this need to defend my actions, and I felt the need to justify my actions, See me, I often did not get my way, so I have often turned my anger inward into discouragement, as I was thinking life is all pointless, See me, I often turned my anger inward to myself, blaming myself, thinking I am so wrong, so I become depressed, and all I wanted to do is quit in life things when things do not go my way, See me, I am learning from this discouragement, and I won't push you away, nor try to change you, I just need a hug right now, See me, so often in effort to shift responsibility, I wanted to blame others for everything that went wrong, or blame others for the things they did to me, See me, as I was stuck in my problems, as I kept myself in a prison, now I stand up, and I say, no more to the abuse, See me, when I saw a problem in others, they were not doing what they should do, so I would often criticize them, or become very angry thinking they would change and do what I want them to do, See me, I get hurt inside when I feel I might be rejected, or abandoned, or I feel that I am not accepted, when actually I am scared, and I am still trying to make everything perfect around me. See me, Now I am learning how I feel about things, as I learned to suppress my anger, so all I could feel was this shameful pain of hurt, See me, I was feeling so alone and crying the hurt, all this was because I have not accepted myself in this toxic shame, See me, I was a scared child locked in a room with his tormentors all about him prodding him, and making fun of him everyday, See me, see all my mistakes, I learned to say "I am sorry", or told to apologize all because my parents told me to say "I am sorry", See me, I took what I was told to do, and I wanted others to tell me they are sorry when they did things that I felt were bad, or wrong, however, now I understand this was not the "real me", See me, I have these old memories of abuse that I survived as a child, and sometimes things trigger these old memories, as I work to heal from these triggers. See me, Now I am learning from these mistakes, and we can learn together now in participation. See me, see all that I am, as you see me, I am not a fantasy of being a hero in doing all the right things for everyone, See me, I am looking within myself to see the things that I did as I created so many problems for myself, and in my own relationships, See me, I am working to remove so many things that are not healthy for me, these things I chose that are good for myself, and what I want to change within myself, See me, I am learning and working through my pain now, I have my problems, and each step I take I learn to be ok with these challenges now, See me Now, and understand when I am angry, it is often because I am really scared inside trying to make everything perfect. See me, I did many things that were expected of me, as I lived by many rules from everyone else, and I did everything I should do. See me, as lived by what was expected of me, as I became very hurt in all my sadness. See me, I have a problem, now it is my challenge to overcome, and this is also what I am trying to break away from now. See me, I have been very honest telling you in the things that I did, how I felt about things even when I was mean and angry, now I am learning from all this, See me, I am learning from these things about me. See me, see all that I am, See me, do not look for me to live by your rules, nor look for me to be a certain way for you, because I am here for myself, and to learn things for myself as I will not allow others to control me, nor to change me, See me, as I am crying now, and we can share a hug now, as I just need a friend right now, See me, I become scared at times in this, as it is an unknown yet a new freedom of learning for me? See me, and relate with me now, as I am vulnerable now, so just be my friend, See me, as I am very honest in telling you exactly how I feel - as you chose to love me now, and not abandon me, nor reject me? See me, Now I am learning to accept myself exactly as I am, as I am growing from this point of total acceptance, See me, and as you have some healing words of wisdom to share, See me, please don't judge me, nor tell me what I should do, nor tell me I am wrong in your wisdom, See me, help me, encourage me, share with me, as we learn together in this participation, See me, with understanding things as I learn, so tell me your problems, and challenges, See me, I won't leave you, I won't judge you, I won't criticize you, and I won't shame you, yet, as it would be ok, I will share with that of myself, See me, I will be here as a friend, and I will share with you my wisdom. See Us, together in participation as both of us learn, and share together, I need my friends not be my healer, nor be my caretaker, nor be my therapist, but just be my understanding friend, See me, Now I am learning from my own choices, I am making my own choices now, and I am learning from each choice I make in life, See me, Now I will not try to change you anymore, and I will not look for you to accept me, yet I will love you for the creativity you are, and the person you are. See me, as I begin to laugh at my mistakes as I learn, as I search out the rivets that has held me in this old toxic shame, See me, as I begin to learn that I have the right be here, and I begin love my own opinions, as I express myself in creativity. See me, as I am learning to be creative, this poem I write is the Creativity I am, and the expression of the God in me, See me, once again I will look to discover new things, See me, once again I will learn new things with curiosity, See me, once again in great courage I will push my boundaries to the max, See me, Now I am learning to be at peace with myself, and at peace with others now, See Us, as we can accept each other exactly as we are, and now in this understanding we can work out these issues in participation together, as we both learn, and grow together in this trust. See me, Now I am learning to accept myself, and I will stand up for myself by saying, No, this abuse has been enough, See me, as a once imprisoned man finds the courage and strength from within himself as he begins to break the bondage of chains, See me, as it was a toxic shame that held him for many years, as he makes a promise to himself, never to let the abuse happen again, See me, I learn to live in self respect, and respect of others, and I will not allow anyone to control me, nor try and change me anymore, as I let others know this is not ok, See me, I will not look to control, nor will I try to change others in respect to them, and as I let go of the power in trying to control others, See me, looking back at it all knowing how I was being controlled with much abuse growing up, and now in compassion I will stand up for the Helpless, and the Innocent. See me, I am learning to connect my heart to my mind each day, as I am learning to let the creativity flow from out of my heart, See me, I will begin to lay down in the grassy fields, with the earth to my back as I look up watching the clouds in their splendor, as the wind pushes each cloud through the sky. See me, I walk in the night as the Moon becomes a light for my path, See me, sitting beside a fire, listening to the sounds of the insects and animals at night, as we begin to tell of stories, and tell of great adventures. See me, I will take walks along the beaches, and watch the essence of the waves, flowing in and out with the elegance of their powerful majesty, See me, I will soar like that of an eagle, and as the wind blows lifting me up into the heavens, my Path is often into the Unknown, my Guide is the God within Me. See Us, as we learn to give our love selflessly, as we live life, as if there is no tomorrow, and I will learn as if I have the rest of my life to learn. See me, as I deserve to be here, because I have written this Poem for myself in my own healing, and as I have chosen to share a part of myself with you, "See Me", see all of me. See Us, as we learn to give our love freely, as we share together, without strings attached as we look for nothing in return from each other, See Us, as we learn to give our love unconditionally. See me, I am the seed that with the sun's Love in the Spring, I become "The Rose". By Mark D, [email protected] 
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Works Cited Entry: Many Quotations, and Paraphrasing are used in this book: - (R.L), is Richard Lance, Masters in Psychology, Masters in Criminal Justice. Instructor of Psychology & Child Developmental Psychology, At Haywood Comunity College, Clyde, NC. and Western Carolina University, Sylva, NC. - (C.B.), is Chuck Blackburn, Masters in Comunications, M/S. Instructor of Public Speaking, & Psychology, At Haywood Comunity College, and AB Tech. College, Asheville NC. - (M.S.) Margret Studenc, Instructor of English, & Literature Based Research. At Haywood Comunity College. Clyde NC - (L.H.), Louise Haye, Author, and Counselor In Family Relationships. Author of: You Can Heal Your Life by, Louise Haye. - (J.B.), Dr. John Bradshaw, Author and Counselor In Family Relationships. Author of: Homecoming, by John Bradshaw. Please note this song below, "The Rose", with words and music written by Amanda McBroom, This song is song by Bette Midler. This song is not part of this Article, it is simply on this website, because I feel it is appropriatte to this Article. R |
~The Rose~Some say love..............it is a river, that drowns..............the tender reed. Some say love..............it is a razor, that leaves...........your soul to bleed. Some say love.............it is a hunger, an end less..................aching need. I say love................it is a flower, and You....................its only seed. It's the heart........afraid of breaking, that never...............learns to dance. It's the dream..........afraid of waking, that never................takes a chance. It's the one..........who won't be taken, who can.................not seem to fear. And the soul.............afraid of din.', that never................learns to live. When the night.......has been too lonely, and the road...........has been too long. Where'd you think.......that love is only for the lucky.............and the strong, Just remember..............in the winter, far beneath.............the bitter snows, Lies the seed...that with the sun's love, in the spring........becomes The Rose. | |||||
Music, Words & Lyrics by: Amanda McBroom | |||||
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