This is the worst ending since Jesus was crucified at a garbage dump and speared in the side by some arse named "Longinus." White-suit tells Paolo to go and dump Stephanie in the ocean and pretend it was a fishing accident, a foolproof plan, especially since Stephanie doesn't seem like the fishing type (or, in fact, anything other than the "smiling vapidly into nowhere" type,) and especially-especially since her only living relative was recently put into the hospital with a heart-attack, so she probably wouldn't be thinking about taking up fishing any time soon.
Eric to the rescue. Dun dun duuuuunnn, but no one wants to help him. Steve won't because he's a poof, the rest of the class won't, either, probably because they realise they're all seven year olds. Poo. Luckily Bobby is willing to kick ass, proving that there ARE positive roles for black males in films, now if only someone could give a black male a positive role without making one of their lines "Damn white boys..." Bobby makes sure to make them all feel bad, since karate is about teamwork (my instructor insisted that it was about self-defence, but there you go.) Remember that, as it's very important.
Rubharb etc. The dynamic trio of Eric, Bobby and heart-throb Brad go and find the club Stephanie is at, but Brad wusses out. You'll be missed, Brad, you big son of a gun. Eric and Bobby make their way in, and are promptly stupid enough to get surrounded by everyone in the entire club, except for Manny, who's been having second thoughts about being a rough and tumble Mexican goon for some tit in a white suit. Also, the medication isn't working, according to Paolo. But lo and behold! In comes Brad with his baseball bat, who makes a terrific speech about baseball. Now, that's got to tell you something: one of the main characters in the most boring film ever created makes a speech about the most boring sport ever created. Well, button my grey cardigan and bring me my slippers, I think we're in for some high-octane action! It's worth noting that Brad doesn't hit a single person with his baseball bat.
More excitement, as it seems Steve has swallowed his pride and decided to come out of the closet! Yay! Oh, sorry, I mean swallowed his pride and decided to work as a team, or, to be more exact, work as a team with a bunch of seven-year olds. Now, I don't want to be nitpicky, but one of the seven year olds is a black belt. I counted at least six different coloured belts, and to my knowledge it's common procedure to go through a grading once a year in order to advance a belt. That would mean he would've had to have started doing karate at about two, and shown enough potential to progress to black belt while still in infancy. Sorry, it just striked me as a little hard to believe. I guess there's a perfectly rational explanation for it, and not just that the director had no idea how a belt-system might possibly work.
Anyway, the seven year olds all beat up the myriad 30 year old men, armed with knives and pool cues. It doesn't concern them that their heads are smaller than the fists of these guys, or that the guys have sunglasses, though, as they go to the most bad-ass dojo in all of Los Angeles.
Eric runs to stop Paolo, who has a gun to Stephanie's head, and we think we're in for a heated showdown! But no, Eric just punches Paolo in the face and he gets intimate with the floor. Eric and Stephanie babble, white-suit gets his come-uppance and my brain cells liquify, ooze out of my ears and get my bed sheets all messy.
+ The makers had a budget.
+ The acting isn't horrendous.
Negative Points:
- Everything
- Everything else
- Anything I haven't mentioned
- Stephanie
- I don't care if you're blind, deaf and have got down-syndrome, your life would still take a turn for the worse if you sat in the same room as this film, and even though you wouldn't be able to see or hear the film, you'd still know it was on, unfortunately.
On the back of the case it says, "Be prepared for an assault on the mind and body!" I assume this refers to the mental anguish you'll suffer from realising that you'll never have the hour and a half you wasted on this film back, and from the physical pain you'll inflict on yourself after you drive a screwdriver into your brain in an attempt to cope with Stephanie's stupid 9 year old girl voice and vacant expression.
I think it's been established that I hate this film, so I'm going to gabble about a weird scene: I'm not sure if there's something wrong with my DVD or what, but there's this bit where some guys circle Eric in a shop, and then suddenly Eric is standing in a completely different position in a different part of the shop, one of the thugs is crawling along the floor and another one is about to get kicked. I don't think there was anything wrong with my DVD as it didn't make the usual "dying mule" sound it usually does when my PS2 struggles with a film, and it flicked from the one part of the scene to the other fast enough to suspect that it wasn't my DVD.
I'm not going to give this film a "1" or a "0" because I believe there are far more films that are actually technically worse AND boring as opposed to just being boring and possessing the qualities of seven year old stilton.
2/10
