part: 4, The Fortress

Announcer:  ALE continues to make it's way into Blizzard's fortress of Doom.  The contorted and dimly lit hallways, fill each member with fear.  Who knows what fiendish traps lay in wait?  Who knows if they will ever make it out alive?  Does a fate worse than a million burning, screaming painful deaths await-

Tatia:  Will you shut the hell up please?

Announcer:  Fine, fuck you guys, they don't pay me enough for this.
(announcer stalks off leaving ALE alone)

Shaidar:  I never knew Blizzard's offices would be so dark and frightening.

Landru:  This place is riddled with booby traps

Mo'gons:  How you know Landru?

(ALE members turn to see Landru's body riddled with arrows, poison darts and spears)

Landru:  (dripping with sarcasm) I don't know shit wit, I guess it's intuition.

Pixie:  With all these traps and stuff in here, it's a wonder there aren't dead Blizzard employees everywhere.
Dixie:  Yeah, how do these guys get to work anyway?

Announcer #2:  Meanwhile, the rest of the ALE members sit inside the pub, drinking sullenly.

X-Slayer:  Hey, don't you think we should have waited for those guys?

Linger:  Yeah, maybe we should go back.

Incubus:  (already drunk) ssshure we'll go back.  Right after this round.

Announcer #2: In the Lair of Doom the ALE infiltration party has stumbled upon an amazing discovery

Shaidar:  By Farnam!  It appears to be some sort of primordial.... break room.

(Sure enough, they have wandered out of the massive stone hallways into a nicely lit room with a microwave, kitchenette, sofa, and pop dispenser)

Etherdragon:  This is so unnatural.  Look there's de-caff in the coffee pot.

Tatia:  What kind of sub-human monsters are we dealing with here?

Shaidar:  I don't know, but we should be careful.  There's no telling what will be thrown at us next.

(Suddenly, the pop machine begins to spew Mountain Dew cans at ALE)

Mo'gons:  NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!  RUN!!!!

(meanwhile back at the ALE pub)

All:  99 BOTTLES OF JACK ON THE WALL 99 BOTTLES OF JACK......

(back at the Lair of Doom)

Shaidar: (panting)  This place has more confusing mazes and traps than a Blizzard press release

Pixie: Do you think we're ever going to reach the end?
Dixie:  That damn Mountain Dew stained my bow tie.

Landru:   My sensors detect something ahead.

(The ALE members stagger forward to a massive set of bronze doors)

Etherdragon:  Again, I must marvel at the fact that we are in the office of a software company.

Shaidar:  These things are huge, how are we going to get them open?

(Suddenly a voice booms from the darkness)

Voice:  Ye must answer me these questions three!  Ere the other side ye see!

Tatia:  I've seen this before

Voice:  What are your names?

Shaidar:  We're the assorted members of ALE

Voice:  What is your quest?

Landru:  We seek Diablo 2

Voice:  What wine goes good with a meal of assorted vegetables, rye potatoes, and Salisbury steak.

Mo'gons: (whispering) me not know this one.

Dark Acid:  Hold on guys, computing now....(makes whirring sounds) It's a trick question.  Everyone knows Konyak goes with that meal!

Voice:  Shit! No one has ever gotten it right before.  Well fine, I'll open the doors.

(With a massive creak the huge doors open)

Announcer #2: meanwhile

Incubus:  Yyyou take that back about my wife.

Linger:  You don't have a wife.

Incubus: Sshut up!

Announcer #2: back at the Lair

(The ALE infiltration team stares at a package mounted atop an ornate dais of jewels and gold)

Shaidar:  You just know that we're going to be in trouble if we take that thing.

Dark Acid:  My sensors say that if you place an object of equal weight on the pillar after taking Diablo 2, it won't set off any alarms.

Pixie: I bet Dixie weighs about that much.
Dixie: Shut up Pixie, I'm not going to spend eternity on that pillar while you guys play Diablo 2!

Shaidar:  I've got it, I'll use all my unpaid Everquest bills!  They should be weighty enough!

(Shadiar produces a massive stack of carbon paper.  He slowly approaches the package, then carefully lifts it off, and replaces it with the bills)

Shaidar:  There, that wasn't so hard now was it.

(suddenly alarms begin to sound)

Shaidar:  Shit!  Too heavy.

Etherdragon:  RUN!

(The ALE members run out just as a massive door begins to slam shut.  All of them make it through but Mo'gons hesitates)

Landru:  What the fuck are you doing?

Mo'gons:  Mo'gons forgot his lucky hat
 

Tatia: You don't wear a hat!

Mo'gons:  Oh yeah, sorry.

( The ALE members flee through the crumbling lair, chased by angry savages.  Finally they make it over the wall and outside)

Tatia:  Where the hell are the other guys?

Dark Acid:  I knew it, we're doomed.

(Suddenly the ALE mobile comes careening through a crowd of savages, the door opens to reveal an extremely drunk Mouno)

Mouno:  Hey guyssh, needa lift?

Shaidar:  Hell yes, move over Mouno!

Mouno: Nonshense, I drive better when I've had a few *hic*

Announcer:  Later safely back at the ALE pub, the members crowd around a computer.

Dark Magus:  All right plug it in, plug it in!

Biguns:  Here it comes!  Wait a minute, that's not Diablo 2!

Shaidar:  What the hell?  The Lost Vikings© collection?!  What the fuck is going on here!

Incubus:  You idiots!  You stole from Blizzards Archives!

Optimus:  ¡Que Loco!

Tatia:  Well, I guess we've all learned a valuable lesson today.

Hot Lips:  What's that.

Tatia:  Next time, you guys can haul your asses through hell, I need a drink.

Shaidar:  Don't we all Tatia, don't we all.

Incubus:  I think I'm going to be sick

Announcer:  And so, another thrilling ALE adventure leaves them no closer to Diablo 2.  Maybe next time guys

All: SHUT UP!