The Ale Adventures

Or: What Happens To the Ale Members when Shaidar is passed out Drunk

Bigun and Rahl are stepping off the ship with Messhif running fast to catch up to them.

Messhif: Sirs! You promised me a tip this time�

Rahl: Oh yeah! Don�t eat Sand Maggot eggs... they�re nasty.

Messhif: I was thinking more in the lines of gold�

Bigun: Right you are. Rahl?

>The 2 start a round of Rock-Paper-Scissors. After about an hour of this, Messhif throws his hands up and walks away in disgust. The ALE pair shrug their shoulders and wander off.

Rahl: �so we head off to Act 4, and whoever kills Diablo this time wins right?

Bigun: absolutely, and this time "Your shoes are untied" trick isn�t going to work�

>As the 2 were about to pass Ormus, a flash of light catches their eyes. As they turn to face the source of the light, they spy a familiar figure staggering precariously on the Water Bridge.

Bigun: Hey, it�s X-Slayer! I thought he was still trying to kill Andriel. Hey, X!!

X-Slayer: Hunh?! What?!

>X-slayer quickly turns around to the general direction of the voice calling out to him and promptly falls into the water. Bigun and Rahl rush to where he fell off. Bubbles are steadily coming from deep underneath the murky surface.

Bigun: Do we go after him?

Rahl: I dunno. Do Paladins swim?

Bigun His armor looked pretty heavy�

Rahl: What do you think I�m wearing? A Floatation device??

>The bubbles stopped coming up.

Rahl: uhhh� can you die in town?

Bigun: not that I know of, but there�s a first time for everything.

Rahl: Hand me your pike.

>Rahl jabs at the water roughly where the bubbles came from. More bubbles suddenly appear sounding like a gurgling scream.

Rahl: I think I got something.

>Rahl heaves the pike mightily out of the water revealing X-Slayer on the other end. Rahl plops him on the bridge.

Bigun: Hey, look. X-Slayer on a stick�

>X-Slayer spits out the seaweed caught in this mouth.

X-Slayer: You know you missed my head by inches�

Rahl: Oh, relax. No vital organs were endangered.

Bigun: Good God, you�re blind stinking drunk (..again). Where the hell do you get beer around here?

>X-Slayer grins and points towards Asheara�s hut.

X-Slayer: Asheara may be a mean ugly bitch but she�s no ALE squirrel. You could outdrink her easy.

Bigun: uhhh, maybe later� <shivers at the thought of seeing Asheara up close>

Rahl: What are you doing here?

X-Slayer: ..drowning.

Rahl: I meant before that! Why aren�t you in the bush?

X-Slayer�speaking of bush, did you know that Asheara has hers shaved in a mini-mohawk? It�s kinda cute.

Rahl: WHOA!! I did not want to know that! I meant why aren�t you out killing monsters?

X-Slayer: I�m kinda stuck here. I keep dying.

Bigun: A High Paladin of the Knights of Westmarch beaten??

X-Slayer: you bet your bippy�

Bigun: Which was it? Council members? Unique Zakarum Priests? �Mephisto?

X-Slayer: �flayers.

Rahl: �flayers?

X-Slayer: yeah flayers�.and Shamans too.

Bigun: �.flayers? Little guys, yea big, afros.. those flayers?

X-Slayer: yep. Nasty bastards.

>Rahl and Bigun roll their eyes.

X-Slayer: hey I ain�t kidding, those guys beat me everytime. I can�t even get any of Khalim�s body parts because of those stupid midgets.

Rahl: AWW, cmon! What can those little things do?

X-Slayer: I�ll show ya. Go to the docks, I�ll use the waypoint to the flayer jungle.

>Bigun and Rahl shrug their shoulders and walk back to the docks. Minutes later, X-Slayer materializes burnt and naked.

Bigun: �and this happens a lot?

X-Slayer: every freaking time! I�m not really black; I just get burnt a lot.

Rahl: That�s it. We�re going back into that jungle and figure out what�s wrong with you.

>Bigun grabs X-Slayer before he could run away and drags him kicking and screaming to the waypoint. Several minutes later, amid dozens of dead flayer bodies�

Rahl: Hey X! I found your corpse!

Bigun: hmmm, seems to be medium rare, in a fetal position and sucking its thumb.

X-Slayer: hey, dying might be the "glorious" thing to do the first time but the last 10 times sucked!!

Bigun: ok, lets see what you have here. Hellplague, Sigon shield, (good) gemmed skullcap, light potions (crap) what the fuck? A Massive Dildo of Ecstasy?!!

X-Slayer: That�s a unique item I found in the Kurast Bazaar. I thought I might give it to one of the girls..

Rahl: yeah, riiight.

>Bigun stops X-Slayer before he could draw his sword.

Bigun: ok, what are your skills?

X-Slayer: zeal and thorns.

Bigun: �and?

X-Slayer: and what? What and? That�s it!

>Bigun and Rahl roll their eyes up again

Bigun: you need help.

Rahl: Duhhh!

X-Slayer: Shut the fuck up, Rahl!

Bigun: We�ll start with your inventory. You and Rahl go back to the Rogue�s camp.

X-Slayer: you mean go back to that heathen place of drunken debauchery and sexual free-for-alls?

Bigun: yes

X-Slayer: Cool! I�m due for a break. Where will you be?

Bigun: You�ll see..

>Bigun grins and promptly begins to fade into nothingness until all that�s left is his grin.

X-Slayer: Does he do that a lot?

Rahl: You should see him when he lags. One time, when he was stiff with lag, 3000GT and I stripped him naked, smeared him with whipped cream and gathered all of the Sand Leapers in the area to lick it off him.

X-Slayer: You�re mean bastards!

Rahl: I know, GT and I laughed our heads off!

Meanwhile, amid the drunken debauchery and sexual free-for-alls in the Rogue Encampment, Shaidar Haran, ALE�s very own legend-in-his-mind founder, slowly realizes he�s conscious.

Shaidar: hey, where is everyone?

>Female voices are coming from Gheed�s wagon.

IdahoChick: Most of them took off after you passed out.

Shaidar: so why are you still here?

>Kashya pokes her head out of the wagon.

Kashya: some of us are having fun.

>Shaidar�s jaw drops and feints with a cold plop.

>IdahoChick and Tatia poke their heads out too.

Tatia: Why do they keep doing that?

>Just then Rahl and X-Slayer arrive thru the gates just as Pixie&Dixie materializes near the stash chest. Rahl almost steps on Pixie.

Rahl: Holy shit! I thought these things were only in the caves.

>IncubusRex appears out of nowhere in glee.

IncubusRex: RAT STOMP!! RAT STOMP!!

>Everyone awake jumps up to stomp on Pixie & Dixie.

X-Slayer: fast little fuckers�

IncubusRex: yeah, almost like they�ve done this before.

Dixie: Will you guys CUT IT OUT!!

>Everyone stop and stare in stunned amazement.

IncubusRex: TALKING MICE STOMP!! TALKING MICE STOMP!!

>The stomping continues, jarring Shaidar into consciousness again. He blearily stares at the running mice eye-level to his prone body.

Shaidar: Pixie? Dixie?

>X-Slayer stops in mid stomp

X-Slayer: No way! Last I heard they were eaten by EtherDragon and presumed digested.

Rahl: I never met a cartoon celebrity before. <picks up Dixie by the tail> Is it a he or a she?

>Dixie bites Rahl's finger viciously as he tries to prod Dixie�s nether regions. Rahl drops Dixie.

Dixie: PERVERT!!

>Pixie&Dixie scurries at full speed into Gheed�s wagon. A split second of silence is followed by women screaming, arrows flying with fire and ice spells being cast in quick succession. Washu, Linger and Hoz were in the Dark Woods playing when they see the huge fireball in the night sky.

Washu: That looked like it came from the rogue�s camp.

Linger: You don�t think Diablo attacked the camp?

>Washu and Hoz stare at Linger.

Washu: We�re in the fucking first Act! Diablo doesn�t even show his face till the third act.

Linger: oh yeah.

Hoz: Why don�t we head back and see what�s going on.

Linger: Good idea. I�m Thirsty.

>They all head for the waypoint. As they appear in the Rogue�s encampment, they are met with a bizarre sight. Tents half-frozen in ice and half-blazing in fire. Arrows are sticking out of everything. IdahoChick is half-naked in the middle of all this holding a mouse in each hand. A naked Kashya is walking towards them.

IdahoChick: Did you see the 3^rd segment of "Survivor"?

Pixie&Dixie: <gulp>

Kashya: I got the sticks!

>Washu immediately recognizes the 2 mice.

Washu: Oh My God!! Its Pixie&Dixie!!

IdahoChick: Huh? What? Who?

Washu: That�s Pixie&Dixie! They�re famous cartoon characters!

>IdahoChick and Kashya stare blankly at Washu.

Washu: �TV? Cartoon network, you know!!

IdahoChick: I don�t watch cartoons�

Kashya: It�s hard getting cable here, all I get is the networks.

>The rest of the ALE crew slowly start to poke their heads out of their respective hiding places. They all spot IdahoChick and Kashya in their state of undress.

ALE MEN: ooooooOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!

>Kashya and IdahoChick now realizing they�re giving a free show to a bunch of perverts, quickly dash into Charsi�s Blacksmith shop.

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