| ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Dear Abby, Our experience with those two words has never been very good, but I'm trying to work on it. There are certain things that can't be said in person, and certain things that can, and this is one of the things that can't. The first letter should have been in person and I'm sorry that it was ever mailed. I can't say that if I could I would go back and change the way things happened, because I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. Meeting you was the biggest leap of fate I've ever had in my life. Going through everything we've gone through only makes me believe that even more. It was necessary for me to go to Africa to realize how much you mean to me, and I was almost stupid enough to lose you again. I know things have been difficult lately, between trying to deal with�well you know. You deserve so much more than this hand you've been dealt in life, and I don't deserve to have your love after everything I've put you through. I need to go away for a couple weeks, away from everything. I'm not sure where yet, but I need to take a break and reevaluate some things in my life. I'll call you when I get back. Merry Christmas. -Carter ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Dear Kem, All of my life I've only wanted two things. The first is to fall in love and start the family that I never had. The other is to be truthful with myself and know my own limitations. I have to admit that I haven't been truthful with you in the past year since we met in Africa. I haven't told you things that should have been said, and I don't even know how to begin to say that in a letter, but it's less painful than trying to say it in person. Three years ago, I was stabbed in the back by a schizophrenic patient. After the stabbing, I was depressed and became addicted to pain killers. I would shoot anything into my veins that I thought would make this horrible pain that I was living with go away. I ended up going to rehab and I've been clean ever since. I pretended I was normal again after that, but I was never the same person I had been before. I had this weight on my conscience. For some reason that went away when I got to Kisangani. I saw that there were people I could help and it would somehow add to the greater good of the world, and I thought I was repenting for the way I had abused my privileged life in the past. When I went to the Congo, I was running away from my problems and my life here in Chicago. Meeting you, hearing about your life and your work and everything changed my life because everyone in Chicago knows who I am, knows about my family�my life. All anyone knew in Africa was that I was Dr. John from America and that I was there to help them. I thought that if I changed my life, I could change myself, but I'm still the same person that I was a year ago, and that makes what I'm about to say all the more difficult. I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want to�God knows I do�and Kem, I love our baby and I wouldn't change anything and the way it's happened, but as my wife, I have to admit to you what I'm really feeling here. I understand if you're mad at me, but I think we've both been feeling this for a while. I'm going to Boston. Actually, if you're reading this and I'm not there, I'm already in Boston. I'll only be gone for a few weeks, I'm going to stay with my father. You can call me there if you need to, but we can discuss everything when I get back. I'm sorry�..Merry Christmas. -John ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* One read the letter with tears in her eyes, wondering what would happen next. Wasn't it yesterday that they were happy? She had tried to make him happy, she thought he was happy, when did everything go wrong? The truth was, however, that she had noticed something was wrong. It wasn't that it was obvious, a lasting glance every once in a while, a sigh that was released at a strange time. But she had blamed it on stress�from working too hard. She had awoken that morning and reached out to rub his arm, but he was gone, and in his place, this letter on his pillow. She held her breathe as she used her finger to open the envelope and then cursed as the paper dug into her finger, leaving a small, but painful cut. A single piece of paper had fallen out of the envelope and she picked it up as she placed her finger on her mouth to soothe the abrasion. The next thing she knew, she couldn't tell the difference between the blood now in her mouth and the salty tears running down her face. The other read the letter expressionless, holding her breathe until she ran out of words to read. She had arrived at the hospital and opened her locker to find an envelope with her name written on it in his neat handwriting. She had wanted to open it then, to wonder what it was about, but couldn't bear to go through another disaster as she had in May. So she had tucked it into her coat before putting the coat in her locker, so she wouldn't forget it when she went home again. And that was when she had finally opened it, several hours later, while sipping a mug full of hot tea. She wondered when he would come back. She wondered if he would break her heart again, worse this time if it was possible. She wondered if things could possibly start going right for once. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |