| ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ABBY'S POV "You're going to the party tonight right?" Susan asks as she and I are entering the lounge at the end of our shifts. "No, I don't think so." It's been three weeks since I broke it off with Carter. I still don't think it's a good idea to go to this Christmas party that is being held at the Carter Family Mansion and pretend that I'm happy. Year by year, Christmas gets a little worse for me. "Come on, you might have fun." I shoot her a look that screams cynicism. "Carter's been back for months. We didn't go to the wedding, but this is a Christmas party. We should at least be a little sociable. You don't even have to see him or talk to him, everyone else is going to be there. You can just hang with me." "I don't think Chuck will like that." "Screw Chuck." "Susan, he's your husband." "Exactly. Besides, you like Chuck, Chuck likes you, you spend time together. In fact, you can just stay with Chuck the entire night!" "Are you really going to make me go to this thing?" "Yes, I think you need to get out more." "Fine. I'll go." If it gets her to stop whining at me, I'll do anything. Besides, she didn't say I have to stay the whole time. I'll make an appearance for an hour and then go home. "Good. We'll pick you up at 6:30." Susan leaves and I wonder what the hell I am doing. I have no right going to Carter's house and pretending like nothing is going on. However, four hours later, I find myself sitting in my apartment, fully dressed, waiting to get picked up. I look at my watch again, seeing 6:40 staring back at me. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and I grab my coat and go answer it. "Hey." Chuck smiles at as I open the door. "You look good, Susan is down in the car. She was on the phone so she asked me to come grab you." I exit the apartment and lock the front door as I follow Chuck back down the stairs in the building. I pull the coat around me as we exit the building. It's the middle of December and Chicago is as frigid as ever. "Oh my god, I love those boots!" Susan screeches as I get into the backseat of the car. To tell the truth, I love the whole outfit I put together. I had forgotten I had bought this knee-length black suede skirt last year until I was going through my closet. I don't really have an opportunity to dress up very often, and bought it when Carter and I were still dating. The black turtleneck shirt keeps it casual, while the black stockings with the mid-calf boots add the perfect touch. "Who were you on the phone with?" I ask, as we start driving towards the other side of town. "Oh, Chloe." Susan turns around and answers. "I didn't know you two were on speaking terms." "We're not. She was just calling to check in." Susan rolls her eyes and then faces forward again. The rest of the ride is spent pretty much in silence, except for the small talk every once in a while. "Okay ladies, here we are." Chuck says as we near the house and see other people arriving as well, walking towards the front door. This house still enchants me, even though I've been here several times. I remember when I crashed Carter's grandfather's funeral and showed up to be with John. That was actually the first time I had been to the mansion. I knocked on the door, unsure of what the reaction would be, and it was my first glance into this life that he had been captured in his entire life, and it threw me off. We get out of the car and I smooth down my skirt as we walk towards the door. Susan goes to ring the doorbell as we reach the door, but it opens before she has a chance. There is Carter's wife in all her glory, holding her son in her arms. "Hi Kem! Merry Christmas." Susan smiles in usual Susan fashion and gives her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. I watch as she then smiles again and touches the baby's foot. "Hi Arden!" "You're in trouble." I whisper to Chuck, so that the other two can't hear us. "She's got babies on the mind again." Chuck chuckles and then greets Kem before following his wife, which leaves just me. I stand there awkwardly for a moment as someone calls her name from inside the house and she turns to respond. "Merry Christmas Abby." She smiles at me when she turns around. Even though I've spent the last several months hating this woman for having the life that I could have had, I can't really blame her. "Merry Christmas." I force a smile. "I'm so glad you could come. I know that you're one of John's oldest friends, and it really means a lot to him to have all his friends around during the holidays, especially with his grandmother gone now." Thankfully I don't have to come up with a response to this because more people have arrived and Kem welcomes them as I walk into the main room. Basically, everyone I've ever seen even step foot in the hospital in now at this party. I look around for Susan and see her standing in deep conversation with Jing-Mei. A bar has been assembled on one side of the room and I see Chuck standing getting drinks. I keep looking around the room when I turn and I see Carter talking to Chuny. But right as I see him, his eyes look over and meet mine. Quickly, I look away and strike up a conversation with the first person I see, which happens to be Chuck returning with the drinks. "Hey, you having fun yet?" He jokes and I laugh. "No, I'll tell you when I am though." "I got to get this to Susan or else I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight." Chuck gestures towards the glass in his hand. "See you later." I'm standing against a wall, taking in the surroundings of everyone else seeming to have a good time, while I don't even know where to begin. I fold my arms across my chest and, seeing a door close by, sneak away. The room that I've chosen to escape to appears to be an office. I sit down on the couch, but something catches my eye on the desk. So letting my curiosity take over, I walk around and pick up one of the picture frames sitting on the dark oak. His face is the same as his father's. It's not as noticeable when you're with him, but this picture accentuates it. I wonder if I'll ever have this. A family. I don't even realize that a stray tear has made it's way down my face until a feel the wet trail and quickly wipe it away. I must be totally oblivious to everything because I don't even hear the door open until it closes again and he is standing there in front of, looking concerned, and I quickly replace the picture in its original spot. "Are you okay?" He asks, slowly walking towards me. I'm not okay, I'll never be okay, I'm stuck in this world which likes to play evil games on me. "Yeah, just got something in my eye." To make my point I rub my eye and attempt to form a smile to assure him that I'm fine. "You should get back out there. This is your party. It's a great one, by the way." "It was Kem's idea." He sits down on the couch and runs his hand through his hair as I lean against the desk. "He's beautiful��" I manage to say, after a moment of neither one of us saying anything. Then I realize that that was a terribly vague statement. "Arden, I mean. You were born to be a father." I watch as he smiles and I smile too. Suddenly I feel my feet moving towards him, and while my head is screaming for me to stop, I can't do it. I'm now standing in front of him and he looks up at me with this look in his eyes that I can't describe. He places his hands on either side of my hips. "You're so beautiful." He whispers into the soft material of my shirt as he rests his head against my stomach. Goosebumps immediately form on my arms as his warm breathe goes through the fabric and hits my skin. "John��." I murmur. "We can't do this." I feel his grasp on me slip away and I look down and his head is in his hands. I sit down next to him and wrap my arms around his neck. "I love you." I mutter as I start to cry again. "I love you so much John, but I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other." I take my right hand and put it on the side of his face facing away from me and kiss the cheek that's closest. After my lips move away, my hand remains and I turn his head to look at me. No words can be spoken. There's nothing either one of us can say. All the words have been spoken. I stare into his dark eyes on more time before standing up and walking towards the door. I'm too afraid to turn around, but I know he is watching me. As I reach the door, I wipe my eyes one last time and then reach for the knob. When I make it back to the large room, I look up and see Susan staring at me from across the room. I avoid her gaze and rush as fast as I can to the nearest bathroom. Once inside, I go to grab a tissue and catch my reflection in the mirror. I still look the same, my eyes are a little red, but you would never be able to tell I had been crying. I smile to convince myself I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm okay. I repeat. I sniff one more time and throw the tissue away. I take one more glance in the mirror and then I pick my head up high and walk back out the door. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |