| Part 9 - At the bottom of the well Sometimes I remember that night, that last fateful night, with absolute clarity, whereas at other times I fear everything might disappear in a blur as if I had only imagined it. What I remember is that we took a taxi to the heart of the Marais, a quarter on the right bank of the Seine, to the Place des Vosges where Armand, as I was told, owned a splendid town residence dating back to the 16th century. Well after midnight it must have been then. No stars above us, only some bizarre clouds rushing along an overcast sky faintly reflecting the bright city lights. Soft rain sprinkling on our faces when we crossed the quadrangle square heading for the magnificent town houses that came into sight behind the trees at the centre of the square. And again a marvellous interior, this time a lavish 16th century salon, marble floors, chandeliers, antique furniture ... whatever. It seemed to be the rule for Armand to surround himself with opulence and luxury, but I no longer had eyes for this. By the time we sat down in one of the salons to wait for him I was completely worn down from walking endlessly through the streets earlier that night and feeling a tad inebriated from the red wine I had gulped down thoughtlessly while wandering around. Therefore, I was no longer nervous or frightened -- even if I subliminally dreaded that long awaited confrontation -- but only tired, endlessly tired. In the person opposite me I sensed a certain tenseness - or could it be anticipation? This attitude combined with the drowsiness I felt made our attempts to continue a conversation fall short. And even if it seems hard to believe, at some time or other sleep overwhelmed me -- no matter that just vis-�-vis a vampire was sitting I had met only an hour before and that we were both waiting for someone who in the past had turned out to be a very dangerous and totally unpredictable creature. I don't know how long I slept, but all of sudden I heard voices, hushed voices at first. "You? Is it really you?" I could not open my eyes, but I saw -- as if in a dream -- Armand's face blank with amazement, his dark chestnut eyes widened by surprise. "Daniel ?!" he whispered barely audible stretching out his right hand to touch the young man's face but stopped at the very last moment, uncertain if the other one would accept this gesture. "Yes ... it's been ... quite a while...", Daniel answered, a thin smile on his lips. But instantly Armand had regained control over his feelings, his face froze again. "Why did you come?" he demanded in a cold accusing voice. "During all those years I did not even catch a glimpse of you! And now you appear here in this very house as if you left only yesterday ..." At that moment he must have discovered me lying on a settee in one corner of the huge room and exclaimed angrily: "What's this supposed to mean? Why did you bring her here?" "What are you up to, Armand?" Daniel asked in return, quietly ignoring the ice-cold interrogations. "Are going you to start a new game of hide-and-seek with those two kids?" "And if I was, why should it matter to you? You did leave me, have you forgotten that, my "beautiful boy"?" Ah, how contemptuous and disdainful that silky voice sounded! "Just take a glance at you and then tell me who of us looks more of a boy. What's the fancy stuff that you're wearing? That's Gucci?" "No, in fact it's Dolce & Gabbana, but ...." "A-ha, thought so," Daniel replied scornfully, letting his fingers run along the front of Armand's designer shirt. "The clothes of an elegant high-price prostitute -- that's exactly how you look!" "Enough!" Armand hissed and slapped him hard across the face. "You leave this house instantly! I won't put up with your insults one second longer!" Daniel did not even flinch when he was hit, but quickly caught the hand that had hurt him, his eyes piercing Armand's enraged gaze. "You know very well why I left you. I couldn't stand that cold stare of yours any longer. No, that's not true, you did not even stare at me, you stared right through me as if I was not even there. You were about to kill all the love I ever had for you with your merciless indifference. After all those years in which you hunted me down! When you finally had me, you lost interest -- I ceased to exist for you!" "Yes, all those years ..., "Armand replied, as if having just woken from a dream. "But I am not the cold pitiless monster you believe me to be. Now, I am well aware that "hunting you down", as you put it, in fact was merciless beyond words. And believe it or not, today I regret, yes, I really regret, some of the things I did to you. However, -- and I know you will never forgive me if I say so -- those twelve years were the happiest time of my life ...." "So that's the reason why you were seeking new toys to play with?" "Well, maybe. But you see, when I laid first eyes on Linn in Venice it was as if I had found again someone I had believed to have lost forever. The same golden curls, the same graceful figure, those delicate little freckles on her nose, her soft ringing laughter ..." He knelt down before me and traced the contours of my face tenderly, but then he broke off abruptly and quickly rose again. "Take her away! It makes me furious to look at her. If I cannot have her, bring her over, I'd rather kill her! If I see her lying like this, I'd like to spread her legs violently ... I'd love to rape her, violate her, beat her up and do everything to ravage that beautiful body until it's no longer beautiful, but a bloody lump of flesh!" His voice had grown louder and louder, almost hysterical, and his hands had started to tremble -- like a mad saint he looked now. Stepping up to him Daniel grabbed him by the shoulders. "Armand, what is it? What has happened to you?" Armand shook off his hands angrily: "You better go now ...Leave, I pray you ..." "No, I won't go," Daniel quietly persisted, not moving an inch away. " Not until you've told me what's going on ..." Armand stood still like a statue, a frail angel fallen from the kingdom of grace. After what seemed ages he finally replied in a low broken voice. "All right. You may have your revenge now. You may see me humiliated, at last. A victim of my own tangled feelings ..." Daniel took both his hands gently and looked at him, concerned, full of sympathy. "Armand, I never wanted to see you humiliated. Believe me. Seeing you desperate like this doesn't bring me any satisfaction and I certainly would not like to repeat the game we only know too well with changed roles now." "Oh, you're so God damned noble, aren't you?" Armand sneered. "And you're so pissed off that you don't recognize the most obvious thing right before your eyes!" "Which would be?" "That I love you! I have never stopped loving you. And I wish we could have worked out living together ..." Finally, Armand looked up to him, his eyes blind with red tears. "I wished that, too. There is nothing to keep me going any more. I feel the darkness devouring me, stretching its hands out to me. Even when I'm awake I seem to be dreaming and I seem to hear voices. They call on me. Are they angels? Or demons? It doesn't matter any longer. I've lost my faith entirely. What are Lestat's extravagant tales to me that he's seen the Devil? He and I, we have always been good at telling stories like that, but where's the proof that there's any truth in it?" He shook his beautiful mane in despair. Crestfallen, he seemed, defeated. "My eternal life consists of nothing but desolate failures and disappointments. Just think of my "loving master", was I ever of any importance to him? Why didn't he come looking for his "beloved", oh so precious Amadeo in all the centuries I was lost to him?" "But that's pointless now. My coven has vanished a long time ago and so has the Theatre. And the ones whose friendship or even affection would have been everything to me, they have refused me time and again. Never did they accept me, they only held scorn for me. That's what Lestat said right in my face and when it comes to Louis --our gentle and sensitive Louis ... Well, of course, he would never have articulated something like that. Politely he bore my company year after year, but maybe that was even worse -- being tied to someone who doesn't really love you. So what reason should I have to go on?" "And what about me? I did love you." "Yes, you did love me. But you, too, could not stand my company any longer ..." "As you could not stand mine ..." "Ah, Daniel, "he sighed, his face expressionless, his dark eyes empty. "If you stare long enough into an abyss the abyss will engulf you. Oh, I am so weary of those eternal nights, of that endless parade of perpetual returns. I keep dreaming of the sun, of the flames of oblivion ..." Daniel gripped him by the shoulders frantically: "No! It can't end like this!" "But it will ... ," Armand replied in a low dreamy voice. "You're right, I started playing with those two as I hoped they could give me a "raison d'�tre" as you once did. But I can't find the key to their souls. They're still strangers to me I'm not able to understand. Almost every night I spend with Tyler and, although he is not willing to accept what I really am, he adores me like a god. But what is his surrender to me? His passion cannot warm my heart". "Maybe you weren't so bitter if you made love only to those you really love," Daniel answered, not being able to hold back a certain resentful undertone. "Tell me, Daniel, you have been following me?" "Yes, I heard rumours about you a few months ago, that you had taken on some new pets. Naturally, I became curious and I thought why not drop in at your place here in Paris. Well, I did, and I can't say I liked what I saw then". "I can hardly believe that, "Armand smiled wearily. "You are jealous?" "Yes, I am. What d'you think?" his fledgling shot back at him. "When I saw the two of you together ... ," Daniel took a deep breath, trying to avoid the dark maroon eyes following each of his moves. Hardly audible he continued: "I wished it would have been me you covered with kisses. I wished that I 'd feel your cool hands on me. I wished you would be drinking my blood while you were fucking me ..." "You wished that?" Armand replied questioningly, gently turning Daniel's face to meet his gaze again. "Yes, and I still wish it," Daniel whispered hoarsely starting to unbutton Armand's flowery shirt with trembling fingers, his hand stretching out to touch the delicate curve of the neck under the auburn curls. "Let me be your guardian angel for once to save you from the darkness reaching out to you ..." he breathed against Armand's face. "We were never very good at sorting out things with words, were we?" Armand answered with a sad ironical smile, closing his eyes and giving himself over only too willingly to Daniel's caresses. "No, we had better ways than that", Daniel whispered before his lips closed on Armand's. A shy, timid kiss this was, as if he was afraid that Armand might stop him at the very last moment by making an acrid statement. But Armand, for once, seemed not inclined to do so. Instead he answered the kiss just as tenderly at first, but then more and more passionately, devouring Daniel's mouth greedily . "I love you too much to leave you like this, "Daniel sighed between kisses. "Too much to ever leave you." "Don't promise something you can't keep in the end ..." "Drink from me and you will know that I am not telling you lies". Daniel answered exposing his pale throat, offering himself. Slowly he pulled the grey sweater over his head, dropping it carelessly to the floor along with the white T-shirt he had worn underneath. "Drink!" he demanded seductively. Armand couldn't keep his eyes off him, but there was still this bitter smile on his lips. "How I wish you could heal me, " he sighed and placed a tender kiss on Daniel's neck. "But I'm past all this. It's too late." "No, that's not true! Leave the past behind you and ..." "Oh, Daniel, if it could be as easy as that!", he turned away and shook his head in desperation, his voice wavering. "I'm walking through the night like in a trance. You remember I always used to call on those who wanted to die. Now, I feel as if I'm the one to be called ..." "But I also remember you saying that you would never seek to end it, that you were frightened of death right "to the marrow of your bones". "There's little left now that frightens me any longer, you know," Armand replied calmly his hands gently tracing the shimmering contours of Daniel's naked torso. "But what could be more terrifying than the miserable lonely life I lead now, an existence without purpose, a never-ending series of tragic misunderstandings and catastrophes." "So be done with it!" Daniel answered with determination, cupping Armand's face with his hands. "It is time for you to come to terms with your past after all. Let us revisit all those places where you have suffered and then say good-bye to them. Leave them behind you so that they can no longer hurt you!" "You 're saying: let us go. You'd come with me?" "Yes, I want you so much to be strong again, hungry for life again. The dark saint I've always adored and ... loved!" For the first time a real smile appeared on Armand's lips. "My, my, Daniel, you never give up, don't you?" "When it comes to you -- no, never! And you know how persistent I can be. Believe me, there is nothing in the world I'd want more than to see you happy again. I'd even accept to share you with these two if I thought you'd actually love them. And if you really decide to bring them over, do it! But do it right now. Don't seek them out year after year, don't repeat this cruel game again." Armand turned away and walked over to one of the huge mirrors. He stared at the reflection of their faces in the gilded frame. "I would have brought them over already, but I was worried which effect the blood would have on them. For you it was a cure, it brought back your sanity, but you already knew about us. With them, however, it seems different, they claim to be rational modern souls, but inside they're frail and fearful. I'm afraid being confronted with the brutal reality of our existence would damage them irreparably. I could never forget what I had to do to Nicki, so I would never, under no circumstances take the risk of creating an insane vampire." "So let us leave now," Daniel whirled him around enthusiastically. "Let's start the journey into your past right here in Paris, what place could be better! Having done my own researches years ago, I know that there's nothing left of the "Theatre des Vampires", that whole quarter has been changed so much over the centuries that you'd never recognise it again. But let's go underground and see whether we can find the catacombs of "Les Innocents" again. And then back to Venice! Let's face the ghosts from your past so that you can take your leave of them! Forgive Lestat, forgive Marius and, first of all, learn how to forgive yourself!" Daniel's enthusiasm almost appeared to be infectious. At least it did not leave Armand unimpressed as for the first time he seemed to be able to free himself from the grip of desperation in which he had been trapped before. "Now I know what you did when you've been away...," he was mocking his lover. "You must have spent many, many hours on the couch of a therapist ..." "Good to see your sarcastic humour return. But Armand, it's obvious, you have to learn to forgive yourself, to love yourself. You're so afraid to let someone get close to you because you always fear that you'll be rejected in the end. So you'd rather fend off the ones who love you with your nasty games and give them a reason for leaving than risk they themselves might find a reason to desert you. " Armand's eyes were gleaming like precious stones in the darkness, the old fire flickering again. "Oh, Danny-boy, you know me from inside out, don't you? At least I know now what I've missed: those endless arguments, those never-ending discussions about life, love and everything." Triumphantly, Daniel placed his hand on Armand's throat drawing the boyish figure slowly towards him: "That's all you've missed, my "loving master"?" "No, and you know that very well ...,"Armand replied lasciviously guiding Daniel's hand between his legs. Daniel moaned, a smile on his lips. "So come on, let's go now. Although it's not much left of this night I would like to spend the rest of it together with you. Not here, but in the cheap hotel where I'm staying at the moment. And this time there will be no third parties involved, no paid boys or girls for me to bed. Only you and me!" "Ah, what will be left of me, Daniel, when you cure me of all my vices?" "I am well aware that you can't be cured. You're incorrigible. But I love you the way you are. And I would be a liar and a hypocrite if I denied that these games thrill me, too. Sometimes. But not tonight. Tonight I want to see my passion reflected in your eyes and loose myself in your embrace ..." "So be it then, caro," Armand replied swiftly, picking up the garments on the floor and tossing them in his Daniel's direction. "We'll leave Linn here and tomorrow when she wakes up she'll be free, and so will be Tyler and all that has happened will seem a dream to them, a nightmare perhaps that will fade as time passes by." He kissed me good-bye and when I felt his cool breath on my face and the fiery passion of his kiss I so much wanted to wake up and embrace him and tell him that I had been mistaken, so terribly wrong! That he couldn't leave me like this! But I couldn't move, I could not even open my eyes, I only heard him whisper in my ear. "Forget me, forget all that has happened, but do not forget that I loved you." And with that they were gone. *** I woke up the next morning with the sun shining on my face. My head was aching terribly and I hardly managed to open my eyes to face the harsh light. I looked around and suddenly all that had happened came back to me. Perhaps Armand's spell had not been strong enough, perhaps he had not even tried to mesmerize me this time since I had forgotten nothing, absolutely nothing. And all of a sudden -- I can't explain why -- I knew they were gone for good. That I would never ever see Armand again. Or Daniel. Gentle lavender-eyed Daniel. That it was over now. At last I had what I believed I had wanted. I should have been relieved and happy then. But I was not. On the contrary. The moment I woke up I knew I had made a dreadful mistake, a mistake I would regret the rest of my life. The promise on immortality had not been a lie, it dawned on me. It had been real as they had been real. What should I say Tyler now? What would he do if he found out that I had been begging to be released and that I had found someone who had answered my pleas? What if I had been able to accept this gift? What if? I closed my eyes, wishing it was night again. *** And what happened to Tyler and me afterwards? How happy had we set off for Venice once -- in another life time it seems to me now -- and how did we return? Lost souls. Angels with broken wings for whom the gates of heaven would be closed forever. Returning to our normal lives turned out to be impossible. And our relationship was ruined as well. We should have split up then, but that would only have increased the loneliness. Moreover, we felt that we could not risk to loose the one and only witness we had, the one person that had shared this experience. Disaster our days since then. Work, daily routines, sparse words, muted feelings. Disaster our nights. Tyler working me so fiercely, desperately, totally ignoring my pleas for tenderness. He did not care whether he hurt me or not. But I could not blame him, I did not even sense the pain as I felt like a stranger in my own body. I was like a lifeless puppet in his arms. When I looked into his eyes I could see the longing I would never be able to fulfil as he could not fulfil mine. And this is how the story ends. What more could I tell you? The rest is silence. Emptiness. Despair. And the realization that when you have come to the end of your journey, there is nothing but darkness. The End |
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