Willow is sick of
Cordelia and Harmony. She can't seem to even tolerate them with her special
mantra anymore //They will get married in a year, have five kids, go on welfare
and have bad perms// . She sighs and thinks about Angel in the library earlier.
He'd told her he liked her new sweater, pink with red butterfly appliqués. The
only person to notice. Not Xander. No, he was too busy running off to do naked
things with Faith. Faith and her bouncey bosoms and pretty eyes. Willow sighs.
She perks when she
sees a dejected Xander making his way towards her.
"Bad?"
She asks as he shuffles up to her.
"Foreign film
with no subtitles bad," he confesses with a sigh. "I think I may hate
this life."
She pats him on the
shoulder in consolation. "We'll work on it tonight. You know this stuff.
You just choked. You have to learn to loosen up a little. You get too nervous
in the test and you freeze. We need to make you a little test good luck
charm."
"Like
Dumbo," he says miserably.
"Suck it up
little camper, the day is still young."
He groans at that.
"Which means more classes. What tortures await me now?" She can see now that he looks more
bedraggled than she had picked up before. Where does he go next? Weird.
Hopefully not possession, but she will reserve mentioning it until he does
something *really * strange. Like being nice to Angel.
"The Giles
torture. It's your free period and you know he's going to grill you about
it."
"Hopefully
with a nice, lemon butter sauce? At least I can provide some enjoyment by being
a tasty, well prepared entrée?"
She grins.
"It'll be okay if you come over tonight?"
"Why wouldn't
it be?"
There's a lack of
eye contact, and Willow's looking a slightly too casually at the floor as they
walk down the hall. "I don't know. I thought maybe you and Faith had some
plans or something?"
He whoops out loud
and several people passing them turn to look. "Faith...and *me*? What
could possibly..." He pauses and then continues. "...be more
important to her than my scholastic success."
"She doesn't
like me." Understatement of the
year. Willow sometimes gets an almost jealous vibe from Faith. Always brushes
it off as wishful thinking or maybe pms.
"She doesn't
like anyone." That Willow can
believe. Shrew of the year. She chides herself for thinking that though,
Faith's had a hard life, and she had to come to a new place thousands of miles
from home and try to fit in with people custom fit to another person.
She looks at Xander
now, and *this* time she really looks into his eyes, all the way into his soul
and he shivers. That gives her a start.
Bad friend alert. Something's wrong, and she was too wrapped up in her
own miserable thoughts to notice.
"Are you happy
Xander?" She keeps her voice
placid, smoothes her hand over his arm.
He tenses, and his
eyes go off. It's the look. Knows it far too well, and her heart aches for him.
She closes her fingers around his arm and pulls him into the closest empty
classroom.
"What's wrong
Xander?" Smiles, pushes hair back
from her face and tries to radiate security and grounding. Instead of easy
confession of some minor infraction or even a weak excuse, Xander's hands start
to shake. His face flushes, and he reaches one hand out to brace himself on the
desk on his right.
"God, Xander. What's wrong?"
There's the beginning of panic in her question.
At the tremble in
her voice, his eyes light on hers, and he snatches one of her hands in his
left. Rubs circles on her palm and smiles in a cock-eyed kinda way. Willow
catches her breath, struggling to keep it even and natural. Tingles run up her
arm from the place Xander's caressing, and she's scared he can see all the
illicit thoughts flying around in her mind.
"Nothing."
His tone much calmer than before. "It's nothing. I've just been a little
keyed up lately, that's all." She
wants to believe him, but even more she wants to get the hell away from him
before she throws herself on him.
She relaxes as much
as she can, goes for light, teasing as she chides him, "You worry too much.
You're always taking everybody else's problems on yourself and constantly
scared you're going to let everyone down. You don't have to be so strong all
the time, we're here for *you* too."
And she wants to be
there for him, wants to share and joke and be best friends. But since he's been
with Faith, something else has manifested in her. Some attraction she didn't
notice before, and she hates herself for it. Green-eye monster dripping venom
and puss, and she can't even be there for him anymore. Hates herself for
it. She turns from his gaze as these
thoughts weigh her down.
"Willow." His voice brings her
back, earnest and low.
"Yeah,"
she's looks at the clock now worried about getting to class, frown on her face.
"I love you
Will, you know that don't you."
And her heart skips a beat and then falls to her stomach.
She shakes her head
and rolls her eyes as she moves to open the door, hiding how much she wants to
hear someone say that and not mean 'in the friend way'. "I love you too,
you idiot, but stalling for time isn't going to get you out of talking to
Giles. Take your medicine like a big boy."
************************
He should follow
Willow's advice and suck it up, take it like a man, instead of a Harris.
Because that would involve either running away or drowning in comfortable booze
soaked oblivion. An option that now, he's beginning to see the merits of for
the first time. He's feeling dazed
though, dazed and freaked to the gills, so he just floats through this seeming
dream world. Until, Xander walks past Larry banging on the vending machine in
the student lounge on his way to the library. Passes close enough to the other
teen to hear his cursing. His body flashes hot then cold as he sees Larry
falling to the ground at graduation, his body hitting the pavement, the thud
echoes in his ear. He raises his hand to touch his cheek, and as he does, his
eyes track the unmarred flesh of his knuckles, the flesh-toned skin that
yesterday he noticed was criss-crossed with white scars now. Larry turns to
face him, his expression pulled into a grimace of delight at spotting one of
his favourite victims. Xander knows then that they haven't had their 'moment' here, this is just Larry, one of
the tormenters of his high school experience. He turns on his heel and moves as
fast as he can on the long route to the library, the reality of this new life
scaring him. He pushes open the door to the library, and as the scent of paper
and dust wafts to him, the otherness and distance redescends over him.
"Oh, how was
your test?" Giles asks as he hears Xander approach. He puts down the stack
of books he was going to file.
"I was hoping
we could talk about that maybe next year. You know, when the pain is buried
some."
And there's that
concerned look that he's never quite seen on his own parents' faces, but he
recognizes it from all the years he's known Joyce and Sheila. "Xander, are
you feeling... angry, or... violent lately?"
Meaning, would they
read about him in the paper- another crazed school shooter shocks the nation?
"You have no idea. Look Giles, I know you're all dad-guy and stuff, but
don't sweat it, I'm alright. Just having an off day."
"I seriously
doubt you're being honest, but I can't force you to tell me anything."
Not physically, but
the psychological torture couldn't be completely forgotten. Visions of Giles
singing endless choruses of 'Henry the Eighth I Am', make Xander's toes curl,
and he steps back from the desk and throws his hands up in the air in mock
surrender. "Whoa, scary visual place there for a moment." Never gonna forget that night, even though
he's in another universe and this Giles doesn't look like he's into auditory
torture for teenaged refusal to do research.
Giles with a
long-suffering grimace on his face as he continues, "Chemistry is one of
your better subjects, what on earth..." A sigh, and then, " Xander, I
think we need to talk."
And there's his cue
to panic. "Oh no. I think I left the gas on my Bunsen burner..." One
step backward...two...how many more to the door?
"Xander,
really, come in my office."
"Shoot G-man.
Just make it between the eyes to make the kill clean."
Giles points to the
office and Xander follows. Dead man walking.
"You haven't
called me that in quite some time. " Giles removes a handkerchief from his
pocket, removes his glasses and begins polishing them, a series of actions that
Xander recognizes. It means he's rehearsing some 'serious' discussion in his
head before arguing it rationally and logically.
Oh god, is it going
to be that bad? Buffy's usually the one that gets this kind of lecture, Xander
usually gets the 'don't be an idiot', or-'you are profoundly stupid' eye roll.
This is new territory for him.
" Xander. I am
worried about you. You and Faith most specifically."
Dating advice. From
Giles? And that's really quite frightening isn't it? Is this going to be one of
those talks about responsibility...and condoms? Because that might actually be
amusing. "What about Faith and me?"
"I feel that
you two might have some type of synergy between you that causes the worst
tendencies in you both to surface when you're together. I know you weren't
'eating lunch' when you left campus today. I can hear your stomach
rumbling."
"I fell asleep
on the couch." At least he thinks that's all they did.
The glasses are
back on now, and Giles sits on one corner of the desk, and Xander thinks he's
seen this film in health class before. In the sixth grade. Giles' arms are
folded across his chest, and Xander's sure now, it's the 'there is a time in
every young man's life speech'.
"Really, no
need to dissemble. I know what it's like to be your age, and Faith is quite
attractive. But I also think that your schoolwork is being affected by your
time spent with Faith 'sleeping on the couch'. I think her focus as a Slayer is
also compromised."
"You think I
put her in danger? Oh, of course, demon magnet."
"Excuse me? I
was referring more to the fact that she is worried about you 'snapping like a
twig and going on a three alarm rampage' as she so colorfully termed it."
"Snapping? Why
would she think that?"
"Good lord. It
could be from the fact that you dropped out of therapy and refuse to discuss
your parents' or Buffy's deaths with anyone. "
Oh, whoa, whose
whats? World rocketing to a halt now, when did all this happen? This is way too
much information to process right now. He can't even form the words to ask the
sudden avalanche of questions that statement brings.
"Xander, you
know we all love you, even Faith, as undesirous as I am to know the details of
that love. We all are concerned for your mental well-being. I thought that I
could give you some much-needed stability when I asked you to live with
me."
He's living with
Giles? Those words together in a sentence are unbelievable, true proof that this
is some kind of freaked out universe.
"I'm new at
this pseudo-parenting business. If I'm doing it wrong, tell me. Tell me what
you need from me."
Take away his crack
pipe, because this is obviously a drug-induced trip? "Talk about my
feelings more, check."
"You also need
to be more vigilant in your studies if you are still expecting to go to
Berkley."
"Berkley?
" Holy shit. They've talked about *him*? Going to Berkley? It shocks him
so much that the next words seem to slip out of his mouth, "School's gonna
blow up anyway."
"What did you
say?" Giles is suddenly riveted in place and looks as though he's holding
his breath.
"Uh, blowing
my chances with all this slacking." Good cover, on the Planet of the Apes.
Giles smiles,
satisfied he's got his point across. "So, we're in agreement?
"I'm hearing
you loud and clear." Buffy's dead. Xander realises failing out of school
isn't such a huge thing after all.
************************