Here are some of the most ribald, raunchy, uproarious quotes I've ever heard. Enjoy!
Learn twenty-four letters, a few obscene gestures, and you're ready to roll in English!
--Dr. Glenn Dorn, on the ease of learning English.
That girl has a perfect ass! It looks like a NACA five-digit airfoil. It could be described by a cubic equation and a straight line!--"Italian Sausage"
It's California on a Saturday morning. They're probably raping their boyfriends.
"Even the men?"
Especially the men!--Riehm
All the superheroes wear tight costumes under their regular clothes. Superman does it. Spider-Man does it. The Fedayeen Saddam did it.
The ants just crawled into my cup and died--Riehm
The opposite of "love" isn't "hate"; it is "selfishness"--Susner
Hey, baby. Ever made love to a stump?--Ravin, on the ending of "Star Wars Episode II."
Anyone who's ever eaten a bagel wants to kill Saddam Hussein--Christopher
War is horrible! You've got people getting their heads blown off, people getting disembowled, and civilians will be killed. That being said, we've given the son of a bitch enough chances to do what he's supposed to do!--Dr. Richard Theokas, on being diplomatic with Saddam Hussein.
Who would suspect that Spider-Man is hiding vodka?--The Don
Boxer-briefs are the best. They've got comfort and support with none of the wedgies--Sopcich
To hell you go!--Professor Davids
By the way, our flight commander is a drunken, lazy slacker, so that's why I wrote the e-mail tonight. Out to join him. C U in a few hours--Elisa
Speaking of sodomy, where's Dave?--Sammy
Andrew Jackson hated the elites! He thought they were shit!--Dr. Craft
A stretched groin is a happy groin--Mr. Day
No woman is worth giving up meat over--Geoffroy
See you manana - that means "tomorrow" for all of you gringoes--Flores
Who is that? Your Girlfriend? She keeps you on a tight leash!--Dr. Axel Rohde, responding to a cell phone in class.
In your lab book, this portion of the experiment is labeled "optional." My book says "Hell no."--Jeremy Eckhart, world's greatest lab instructor
Oh, so we're playing "Snake" this morning?! I used to play that game all the time on my calculator!--Training Officer Lendrum
Speaking of going to the places where we belong, you should go back to San Francisco--Garaffa
They'll fight to the death for South Carolina, but screw New York!--Dr. Craft, on militias.
Soppet... poop on him! -- Stetson floozie, put off by my prudence
She used to be called "two fingers," but we found a way to slide a third one in--Kris Davis
I want to be bitten by a snake--Michael Susner III, after watching The Marchurian Candidate
Take "Old Mama" and give her a "sideways job."--Davis, on Leroy's fun nicknames for vertical and horizontal parabolas.
What do I have to do to get my point across? Write it on my body and streak across the room? You don't want to see that.--Dr. Simon
You need some marijuana, man--Raymond
You don't smell like beer. Let me smell you.--William "Bean" O'Brien
Why does the bride wear white at a wedding? It's nice if the dishwasher matches the other appliances!--student in Dynamics class, reading from his Maxim magazine.
Why does the groom wear black? To match the garbage bag!--Professor Davids, responding to previous quote.
Kris, why don't you tell the class what "supine" means?--Thomas O'Brien
On one's back, vulnerable, READY TO BE DOMINATED--Thomas O' Brien, after Kris failed to adequately define "supine"
The last person you want to piss off is the bar keeper, because everyone goes to the tavern to get drunk and bitch about what gets them pissed off!--Dr. Craft
Every time a Kennedy dies, an angel gets its wings--Yours Truly
This kid's a communist--greasy Scholastic Bowl coach, in response
You've got to cross the Ho with Ho collar or you'll end up with Ho barf--Buddha, commenting on the professor's strange variables for an angular momentum problem.
All that girls really want is a guy who can hook them up with marijuana and beer--Jeffery
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