Consideration
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Introspective. Shounen-ai.
It’s all a matter of perception.
Narsus
Considering the circumstances it’s probably not difficult to see what has happened. How the impossible chain of events has led us… no, you to this conclusion. There now, it’s not so difficult to rationalise if I think about it in the abstract. If I can pretend that nothing of all this is actually my concern. So, in an abstract situation, it’s not difficult to see how… a certain sense of adoration could easily grow into love, or at least a child-like precursor to it. And that’s what I think it must be, not quite love but not quite little enough to be called a passing fancy. And what is it that we call love anyway? The grand passion of fairytales? The long establishment of affection built on ties of family and marriage bonds? The simple touch of your partner’s hand before he goes on his way in the morning? It might be all this, I suppose.
But in an individual case, this individual case. Perhaps it is that youthful adoration mixed with a heady dose of hero-worship that has brought you to this point. Perhaps it will wear off in time, most likely it will before a stronger and more permanent sentiment can arise in its place. Before you find someone whom you wish to share your time with.
I’m not quite worthy of such devotion. That particular sense of worship that you bestow upon me isn’t really… necessary. I think that perhaps I am grateful for the small samples of kindness, of care. Though it will never be the gratitude of a lover.
You are… too young and far too innocent to be anything more that a child in my perception. And how demeaning that must sound? I’ll never say such things to you simply to take away that sting. But it is true none the less. It is hardly a fault of yours, merely a fault of age. That I will ever see you as a child, no matter how much time passes because as you grow older, so do I and my prejudices become more entrenched. Forever to my perception you will be youthful, poised at a point of glorious beginnings that have often left me jaded. And there is no argument to that, no fantastical explanations that could ever bring you to this joyless point of cynicism, where I am always a few steps ahead. Not by virtue of anything other than the explicable march of time. I will be old when you are in your prime, somewhere middling when you are still youthful, most likely dead when you are judged to be ancient. Or I will be so wasted and rickety that I hobble through shadows and children call me ‘grandfather’. And I suspect that Daryoon will grow old and surly and shout at young soldiers just because he can but that is neither here nor there.
It brings me to another point though. Another obstacle, as young love might call it. The fact that I am, somewhat attached to my stoic, artless General. I am in fact quite further more than ‘attached’. Mired and forever captive would be closer to the point… and not merely because he tolerates my bad puns. It would be difficult, probably, possibly impossible to win me from him. I’d sooner shear off my hair and with it my honour. No, I shall not relinquish my hold, nor withdraw my claws from him. And in that I can be as possessive as he oft appears to be. We are equally matched in that respect, in a way that you and I could never be. Nor would I ever hope for us to be, in that respect.
And what of feelings that play such a great part in this hypothetical situation, in so far as I mush keep telling myself that I am expounding upon theory and nothing more. In all consideration, you are to me quite charming, intelligent, with a spark of cunning that I do hope will blossom. Not to say that you are unlovely, only that I value your other attributes more. Beauty withers with age, wisdom does not. All in all, there would be many reasons to love you, if one were so inclined. Yet, I am not, or at least not inclined to love in the sense that you may desire. I appreciate, I think, with an artist’s eye the blossom of youth and growth and development that follow therein. Your enthusiasm may yet prove to be infectious and the turn of your thoughts equally so. But all of this… appreciation is not love. Not in the sense that I compare it to. It is but fondness and affection, which in of themselves are wonderful indeed, though of course not nearly good enough compared to the love you desire at this time. Still, that is all I can grant, will grant, all facets of this matter considered. But in all due consideration, I must admit; Alfreedo, you never were my type anyway.
I couldn’t sleep and it’s the morning before my last exam. Honestly, that’s my excuse.
Regarding the cutting off hair signifying a loss of honour, I know it’s a Japanese thing but, well…