Shounen-ai, angst.
Too much StarWars is beginning to effect me – I’m doing a prequel!
Spoilers for the end of the CardCaptor Sakura series and changes in plot.
They belong to CLAMP, the unfortunate situation they end up in belongs to me though…
Syaoran sat by the window, elbows propped on the sill, glaring out into the grey evening. He didn’t move as the first splatters of rain began to hit the glass. The dark clouds outside blocked out the remaining daylight and Syaoran sat in darkness. Still he didn’t move, not caring that somewhere else, the person he had cared most about was probably getting ready to leave Japan… leave him. He didn’t want to think about it, so he kept staring at the darkening clouds. The faint rattling of the windows prompted him to move away from the windows just in case of accidents caused by the approaching storm. Syaoran switched on his desk-lamp and lay back on his bed. He glared at the ceiling.
As the first crash of thunder rolled over the Tomoeda district Nakuru paused in her packing to look at Eriol. He was looking off into the distance, eyes unfocused. Noticing her stare he simply smiled at her. Nakuru smiled back and returned to her packing, all the time trying to figure out what had happened between Syaoran and her master. Suppi was more direct in his enquiry, “Well?” he enquired, his smaller form settling on a now empty shelf. His answer was a blank look. “Did you or did you not talk to Syaoran Li today?” Suppi folded his arms, well, as much as a small bear-like creature could.
“Yes, I did.” Was Eriol’s only reply.
Suppi was about to speak again when an even louder crash of thunder deafened them all momentarily. Eriol left the room.
Nakuru looked at Suppi accusingly “You didn’t have to be so obvious.”
“What was I supposed to do? Just let him carry on like they’re nothing wrong?!”
Nakuru sighed “I don’t understand it, is he just pretending that everything is alright so that we won’t worry? Or is he trying to pretend to himself?” she looked up as Suppi came to sit by her.
“He knows what he’s doing.”
“I don’t see why that stupid Li boy had to react so badly. So what if he’s had a whole other past life, it’s not like everything has changed!”
“Maybe it has. As far as Syaoran Li is concerned, anyway.”
“That’s stupid! I should just go round there and-“
“You can’t do anything about it.”
“I could! I could just-“
“No! The only person who could make any difference is Syaoran Li, himself.”
“And he won’t, will he?” Nakuru was subdued now.
“No. I don’t think that’s likely. That’s why…” Suppi turned to stare out of the windows at the steadily falling rain.
Sakura. Syaoran determinedly though about Sakura. The sweet, determined CardCaptor. His closest friend. He could tell her anything so wouldn’t it be natural if he found her attractive? He pictured her in his mind, large eyes like the brightest stars, the adorably puzzled expression that would cross her face from time to time, that sweet smile… holding hands during the festival… Syaoran sat up abruptly, scowling at nothing in particular. The festival… he hadn’t held hands with Sakura at the festival, he’d been with Eriol. They’d held hands and kissed for the first time. Eriol had been so sweet, smiling up at him, perfectly trusting. Oh, it hadn’t been much, just brushing his lips against Eriol’s, nothing too adventurous… not like that business with tongues that Toyua and Yukito seemed to enjoy. Syaoran didn’t think he was quite ready for that.
This time the scowl was replaced by a softer, sadder expression. He’d never get the chance to find out anything more about relationships, at least not with Eriol… and Syaoran didn’t think he wanted to try with anyone else. Then again, had the boy he loved ever really existed or was he just a useful mask for Clow? It seemed to Syaoran that Clow was good at creating well-meaning lies, for himself, for his guardians. Wasn’t that what Yukito was, just the Moon Guardian masquerading as something he was not? Then by default was there any reason to believe that Eriol had meant anything he’d said? Syaoran lay back down, closing his eyes. This constant, circular argument was beginning to make his head hurt. Essentially it came down to one thing, one basic insecurity… if Eriol had lied about his knowledge of the Clow cards and everything that they involved, then didn’t that mean that he’d lied when he said he’d loved Syaoran? Of course the matter of Yukito and Yue was slightly different. The Moon Guardian hadn’t had an ulterior motive where Toyua was concerned. But Syaoran had been competing with the chosen CardCaptor… It didn’t make sense but Syaoran was feeling too hurt and betrayed to think about things rationally.
The last remnants of the storm were lifting, the rain now lighter than it had been. Eriol surveyed the boxes piled in the living room and the hallway, watching as they were piled in the van outside, ready to be sent back to England. His brief time here, his life, packed away, neatly into various boxes. Just like his emotions. He smiled bitterly at the irony, just when he’d though that he’d found something, someone worth clinging to, he was forced to pack his feelings back away, to put them out of his life… again. Reaching out, with a sorcerer’s perception, all he could sense was anger, bitterness. “Sleep… and forget, please, Syaoran… forget about me.” He whispered, barely loud enough for the spell to take hold.
Sakura blinked, looking around, confused. It almost felt like… like… Sakura yawned suddenly, toppling over on the couch.
Toyua stepped back into his room and stared. Yue was sitting on the bed, wide-eyed, crying. Toyua quickly moved over to sit next to the Moon Guardian, taking hold of his hands. Yue turned to look at him, “It’s not fair.” He said, softly.
Nakuru was about to dash back into the house to tell Eriol that the taxi had arrived, when she felt it, something like a breath of wind stirred by an angel’s wings. The air rippled around her. “Sleep” she muttered recognising the signature of the cards “and Erase!” Nakuru turned to run into the house when Suppi blocked her path, looking up at her steadily. “It’s not fair.” She said.
Syaoran slept, peaceful for the first time in many days, as heartbreaking memories began to slide away from him. Fleeting moments, shared glances, brief touches, and promises of youthful devotion all sliding away, as if they’d never happened. Only the bare details of the story remained. The CardCaptor, her rival, her new opponent. Everything reduced to hazy memories. But he’d found his special person… who was that? Sakura? Of course it had to be Sakura. Who else could it possibly be?
Eriol pulled the complimentary blanket around himself, trying to get comfortable as the plane took off. He was going to sleep, he’d decided. He’d sleep because then… then he didn’t have to think. He wasn’t going to think, not about Japan, not about the cards, not about… not about Syaoran. Eriol squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the blanket up to his nose. He wasn’t going to cry either.
Fujitaka had discovered his daughter asleep on the couch when he’d returned home. Smiling to himself he carried her upstairs and tucked her into bed. He paused a moment, sensing something strange in the air. Something that seemed to provoke memories that he shouldn’t have… something to do with Sakura’s Chinese friend and a furious Moon Guardian. He got a flash of an irate Yuikto taking a swing at a very shocked Syaoran. Fujitaka shook his head to clear the strange image as he closed the door of Sakura’s room firmly behind him, completely missing the look that passed over her sleeping face.
“Return.” Sakura said, determinedly, in her sleep and the corresponding card began to glow.
It’s not quite cute but it’ll do. Call it an attempt to explain the real ending of “CardCaptor Sakura” with the shounen-ai intact. I just couldn’t leave it with such a sad ending though and besides, I like to think that Sakura knows what’s going on.
Narsus (10/1/02)