by
Narsus ([email protected])
Standard
copywrite disclaimer: I don’t own the characters or the places, or anything
much. Don’t sue me… I’ll just laugh.
Rated:
not really 15, maybe PG. Angst. Mild shonen-ai.
Warning:
don’t read if you want a happy ending.
Having
read the Arslan Senki fanfiction online (and there isn’t much) I couldn’t help
wondering if my name-sake didn’t get a bit tired of being knocked around
(sometimes literally) by Daryoon before the warrior finally declared his
love. With this thought in mind and
Ashura’s comparison of this genre to ‘Mills & Boons’ on the phone one
evening, I decided to add a little pragmatism to the situation. This fic is the result. Oh, and before anyone gets annoyed, I may be
jaded but I’m still a hopeless romantic…
I just figured that a dose of cynicism would be interesting.
Evening, the sun spreading it bloody rays over the
fortress of Peshawar. A peaceful lull
settling over the almost deserted battlements, disturbed only by the changing
of the sentries, the soft mummers of the soldiers and the muffled sounds of
booted feet. Inside the fortress
torches were already being lit and food being laid out for the evenings meal
and entertainments.
Daryoon:
The servants were clamouring behind me
and already I could hear the sound of the revelries beginning. The noise was irritating. I needed quiet, time alone, time to think. So I ignored the glances of my subordinate
commanders, the strange look that Pharangase gave me, even Elam’s surprised
gaze as I strode from the room, seeking the silence of the lonely
battlements. My steps carried me
quickly to the cold reaches, away from the oppressive heat and noise. I sort out my favourite place to be alone
with my thoughts… only to find it already occupied.
I recognised him immediately, Narsus. But what was he doing here? Probably the same thing as I, seeking a
solace from the constant, aimless chatter within the walls of the fortress. He looked up as I approached and then
smiled. Ah, such beauty. He looked so different when he smiled like
that, not the mocking smile that most saw, but a genuine one that lit his green
eyes with an inner radiance. “So far
from the wine?” I teased.
His
smiled broadened as he held up a bottle for my inspection. “So far from all the beautiful ladies,
General?” he returned.
I
came to stand at his side. Neither of
us spoke. At times like this there was
no need for words only the quiet presence by my side. This was the side of Narsus that few people saw, gentle and wise
and endlessly fragile. He shivered
slightly and I instinctively put my arm around him, drawing him close. He leaned against me and I inhaled the sent
of his hair. He chuckled softly and I
looked down at him. “Why Daryoon, what
will people say?” laughter in his voice.
“I
don’t care.” I replied.
Suddenly
he drew back, looking at me seriously.
“Daryoon…” he began nervously. I
didn’t let him finish, pulling him against me and pressing my mouth to his. There was a muffled protest, fleetingly his
hands pushing against me and then… catching me entirely off guard, he kneed me
sharply in the groin!
Narsus:
I felt sorry for him, bent double and
gasping for breath but what did he expect me to do? I gently helped him seat himself on the floor then stood back and
looked at him. Daryoon, the man I had
once loved.
He looked up at me, strickened. “Wh.. what did you do that for?!”
“Daryoon,
you weren’t taking ‘no’ for an answer and you are stronger than me.” I
replied, rationally.
“But…” he looked away then back at me, something strange in his gaze. “I love you.”
I was dumbfounded. He loved me! It couldn’t be, the words I had waited three
heart-breaking years to hear. Three
long years of pain and loneliness, forced to be simply his friend. Three years of desperately waiting. Three years of thinking that I was waiting
for him to love me when I was in fact simply waiting for my heart to turn to
dust. I stared at him, taking in that
handsome visage, the honesty in his eyes.
I tried to recall all the reasons I had loved him, all the reasons I had
cursed him when I had told myself that I no longer loved him, lying to myself
in an attempt not to fall apart.
He stood, moving forwards so that we
were but inches apart. I looked deeply
into his eyes, searching for something, something within myself. He was telling me the truth, I knew it, so I
could not lie to him. My thoughts
raced, how could I say this? A part of me was still in shock to discover that
the lie I had carried in my heart all these years had finally become truth.
I looked up at him and smiled, my best
mocking smile, then I laughed. “You
know you almost fooled me! For a moment
there I almost thought you were serious.”
He looked pained “I am serious.” He
said softly.
Daryoon:
The humour died from his eyes. “I’m sorry Daryoon but I just don’t feel the
same way. We’re good friends, that’s
all.”
“Why?” I persisted “You loved me once
Narsus, I know you did. Before you left
court...”
He sighed “Do you remember the night
before I left?”
I nodded.
“You were the one who turned away for
me.” He smiled a soft, sad smile. “You didn’t need me.”
“I was wrong, I’ve had time to think, to realise that I made a terrible mistake.” I tried to sound convincing but my voice was cracking.
“You’re right, I loved you once…
but not any more.” His gaze was
sympathetic but also terribly empty.
“Is there someone else?” I had to ask.
“No, no one else.” He turned back to contemplating the now dark
skies, moving to refill his wine-glass.
“I just don’t love you anymore.”
I stared for a moment, at the love I
had just lost, before turning abruptly to return to the clamour of the
fortress. Tonight I would make use of
the endless supply of alcohol, I would drink until oblivion clamed me. Anything to diminish the pain in my heart,
to dull the sound of his voice in my ears “I just don’t love you anymore.”
Narsus:
I listen to him leaving. Such pain I had caused him but there was no
other way. I couldn’t lie to him, to
myself. “I loved you once.” I whispered
to the empty night. “If you had said
those same words to me three years ago… but there was only so much pain that I
could bear.”
I don’t even remember when I stopped
loving him. I don’t remember when this
coldness began to creep over me, numbing my emotions. The greatest joy in my life is Elam, to see his happiness
alleviates my own emptiness. I think,
perhaps once Arslan is king, I will formally adopt Elam, yes, I will make him
my son and heir. Of course I must find
someone else onto which Alfreedo can transfer her affections, someone who will
make her happy. Then there is the whole
business of the rebuilding of Pulsar…
Daryoon:
I paused for an instant to look back
over my shoulder. He’s still there, unmoving. Though now he’s smiling. It’s a strange, distracted smile, empty of
the warmth that I used to see there.
He’s thinking over his plans no doubt.
Am I so easily pushed from his thoughts! Yet there is something horribly wrong with the picture he
presents, something terribly empty. As
if the real Narsus is no longer inhabiting that body, he’s not the same and
perhaps it is my fault. All those years
ago, I hurt him so terribly. Yet it
could just as easily be my own wounded pride suggesting that because I am hurt
he suffers too. I doubt the thought
already. Who could possibly injure
Narsus, brilliant, cold, pragmatic Narsus… and yet…
Quite suddenly he turns, sees me still
standing there. He smiles his soft,
empty smile and my heart is breaking.
I’m unable to hold his gaze… and so I turn away and begin the long walk
back to my Prince’s side.
Narsus:
I do not watch him leave. “Poor Daryoon, you do not know how much I
wish I was lying. But the intervening
years can not be put aside. I wish you
a long, happy life with someone who can love you as much as you love them,
because…” my voice dieing as I whispered into the night.
I sighed again. I can’t change the way I feel now. Life goes on and I could not wait forever,
no one could. Unless you consider those
epic romances, I couldn’t help thinking cynically. If we were just some story I’d be in your arms now, two
characters drawn in inks. I could
almost imagine it, the heroic black knight who takes forever to discover his
feelings and the fragile artist who still yearns for his love… alternately,
there’s us.
I hope that one day you’ll find
happiness, you’ll get over me, Daryoon, I’m nothing special, after all life
does go on. I picked up the almost full
bottle of wine, I would enjoy it in the silence of my chambers. The night air was still, it seemed to demand
that I finish the thought I’d voiced, so I did.
“…because you are the only man I have ever loved.”
Well
there we go. I didn’t intend it to get
so ‘soft’ at the end, since I was planning a little speech about pragmatism
winning over romanticism. Still, maybe
its better that way.
So,
I’m a cynic, that’s what life does to us all, but some of us never give up
hoping that one day…
As
they say in some Disney cartoon, “One day my prince will come…”.
I
don’t want a prince, just a Black Knight.
Comments are welcome.
-Narsus
(23/12/00)