Does Irritable Bowel Syndrome run in your family? Wouldn't hurt to find out.......

First Name Last Name

BUTTS ACROSS AMERICA

Who Cut The Cheese?

Farts tell alot about you and the kind of person you truly are.

It's true. As Dr. Harry Butz from the Institute of Behavoural Science. He and intern Dr. A.S.Hole have conducted extensive studies.

"How You Fart" not only reveaLs who you are butt they also reveal what you ate for supper. Many Rabbi's, Catholic Priests and even the Buddhist use this technique in sanctioning marriages. Faster than you can say Starbucks, Fartune tellers are springing up all over the country in Malls and at country fairs everywhere. What's their secret? How can put this knowledge to use for YOU?

Forget Dionne Warwick! Fartune Telling is IN! Read this and see it for yourself.

VAIN:
A person who loves the smell of his
own farts.

AMIABLE:
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts.

PROUD:
person who thinks his farts are extremely decent.

SHY:
A person who releases silent farts then blushes.

IMPUDENT:
Person who farts out loud and then laughs.

UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.

SCIENTIFIC:
A person who farts regularly and is concerned about pollution.

NERVOUS:
A person who stops in the middle of his fart.

HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons.

DISHONEST:
A person who farts and then blames the dog.

FOOLISH:
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

THRIFTY:
A person who has several good farts in reserve.

ANTI-SOCIAL:
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

STRATEGIC:
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

SADISTIC:
A person who farts in bed and fluffs the cover over his bedmate.

INTELLECTUAL:
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the last food item consumed.

ATHLETIC:
A person who farts at the slightest exertion.

MISERABLE:
A person who would truly love to, butt can't fart at all.

SENSITIVE:
A person who farts and then starts crying

PRECIOUS KODAK MOMENT............................

My daughter's First Fart

Herman & Martha Nombedado

Legend of the Old Fart

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. "Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked Martha. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think
I got 'em all back in."

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