Bedtime Stories

Tail of the 20 lb CoHo Salmon by nANCI mEEK 1/4/00

Years ago the Progresso Family tried to muscle in on the five families in New York, around 1969,in an attempt to curry favor (not to be confused with the flavor Curry, which goes nicely with Salmon) and join La Cosa Nostra (literally "I'll pluck your nose hairs, you pluck my nose hairs").

Don Progresso entering College

Told to "take a walk" and "take your sauce with youse", they did, across the United States, settling in the Northwest, near what they thought was the COLOMBO River. Of course it was actually the Columbia River but nobody wanted to tell Don Progresso out of fear of a mob War. Don Progresso opened a spaghetti factory restaurant, selling their sauce in a jar.

Sunday Dinner

This bold gesture was considered by the five families to be InFamina (literally "sauce in a jar sucks") and the Progresso's were henceforth permanently ostracized by all five New York families, as well as Rabbi Cohen from Temple B'Mai Britt. Salmon, for many years was served with Bagels on the anniversary of Dutch Schultz's Bris. A holiday observed by fewer and fewer every year.

Rabbi Cohen

Consuelo Progresso ,,,,,,,,,,,,

Don Progresso's eldest daughter Consuelo (literally "Hairy Daughter") married Barney Coho(sic)(literally get a spell checker stupid) of the Coho Salmon Fisheries. The Coho family controlled (and still do) all Northwest Salmon fishing interests. The practice of placing a 20lb Salmon at or near a dead body was started decades ago in New Jersey, the Garden State or "Status Gardenas" (literally "what's that smell? It's not me!")

Barney Coho trying to decide on a sidedish

It was during the Funeral Directors Strike in the Summer of 1941, as a way of masking the stench. The strike lasted over 15 months, only relieved by the winter snowfall when a wiseguy could literally be kept on ice without attracting suspicion. These were hard times for everyone.

Personal Note: I E-mailed [email protected] and was surprised when Barney Coho himself answered back. He confirmed the above although there was debate about the size of the Salmon. His wife Consuelo seemed to think it should be a 5lb 7oz Salmon sauteed with lemon sauce and capers and served with a light Cabernet.

Too much CoHo Salmon!


Mattress Wars -The true story behind the phrase "Hit the Mattresses". It involves Don Vito Sealey and his Capo turned informant, Salvatore Simmons. The phrase "Posturpedic" (literally "Take off those shoes and put on clean socks")is also explained.

Dislexic Hitman and the English Teachers who love them

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