I bathed a lot in those early days. I’ve been told that it’s not an uncommon reaction to what happened to me, the compulsive need to try to get clean. With time and distance it fades. Sadly, Time and distance were two things that were in short supply. Both Spike and I were prisoners of war. I was in the old Victorian claw foot tub showering the day Spike came to my bed for the first time since our joining. The stiffness and fatigue was finally starting to disappear, I noticed, as I let the warm water cascade over my body. A tremor ran down my spine, I knew full well that Spike had been waiting for me to fully heal before… Although the vampire had promised not to hurt me, I was absolutely terrified. I tried to banish visions of my claiming from my mind. I had to think of that night, as my claiming I couldn’t stand to think of it as anything else. It was just too much to bear. As it stands I’m still having vivid nightmares and flashbacks every once in a while. Spike says that I need to give myself some time to heal. I know he’s right. I say the same thing to the others all the time, but I guess I just hate how it controls my life. 

 

I stayed under the spray for an absurdly long time, trying to make myself unsoiled again. Eventually, I turned off the old fashion shower, deciding that no matter how much I wanted to stay in the bathroom forever, I’d have to face Spike someday. I quickly toweled myself off and slipped into a clean pair of cotton drawstring sweats that I’d found in the large armoire in the corner of the bedroom. Finally, I put my collar back around my neck and closed the clasp, something I was, alas, becoming more and more adept at each time I did it. I studiously avoided my steamy reflection on the way out the door.

 

I gasped in surprise when I heard Spike’s voice as I skulked back into the bedroom.

 

“Was about to send in a lifeguard, Pet. Was worried you’d drowned,” the vampire told me smoothly as he reclined on the bed with a bowl of…

 

“Why do you have popcorn?” I asked. It shouldn’t really have been all that surprising. It’s not as though I’d never seen the peroxide menace eat human food before. At least he hadn’t drenched it in blood this time, though I really hadn’t seen him do that very much since he’d come back from Africa.

 

“Thought we could watch a movie together. Come here and lay down next to me.  Come on don’t be shy,” he invited, patting the empty spot beside him on the bed.

 

“Spike…” I replied uneasily, knowing it wouldn’t do any good.

 

“You need to get used to being close to me. I know you’ve probably seen this, but I tried to select something you’d enjoy,” he smiled, trying to tempt me.

 

“What is it?” I asked wearily. I knew I should at least make an effort.

 

“Spiderman,” the vampire answered, holding out his hand.

 

“That’s a good movie. I have seen it before,” I answered, staying right where I was.

 

“Come sit with me Xander,” the vampire ordered me gently.

 

“This is all leading up to you screwing me, isn’t it?” I whispered, crossing my arms protectively over my chest. I couldn’t even bring myself to make eye contact.

 

“Yeah, it is,” Spike sighed, getting up and walking towards me. I tried unsuccessfully not to flinch. “Look, Xander,” Spike continued, taking me by the hand, “we have to do this, be together. You understand that don’t you?” I just nodded mutely, refusing to meet the vampire’s gaze. I was utterly shocked when I felt Spike’s lips gently brush my own in a chaste kiss.

 

“Let’s not play his game. Come and enjoy the movie with me. I promise we’ll just cuddle a bit, nothing scary.”

 

I sniggered at the blond’s use of the word cuddle. Yeah, he’s the Big Bad all right. Spike just smirked at me, leading me to the bed. “And what happens after the movie Spike?” I asked. I knew my voice sounded unsteady as I looked down at the bed.

 

“Why don’t we worry about after, later,” my blond companion responded.

 

“Spike… I’ll try,” I nodded stiffly, allowing him to pull me into his arms and unto the bed.

 

I could feel the vampire gently rubbing circles along the small of my back. I wanted to run screaming. Instead I reached for the popcorn. Spike continued the soft stroking as he started the movie. I rested my head on my new master’s shoulder, forcing myself to watch the screen. I’d loved this flick when it had first come out. I’d dragged the girls to see it with me more than once despite some of their many protests. I couldn’t seem to concentrate on it that night.

 

I couldn’t suppress a small whimper, when I felt Spike’s arms tighten around me. The quick kiss to my forehead did little to reassure me.

 

“Am I hurting you?” My new master asked. All in all, Spike had been incredibly solicitous of me since the whole mess had started. He was a little bit of a mother hen, actually. It was kind of irritating to have him fussing over me all the time. I had to constantly remind the part of myself that wanted to lash out at him, that he’d been forced into this situation too.

 

“N… no,” I shook slightly, in spite of myself. “Why are you touching me like that? You said just cuddling.”

 

“That’s all we’re doing, Pet,” the vampire pointed out.

 

“I’m kind of freaking out here Spike,” I admitted.

 

“I know. Try not to worry and I promise I’ll make you feel really good,” the vampire smiled, brushing a few stray strands of hair off of my forehead as we settled down to watch. “Why do you like this movie so much? Seems kind of silly from what I’ve seen so far,” Spike asked suddenly.

 

“Spiderman is the best of the superheroes! He’s fast, he has super strength, he’s agile and to top it off he’s highly intelligent. Plus he’s a regular guy, with normal problems; he has to work for a living, pay rent and stuff. He doesn’t have his Bat fortune to fall back on,” I replied a little testily.

 

“Oi… The Dark Knight’s parents were murdered. Not like he did the whole hero thing as some sort of playboy’s hobby,” he replied indignantly.

 

“You’re a Batman fan?” I gasped incredulously. No wonder he used to make so many DC references about Angel. An inane image of Spike sitting in his crypt or at the factory reading comics in the dead of night with a flashlight like some little kid popped into my head.

 

“I used to read them once in a while…” the vampire began. I couldn’t help myself. I just snickered. “Watch the damn tely,” Spike grumbled, but I could see he was working hard to suppress a smile.

 

Snuggled against Spike’s hard body, I tried to do just that.  The vamp’s hands rubbing along my back were distracting though. I knew that he was only trying to help, to comfort me; but the petting was actually having the opposite effect, reminding me of what was going to happen when Peter Parker walked out of that cemetery.

 

He shifted from underneath me and started gently lapping my throat as the movie started wrapping up. His gentle hands started exploring my upper torso, before deciding to stop and gently squeeze my nipples. Spike bent his head to suckle them each in turn as the credits started rolling. It completely failed to distract me from Spike’s hands reaching for the ties of my sweats. I had to force myself not to push him away as I felt my fear rising.

 

I tried not to tense as my new owner started pulling the soft sweatpants off of me. Somehow I managed. I even forced myself to raise my hips a fraction to help. Intellectually I knew this needed to happen. It didn’t make it any easier to deal with though. My heart nearly stopped when I felt the vampire’s cool mouth envelop my still limp penis. I don’t know why he bothered. I hadn’t felt a smidgen of physical arousal since the night he’d claimed me. I supposed I should just lay back and think of England. I’d never been to England though. Who the Hell had come up with that stupid expression anyway? Why would thinking of an island nation help someone get through unwanted sex?

 

God, we were about to have sex! I was going to have to have him inside me again. I knew he’d promised it would be different this time, but it’s just it had hurt so much the first time. I’d thought he was going to tear me apart. Suddenly, it felt like I had a boulder sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get air into my lungs. The harder I tried the worse it got. It felt like I was breathing through a straw. My entire body started to shake. I thought I was going to be sick. I started pushing at him desperate to get him off me.

 

I felt him move away and I retreated until my back slammed violently into the headboard. I brought my knees to my chest trying to make myself as tiny as possible. Spike didn’t say anything for a long while. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever be able to do this. I could still feel it, his unyielding body holding me down, his hardness ripping me open, making me bleed.

 

“Pet,” he whispered. “You need to calm down. It’s over and you’re safe. Can you take a deep breath for me Xander?” I wanted to yell at him to leave me alone. I wanted to scream that he’d caused all this, that this was all his damned fault. I also wanted to hide in the shelter of his arms and never come out. How incredibly messed up is that? I tried my best to listen to him. I concentrated on trying to take deep breaths and even out my breathing. I distantly heard the sound of his footsteps moving away and the sound of running water.

 

“Here drink this,” the vampire said softly bringing a glass of water to my lips. I sipped it without thinking, purely by reflex. I hadn’t even heard him come back. Loosing track of him seemed incredibly foolish even though he hadn’t made a single aggressive move towards me since the night I’d become his pet. I wasn’t so far gone that I didn’t realize that he set up the entire little seduction scene for my benefit. And it had been a seduction, snuggling in front of the TV, watching a movie specifically selected for me, based on my preferences. God knows I’d sat through enough chick flicks with both Cordy and Anya, just to make them happy. He’d done it for me, so that I’d be more at ease. So I wouldn’t feel like I was being forced again.

 

“I’m sorry,” I found myself saying.

 

“Not your fault,” he answered without hesitation, reaching out to cup my cheek.

 

“Don’t. I can’t, it’s too soon,” I jerked away and suddenly the anger was back. Couldn’t he understand that his touch made me want to rub my skin raw?

 

“I know. I wanted to give you more time, but unfortunately our time is up,” the corners of his mouth turned up unhappily.

 

“What?” I demanded. Deep down I knew what it meant. Angelus had said something.

 

“I was looking in on Dawn earlier this afternoon,” Spike began warily.

 

“Is she okay? Is he hurting her?” I remember grilling him. It wasn’t fair. I knew he only wanted to protect her. At the time, though I was angry and I didn’t have anyone else to take my anger out on. Spike had pretty much kept me in our suite since the ritual. He hadn’t exactly forbidden me to leave, but he hadn’t offered to take me anywhere and I was smart enough to know not to venture out into a vampire infested house without him.

 

“She seemed fine. Didn’t look like she’d been harmed,” he reassured me. Deep down I knew that he was as concerned about Dawnie as I was. “Regrettably though, Red commented about you.”

 

“Willow?” My voice caught in my throat at the thought of my childhood friend. Jesse, Buffy, Willow, they were all gone now.

 

“Yeah. I know how important she was to you, but don’t forget what she is now. She mentioned that she couldn’t pick up your scent on me, in front of Angelus,” he reminded me. 

 

“Oh shit,” I gasped.

 

“If that doesn’t change by tomorrow, you get turned over to the minions. I won’t allow that to happen,” he said in a tone that scared the Hell out of me.

 

“Spike, I don’t think I can,” I trembled. I hated feeling this way, so vulnerable. I’d been facing off with demons since I was fifteen for goodness sake, yet just thinking about what the formerly evil undead and I were going to have to do was making my stomach do really unpleasant acrobatics.

 

“Xander, we have to,” he repeated, as though it had somehow slipped my mind.

 

“Whether I want to or not? Is that it?” I lashed out.

 

“What exactly is it that you expect me to do Harris? If it was just you and me, I’d snap your neck myself to spare you what Angelus will have done to you. Regrettably, we have Dawn to consider. Is that what you want to see? Buffy’s sister raped by dozens of demons before she dies? Because I assure you that he’ll make you watch before he has the same thing done to you,” he barked finally losing his composure.

 

“No… Of course not… I…” I could feel the anxiety attack that we’d just succeeded in quelling bubbling back up.

 

“Bugger, it’s okay Xander. Bloody hell, I’m a wanker,” he sighed flopping down on the bed tiredly beside me. I only nodded miserably. Spike started to laugh at that. “Glad you’re in agreement mate. Oh, bloody Hell wish we didn’t have to do this.”

 

“Me too,” I laughed bitterly.

 

“I did prepare for this eventuality,” Spike ventured, stopping his examination of the ceiling and turning to look at me directly

 

“Prepare? How?” I asked uneasily. The reassuring smile that Spike had plastered on his face just didn’t look natural. Well maybe directed at Dawnie, but certainly not at me. Blondie was supposed to look at me with barely contained scorn and disdain. All in all his new found concern for me was wigging me out even further.

 

“I got my hands on a magical aid, a lust potion. I was hoping we wouldn’t need to resort to that, but…” he stopped mid thought. He was trying to avoid saying that I couldn’t handle the situation by myself.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m finding it difficult accepting the fact that I have to have sex with the person who...” I stopped, unable to even say the words.

 

“Believe it or not, not everything is a dig at you, boy. I may occasionally have had doubts about your wits, but I’ve never doubted your bravery. The potion, it won’t only make you want to get a leg up, it’ll alter your brain chemistry and create a false sense of euphoria. These potions can make it so you think that you can’t function without them. You could easily become addicted. With your family’s history…” he began. “Don’t give me that look. I lived with you, remember? Not deaf, whelp. Your folks weren’t exactly subtle either.”

 

“I’m not my parents,” I insisted. For all the vows I’d made myself back then, looking back it’s become plain even through the heaviest of my self-denial that I came very close to becoming exactly like them. The time right after I’d broken things off with Anya had been devastating. I’d begun drinking more and more heavily. Just a few beers at first, but I’d quickly graduated to whiskey. If I’d stayed on the same path... I’d rather not dwell on that. If one good came out of Tara’s death, it was that it forced me to re-evaluate my life. It was the worst possible reminder I could have gotten about how short and fragile life is. Even I wasn’t dense enough to ignore it. That bright light snuffed out just like that. It made me realize just how silly it is to waste what precious time we are given on this Earth destroying myself.

 

I miss Tara. There’s a tiny little part of me that thinks that Willow gave that SOB exactly what he deserved. There’s another one that’s glad that she and Joyce didn’t live to see what ultimately happened to Willow and Buffy, to me and Dawn and... to Spike.  Sometimes I wish I hadn’t had to see it. There are nights when I can’t get the horrible slide show of what happened out of my head, it just loops on over and over in glorious Technicolor. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and feel like I’m suffocating. I know I was lucky. I had it easy compared to some of the others. When I think of some of the sick games the other vamps subjected their pets to, I’m not sure I would have managed to survive with my sanity intact.

 

That night though lying in bed preparing to have sex with Spike for the first time since the joining rite, I didn’t see it that way. All I could feel was terrified. If Spike had something that would make that feeling go away even for just a little while, I wanted it.

 

“I’m not saying you are, but with your family history you’re even more likely than most to fall prey to this rubbish’s hold,” Spike persisted reasonably.

 

“I know it would be better if I could do without it Spike, but I just can’t. Maybe someday, but not tonight,” I finally conceded.

 

“All right, Pet,” he eventually nodded. I watched, losing the battle with myself not to tense up. I couldn’t conceal a flinch when he accidently brushed against me as he bent over me to open the drawer of the nightstand on my side of the bed. He pulled out a small vile filled with a viscous red liquid. He carefully pulled the stopper out of the delicate glass tube.

 

“Open wide and stick out your tongue,” he instructed. I must have made a face, because he actually gave me a nervous little smile. I still wasn’t used to his smile, his real smile not that scornful sneer I usually got to see. “A little bit of this goes a long way. Don’t want to give you more than a couple of drops, anything more could be dangerous.”

 

I nodded, biting my lip. I feel ridiculous remembering it now, but I distinctly recall scrunching my eyes shut before I obeyed. The stuff was cloying. I didn’t ever think I’d encounter anything that would be too sweet for me, but that stuff tasted like 2 full bags of sugar had been crammed into those two or three tiny drops. 

 

“Sorry, Harris. If that bloody stuff tastes as awful as it smells, you have my most sincere and abject apology,” Spike snorted. With his enhanced senses it must have smelled like a candy factory had exploded to him.

 

“Spike,” I protested as he gently held my cheek in his hand.

 

“Hush. It’ll start to take effect soon. Just lay back Xander. We won’t start anything heavy until I know you’re ready,” my undead companion assured me.

 

“And how are you supposed to determine that I’m ‘ready’?” I snapped in irritation, actually bringing my arms up to make ridiculous air quotes.

 

“Vampire, lamb,” Spike said with his old sarcasm, making a show of sniffing me for extra emphasis.

 

“That’s just creepy, Bleach Boy,” I complained, shoving him ineffectually. “It’s rude to go around sniffing people. What are you, my neighbour’s nosy little Pomeranian?”

 

“Just the way vamps are, Pet. Can’t help the way I was made any more than you can help having brown eyes,” Spike answered, rubbing the same offending hand up and down my arm.

 

“You may not be able to help smelling me, but that doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to sniff me like some sort of all you can eat buffet mister,” I pointed out heatedly, poking him in the chest.

 

“Sorry, mate. Guess I was trying to get a rise out of you,” he admitted. Given the situation we were in it wasn’t the best turn of phrase he could have used. Maybe it was all the stress I’d been under since Buffy’s death, but I couldn’t help it. I lost it, completely lost it. I just started laughing. Not quiet dignified chuckling like Giles does, but full on I’ve lost it milk spilling out of my nose uncontrollable snorting. Spike started looking at me like he thought I’d finally gone all the way around the bend. The confused look on his face, just made me laugh harder. Pretty soon I actually had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard.

 

“Pet?” he asked uncertainly.

 

“I think you have the mechanics backwards,” I managed to get out amidst my laughter.

 

“You’re a strange man Alexander Harris,” he chuckled. “How d’ you feel?”

 

“Warm, a little flushed,” I realized.

 

“Aphrodisiac’s starting to take effect,” he concluded, stretching to caress my flank. “Try to relax. We’ll go slowly.”

 

I was going to argue, tell him that I wasn’t ready yet, but then his hand moved up to my chest and his thumb started lightly brushing against my nipple. It sent a wave of heat through my entire body. Spike kept up the gentle caress, moving down to softly kiss my shoulder. Eventually he took my tit between his thumb and index finger, alternately rolling it and pinching it. Once it was a hard little peak he leaned over and took it between his lips. He took his time as he sucked and nibbled. His other hand reached across me to treat my other nipple with the same tender torture.

 

Even through the ever growing haze of the lust potion, I tensed when his other hand stroked my leg. “S’all right, luv. Just going to touch you a bit. Promise it’ll feel nice,” he shushed me, carefully kissing me. His kiss was strangely tentative. He didn’t try to invade my mouth like I’d imagined he would. I’d always sort of pictured Spike as a throw your lover up again the nearest surface and ravage them sort of guy. I was mildly disturbed that I’d thought of the Clairol King in that light at all. I found myself opening my mouth though and awkwardly returning his kiss. I gasped into his mouth as I felt the ghost of a touch along the delicate flesh of my inner thighs. He didn’t go any further though. He just continued the intimate petting.

 

He kissed his way down my throat. I shuddered when he deliberately ran his tongue over the mark he’d made a week earlier. Happily he didn’t linger and soon he was suckling my nipples again, spending a couple of minutes on one then switching to the other. He’d grab one firmly between his teeth, biting down just enough so than I felt a pinch and then let his tongue teasingly graze the tip. I felt a rush of warmth move up and down my torso. I was dismayed to feel the first stirrings of arousal. I shouldn’t have been surprised that I was feeling something below the belt, after all that was the entire raison d’être of the undoubtedly expensive syrupy concoction I’d ingested. Wow, I even babble in written form. I guess it’s natural. It’s something that I do when I’m nervous or insecure and delving into this even in this journal, well it’s tough.

 

It’s been difficult rehashing that time of my life, especially those first few weeks. I felt really alone and helpless back then... I don’t see how putting what happened to me during those horrible months on paper is going to help anyone. But, I promised I’d try. The therapist said it might help me find perspective, so that I can move on.

 

Well enough with the whining and self pity. Where was I? Oh yeah arousal. I’d started to feel turned on by what Spike was doing to me. His hand slipped a little higher and all of a sudden he was massaging by balls. I panted and unconsciously spread my legs so he’d have better access. I realized that my breathing had sped up. I was pretty far gone, but I was still aware that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I was. I knew that when the effect of the potion wore off I’d be disgusted with myself, but as his lips left my chest and started kissing and licking their way down, I couldn’t find it in myself to care.

 

Anya; a woman I can now admit I probably loved more deeply than I realized when I was still with her; was not shy, either in or out of bed. There were honestly a lot more things on my ‘no way, not ever, no how’ list than there ever was on hers. If I wanted to try something she was pretty much game for it. And as selfish as she could be in all other aspects of her life, she loved me and she enjoyed pleasing me. And yes, I mean ‘pleasing’ me. She liked making me lose control, making me come. She said it made her feel powerful, like in that moment she owned me body and soul. She said it was the closest thing to having her powers back she experienced while being human. 

 

She was good at it too. Grant it most of my sexual experience up to that point in my life had been with Anya, but I can cheerfully boast that for all our issues, sex was never a problem for the two of us. And my girl went at fellatio with a single mindedness that was erotic in and of itself. I can now honestly say however that compared to Spike, it was like getting awkwardly groped beneath the old high school bleachers. He can do things with his tongue that I don’t think even Giles would have words to describe. I assume that I need not mention the entire lack of needing to breathe thing. That first time he blew me I thought he was going to suck my brains right out through my cock. I’m sure part of it was the buzz from the potion, but most of it was Spike. I’ve felt his lips around me enough times to know exactly how talented he is at the act of oral sex. How he got that capable is one of those white elephants that people make unspoken agreements to ignore.

 

He took me deep into his throat and swallowed. I almost lost it when I felt his throat contract around me. I didn’t even freak when he started running his finger softly along the flesh behind my balls. My entire body was screaming out for more of his touch. I was panting by the time he actually stopped. To my great shame I actually whimpered when he moved his mouth off of my penis.

 

“Shush... I’ll take care of you,” he whispered making his way back up the bed. Our next kiss was a little less strained. I didn’t need to force myself to reciprocate. At that moment I just wanted to melt into him, I’d have given him anything for some relief. Even so, I froze when I felt him reach for something under one of the pillows. It was like being doused in cold water.

 

“Spike... What are you...” I started to ask. My mind was so screwed up from the potion that turning my head seemed like a herculean effort. 

 

“It’ll be alright,” he promised nibbling on my ear lobe.

 

“No,” I protested, reaching out and putting a restraining hand on his arm. “What are you doing?”

 

“Pet,” he tried his best to quiet me, but despite the measures he’d taken I was beyond that I think.

 

“I saw you reach under the pillows. Don’t keep things from me Spike. I’d rather know. I’m not thinking that I’ll be into any sort of surprises for the foreseeable future, so just tell me,” I managed to ask.

 

“I’m not trying to keep things from you. I just didn’t see the point in scaring you,” he explained in a husky voice.

 

“That proverbial ship has sort of sailed Fangless.” I pointed out and he actually smiled at me a little sadly at the old taunt. “I appreciate the thought and I’m almost high enough not to care, but unfortunately my mind is supplying all kinds of nasty ideas of things that you might be hiding under that pillow and what they could be used for. So like I said, I’d rather just know.”

 

“Okay,” Spike nodded. He carefully extricated my fingers from around his wrist and very deliberately pulled his hand out from under the concealment of the pillows. He ran a cool hand up and down my right arm in what I’m pretty sure was a subconscious effort to soothe me. “It’s just lubricant, nothing to fret over,” he added slowly unfolding his fingers from around the small plastic tube.

 

I knew I was being absurd. It’s not like I’d never seen the stuff before. I was also now all too aware of how painful the sexual practice that we were about to partake in could be without its use. So I should have been relieved. I really should have been, but I wasn’t. I hadn’t even lost my hard on for Heaven’s sake. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell that he could see that I was quickly slipping back into hysteria. There are times like then when everything he’s thinking is written all over his face. He didn’t say anything he just cupped my jaw again with one of those fine boned hands and kissed me. Spike is a great kisser. He makes you feel like you’re the most important thing in the universe, the only thing in his universe.

 

“Alright?” he asked his bright blue eyes blazing into mine. Despite the potion turning my blood into molten lava I still desperately didn’t want to do this. He swept his hand down my side all the way down to my hip and back up again and I forced myself to nod. I gathered up my courage and brought my lips back to his.

 

The Price,  Part 5

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