Kid Stuff—Things I have learned as a parent

 

Assume Nothing

 

Giving a child furniture polish and telling him to wipe everything down is entirely too vague.  If you do not specify which furniture, your upholstery will be waxy and smell like lemon for a long time.

 

Telling a child to take a bath does not mean that anything other than sitting in the water is to be done.  You must specify soap and tell where to scrub.

 

Do not assume wash your whole body includes anything above the neck. If they cannot see it, it doesn’t count.

 

Telling a child to brush his teeth does not mean that toothpaste will necessarily have to be used.  Be specific.

 

Children’s plastic scissors WILL cut hair.

 

That each shoe is supposed to go on a specific foot is a really big waste of time.  Kids can walk really well with right on left and vice versa.

 

Piling your books in your schoolbag with a banana in the bottom is pretty gross.

 

Clean up your mess is entirely too vague.  You must specify where the mess is to be put or it will all end up in your couch cushions.

 

Nickelodeon Gooze does not come out of carpet.  Period.

 

Play dough is a little salty but otherwise okay to eat.

 

Dirt is something to be savored and not wasted.

 

You can never have too many rocks or sticks. 

 

If you bury your toys in the yard they will come up like dead people when it rains really hard.

 

Spray paint does not come off.

 

Kids will wear anything as long as it has a cool picture on it or lots of pockets

 

Children will freeze anything they can fit in the freezer.

 

Kids do not smell rotten food or sour milk.  They simply don’t smell it.

 

Kids think Socks are a stupid invention.

 

They think Under wear is just as stupid as socks

 

Knee-highs when stretched make great ropes

 

If you microwave a thermos full of liquid with the lid on, it will not only blow the door off your microwave but it will take out all the electricity in the house. 

 

Anything that makes bubbles is okay to put in the tub.

 

When kids sweat they smell exactly like wet dogs.

 

Wash your hands only involves the palms.  The back of the hands and fingernails not part of the deal

 

Putting crayons in the fan while it is running is a bad idea.

 

Putting pencils in the fan while it is running will hurt your hand.

 

Crayons should not be put in electric pencil sharpeners

 

Nothing is more entertaining for children than passing gas.

 

Dirty clothes are just as fun to play in as clean ones