I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

"Benji, let me in!"

I drag my blurry eyes in the general direction of the door, and wipe the tears off of my face. You won't even notice them anyway. It's nights like this one that are tearing me to shreds, and it's nights like this one that make me live. It's hard to be in love with someone as damaged as you. It's gotten to the point where I associate love with pain.

I stumble over to the door and throw it open. You fall straight into my arms, sobbing about nothing in particular. You have nothing to be depressed about. I don't understand why you're like this when we have everything we ever wanted. You have money, fame, you're doing what you love, and most importantly, you have someone who you love, and believe me, he loves you back.

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

You don't even care that I'm drunk. I've been sober for more than two years, you turn up on my doorstep and I'm wasted, and you don't even say anything about it. It's all about you. It's always been about you. You always beg me to take your pain away, to hold you and kiss you and love you and make everything else go away. What about my pain? "Joel, what the fuck are you doing here?"

We sit down on the couch and you sob into my chest. It kills me to see you like this, but I know I can't do anything. I've tried so many times to stem your soul's bleeding - all failed attempts. I'm angry, even though I don't want to be, and these nights are driving me crazy. "Needed you, Benji," you choke out, clinging to me, "needed you to make everything better."

I don't think I can help you.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I take your arms in my hands and turn them over to take a look at your wrists. Just as I thought, you've been cutting again. You look at me, brown eyes pleading, and my heart breaks yet again. How can you do this to yourself? How can you do this to me, knowing how much it hurts?

I had similar scars once, but they've all faded and been tattooed over. I got them back when Dad left. Back when there really was shit wrong in our lives.

I wish I didn't care so much about you. I wish it didn't hurt so bad to watch you doing this to yourself.

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I can't do this anymore. I hold you close and whisper soft "I love you"s and kiss the streaks left by your tears. I feel your lashes flutter under my lips as I kiss your eyelids, and then I tilt your head up enough to press our lips together softly. This is the last time I'll do this. I love you so much, but I can't deal with this anymore. I would give anything to make you better, but there's nothing I can do. Fuck, I don't even know what's wrong.

How many times have I offered to save you? How many times have I offered you my hand? How many times have you taken it, only to let go again? How many times have I cried just because you were crying?

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Now I'm patching you up again. I'm pulling out the bandages that I now keep in my house especially for these nights. I'm stitching up the slashes on your wrists and sticking on special bandages, which you will cover with your MADE hoodie until the scars are healed enough.

But they're not the scars I want to heal. I want to heal the scars in your soul. I want to heal the scars that drive you over here, night after night, begging me to save you again. You wrote "Wounded" about these nights, didn't you? I bet none of our fans who heard that song ever felt sorry for the person who has to piece you back together.

God, I wish I didn't care so much.

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

Normally once I've patched you up I take you to bed with me. I hold you and kiss you and make love to you while tears stream down both of our cheeks. It's always a weird scenario - you don't expect two grown men to cry when they make love, but we do. We cry because we both know that this is only a temporary solution. We cry because we love each other so much that it hurts.

But tonight is different. I kiss the bandages on your wrists gently and you wince. "Joel, I think you should go home."

You look at me, surprised. The hurt is clear in your eyes, and I immediately kick myself for saying anything at all, but I have to be strong. "But... but Benji, I need you. I need your help."

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

You reach out for me, trying to touch me, lull me into your arms the way you have so many times before. I let you pull me into your arms one last time, and I feel you relax in my grip, but then I push you away. "I can't help you, Joel."

Your eyes are pleading with me, brimming with tears again. "Yes, you can. I love you."

I look away, unable to stare into those sad brown eyes any longer. "I can't help you if you aren't willing to help yourself."

You stare a moment longer, then turn and head for the door, screaming. "You don't love me! You don't fucking love me!"

"Yes, I do, J-"

The door slams and I sigh, falling back onto the couch.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real

I wake up and look at the clock. It's been four hours since you left, and I fucking miss you already. As hard as it is to love you, not loving you is hard as well. This is the way it has to be, though. This is the only way I'll ever be able to move on with my life.

There's a knock on the door, and I suspect you're back. "Who is it?"

No answer. I walk over to the door and pull it open. "Look, Jo-"

I stop and stare. There are two police officers standing at my door. "Are you the brother of Joel Reuben Madden?"

I nod, a lump forming in my throat. "What's happened?"

"Your brother was found dead in his apartment about an hour ago. He commited suicide, and left this note for you," he pauses, seemingly mulling over his next words, "I'm sorry."

I reach out with trembling hands and take the note from the man.

Benji,

I wouldn't have gotten this far without you. I owe you everything.

I'm sorry. I love you.

Joel.

I slam the door on the officers and head straight for the kitchen. I don't even think about what I'm doing. All I can think is that this is my fault. This is all my fault. I could've gotten you through. You loved me, I could've gotten you through.

I pull a butcher's knife out of the drawer and in one clean motion I plunge it into my chest, right into my heart. I cry out in pain, but I'm smiling. I'm coming to be with you now. I couldn't help you in this world, so maybe I can help you in the next.

I tear my heart open just to feel