I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

I can't believe he could do this to me. He'd gone so, so long without a single drink, and in one night, he practically made up for every party we've been to that he played sober driver. And then he came home to me and demanded that I hop right on into bed with him.

"No, Benji. I can't believe you're drunk!"

He looks confused for a moment, then my words get through to his slow brain. "I'm not drunk," he slurs, "I six had only drinks! What's your problem?"

I roll my eyes and turn away from him. "You're so wasted, you don't even know what you're saying. Think I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

In a flash he's by my side, gripping my arm in his hand, strong from the constant use of his guitar. I wince as his fingernails dig into my bare flesh, and I know it's going to bruise. "No you fucking won't," he spits, eyes boring into mine, "you're coming to bed with me, just like every other night."

He sounds exactly like my father. Exactly like him. "Benji, let me go."

He stares at me for a moment longer, and his hand is so quick that I don't even see it coming until the stars explode in front of my eyes. He releases me and I stagger a little, and then regain my balance and look him in the eye. He's so drunk right now, I could easily bring my fist back and hammer it into him, but I won't. I won't be just like him, and I won't be just like my father.

I could be fake
I could be stupid
You know I could be just like you

I look at him, with his black eyeliner smudged all over his face, his four lip rings, all his tattoos... and it's all just a cover. This tough guy image is so wrong for him, really. The only time he actually suits the image is when he's drunk and angry like tonight. He spends so much time bitching about poseurs, but he's so fake.

I just stare at him, still bewildered that he could actually hit me, and he glowers back. I expect him to realize what he just did and hold me and apologize, like he used to when he drank every night. But this time is different. This time, he's making up for all the times when he could have been like this. It's been so long since I saw that look in his eye. The rage and the lust, mingling together to create someone who's nothing more than an animal. And not a very intelligent animal.

It's times like these I can't believe we're twins. He always tries so hard to make me like him. "You should wear eyeliner more often, Joel, it looks hot on you!", "I really like it when you wear black!", "You'd look sexy with a lip ring, babe!". I'm sick of it. Maybe I am his identical twin, but I'm still my own person.

You thought you were sitting beside me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you

I'm tired of living up to his expectations. I'm tired of being Benji. I'm Joel. Joel. All this time I've looked up to him. He's been my protector, my saviour, my guardian angel.

When we were sixteen and Dad left, he promised me that he'd always be there to keep me safe. He held me so many nights and promised that he'd never let anyone or anything hurt me again. He promised that he'd always be by my side, and he'd always guide me in the right direction. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. But mostly he didn't.

What he did do was hold me back. He controlled me. I let him control me, because I was him. I was so wrapped up in everything that Benji was that I felt like I became him. But I'm not him, and I don't want to be.

I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you

I try to pull away from him, and he hits me again. I know there are tears rolling down my cheeks now, but I don't care. "God, Joel, after everything I've done for you, you won't give me one lousy fuck?"

I've given myself to him, body and soul, so many times. When he used to get drunk, he'd hit me because he blamed me for 'turning him gay'. Now he's hitting me because I'm not gay enough, apparently. "Please don't do this, Benj, I love you."

I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you

He really is weak. He went so long without drinking, and then Tony offers him a night on the town and he's wasted in half an hour flat. I suspect that Tony only took him out because he thought if he could get my brother drunk, he'd forget me and fuck him. I have to wonder if it worked. "You don't love me," he snarls, "if you loved me you'd fuck me."

His logic is ridiculous. I want to sleep with him when he'll remember it, because I love him. Because I want to show him that I love him. I don't want to have sex with an agressive drunk who treats me like I'm nothing. But then again, he doesn't really have a lot of sense when he's like this.

I could break down and fuck him. I could be weak. But that's what he would do if the roles were reversed.

You thought you were sitting beside me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you

He holds me by my arms, looking sternly into my eyes, waiting for me to give in, just like all the other times. Just like he would. Because we're twins. We're supposed to always think the same, act the same, be the same. But I won't do it anymore. I'm Joel. I'm fucking Joel.

"I won't be just like you!"

I pull away from him and make a run for the door. He looks too surprised to follow me. I slam it shut behind me and I'm gone. He's gone.

On my own
'Cause I can't take living with you
I'm alone
So I won't turn out like you want me to

I hop in my car - my car, not ours, and start it. I wish I could stop snivveling like a little girl. He wouldn't cry like this.

As soon as the thought crosses my mind, I start to laugh. No, he wouldn't cry like this. I sob harder and harder, relishing the feeling of the tears moistening my face, washing away everything that is Benji. I back out of the driveway and just start driving. I don't even know where I'm going, but that's okay, 'cause Benji would know where he was going.

You thought you were sitting beside me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be
Just like you

I end up sitting on the beach, staring at the stars, remembering when things were different. When the words "number one single" were just figments of our dreamy imaginations, and we used to sit up all night just talking. We wanted the same things. We wanted to go to the same places and meet the same people. I was him and he was me, and we were fine with that, because we were both good people.

Look at him now. Mean, angry, cold, ruthless. Fake, stupid, weak, senseless. That might be who he is now, but it's not me. It's who he wants me to be, but it's not me.

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

I am Joel.