I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Oh my God. Did he just kiss me? Did Tony Lovato just kiss me? I've had feelings for Tony for as long as I can remember. He was the reason I came out. And I was coping with my feelings just fine until about thirty seconds ago, when his lips met mine.

It wasn't just any kiss, either. No matter how drunk he was, that is no way to kiss your best friend. Best friends do not kiss with tongue. Best friends don't grind up against each other. Best friends don't slip their hands under each other's shirts...

And now he's off again, laughing and mingling with everyone, and Joel is staring at me in shock. He's the only one who knows how I feel. He walks over to me and puts his arms around my shoulders, and I stare blankly at him. "Tell me that meant something to him, Joel," I murmur, "tell me that meant something."

Then she walks in.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I'm pretending to sleep in an armchair, and I can hear Chelsea calling a cab for two. They're going back to her place. It meant nothing. It was only a kiss. How can one kiss make me feel this way?

Tony lights a cigarette and she bums a drag off of him, giggling. It doesn't take long before they're making out and she's slipping her hands underneath his shirt. They're both all over the place, so wasted they're falling all over each other. "Chelsea, can't we wait 'til we get back to your place?"

It's time like this that I wish I was still allowed to drink. I wish I was so shitfaced that I had no idea what was going on. I don't want to be able to see anything. If I'd been drinking, I would have passed out by now. I wouldn't have to watch this. "Tony, I can't wait, need you to fuck me."

His beautiful, elegant hands are fumbling with the zip on her dress, struggling desperately to pull it off. Does he do it out of lust? Or does he feel for her the way I feel for him?

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control

I squeeze my eyes shut, resisting the urge to let out a choked sob. I wish Joel was still here with me. I wish he was here to put his arm around me and make everything okay. I wish he was here to yell at Tony for me, 'cause I know he would. I can just hear his voice now. "How can you kiss my brother, knowing he's gay, and then go off and fuck Chelsea with him in the room?"

But he's not here. He's upstairs with Chris, and I'm all alone.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

Part of me wants to get up, march over there, and haul the stupid slut off of him. She doesn't love him the way that I do. She never will. And he'll never love me the way that I love him.

I think this feeling is the price I pay for being gay. I call myself a christian, and I'm gay. God chooses to punish me by dangling the only thing in this world that I truly want right in front of my face, and then stealing it away just as I reach for it. Can't He see that I don't want to be a homosexual? It's what I am, not what I choose to be. Do I really deserve this punishment?

When I open my eyes again, she's on her knees in front of him. I have to close my eyes again, I can't watch this, knowing that I would do anything to be in her position right now.

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

Now I realize that one kiss will never be enough for me. If I never get to hold Tony in my arms again, kiss him again, if I never get to make love to him or whisper sweet nothings into his ear, then I'll never live again. That one brief moment was the only time in twenty-six years of existing that I actually lived.

I want him. I want all of him. I've got so many things I dreamed of having, and now there's only one thing missing.

I want it all.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control

I hear the cab's horn honking outside, and Chelsea's giggling. "Too drunk?"

Thank you Lord! Thank God for alcohol's effect on the labido! I manage to open my eyes for a brief moment, and Tony's picking her up. "You gotta get in the cab, babe, I've gotta stay here, promised I'd help clean up tomorrow."

If he promised he'd clean up tomorrow, he told Joel, not me. I don't care right now, though, because Chelsea's leaving, and Tony's staying. She presses her lips to his in a sloppy goodbye, and I have to squeeze my eyes shut again. It kills me every single fucking time I even think about them together now.

I was dealing just fine until he kissed me.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

She's gone, and I open my eyes to look at Tony. When I open them, he's looking back at me, studying the face he probably thought was sleeping. His eyes don't look glazed or blurry. They're bright and sharp. He's sober. That means he couldn't get it up for Chelsea...

Was he sober when he kissed me?

Destiny is calling me. I have to know, and I have to know now. "Tony... you kissed me..."

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

He walks over to my armchair and hovers over me for a moment, then plops himself in my lap. "I never..."

I search his eyes for the rest of his sentence, but I can't figure it out. "What? You never what?"

He smiles. "I never thought you'd kiss me back."

My hands tentatively creep their way up to the back of his neck, and I slowly draw his face towards mine. I expect him to push me away, but he doesn't. Instead, my lips capture his, and before I know what's happening, his tongue is exploring my mouth, and I'm living again.

Now I'm lying on my back on the couch, my arms clasped tightly around his naked, heaving body. I've just made love to the man who I'm destined to be with. I've got it all.

"I love you, Benji."

Let me correct myself. Now I've got it all.

I guess this is the bright side.