I open my eyes and look around. It's late afternoon, and we're in the car again. The landscape is completely unfamiliar - which isn't surprising, I'm used to be driven or flown anywhere I'm supposed to go. All I can see around me is just dry farmland, with the occasional group of cows in a paddock. "Where are we?"

Joel glances at me and smiles a little bit, but it's forced. He looks tired. Really, really tired. "No idea. I'm lost."

I sigh. It's not surprising, really. The only roads I know well enough to drive this far on are in Maryland. "Do you at least know what state we're in?"

He nods. "Texas."

We're silent for a few minutes, and I just stare at the road stretched in front of us. After a moment, I start to notice something. We're slowly drifting to the left. "Joel?"

I look at him, and his eyes are closed. He's asleep. I grab the wheel, pulling it back into a straight position, and shove the gearstick into neutral to slow it down, yelling at him. "Joel, wake the fuck up!"

He jerks awake and looks around quickly, establishing where he is, then takes the wheel from me, cursing under his breath. "Pull over. I'm driving."

He does as he's told, and when he's stopped on the side of the road, his head falls into his hands. I rub his back in a little circle as he starts to sob into his sleeve, then I unbuckle his seatbelt and wrap my arms around him, pulling his face against my chest. "Shh, Joel," I kiss the top of his head, "it's okay. We're okay. Nothing to cry about."

His hands grip the material of my shirt as his tears soak in, and he chokes out a few strangled words between pained cries. "So sorry, Billy, so sorry..."

I just hold him close, rocking him in my arms, and stroke his soft, messy hair. "S'okay, Joel. You just need to let me drive for a while, alright? You can get some sleep."

He nods, lifting his head to look me in the eyes. "Could've killed you, Billy."

He sounds so heartbroken at the idea of killing me. I wonder if he realizes that what he feels doesn't even come close to how I felt when he murdered Benji. It doesn't come close to how I still feel. God, I'm fucked up. The only reason I'm surviving is because I'm falling for the man who killed my soul mate. And I don't care. I don't give a damn, because he's the only thing that can make me happy right now, even if it's only momentary. Even if it's only because he serves as a substitute. I plant a kiss on his nose. "But you didn't. I'm fine."

"So tired, Billy."

"So tired, Billy."

Benji nuzzles his face into my chest and I slip my arms tentatively around his waist. I'm still not too comfortable with showing my affection for him, although he doesn't seem to have a problem with it at all. We're sitting in a broken down car, in the dark. We'd been on our way back from a day trip to Annapolis, and Benji had insisted he knew a shortcut. Isn't that the way most problems start when you're on a road trip?

So here we are, in the middle of nowhere, and Benji's managed to get our front wheels stuck in some mud. We can't go anywhere until someone comes along - and I don't think that's happening anytime soon. We're stuck here for the night. What's more, we're just about out of gas, and when the gas has dried up, we're going to have to rely on the battery for heat. And when the battery is flat...

Well, I suppose I can't complain. It's an excuse to snuggle up to Benji, after all.

"Why are you tired? You slept until like midday."

He shakes his head. "I didn't get to sleep until about 7. And then... I keep having these nightmares."

I frown and cuddle him closer, pressing my lips to his forehead. "ABout what?"

"About Dad. He comes back and tries to kill me. Then I wake up."

His bluntness astounds me. There's no feeling in his voice - it's like his Dad left him so broken that all he can do is pretend he's not hurting. He pretends he's not angry, when really, he's furious. He can't hide the hate from me - it radiates from his body, even when he goes off into whatever happy place he seems to have. His eyes have glazed over now, the same way they had when he was about to be raped. "That's not going to happen, Benj," I try to reassure him, "and if it did, I'd have your back."

He grins a little. "I know. You're my knight in shining armour."

I puff out my chest, pretending to be strong and masculine - everything he is, and everything I'm not. "I'll get all medieval on his ass."

He laughs. "The scrawniest knight in all the land!"

I playfully punch his shoulder, and he pulls me in for a kiss. I cup his face in my hands, and he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth. Before I know it, he's straddling my lap, pushing his lips hard on mine, his tongue fighting with my own for dominance. His hands are resting on my waist, but then they slowly start to creep up my shirt. He starts to grind against me, and while every part of my body wants to arch up into him, my brain is screaming. Not like this, not like this. I shove him back, and he stares at me in shock, his back pressed against the dashboard. "I'm sorry, Billy," he murmurs, "Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry, I just... I mean..."

I push a finger against his lips and he looks past me, not willing to meet my eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong."

He bites on his lip. "Then what's the problem?"

"I haven't done this before. I want... I want it to be special, not in the backseat of a car when it's about three degrees outside."

He nods, climbing out of my lap, and he settles himself back in the driver's seat. "You can have as long as you want. I don't care if we never... sex doesn't matter."

I nod slowly, and we're silent for a long time. At first I think he's fallen asleep, and I set about the same task, but then he speaks. "Billy?"

I open my eyes and turn my head to face him. "Yeah?"

"I think you can make the nightmares go away."

"Of course you're tired, Joel. You've been driving all day."

Joel shakes his head, staring at me forlornly. "It's not that. I've been having nightmares, Billy."

I don't say anything for a long time, because I'm scared. I'm scared because I know what the nightmares are about, and I don't want to hear about it. But at the same time, I want nothing more right now than to comfort him - well, there is one thing I want more, but Benji's not coming back. "Nightmares about what?"

"He trusted me," Joel's voice is barely a choked whisper, "even when I wrapped my hands around his throat, he trusted me. He thought I was just messing around. When I started to squeeze, he looked so confused..."

I open the car door and get out. I can't stand to hear it. I know he's sheilding me already - he's not going into further detail for my sake, but it still hurts. I can see his face right now, I can see the look in his eyes that told of his unyielding faith in his brother, and I can see that faith crash and burn when he finally realized what was happening.

Joel gets out of the car and walks over to my side, placing a hand on my shoulder. When I don't shrug him off, his arm wraps around my waist, and he pulls my body against his so we're chest-to-chest. Then he says something that surprises me, and at the same time I knew it all along. "I miss him too, Billy."

Then he kisses me, and I cling to him for dear life. No matter how many times I tell myself that he's not Benji, some part of my mind still believes he is. Some part of my mind needs him to keep on going, because he's all I really have left. His tongue pushes its way into my mouth as our kiss becomes more heated, and he's pushed me up against the car, tangling his hands in my stringy hair. He moves just that little bit closer and I feel the hardness in his pants, rubbing against my own. I feel a stab of guilt as I realize that I'm not even sure whether it was Joel that turned me on, or my thoughts of Benji. I push him away quickly, and he takes a couple of steps back, regaining his balance. He doesn't look annoyed or shocked, just tired. "Not here, Joel," my reasons are all lies, but I spew them out anyway, "people could drive past, it's not comfortable, y'know."

He nods and opens the car door, hopping in the passenger side. "We have time. I don't care if we never have sex, as long as we're together."

I smile and walk around the car, hopping in the driver's seat. The engine's still running, so I shove it into gear and start driving. Joel immediately closes his eyes, and I assume he's fallen asleep. Apparently I'm wrong. "Billy?"

I just about jump right out of my skin. "Yeah?"

"I think you can make the nightmares go away."