I wish this wasn't so familiar. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish they weren't so alike. I wish this wasn't the exact same situation Benji first kissed me in. I wish Joel didn't hold me the same. I wish my hands didn't drop my bag and creep up to his face the same way. I wish his lips didn't feel exactly the same as Benji's. I wish I wasn't kissing him back the same way I'd kissed Benji back so long ago. I wish I wasn't enjoying it.

I wish he was Benji.

He pulls away and looks at me, grinning and blushing the same way my boyfriend did all those years ago. I can't deny that he looks adorable. I wish I could though. God, this is all so wrong. Whoa, I think my heart just kicked back in.

I needed that. I needed that so much. He kissed me the same way you kiss the person you love. The person you truly intend to spend the rest of your life with. The person you'd die for. He kissed me the way Benji used to kiss me. The way I used to kiss Benji. All the feelings, all the emotional highs come rushing back, filling my head with a kind of happy haze.

Joel opens the door, still smiling tentatively and blushing. "Okay. We can go now."

I just nod and follow him out the door to the car, and I know a goofy grin is plastered on my face. I wish I could wipe it off.

I wake up a couple of hours later and look around. We're driving on some deserted highway in the middle of nowhere, and Joel's just flicked the radio on. Woohoo, just in time for the news. More depressing bullshit about war and famine and natural disasters. Just what I always wanted. "The body of Benjamin Madden, one of the frontmen of the popular band Good Charlotte, has been discovered today in the basement of his home in Los Angeles, a day after twin brother Joel Madden and bandmate William Martin were reported missing. Police say they believe the two missing persons may have also been killed, despite numerous sightings. In other news..."

I stare at the radio for a moment before turning it off. Of course they're going to be looking for us. Of course it's going to be on the news. I glance at Joel, but I can't read his expression. It's somewhere between upset and relieved. "They don't realize you did it, Joel."

He nods slowly but doesn't say anything. We sit in silence for a while, and then I spot a small town coming up over the horizon. In a couple of minutes, Joel's pulled up into the gas station. "Stay here," he orders.

"Stay here. Be ready to drive if I come running."

I sigh an exasperated sigh. We've pulled up outside of a dark, dingy looking house, and Benji's readying himself to go inside. The whole place is freaking me out, it looks like a fucking witch's house or something. "I'm not letting you go in there alone. Whose house is it?"

He shrugs, looking off into the distance. The kiss this morning was perfect, and I'd really like a repeat performance sometime soon, which basically means I'm going to need Benji in one piece. I don't know where the hell we are, or who the guy I love's gotten himself into trouble with, but I've gotta find some way to help him. "Someone who used to be my," he pauses, "my friend. They've got something I want. And you're nto coming."

And that's when the fear hits me. All of a sudden, there are tears welling up in my eyes and my hands are shaking like crazy. He notices this and leans towards me, taking my hands in his. "Hey, what's the matter?"

"Don't leave me all alone."

My voice sounds so pathetic that I want to slap myself. How could a 15-year-old boy sound so horribly weak? Benji pulls me into his arms and hugs me, embracing my thin, frail form. I snuggle my head into his shoulder. "What's the matter, Billy? Why are you so worried?"

"Because I love you."

I regret my words immediately and he pulls away in shock, still gripping my shoulders. His eyes search mine, trying to establish whether I'm telling the truth or not, and for a long time he doesn't say anything. I can't meet his eyes anymore. How could I have changed so much in a couple of days? What happened to the Billy who couldn't open up to anybody? What's so different about Benji Combs? What is it that makes me turn into a quivvering, sniffling mess?

I see his hand reach for me out of the corner of my eye, and then it cups my chin, turning my head to face him. "Billy... you mean it?"

Well, I'm already wet now, I might as well jump right on in the water. "Yeah. I want to help you, like you helped me."

He frowns. "This guy is dangerous. I want you to be completely sure you want to come with me."

I just nod, a slight smile breaking onto my face. "I can't let you go through this shit alone."

He nods stiffly, turning away and opening the car door. He swings his legs out, settling them on solid ground, then stop and turns his head to face me. "Billy?"

I want to slip into his dark eyes and get lost forever. "Yeah?"

"I love you too."

"Don't leave me all alone," I beg, and Joel turns to face me, brown eyes clouded with confusion.

"What? Why?"

I want him so badly to be Benji. Sometimes, before I catch myself, I really do think he's Benji, and I start to make a joke about something that only we knew about, one of the silly conversations we used to have when we were lying in bed together, curled up in each other's arms. I want to replay every little memory I have of Benji. With Joel, I come pretty close sometimes. Like the way he kissed me. It was like some kind of twisted deja vu. That's why I can't help saying what I say next - I'm not saying it to Joel at all, I'm saying it to the person I wish he was. I'm saying it to the person he murdered. "Because I love you."

He just smiles. "Alright, come with me then."

We go to hop out of the car, and I get a chill up my spine as I hear his voice again. The same tone, the same voice as his brother. "Billy?"

I turn to face him, but I don't see Joel. I see Benji, exactly the way he was. No random colour in his hair, no lip piercings, just Benji the way he was on that day. "Yeah?"

His smile broadens. "I love you too."