It's been six days.

Six days since I've showered, six days since I've shaved, six days since I've changed my clothes. Hell, I've barely left ths couch in the past six days, save bathroom trips. Mom's been insisting that I eat at least one meal a day, but I can barely manage half of it. Sometimes I throw it up again. I haven't been sleeping more than a couple of hours a night, either. I'm exhausted, but whenever I try to sleep, the thoughts start plaguing me. Is Benji okay? And if he is okay, what's he doing with Tony? Is he holding him? Is he kissing him? Is he... sleeping with him?

The jealousy is driving me mad.

Six days since I heard from him. Six days since he left, to save me. Billy and me.

I've been crying so much that I can't tell whether I am or not anymore. My eyes feel like they're slowly but surely burning away, leaving black, empty sockets behind. So playing Madden all the time probably isn't helping, but I do it anyway. I've gotten pretty good, but I have to keep resetting it because I don't want to erase Benji's name from the high scores.

There's a knock at the door and Sarah goes to answer it. I listen carefully to hear the voice of the visitor. Every time the phone rings or there's a knock at the door, I pray it's Benji. Which is stupid, really, because he would never knock. This is his home. "Hey, Sarah, is Joel around?"

It's Paul. I should've known, he's been around here for hours every day, checking up on me and just hanging out even though I barely say anything. I wish I could say something. Every time I try to speak I end up just bursting into tears. He's even gotten used to me freaking out about resetting the playstation when we beat a high score. Not to mention all the other little things, like how I wouldn't let him use Benji's controller so he had to use a spare. I guess I just keep thinking that if I keep everything the way it was, it'll be the way it was.

He walks in and I sit up on the couch so he can fit. He looks surprised, as he is every day, to see that I still haven't showered or at the very least changed my clothes. I'm growing quite an impressive beard now. "Hey, Joel," he sits down beside me, "how you feeling?"

I just grunt in response, and he sighs. "Everyone's really worried about you."

I grunt again. As if I care that everyone's worried about me. they shouldn't be worried about me, they should be worried about Benji; he's the one who's in trouble. My cell phone rings and Paul reaches for it. "Don't pick it up," I grab Paul's arm, but not too hard, "it'll just be Steve again. He won't leave me alone."

He shakes his head and picks it up, but doesn't press the 'answer' button. "Nah, it's not Steve," he shoves it into my hands, "it's Billy."

I groan. I don't need two of my best friends on my case.

Wait.

I fumble with the phone and hit about three different buttons before I get the right one, and practically scream into the reciever. "Hello?"

"You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear your voice."

Okay, this time, I know I'm crying. I can't even manage to choke out a reply, I'm sobbing so hard, and I can hear the smile in his voice. "Hey, Joel, don't cry, you didn't really think I wasn't going to call, did you?"

I say the only thing I can think of saying. "I love you."

I can almost see that big goofy grin on his face. "Love you too," then his voice cracks a little, "and I miss you, so bad..."

Paul is looking at me inquisitively, obviously more than a little confused. I just ignore him. It's not like I wanted him here anyway. If it makes him feel better to check up on me all the time, fine, whatever, but I don't have to be nice, do I?

All of a sudden I have a million questions. "Are you okay? Has he hurt you? Has he... has he been kissing you? Has he been..."

I trail off, but I know he understands what I was going to ask. He sighs. "I'm fine, he hasn't hurt me, and I have had to kiss him a few times," he hurries to finish what he's saying before my jealousy can overcome, "but I didn't want to, you know that. And I haven't slept with him, either. He wanted me to, but I couldn't. I told him I was still hurting... guilt trip works every time."

I can tell he's forcing laughter into his voice for my benefit. he must be terrified. How can he do this? He's so selfless. God, I love him. "Joel, I need to see you."

I suck in a breath, pulling my knees to my chest. "How?"

The excitement in his voice is all too evident. He's got this all planned out already. He's as desperate to be with me as I am to be with him. I wonder if he's been as miserable as I have - of course not, he's too strong for that. He's too strong to shut down the way that I have. He's doing what he has to do. For me. "Well, we'll be in New York tomorrow, I need you to fly in and meet me at five in the afternoon, okay? In the lobby of that hotel we stay at when we're filming ATR. that's where the two of us are staying."

I frown and bite my lip. "How are you planning on keeping this from Tony?"

He's getting happier with each and every word. "Well, Tony's got an appointment with his lawyer at five. It'll take a couple of hours."

I can't help but smile. I'm going to see Benji tomorrow. My beautiful, beautiful Benji. "Okay. I'll be there."

His voice is beautiful when he's as happy as he is right now. "Okay! Thank you! I better go before Tony gets back, he just went to go get a pizza. I love you!"

"Love you too. Bye."

He hangs up the phone and I turn to Paul, who's sitting beside me, obviously having figured out that it was Benji on the phone, not Billy. "What's the deal?"

I just grin like an idiot and hug Paul, and he hugs me back reluctantly. "You do know that you stink, right?"

I blush and pull away. "Sorry. Just... so happy. Benji wants me to meet him in New York tomorrow."

Paul smiles, but I know him too well to trust that smile. He's forcing it, and I immediately kick myself. I didn't mean to hurt him, I was just so excited. "That's great, Joel."

I stand up and lift both hands to my face, running them over my hairy chin, and I wrinkle up my nose. "God, I need to get cleaned up. Can't let him see me like this."

Part of me knows there are going to be consequences. There are going to be things I'll have to deal with that I won't be able to handle. But I don't care. All that matters is that tomorrow, Benji will be in my arms. We can work it out from there.

What will happen next? I don't wanna know.