Chapter 13 - Rather Waste Some Time With You
Yes, I was listening to The Used. So sue me.)
"We took a drive aaaaand, we drove through DeeCeeeee," Benji sings - terribly - and I roll my eyes, but I can't help but join in, "to seeeee the places we liiiiiived! Long conversatiooooons, we talked of old friiiiiends..."
We're on the way to - surprise, surprise - DC for the day, just to hang out and visit some of the places we've missed. I wish we could convince Mom to move here instead of staying in shitty ol' Waldorf, but she insists that she loves the hole. I'm driving and sadly, yes, I am singing along to a song I wrote. Since I'm starting to feel just a tad arrogant, I point at the glove box. "Benj, put my MXPX CD on."
He pouts. "What, my singing not good enough for you?"
I smirk. "Your singing is fine, but I feel like listening to MXPX. You know, just to reminisce about the time Mike and I got stuck in the elevator, and he got on his knees..."
A mock scowl forms on his face, and then he laughs. "You wish, buddy, Mike's all about the Benj machine."
He opens the glove box and starts flipping through my CDs. Then he stops, and I figure he's found the one I'm talking about - Before Everything and After, my favourite. Lucky I'm not my twin, or I would still feel arrogant. He rolls down the window and breaks two of my CDs over his knee. "Benji? What the fuck? Did you just throw my MXPX CDs out the window?"
He shakes his head and stares at me, and I realize I can't read his expression very well at all. There's some kind of pain in it, but I can't put my finger on it. "No. They were 'Destination Unknown' and 'Mest'."
I glance at him apologetically. "Oh. Sorry."
He shrugs as he finds the right CD and sticks it in the stereo, turning up the volume. "S'okay."
I glance in my rear view mirror. "That car's been following us for a while now."
The car's been hanging back far enough that I can't see the driver, and I know Benji can hear the nervousness in my voice. "Yeah. Probably heading for DC too."
I nod. Right. That's all it is. "Play it loooooooud," Benji starts singing badly again, and I grin and join in, "play it looooooud, raise your vooooooice, shout it oooooooooooout..."
We're in DC now, and we've swapped positions, 'cause I was tired of driving. I think maybe I shouldn't have let him behind the wheel, he tends to get road rage. "C'mon, c'mon," he whines, "I wanna see our old spot!"
His hand is gripping the gearstick tightly, and I gently place my hand over his, running my thumb gently along his in what I hope is a soothing way. "Patience, young Benjamin."
He frowns at my use of his full name, but it slowly breaks into a smile. "Yeah, I guess we're not that far away now."
I pull my hand away from his and he pouts, then points up ahead with his now free hand. "Look! There's the turnoff! It's been way too long, Joel."
It has been too long. We used to go to this place whenever we wanted to escape, whenever we wanted to be alone when we were younger. We've never told anyone else about it, and I hope no one else ever discovers it, because it's beautiful, and it's ours. I grin, watching him bounce up and down in his seat with excitement. He's like the freakin' Energizer Bunny sometimes, he has all this energy and it just never stops.
He turns on his blinkers - but not nearly for long enough - and turns left, parking - crookedly - about halfway up the dead end street. We hop out of the car and it bleeps as he locks it and the alarm turns on. He walks over to me and slings his arm around my shoulders, leading me towards our destination. We disappear into the trees, following a well-worn path that's been there for years.
After about ten minutes, we spot the big tree with "GC" carved into it, and turn left, off the path. His arm slowly slips down from my shoulders and wraps around my waist, and I can't help but get a chill. My hand rests on the small of his back, and every few seconds I glance at him and he looks back at me, grinning. "Nearly there," he says softly, and I just nod.
It's been more than a year, but when we come into the clearing, I can see our place hasn't changed at all. The stream still runs down the middle of the clearing, reflecting the colour of the sky. The two boulders we used to sit on are still standing beside the water, set deep into the ground, smooth from the wear of rainwater. The trees are at least five times our height, and they cast shadows across the ground that I always found striking, especially on really sunny days like this one. I lift my head to the sky, sheilding my eyes with my free hand. "Still as beautiful as ever," I murmur.
He pulls away from me and my heart sinks a little as he makes his way over to 'his' boulder and sits on it, facing away from me, towards the stream. I stay where I am until he turns around and pats 'my' boulder. "Yes, you are as beautiful as ever," he jokes, "but could you find it in your heart to sit with an ugly beast like me?"
I make my way over and swat him on the arm. "Liar," he grins at me, figuring I'm complimenting him, "I'm more beautiful than ever."
He chuckles and slips his arm around me again, and I rest my head on his shoulder. "This place brings back so many memories..."
I don't need to look at my brother to know he's smiling. "Yeah, like when we were sixteen and you fell off the boulder into the stream," he laughs, "and then at the gig we played like half an hour after, I told the audience you pissed yourself."
I flash him a dirty look, and he just laughs harder. "I was thinking more like a few days after Dad left and we came here."
He's silent for a while. I look up and find he's got his eyes closed, and I wonder for a moment if he's somehow fallen asleep sitting up. My questions are answered a second later. "That's when I knew."
"Knew what?"
He looks into my eyes and presses his forehead against mine. "That the love I felt for you went way beyond brotherly. I should've told you back then. I wish I had."
I don't say anything. I just hop onto his boulder and settle myself in his lap, nuzzling my face into his neck. He pulls me tightly against him, a soft smile on his face, then I feel his hand underneath my chin, lifting it up so we lock eyes. His warm brown eyes are twinkling as he stares down at me, the corners of his lips still curled upwards slightly. He looks beautiful. I can't help but wonder how one twin can be so good looking while the other's just... well, average, at best. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Joel," he whispers, "but I love you in every way you can possibly love somebody."
My arms wrap around his neck and I kiss him deeply, savouring everything about this moment. Our surroundings, the feeling of his cold piercings against my warm lips, his arm around my waist, his hand underneath my chin, tilting it towards him... this is perfect. I moan softly as he pushes his tongue inside me, exploring the depths of my mouth. He's so tender, so loving, so much better than anyone else I've ever kissed, and I know that he's never kissed anyone quite the same way. Our lips just feel like they were made for each other's, moving in perfect time. Our hearts are in perfect time, too, I note to myself as he pulls my body against his chest.
Then I hear it. A soft click, not far away. I pull away from Benji and look around quickly, but I can't see anything. "Joel? Everything okay?"
I look back at him, and his worried frown matches my own. "I thought I heard something."
He shrugs. "Well, I didn't," he plants another quick kiss on my lips, "you need to chill out, Joely. Stop being so paranoid."
I know he's worried too, but he tries so hard not to show it. I can see it in the way we'll be talking and he'll quickly glance around, scanning the area. The way he chews on his lip ring, looking at his feet. The way he flinches just that tiny little bit every time the wind rustles through the trees.
We've been there for close to two hours when I can't bear it anymore. Even if there is somebody there, I have to know now. I have to know where we stand. "Benj?"
He opens his eyes and presses his nose against mine. "Yeah?"
"Are you mine?"
He looks a little taken aback for a moment, then he nods, his nose rubbing on mine. "Yeah, Joel, I'm yours."
"And only mine?"
His lips are on mine momentarily, soft and sweet, and before I have time to clear my head and kiss him back, he's pulled away and he's singing again. Except this time it actually sounds good. "There's just no one who gets me like you do... you are my only, my only one."
This time I'm sure I hear footsteps behind us, but he pulls me close and I try to forget. I have to live for this moment, because it's beautiful.
It's perfect.