Chapter 10 - We Are All Innocent
I've been in hospital nearly three weeks now, and I'm finally allowed out of bed, so we're off to the children's ward, as promised. "Only for a couple of hours, though," Melanie scolds me, "and if you're under too much strain you tell a nurse and she'll send you right back here in a wheelchair, alright?"
I nod and, on impulse, hug her as I climb out of bed. She laughs, surprised, and then hugs me back. I kiss her cheek as I pull away. "Thank you."
She just grins. "Have fun, Joel."
Benji is watching this whole scene with a slightly amused expression on his face, but he does look a little uncomfortable with it all, and he keeps chewing on his middle lip ring, a habit he has when something is bothering him. He gently lays a hand on my arm and tugs on it, towards the door. I shake my head. "First, I have to do something else."
I go to the window and pull the blinds. Not many people continue to hang around day in day out, waiting for a glimpse of us, but there are still about twenty people - mostly girls - hanging around outside my window. They're not looking at me right now though, until they hear the sound of the latch as I tug the window open. Benji walks over and stands behind me, a grin on his face, and peers over my shoulder. I give the girls a little wave, and they all cheer. It still amazes me that I can have such an effect on anyone. Once they've quietened down a bit, I start speaking. Well, more like yelling, really, from way up here. "Thank you for being here, guys. I love you all!"
They cheer again and I close the window, turning to face my twin. He just looks at me for a moment with a smile, then takes my arm. "Ready to go now? The kids are waiting."
I nod, and go to meet Billy, Paul and Chris, who are waiting outside.
The first thing that hits me upon entering the children's ward is the horrible sound of these kids in agony. I wonder how anyone ever gets any sleep, with the pained, strangled cries that seem to never stop. I try not to act phased by this as a nurse approaches us at the door.
The doctors allowed me to dress as normal for this visit, deciding that it would be more comfortable for the children as well as myself. I can tell the nurse is a little intimidated by our little group, all decked out in black. It could be worse, today my shirt covers my tattoos and I'm not wearing any eyeliner. "You must be the boys from Good Charlotte."
Introductions are made, and soon enough we're off to the rooms where they want us to spend the most time - the terminal kids. It breaks my heart to walk in there and see all these children, few older than thirteen or fourteen, who have no future. The ones that strike me the most are the cancer patients. They look like shells of people, with sunken eyes and pale skin. They seem to take an immediate liking to Chris, teasing him by saying he must have cancer, too, but underneath the laughter there is something truly sinister. Their giggling is hollow and fake.
I make my way over to talk to a girl who looks to be about twelve, sitting on her bed in the far corner. The other kids seem to just ignore her; I suppose she doesn't get along so well with them. I sit in the chair beside her bed. "Hi. I'm Joel."
She doesn't even look at me. "I know who you are. The resident celebrity."
She sounds so cold. So... unfeeling. So this is why the others ignore her. I can't deny that I'm a little taken aback by her reaction. "Yeah, I guess I am," I say softly.
We sit in silence for a moment. I really don't know what to say to her, all I know is I want to make her better. I was drawn to her, I guess, because she was alone. I think I thought I could relate to her. I was sadly mistaken. "Look, I don't know what you want," she says bitterly, "but I've got a month at most to live, and meeting the famous Joel Madden wasn't exactly high on my wish list. Stop wasting my time."
There was a time when this would've offended me. Back when I was eighteen, and we were just starting out. Back when I hadn't hardened to the criticism. I feel like I should be offended, like she wants me to be offended, but I'm not. I shift in my seat so my whole body is facing her, and I stare at her face, trying to get her to look me in the eye. "What if I want to meet you?"
She glances at me, surprised, and then turns away again. "No one wants to meet me."
There's a tap on my shoulder, and I turn to see a boy who can't be more older than eight staring at me, grin plastered on his face. "Hey, Joel, right? Could I get a picture?"
I grin. "Sure, buddy, could ya give me just a minute? I'll be right over, I promise."
He nods and bounds over to Benji, who laughs at his energy. I smile at my brother, and then turn back to the girl on the bed. "What's your name?"
She stares at me for a moment, as if she can't believe I'd really want anything to do with her. "Teesha."
I give her the best smile I can manage. Inside, I feel like watching her is chipping away at my heart, creating a nice big hole there that I can't imagine ever filling again. "Well, Teesha, even if you don't like me, or my band or whatever, I'm going to write a song for you."
I'm not lying. From the moment I saw her, sitting alone on her bed in the corner, knees drawn to her chest, there were a few lines that kept repeating in my head.
What is wrong with this world?
Why does no one care for this girl?
Still so young, sick, on her own
But I won't let her die alone
She keeps on staring. "I'll never hear it."
I shrug. "That's not the point. The wolrd will hear it, and they'll wish they met Teesha."
"Too late," she whispers, tears in her eyes, and I shake my head.
"It's never too late for a legacy."
She says nothing, just looks away, and I stand up. "I'll be coming back to see you tomorrow."
About ten minutes after I've been ordered back to my room, Melanie arrives, long red hair flowing behind her in her hurry. "Joel! Just wanted to say goodbye before I left for the day, since I won't be here all weekend."
Benji frowns at me as I climb out of bed and cross the room to hug her goodbye. "Aww, that's sweet, Mel," I grin, "seeya Monday."
She gives Benji a little wave and then leaves, and I hop back into bed. I barely hurt at all anymore; I don't know why they're keeping me here. Benji closes his eyes, and he's so quiet for so long that I think he's fallen asleep. I close my eyes, deciding I could use some rest as well, but as soon as I do, I hear his voice. "Joel?"
I turn my head to look at him, and he stares back at me, expression confused. Hurt, even. "Are you into her?"
I blink. "What? Who?"
"Melanie. Are you into her?"
I can't help it - I laugh. He's jealous. He's jealous, because he thinks I'm attracted to a girl. I guess he's confused about where the two of us stand, too. "No, Benj, I don't have a crush on my nurse."
He lets out a little sigh of what I can only assume is relief, and he stands up, only to sit back down again on the side of my bed. "Good," he murmurs, then looks at the clock, "I have to go."
I wince inwardly as I realize he's right. Visiting hours are over, and pretty soon the bitchy night nurse will be around to kick him out. I sit up in my bed and wrap my arms around him, hugging him for the first time since I got stuck in this stupid place. He hugs me back, but not too tight. He's still worried about hurting me, as always.
Then he pulls away and plants a quick kiss on my lips. "Love you, Joel."
I stare into his warm brown eyes for a moment, a soft smile on my face, and then lean in to kiss him again. This time, though, it's not a quick peck like the others, it's a deep, caring kiss - the kind lovers share. His hands get tangled in my hair as he presses his lips harder against mine, and I gently run my tongue over his lip. He gets the message and opens his mouth, pushing his tongue out to meet mine, and in a few moments we're both lying on my hospital bed. Because I'm incapable of rational thought right now, my hands start creeping up the back of his shirt, slowly tugging it up over his chest. He grunts and pulls away, and I can't help but whimper. "Joel... this isn't right."
I know I can't hide the hurt in my eyes. "This isn't what you want?"
He chuckles. "It is what I want... I mean, this isn't the right place, the right time... the night nurse'll be here any minute..."
He trails off and I nod, lifting my hands to cup his face. He places one of his hands over mine and grins a little. "'Night, Joel."
I pull my hands away from him reluctantly. "'Night, Benj. Love you too."
He stands up and walks to the doorway, and for a moment his silhouette hovers. "Sweet dreams, baby bro."
Then he's gone, and I'm left to another lonely night in the hospital. My thoughts stray to Teesha, and I realize that I don't even know what loneliness truly is.