Chapter 09 - Everything Sucks When You're Gone
After a few days in hospital, I've made friends with the day nurse who comes to look after me. She mentioned a couple of days after I woke up that she happened to be a fan, and we got talking about all the bands we liked and ended up having a lot in common. She likes Mest, and when she asked me who attacked me, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. We're on a first name basis, which is actually fairly practical, considering there's another Mr. Madden always hanging around my ward who only leaves at night. "Melanie!" I cry as she visits me for the first time today.
She flashes me a grin and checks my monitors quickly. "How's my favourite patient feeling?" Then she pauses, "Don't tell the others I said that."
I laugh, which is becoming increasingly more comfortable, and pat my stomach. "I'm a little hungry, actually. Think you can hook me up?"
She nods and grins again. "Sure, I'd better do it before your brother gets here and starts feeding you junk food."
I smirk. Benji had been so attentive, as soon as I even mentioned food, he'd be off to get some for me. They don't sell a lot of healthy food though - which is strange, considering it's a hospital. "Oh, and the crummy hospital food is any better?"
She gives me a little wave as she leaves the room. "I'll be right back."
As soon as she's gone, the loneliness bird swoops over me again. I know I was put in a private ward for good reason, but when you're not allowed out of bed to go visiting people, it gets pretty miserable. Benji's here as soon as visiting hours start - I finally managed to convince him to go get some real sleep - but the nights are long and it's hard to sleep on my own in a hospital. It's the smells that really bother me, the blood and vomit and disinfectant really gets up my nose. Once I'm well enough to be walking around again, everyone from GC's volunteered to go and visit the children's ward and hang out for a day, read them stories and stuff like that. I've always liked kids, but with the way my lifestyle's going at the moment, I'm not sure I'll ever have any of my own.
Then Melanie walks back in, carrying a tray with my breakfast on it. She sets it down on the bedside table, then adjusts my bed so I'm sitting up a little further. She sets up the little tray in front of me and grins. "Need any help eating?"
I shake my head, picking up my fork. I can eat most of it with one hand anyway, and I'm capable of using my other hand quite a bit now - although I have to rest it occasionally or it all gets too painful. Benji was all too happy to help me eat whenever he was around, but I always felt so weak. He's always looked out for me, but it's still pretty degrading having to sit there and be spoon fed. It was even worse the time Paul had to do it 'cause Benji took an interview to make a statement on my condition.
I look at the clock on the wall. Benji should be arriving any minute now. Sure enough, as Melanie leaves the room I hear her greet him, and then he wanders in, a grin plastered on his face. "How ya doin', baby bro?"
I finish my mouthful and he leans over and gives me a quick kiss hello before taking a seat beside my bed. I can't believe how bizarre our relationship has become lately, I don't really know where we stand. Most of the kisses he gives me are just little pecks, but I don't know if this is because he's afraid someone will walk in, or because I'm still just his brother, and nothing more. But then there'll be that occasional evening, when no one's been in to check on me for ages, and his lips will linger on mine as he kisses me goodbye, his tongue running softly along my bottom lip. It makes me shivver just to think about it. "I'm feeling pretty good, Melanie's been taking good care of me."
"So no risk of a heart attack?"
I stare at him blankly, blinking a couple of times. "No. As if there was any risk of that in the first place."
He looks at his feet for a moment, then nods. "Good, 'cause I have to tell you something."
Oh, dammit. This has got to be bad. "Aight," I say in my best ghetto voice, trying not sound worried, "what is it?"
"I brought someone with me today," he says slowly, "someone you might not wanna see."
I immediately tense up. He did not bring Tony here. Why would he do that? I thought he hated Tony as much as I did! I thought he'd finally figured out the truth about the asshole. I guess not. "Why the fuck did you think it'd be a good idea to bring Tony here, Benj?"
He stares at me for a moment, surprised, then laughs. "I didn't. Relax, it's just Matt."
I'm not hungry anymore, and I shove the tray away from me. Part of me seriously debates whether Matt being around is any better than his cousin. When I speak, my voice sounds weak and pathetic. "Is he mad at me? Will you stay while he's here?"
He smiles, taking my hand, and gives it a little squeeze. "Of course I will. And Matt's not mad at you; if anything he feels guilty. He had no idea Tony could get like that..."
He looks off out the window for a moment, biting his lip. I tug on his hand to get his attention. "Are you gonna go get him, then?"
Benji gives me a little smile and releases my hand, standing up. "Sure. Be right back."
He leaves, and returns a minute later with Matt trailing behind him. He grins as his eyes lock on mine, and I can't help but grin back. This is normal Matt, although he does look a little nervous. "How's it going, Lovato?"
As soon as I say it, I feel a compelled to smack myself in the head. It just remind me so much of the other Lovato. I can tell this makes Benji uncomfortable, too. Matt just laughs. "Isn't that the question I should be asking you?"
They take seats on either side of the bed, and I launch into a rant about hospital food and how much I miss sleeping in a real bed. After a few minutes, I can tell he and Benji are both getting increasingly uncomfortable, and I wonder if I'm saying the wrong thing. "Matt, is something the matter?"
He sucks in a deep breath, then lets it out slowly. When he starts talking, his voice is shaky. "I'm sorry, Joel."
I look to Benji, who obviously knows what's going on, then back at Matt. "For what?"
He looks at me with guilty eyes. "He's my cousin. I had to bail him out, you get that, right?"
My blood runs cold. Tony's not in prison. He could be in the hospital right now, planning on coming after me. I nod, but I'm unable to look Matt in the eye right now. I know he had to do it, they're family, but I'm still scared. Then Benji grunts. "It gets worse."
My eyes widen and I stare at Matt, waiting for him to continue. "Please, don't hate me, Joel," he murmurs, and pauses for what seems like an eternity, "he's gone missing. He ran away. The police think he was spotted at the airport and he's left the country."
But what if he hasn't left the country? What if he's here, waiting for me to get out? I can't help it - I start sobbing. My whole body wretches and it hurts so badly that I sob harder and make it worse. Benji looks at Matt. "I think you should leave."
He nods and whispers a goodbye before exiting the room, leaving Benji to pick up the pieces, as he's done so many times before. He kisses my cheeks and my eyelids, holding my hand in his, and he smiles at me. "You have no idea how much I wanna just give you a big hug right now."
My breathing is becoming more even and the pain is subsiding slowly as I stare at his smiling face. "Wish you could," I murmur softly.
There's a long pause, and he looks off out the window again. I squeeze his hand to get his attention. "Benji?"
His eyes come back into contact with mine, and he waits for me to continue. "What if he comes back?"
He smiles and kisses me again, keeping his face close to mine as he replies. "Then I'll protect you."
I frown, not satisfied with this reply. "But who's gonna protect you?"
He sighs, his warm breath tickling my face, then pulls away from me and leans back in his chair. "Don't worry about me. You just focus on getting better."
But I am worried about him.