Chapter 07 - Your Fucking Pain is So Deserving
Mest fans... how ironic is that title?
It sounds horrible, but I'm glad he went for Benji and not me. Don't get me wrong, I would rather die than see my twin hurt, but I don't know if my brother would've reacted the same way I did - in Tony's rage, he was virtually unstoppable. Unfortunately for him, seeing him trying to choke the life out of my brother, my better half, my soul mate, sends me flying completely off the handle.
He's got Benji pinned underneath him on the bed, hands wrapped around his neck, and he's squeezing. My brother's beautiful eyes are bloodshot and red, and they look as if they're going to pop out of their sockets. He's clawing helplessly at Tony's hands, fingernails digging in, even drawing blood, but Tony is relentless. I'm not shy right now. I won't hold anything back. In a matter of about half a second after he latches onto Benji, I'm beside him, one hand around his own throat, and the other snakes its way around his balls. "I thought I fucking told you not to hurt my brother," I hiss, and then, with both hands, I start to squeeze.
I'm willing to bet Benji won't make fun of me for working out all the time anymore.
His reaction is instantaneous. He releases Benji's throat and doubles over in pain, howling. I let go of him and rush to sit beside my twin, slipping my arm underneath him to pull him up into a sitting position. He coughs and chokes, staring at me for a moment, and then rolls over. I see him wretch and I know he's throwing up down the side of the bed. I'm going to have to give the manager a rather large tip, I can tell.
Tony is slowly recovering, and I hover over him, folding my arms across my chest. "If you try and stand up, I'll kill you."
He sneers at me, rage evident in his expression, but makes no move to get off the floor. "You're disgusting, you know that? Making out with your own brother, your twin no less," his voice makes me feel sick, "how did you convince him, huh? I mean, he'd never want someone as twisted as you, so how did you convince him?"
My eyes widen as I stare down at him, biting my lip. I can't help but stammer. "I... I didn't convince him, he..."
I trail off and he smirks. "He what? He kissed you? Keep dreaming, Joel, I bet you forced yourself on him."
I didn't. Did I? He wanted to too. We kissed each other. I look to my brother for help, but he's still coughing too hard to say anything. He sits up on the bed though, tears streaming down his face, and looks on. "No, I didn't... that's not what happened."
"Are you sure about that, Joel? You're not so perfect, are you? In fact," he pauses, "I'm surprised you're not aware of how truly disturbing you are."
Benji is finally able to speak, but his few words come out in a hoarse whisper. "Joel... don't listen."
Then he hits me where it hurts. "That little display of violence right there," he chuckles, "I'd say you're a chip off the old block, eh Joely boy?"
Memories flash through my head. Dad coming home drunk, running towards us with fists swinging. Him ripping the phone out of the wall and throwing it at my mother. Him screaming that we were all weak, all pathetic. The time he held Josh up against the wall by his throat, gripped his balls, in his hand, and...
"Noooo!"
The animalistic howl doesn't even sound like it's coming from me. I fall to my knees, and all of a sudden, I can't breathe. I can't move. All I can do is think. Oh, God, I'm just like him. That's where I learnt to do that. I'm just fucking like him!
Tony pulls himself to his feet and delivers a swift kick in the ribs before he leaves the room. My body jerks in response, but I barely feel it. It's nothing compared to the pain on the inside right now. Nothing compared to the sheer self-loathing I feel at realizing that I have become a man I swore I would never, ever be.
Benji falls to the ground beside me, still coughing occasionally, and wraps me in his arms. I try to shrug him off, but he holds me tight. I don't deserve his comfort. I start hitting my head on the floor and he grabs me by the chin, pulling me up to face him. His voice is still hoarse, but assertive. "You're not like him, Joel, you got that? You're not like him."
I can't bring myself to meet his eyes. How can I look at him, knowing who I am - what I've become? He's perfect, a perfect being, and I'm distorted, twisted, and exactly like the violent drunk who left us. But I don't even have an excuse - I'm completely sober.
Benji's strong arms hold me close to his chest as I finally start to just cry. I can't do anything else. I sob into his chest and I know I'm soaking his shirt, but he doesn't seem to mind. "Sshh, Joel, you're not like him."
How can he sit there and lie to me like that? "I am, Benji, I am," I choke out as he rocks me in his arms, "I am."
He lets go of me and both of his hands move to my face, pulling me up to his eye level. I refuse to look at him though, and he sighs. "Joel. Look at me."
I watch my hands, shaking in my lap. "Joel," he's louder now, more demanding, "look at me."
I reluctantly lift my eyes to his, and I can read into them everything he's thinking. He doesn't think I'm like Dad. He's worried about me. Seeing me this way is hurting him. "He did that to Josh," I mumble, and he shakes his head.
"No, Joel," he murmurs, "you were defending me. If you hadn't done that, Tony could've killed me."
Oh, God. I can't imagine how I would have felt if he'd hurt Benji - if he'd really hurt Benji. I don't even want to think about the worst case scenario, it makes me feel physically sick. "When Dad did that, he was just in a drunken rage. He wanted to hurt somebody, just because that was who he was," he pauses and kisses my forehead, "Joel, he did it out of hate. You did it out of love."
I wipe away my tears with the back of one hand, still sniffling. "He has a key. He might come back."
Benji nods and stands up slowly, shakily. He offers me his hand and I stand, wincing as I learn just how hard Tony kicked me. I clutch my side with one hand, and he reaches over to pull my shirt off. "Let me check the damage, and then we'll get out of here."
The bruise is already so dark purple it's almost black, and my brother lets out a little whimper as he lays his eyes on it. "Okay, baby bro, we're going to a hospital."
"I'm fine," I insist through gritted teeth, "let's go."
He looks at me doubtfully, and I take a step towards the door. I grunt and double over in pain, and he grabs my arms, holding me still. "Look, let me carry you to the car," I shake my head and start to refuse, but he cuts me off, "I'll try as hard as I can not to move you, and then I'll put you in the back seat and take you to the hospital."
He opens the door, shoving a doorstop under it, then walks back over to me and carefully picks me up, asking if I'm okay every half a second. He grunts with the exertion. "'Kay, I'm gonna have to get some help, you're kinda hard to carry on my own when I've just had half the life choked out of me."
I just groan softly and nuzzle my face into his neck. All of a sudden, I'm too tired to say anything. I feel dizzy. He carries me a couple of rooms down so we're outside Billy and Paul's door, and since he can't knock, he starts shouting. "Billy?! Paul?! Joel's hurt, I could use some help!"
Billy's face appears as the door opens, then Paul's. Four wide eyes stare back at us for a moment, then Paul is holding my legs, taking some of the weight off of my brother. "What the fuck happened? Joel, are you okay?"
Billy gently brushes a finger over my bruise, and even that makes me scream in pain. He whimpers and pulls away. I'm aware that we're inside the elevator now, but I can't take much else in. Chris. Chris is here now. "Joel? Stay awake, Joel."
I look up at him and smile. "You look funny."
He laughs and pulls a face, and my attention shifts to Benji, whose eyes lock on my own, full of concern. "Don't worry, Joely, you're gonna be just fine."
"Benji," I slur as my eyes flicker, "love you."
The last thing I see is him smiling down at me as he gently lowers me into the back seat of the rental car. "I know, Joely, I love you too."
Then everything goes black.