Chapter 05 - I Feel So Mad, I Feel So Angry
I don't get him alone until we're backstage that night. Benji, Tony and I are sitting on the couch watching reruns of the Simpsons when my brother announces that has has to take a shit. I wrinkle up my nose, and see Tony do the same. He looks at me and laughs, and I laugh with him. I have to pretend nothing's wrong, for Benji's sake.
Benji leaves the room and as soon as the door's closed I pounce on him, grabbing him by the shirt and forcing him onto his back on the couch. I straddle his legs and lower my face to his. He thinks I'm playfighting like we used to, and he just laughs and struggles against me, but when he looks into my eyes he quickly discovers that I'm dead serious. He goes quiet and looks up at me, unmoving, and I can see real fear in his eyes. I wonder if that's what Benji looks like before he hits him. "I know what you've been doing, Lovato," I spit, "and it's going to stop."
He pretends to look confused and his eyes widen. He's playing innocent, of course. I now he's going to insist that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. "Joel, I don't know what you're talking about."
I push down harder on his chest, just enough to give him difficulty breathing, and grip his shirt tighter, my hands shaking with anger. "Don't fuck with me," I hiss through my teeth, "I know you made that bruise on his stomach. You hit him, and you've done it before."
He shakes his head, still playing Mister Innocent. "He fell down the-"
"You said he took the elevator."
He looks stunned, like he can't believe that I've got him all figured out. Then his shock morphs into anger. "I never hit him!"
"That's bullshit," I spit, "and you know it. So just shut the fuck up and listen. You will not hurt my brother again, got it?"
He nods, swallowing. He looks petrified now. Thinks I'm going to hit him, probably. He deserves it, but if I hit him, it would leave a mark, and I think Benji might notice that. As long as I can keep Benji in his happy little bubble and away from my dark twisted one, everything will work out. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. "And if you do hurt my brother again, Anthony, I will come for you. And believe me, the consequences won't be pretty."
He nods again, and I release him just as Benji walks back into the room. He looks concerned at us. "Hey! You guys fighting?"
I shake my head and give him my happiest laugh, and swat Tony on the shoulder - a little harder than I probably should have. "Nah, we're just playing, big bro, don't worry."
He looks relieved as I climb off of Tony and sit back down on the couch, pretending to become absorbed with what's happening on the screen. Every now and then, I glance and Tony and give him a great big smile.
He knows there's no good humour in it. Only menace.
The morning after the show, I wake up with Benji lying next to me again, sobbing uncontrollably. I jerk myself awake and sit up, pulling him into my arms. "Benji, did he hit you again?"
He shakes his head and curls up in my arms, reminding me of a small child. Billy decides he needs to take another shower, and a mouth a "thank you" at him before turning my attention back to my brother. God, can't you see he's destroying you?
"You were right, Joel."
I hug him close and kiss his forehead for the second time in as many days, rocking him in my arms. "About what?"
It comes out almost as one long, moaned word. "Tony doesn't love me."
I've never seen him look so hurt in his entire life. His heart has been ripped into shreds, and my own starts to fall apart just looking at him. He has eyeliner running all over his cheeks and his hair is sticking out in all directions. He looks like an absolute mess - but a beautiful mess, nonetheless. I hate to lie to him, but seeing him this way hurts too much. "Of course he loves you, Benj."
He just shakes his head, continuing to sob into my chest. "No. No he doesn't," he lifts his head and looks into my eyes, the rest of his sentence only a whisper, "but I love him."
I rub his back in what I hope is a soothing way, and I murmur softly into his ear, trying to hide the tears that are forming in my own eyes. "I know you do, Benj, I know."
He pulls away from me and looks down at me, and I can see a slow smile form through his tears. I return it, and he hugs me. "I love you, Joely."
My heart aches. "Love you too."
Then he kisses me, a soft, lingering kiss that cannot be mistaken as brotherly. This kiss is loving, caring, and absolutely electrifying. In a few seconds, my whole body has become invigorated, and while I know that this is wrong for so many reasons, I kiss him back, pushing my lips harder against the cold steel of his piercings. He pulls himself on top of me, and I can feel that he's hardening, and so am I. I feel his tongue toying with my top lip, seeking entrance into my mouth. I suck his tongue in and then push gently on it with my own, my hands now roaming over his back. I'm lost in this moment, not caring about the consequences - not even giving them a second thought. His hands slip under the hem of my shirt, and my waist feels as if it's on fire as his fingers gently graze my skin.
Then, abruptly, he pulls away from me and looks down at me, an expression of horror on his face. "Oh, God... what have I done?"
He climbs off of the bed and heads for the door, and I quickly jump up and run after him, stopping him before he can leave. "Benji, we didn't do anything wrong, okay? We didn't do anything wrong."
He stares at me for a moment, and then his lips are on mine again and he's pushing me hard up against the door. I can feel him grinding into me a little now, and I let out a soft moan as his hands move up my shirt again, tickling my sides. Then he pulls away again, breathing heavily, and he begins to cry.
"Let me out, Joel."
I move out of the way, and he opens the door, then looks over his shoulder at me. "I'm sorry."
Then he's gone again, leaving me wide-eyed and breathless.
I groan. Oh my God, what just happened?