MENU:

*Stories For Us:

 

Part 1: Till Death Do Us Part (DEATH BED)

 

Part II: "Liar Liar"

(POWDER SAVES CHEATING HUBBY)

 

*TOP TEN THINGS LISA MARIE MISSES ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO MICHAEL JACKSON

*SLEEPY SWIMMER

(Scaredy Cat Nearly Drowns)

 

*SMELLY CROTCH

( Food Stain Runis Pants)

 

*The Drinker`s Alphabet

 

*FINER RULES FOR MEN

(For Successful Relationships

With Women)

 

Stories For Us ..

 

"Till Death Do Us Part"
(DEATH BED)

 

"Liar Liar"

(POWDER SAVES CHEATING HUBBY)

 

 

Sasha was on her deathbed. Her husband,
Brandon, was maintaining a vigil by her side.
He held her fragile hand, (tears ranning down his face)
His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and began to move slightly.

"My darling Brandon", she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest.
Shhh. Don`t talk."
She was insistent. "Brandon", she said in her
tired voice.
"I have something I must confess to you."

"There`s nothing to confess," replied
the weeping Brandon. Everything`s all right,
go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Brandon.
I slept with your brother, your
bestfriend and your
father".

"I know", he replied.
"That`s why I poisoned you."

 

I told my wife one time that I was going out to buy cigarettes. When I got to the store, I found out it was closed, so I ended up going to the videoke bar around the corner to use the vending machine. When I got there, I had a few beers, and the next thing I knew, I was in this girl`s apartment having quite a pleasurable time until 3 AM.

"Oh my God! My wife's going to kill me!," I exclaimed. "Quick, give me some powder!"

She gave me some, and I rubbed
it all over my hands. When I got home, my wife was up waiting for me.

"Where the hell have you been?!"

I answered, "Well, to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, and slept with some girl."

"Let me see your hands!" she demanded, so I showered her my powder-covered hands. "Damn liar, you were out playing billiards again!"


Mr. ShagWell, by e-mail

 

TOP TEN THINGS LISA MARIE MISSES ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO MICHAEL JACKSON

 

 

10. Cosmetics companies sending cartons of free sample all the time.

 

 

9. Hyper baric chamber a great place to keep baked goods fresh.

 

8. Instant lines of credit with every plastic surgeon west of the Rockies.

 

 

7. The cute way he`d get angry when salesmen would ask him to put Mommy on the phone.

 

6. Sneak previews of Liz Taylor's latest hip X-rays

 

5. The adorable sheepish way he`d tell her that he had to pay off another kid.

 

4. On picnics, hid old noses made great corn-on-the-cob holders

 

3. The monkey smell

 

2. The way his billions of dollars looked so nice next to her billion of dollars.

 

1. That special surge of desire a woman feels for her man when she

sees him clutching a stuffed bunny on a merry-go-round.

 

SLEEPY SWIMMER
 Scaredy Cat Nearly Drowns 		SMELLY CROTCH
 Food Stain Runis Pants

My friends and I went to Laguna on our final year in college. We arrived at around 6PM and everyone just jumped into the pool. After dinner, some of my friends decided to roam around Laguna. When they returned, they jumped into the pool and told us that they went to Up Los Baños. As they were driving into the woods, they saw a white lady following them. Some believed them because one of those who went to UP has a third eye. So everyone stopped swimming and just stayed in one corner. One of our girl friends was getting sleepy so we told her that she should just go up to her room and sleep. But she was very scared to sleep alone. So we just let her be. After a few minutes, we suddenly heard some bubbling sound, and when we turned around, we was our friend already asleep underwater. We rushed to fish her out. She could have drowned, but everyone couldn`t help laughing after the incident.

Anonymous, by e-mail

 We celebrated last Holy Thursday with a modified Passover Meal with everyone bringing their share for the potluck dinner. I brought spicy sisig. In the FX taxi, on my way to our meeting place, I suddenly felt a warm sensation in my crotch area-the oil from the tangy viand had leaked and made its way through my pants. Other passengers had started to wonder where the peculiar aroma was coming from. There was already a burning feeling in my undies, like having liniment applied all over my balls, Our hosts were gracious enough to lend me a fresh, albeit a bit short, pair of pants. As I was cleaning myself in their washroom I realized that wiping the oil alone was not enough, as my undies were really drenched. I had no choice but "go commando in another man's fatigues."It was a relief that nobody else "saw through" my flimsy excuse.

Philip Arnel Arceo, by e-mail


 

The Drinker`s Alphabet

 

A- Alcohol:

The key to surviving college.

 

B- Beer:

The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging.

 

C- Class:

What you`re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.

 

D- Dancing:

A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.

 

E- Emergency

The keg is empty

 

F - Fucked Up:

Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.

 

G - Games:

Anything that involves cards, dice, quarters, and huggling beers.

 

H - Hangover:

Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.

 

I - Idiot:

The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party.

 

J - Jail:

Where you`ll end up after trying to either use a fake ID or stagger home.

 

K - Kissing:

What you`ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.

 

L - Lord:

Person you beg to get you out of the every situation involving alcohol.

 

M - Money:

That which you no longer have due to too much partying.

N - Not Again:

What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don`t know.

 

O - Officer:

Person usually responsible for ending any party,tending to show up most often at parties where no one is 19.

 

P - Pee:

Waht you have to do every five minutes while you`re drinking beer.

 

Q - Quilt:

What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning (YUCK!)

 

R - Reform

What you promise God you will do while you're puking in the toilet.

 

S- Sex:

What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.

 

T - Ten:

The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk.

 

U - Underage:

Most of the drinking population at any given college.

 

V - Vodka

The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour.

 

W - Worm:

The part of tequila that reminds you of the biology class tomorrow.

 

X - X-Ray:

How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.

 

Y - Yourself:

The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.

Z - Zoned:

Your condition for the next 12

hours following drinking.

 

FINER RULES FOR MEN

(For Successful Relationships With Women)

1. Call.

 

2. Don`t lie.

 

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

 

4. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers,

remember the zoo enforces "No Petting".

 

5. If guy`s night out is going to be fun, invite the girls some other time.

 

6. Don`t let your friends pick on her, nor your family and most specially nor you!

 

7. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

 

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad!

 

9. Never ever let her walk anywhere alone at night, if you cant bring

 

her home safely after you dated her, then get lost!

 

10. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don`t act like a

complete jerk until she does it for you.

 

11. Dont tell her you love her if you dont.

 

12. Tell her you love her if you do.Often.

 

 

 

[Courtesy: FHM True Stories/ D.I.W.H.]

 

© Humors, All Rights Reserved.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1