Ramblings #1
Why is it we have feelings? I mean honestly what good are they? I am always being told my feelings are wrong. When I feel something I feel something so why do people insist on telling me I have no right to feel. "You shouldn't feel that way." "Calm down, don't get upset." "What the f*** is your problem?" You may as well say don't feel, bottle your emotions until you become a Vulcan from Star Trek. Don't ever let anyone see who you really are, smile all the time. What if I don't feel like smiling? What the He** good are feelings if no one is ever allowed to see them? Is it that I am not allowed any other emotion than stupid cheerfulness? Why is it if I am unhappy I have to act happy for everyone elses benefit? Am I not allowed to feel bad, to have a bad day on occasion. I ask people when they are unhappy what is going on, but I try not to force them to tell me. I simply say "If you want to talk you know where I am." people never say that to me they just ask me why I am not smiling. One day I replied why bother it's all fake anyway. I get depressed, very depressed but I dare not show that to anyone. People seem to think it is perfectly normal to smile non stop 24 hours a day seven days a week. I grow tired of bottling up never telling anyone everything that is bothering me. I am sick of smiling like some sort of imbecil all day long so that people won't pry at all. Yet is I don't smile, and I don't look like a grinning fool, people will ask me what is wrong, they won't let it go, and then when I tell them what is wrong they say the typical you shouldn't feel that way, or you shouldn't let it bother you. He** I know these things but you can't stop a feeling completely if you feel you feeland if you try to ignore it it will nag at your insides like a plague. I wish I never had feelings I wish I were Spock, or a robot, like Data, or some sort of morpheous blob. Maybe a cat thier feelings are pretty simple. I hate feelings, I hate the way I react to them. Since no one is ever going to read this I feel safe saying these things. -Later