So it's day three of the new year and I don't feel any different. Well, a little tired. But other than that, nada. I guess I can spend this entry talking about another regretted guy. He was a quiet type and kind of geeky (just the way I like my men) and we worked together at Target. It was the summer before my sophomore year. I had just come home from my first year of college. We talked a little and my mind began to want to get my hooks into him...not just because I could, but because I was attracted to him. I think we went out one time before this particular time, but we agreed to meet after I got off work. He was off that day and he was going to pick me up from work. My team lead that night let this obnoxiously stuck-up boy out of doing his work of cleaning up because he spent the whole time talking to her. He got off at 10pm exactly. I got off at 10:30 which was when my guy was coming to get me. Around 10:15 she came up to me and said my area looked like a mess and that I didn't zone it (straighten it up) well enough and that I was going to stay until it was perfect. When I tried to tell her that if it weren't for the other guy not doing his part it wouldn't have been as much to zone, she got snippy and said, "Don't give me an attitude." I still to this day hate her, former wife of a cousin or not, in a wheelchair now or not (which a small part of me believes she deserves for being such an evil bitch to me for so long). By the time I got off I was angry and frustrated...hardly the mood to be in for a romantic date. He threw off all the plans he had, got me something to drink and we proceeded to a playground with a nice view of our hometown. We played on the swings and it began to rain a little. We walked around and then he took my hand and kissed me. Then the stars came out. It is by far the best date I have ever had. Well, soon the summer came to an end I was to go back to school while he stayed in my hometown. He said that we should see other people since it was too hard to keep up with a long-distance relationship. I was so pissed off at him that when he called me at school, I would have my roommate make up excuses for me and if he caught me on the phone I would make an excuse for getting off and talk to him in a huffy, impatient voice. When I ran into him again, I regretted being mean to him because of him hurting my feelings. I never thought that he might have felt he didn't stand a chance against the college-educated guys that I would be around at my university whereas he was trying to get into the local branch of a college. He pretended that he didn't know me and I realized so much then just how much I had lost by being so mean.
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I am terrified of driving. I didn't particularly like it when I was working on my driver's permit. I drove my little sister's car which was a boat...the kind of car I like driving. The first time I drove alone was when I jokingly told my mother that I wanted to go get something from McDonald's. She said, "Okay" going along with my game and so I told her I was going and got our golden retriever, Fuzzbucket, and put him into the backseat. I took him through the drive-thru and got a sandwich for everyone and a plain burger for him. I came home and my mom looked up and asked, "Where did you go?" When I told her, she got a little mad and I told her that I said I was going. When I went to college, sometimes she'd let me drive the car on the smaller state routes or the freeway so she could get some sleep and sometimes would let me drive all the way to my residence hall or where ever we were going on the campus. But my first time I had fear of driving was while my mother was away at work. I convinced my little sister to let me drive her over to a friend's house and I would go visit my friend Lisa Caudill. I dropped her off and headed for Lisa's place who told me she had to go to work, but we could drive together. She stopped off at a drive-thru to get some cigarettes. I decided to go around it and pull over to wait for her to go through. I tried to manuver the car and hit a parked truck. It happened to belong to the guy running the register at the drive-thru. He came running out yelling and I sat in the car terrified that he was going to call the police...there wasn't a scratch on it, but I was practically in tears. I got out of the car and apologized profusely. I guess he saw that I was scared and a teen girl so he let me off and said, "Aw, it's alright, babe."
Then while my mother was feeling sick one July day, I asked her if I could drive myself to work. I had driven myself before a few times and so she told me okay. I got in the car, all set for work, got out to Central Avenue and remembered that i had forgotten something...to this day, I still don't remember what I forgot, but as I tried to check the intersection there was a huge parked truck obstructing my view. I let go of the brake and pushed the gas a little to roll out a few inches more to see around the truck and saw a black van barrelling down the road toward me. I know I went out too far, but I was still on my side of the street. Then the driver of the van freaked out, swerved to the right, then overcorrected and crossed the yellow line taking the front end of my sister's car off. Then he over corrected again, this time going over a curb, turned the wheel sharply left and rolled over. I sat in my car, with a bruise from my seatbelt, in complete shock watching the whole thing take place. I am not afraid to drive because I think I caused an accident. I am afraid because that slight mistake caused an irresponsible driver who couldn't handle his vehicle to do serious damage and could have landed me a criminal charge because of his reckless driving. I had to go to court and was fined and then the two people in this van, one of them my friend Charlene's ex-boyfriend who had a reputation of being a dealer, the father who was driving, a distant relative of my step-grandfather's. Both of them scammed the insurance companies with fake injuries. So now I am afraid of driving because there are probably millions of other drivers out there just like them, waiting to prey on poor, young drivers who are already a little nervous about driving. By the way, the only thing my car did to their was get paint on their hubcap from when they took the front end of the car off. I should have gone straight to work instead of trying to go back. Then I would have never encounter those people, never would be so afraid of driving, and my little sister would still have a car.
January 5, 2003
I wonder sometimes what it would be like living with someone or even being in a steady, long-term relationship. There are the obvious perks, but the one I would look forward to the most is not sleeping with someone in the sexual sense of the word although that would be a perk too, but sleeping with someone in sharing a bed, warmth, and bodies. To have a guy sleeping with his head resting on my chest, listening to him breathing and smelling his hair and his skin. That, to me would be the nicest thing about living with or sleeping with someone you like a lot. It's been a long time since I have been in that state, not since Chad.
I am also coming to terms with growing up. Not only the changes happening back home, but that I can't just hang out with guys like I used to. When tomboys grow up they tend to become either lesbians or really feminine or they get awesome home refurbishing shows. Me, I just feel out of sorts. I miss late night joking with a dorm room full of guys. I have male friends here in Taiwan, but I don't get to be too close to them because they all have girlfriends. Not that I wasn't friends with guys who had girlfriends back in America, but here I don't feel I can be close to them because of it whereas in America, that meant I didn't really stand a chance so there wasn't as much sexual tension between us (unfortunately!). Here it's practically non-existent.
Maybe I should try to get my own decorating show. Call it, "A Zealous Poor Girl's Guide to Decoration"...Share my framed postcards and calendar cutouts, color coordinating, and christmas lights to accent and set mood lighting as well as lighting up otherwise dark corners and how to build shelves and tables. And of course, my ideas for borders from art cards to drawn fish (see my infamous Bobfish on my travel page background). Show Lynette Jennings a thing or two.
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