Other Things Worthy of Your Time
Untitled Analysis of Relationships in
General
10/30/03
“I have
a question but not because I am sad because i want to know:
Why does everyone
have to act like something they're not? Why do we pretend we have certain
qualities just to make other people think we are who we aren't? Why do we pride
ourselves on virtues that we dont even have? I think that if we all didnt try
and act like someone we wish we could be, there'd be a lot less heartache in the
world and a lot more love. But i think that society has taught us that who we
are isnt special enough... that in order to be special we have to
pretend...extend a false message...well I'm just sick of it and I dont think
that it's right...but there's nothing i can do to stop it...cuz i do it
myself...” – JV
Pretty dumb to think that’s aimed at me but it had to be spurred from something, and we had been talking quite a bit about such ‘intellectual’ things. Would kind of bug me if I came off as trying to be something I’m not when everything I had shown thus far was something totally different from who I am anyway. The first time I get to have a ‘smart’ conversation it looks like I’m trying too hard? I’d been trying to hard to hold it in.
While I don’t pride myself in virtues I don’t have—I shame over them—I don’t really know what I really am to act the part of. I’m a jock, it works well until I realize I’m not an athlete. I’m a lover and a player until I realize I wasn’t made to be loved and don’t even resembling playing. I’m a thinker and a scholar, until I realize few people truly are, none of which are probably me. When I succeed and pride over it, I play the part well. When I don’t and fail, I play the part even better. If I’m a little bit of everything, what does that make me? The actor.
I act differently around different people that I care equally about. I try to please and it never seems like it’s because I’m being ‘me’. If that was the case, how would it be possible to please all the people I can at times. You act to reflect their interests in yourself, and when they see that piece of them—whether it’s something they like, or don’t like—they like it, they like you, because ultimately they like themselves.
Girls are a perfect example because it’s not just me who consciously acts to please around them. Whether it’s the motivation to get in their pants or buy them a ring, first impressions of us guys are rarely authentic, and a lot of times the lasting ones aren’t any different.
We act to please, and if it works, we like it.
Still though, I dick around and play games and act stupid around Jeff, and have a grand old time. For someone so, to put it lightly, light in the mental areas of life, he’s someone that I usually have fun playing the part of when we’re together. I could only hope he enjoys his life as much as I do.
When I’m around Brandon it’s the same way, the fact I usually have a grand old time anyway. He seems like a miserable old sort some of the time, and a jolly young lad at others—always in opposites to whatever mood I’m in. I of course will change my feelings accordingly to keep up with him. If he’s down, I’m glad. If he’s happy, I’m miserable about it, because he’d do the same for me.
When we have a good time it’s because we hit this middle ground where we seem to have a common personality—something a part of both of us that we can share in being pleased to see in the other. When I find this middle ground, I think I feel free, because for once it’s a place where I don’t have to act, or play any parts. Maybe it’s a place where I really could find who I am sometime. Maybe it’s one of the things that appeals to me most about him and our friendship. I still reflect to please, but manage to actually find a piece of something unique to hold on to. I could actually make a case to this just being another example of pleasing reflection, just in a deeper sense, but really. I’m in my happy place, leave me alone.
I’m in my happy place, leave me alone.
NOTES
This was a Life as Written entry--hence my referring to people by name.