tom_green

For those of you out there that haven't seen the Tom Green Show (of which I'm sure there are some) and those of you who haven't even heard of it (of which I'm sure there are none!) the show is about this guy (Tom Green) and his friends who like to torment the general public by doing things like dressing up in a huge carrier bag and picking up all the rubbish around the town and chucking it down his front into the bag he's wearing, interviewing people using a vibrator instead of a mic, dressing up in diving gear and diving into fountains where people throw their pennies and stealing them and handing them in to the bank... etc. He also terrorises his parents by calling them at all hours, turning his dad's car into the 'Slut Mobile' and of course turning their house into a petting zoo. These are a few of the things I remember. But what your about to read is the one sketch that I love the most. Out of them all this is my favourite!

Tom - "I'm just gonna buy some of these condoms"
Woman #1 - "Yeah?"
Tom - "Yeah"
Woman #1 - "Cool"
Tom - "I'm just buying some of these condoms here because I'm planning on making love to a woman tonight and uhm I'm really excited about that and condoms they help prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy and both of those things I don't think I'm really mature enough to handle at this stage in my life. Although Al Capone did die of syphalis so there is an element of glamour to that. So I'm just going to buy these condoms... do I pay for them over there? *woman nods* Ok. So you're probably going to visualise me making love to a woman when I walk away but that's fine. I know it's probably a hard thing to wrap your head around , visualising that. I'm just gonna pay for them over here *arrives at counter* I just want to buy these condoms"
Woman #2 - "K"
Tom - "Because I'm planning on making love to a woman tonight and I'm really excited about that, ok?"
Woman #2 - "Alright"
Tom - "You're probably saying to yourself 'Boy, who's the lucky lady who's going to get to spend the evening with this man of steel?'... anyways I'll just pay for those"
Woman #2 - "Is that everything?"
Tom - "Must be kind of weird for you..."
Woman #2 - "Why?"
Tom - "Must be kind of weird for you holding those condoms considering we both know where they're going to end up. It's kind of a weird situation for me to, you know Kerry? Your names Kerry right?"
Woman #2 - "Yes it is"
Tom - "I figure I should know your name since your touching my condoms"
Old Lady - "You really think that's funny?"
Tom - "Buying condoms?"
Old Lady - "No, the way you're talking"
Tom - "I think it's really important to buy condoms because it's the ninties and sexually transmitted diseases..."
Old Lady - "How about trying abstinenth (sp?)
Tom - "Abstinenth? Do you wear that? Do you wear abstinenth? What is that? Is it like a jockey strap? *woman walks away* Ok, thanks... I'll try that abstinenth thing out *Tom goes to leave the shop but as he reaches the door he turns to woman #2* Do you sell that here to? Abstinenth?"
Woman #2 - "No *she's laughing and has been for quite some time*"
Tom - "Ok thanks" *he leaves!*