Rob and the Three Little Pigs
Explaining the birds and the bees to my neighbour at 6:30 in the morning was definitely not what I had planned on that Saturday morn.
I had gotten up early to take a bath, and was just settling into the steamy water when my phone rang. Staring at it in disgust and disbelief I reluctantly answered it. "Hello," I said grouchily into to receiver. I immediately recognised the hysterical voice on the other end. It was Rob my neighbour, demanding to know if Timbre, the 130 pound Alaskan Malamute dog we had given him the year before, was fixed. Rob was sobbing on the other end of the line, and I was clueless as to what the problem could be. I told him that yes, Timbre had been fixed years ago, and this only sent him into fresh wails of misery. Yelling at him to calm down I finally managed to get the story out of him: that Dolly, his pet pot-bellied pig, had just given birth to five little piglets. Not sure what this had to do with Timbre, I made the mistake of asking....
It turned out that Rob couldn't understand how Dolly had gotten pregnant, and the only thing he could think of was that Timbre (please keep in mind that Timbre is a dog) had bred her.
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I looked at the phone, and just shook my head. It was too early in the morning to even follow that line of thinking. Rob was still crying on the phone, but had started to calm down somewhat, so I was able to get the rest of the story out of him.
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And this was it:
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Sometime during the night, Rob had been awakened by the squealing of his pot-bellied pig. Annoyed at being woken up so early, he went downstairs prepared to throw her out the door. When he came into the kitchen, it was to see Dolly lying on her side with three piglets struggling to get to their feet. Not being the brightest of people, and easily upset, Rob lost it. Crying and trying to figure out who had done what and when, he tried first to talk to his brother. He ran upstairs to wake him and ask for help. His brother is about as mean as they come, so when Rob woke him up, he had little patience for dealing with him. Rob, by now unable to speak coherently for the tears, was just crying and wringing his hands. His brother assumed that their invalid mother downstairs in the bedroom just off the kitchen, had died. He jumped out of bed and ran downstairs, past Dolly, who by now has cranked out yet another piglet, which started Rob crying again.
His brother by now was in the bedroom with his mother who was lying perfectly still in her bed. Not sure what to do, Yogi did the obvious thing, and poked her. Mom came awake with a roar�she wasn�t dead yet�and Yogi got an instant migraine from the stress of the whole thing.
So now we have Mom yelling at Yogi, Yogi yelling at Rob, Dolly letting another one fly, and poor Rob bawling his head off at all the confusion. So the next obvious thing? Call Sue, she'll sort it all out. Listening to this tale I am laughing so hard I almost dropped my phone in the tub.�I assure Rob over and over that Timbre is in no way responsible for Dolly's condition,�finally convincing him there is a rogue pig in the neighbourhood.�I settle back into my tub and tell him, that this is what comes of being gay: at thirty six years of age, he has to call the neighbour to explain the birds and the bees to him. Finally�coaxing a laugh out of him, I hang up and get back to my bath.