| I Like Monkeys!!!!! (I found this story, its hell funny) |
| I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them ffor five cents a piece. I thought this was odd because they are generally a couple of thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Signund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty into the third hour. Two hours later, i found why the monkeys were so inexpensive. They all sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when yuo buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Doggone cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room: on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throwrugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey. and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flamable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet; two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour wasnt improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So i went a severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not aloud to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He wouldnt take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My fridns didnt quite know what to think. They pretended to like them. But I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys. |