UPDATES
WASAAAAA
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9/12/09 12:39 AM
LOL i use to be so gay, even last year. fuck people, fuck bitches, make money, smoke weed thats how you roll and thats how its done son. just joshing friends, i just look back at how self deprivating and a wheeping ghoul i use to be, sucking on the attention of every friend i could. This last year i've just accepted a more "fuck it, i do what i want" attitude, also i saw the movie yes man and decided to start saying yes to most things (without being used by my friends like a dbag) I've been skydiving, camping twice (one time we found construction equipment we drove around) i've fucked more than ever, i have a pretty sweet job i randomly landed (friends told me they were going to an open house interview the next day, said why not sure i'll go, i ended up being the only one getting a job) and now i'm actually at that job bored as shit missing the osu game, but i don't really give a shit, it's all bout dem brownies fo rizzles. Geocities is going down so i have considered rehosting this somewhere else, but maybe i should let all the gayness die with the site and that chapter of my life will be destroyed ilke a 40 year old hookers vagina
Relapse
9/10/08 12:03 AM
Well shit. It's been quite a while since I have attested to my secret blog, but I have not been this down and out since... well since I needed a secret blog. I just can't come to grips with my current situation. I'm not an adult. I'm not ready for this. If it turns out true which now I am about 99% positive it will, I'm really boned. I have not felt this bad since high school, but now for all different reasons. I just feel so beaten down by life, the kind of screwed hand in the deck of life. But what happens happens, and I'm suppose to accept that. Well I say fuck it. Ever since I was very young, I always aimed to have the good times out way the bad times. In terms of quality the good times are quite overcompensation for the bad times. But in terms of quantity, I really am having a hard time equal it out. Just so much shit lately between an uncertain lethargy I present and the ongoing debate on whether I changed my entire life that fateful night of my twenty first birthday. I mean what the fuck, what THE FUCK. I feel backed into a corner, where everyone tells me just to grit my teeth and push on. But fuck that seriously, quality always outweighs quantity, or so I thought. What I'm learning is quantity can really beat the shit out of quality as long as it comes in numbers. I also hate seeing just utter disgust towards our own race, even in my own thoughts (due to recent events no doubt). I just don't know what to do, I really don't. An absence or cease of existence deosnt seem to bad the more I think about it, and with that twirling around in my head so much lately it depresses me more to think I might go through with it someday.
Take that School
5/31/05 7:24 PM
Im suppose to be cleaning but thats a doo doo head. I am gonna graduate, thus my title! I bus it in the face. It's weird thinking of moving out and maybe seriously considering getting a job. Yeea the butt. I really dont want to work somewhere but i guess i have to take part in this oh so average grow up section of my life. Im still gonna be a kid inside though, cause thats how i do. I still dont drink pop, so take that. I also have been in and out alot. Alot of graduation parties and just doing anything to do anything. Sitting at my house now i so hard cuase i feel i should be training myself or should be out doing somthing with friends. I've slightly trained here and there, but now my leg is busted again, lousy ACL. My lousy doctor must have put a bad ACL in there last time. but not much i can do about it now. I am not exactly following the rules either with my leg brace, and surgery isnt until the 8th. SO MUCH TO CLEAN because of graduation. SO much. It sucks big goat ballsack wannabees. I should update the rest of my website too, but i forgot how to do everything in HTML and thats how i wrotes it, and ILL KEEP IT THAT WAY OK! More radio contests for my dad. Well i must clean, and by the way my mind set is clear now but i still search for answers on all of lifes little, well all of life. PEACE!
Go Ninja Go Ninja GO!
2/11/05 9:11 PM
another valentines day to sit by myself, totally score...:-/ Im still chillomaticing, dont feel to bad about much. I have been totally sick for a weak and i feal like doo doo physically. I started out with a stomach virus the first few days and it faded into a sever cold or flu or something where i cant stop sneezing and stuff. ZICK AS A DAWG! But mentally i have the goal, i have to focus. Still unsure of what my relligion is but i think i will be like that for life, considering religion should be a life long discovery. i need to lay off the electronics and get back into my physical and spiritual training. I will GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!! as i proclaimed in the title. I still need confidnce if i will ever adventure like i dream of. Or is that a different confidence when it comes to that species. Graduation almost hear and i couldnt ejaculate more for it. I need a job, even though i despise the fact of working for the civilized world for material goods. I dont want to do it too long, but if i make a good base here i can do lots more later. But im definitly passed the arm destruction. Looking ok
No, Please dont go
6/08/04 8:30 PM
how it be. Been a bit of time since i have wrote in this. Been alot of thinking been done. Yes, i am a good english talker. A lot of things in life we have to do even though we dont want to. So my situation was looking mighty fine there for a while. It was real fun. But, now, its at least on hold. I have to have faith in her more though. Trust. I'll do that. Wow alot more periods instead of commas, tats a switch. I really like this one alot, and im just scared to keep going while im ahead. God I've been so lucky the past couple months. Anyhoo, i was late for my first exam today and luckily my teacher was the bomb and let me stay. even though we got here at like 7:50. But they hadnt started there exam yet. We actually started at like 8:10 so it only took me like 20 minutes for a 100 question fill in the blank test. I'd say i got somewhere in the C range. So, life overall right now, ok, im really hungry. I feel really ok. which is a hell of alot better than usual if u havnt taken a glimpse on down the page. Now some friends are going through what i just did. Im not saying im done going through with it, but i put it to the side for now cause i want to take advantage of my time at the moment. But i do still think about the arms at night. And yes i already broke the promise. Its an addiction. But i really have been good about it all the past bit of time. I just cant beleive how lucky i have been, but now the break, which is supportful. I have enjoying myself. please dont go, you have to go, i'll be waiting if u return, and which i have faith and trust.
Open door, or crack in the wall
3/13/04 1:04 AM
so, i feel really weird. I just am like blaaaah!! I want to be open to everything now, i just feel like me, but not. I feel different, and it seems people get pissed a hell of alot easier for some reason and it makes me sad, yet mad myself. I just want peace, even if that ment me with the only internal conflicts and everyoen else just happy. But i cant take all anger from everyone. GOD im so confused with everthing, its all blured, i think it may become irratible and it will drive me insane just being confused to extremes. AAAHHH i need to find something, i need to find blake again.
Sick of it
3/05/04 7:36 PM
Ahhhh, so sick of going on, sick of thinking, dont want to do anything, im done for. I dont want to do anything, just sit and rot and eventually die. Why does all this keep hurting.
Chillin
3/04/04 9:37 PM
Yo, chillin, dont know what i feel now adays, i yearn but no avail seems to work, am i suppose to get angry or jealous, or actually just plane pissed and shitty. I do lovce the comfor twhen its there but when its there and im not with em' the it really sux, whats with the constant pretend sex. am i suppose to feal angry, i cant hold out much longer, its so worth waiting for, but is it going to be worth it if it doesnt work out, which would suck the biggest goat ever!! later
New access
2/24/04 6:19 PM
Well, i finally am able to access this from my house so expect more stuff hopefully. Just chillin at the moment, bored kinda at my house, i seem to only write in these when im bored. Meh. the windows of oppurtunity are bigger than i use to think, but i am jsut a bungholio. I love Fight Club, each time i watch that movie i feel more daring then ever. I wish i had more balls, theoretically ok guys, haha joke, but seriously, i need to be more daring, cause life is passing by, if i dont hop on i might miss it.
Tired, sleep deprived
2/17/04 5:02 AM
Tired, painfully tired, still confused about all. All is not swell. Need sleep maybe. God im so hungry too. So, ill temperd about my situation. Dont like it. To led by the nose if u no what i mean. I just dont feel like this is the way it should be. Its really weird. Nuthin is right. Doodee. God, my back has been so painful today, its so incredibly ouch, and so is my stomach cause im starving. Reall REally hungry. to the point where a normal person would go out and by food. So my sis got muged. Somebody pointed a gun at her face and that made me angry. If i had my chance i would destroy the fellow who would even think to do that. God, so much anger, so much tension all spread and all being based onto one of my big problems that i hate. The female influence on a man is freakin sucky. Why do attachments grow and why do we care for one another. Life is gay. it fuckin sucks.
Confusingly unhappiness
2/15/04 6:13 AM
I must have some sort of sleeping problem :-/ , meh. God my head is so dizzle dabble right now, im confused about everything, and literally everything. Me and Dan's club, a scary thought yet a secret, yet pure unhappy feelings. Confusing to. I dont know why i even think so much but i must, because i want to know why im here, and if there is no purpose than wtf mates. Jigga no ha. Im up all alone again, everyone passed out, yet in a diff house that probly wont be able to come back to to spend the night for a while. Whatever happen to life, good life, fun life, kid life. I want to be young, i dont want to know or think what i think. I dont want these thoughts, i dont want the urge to have to feel everything. Ignorance is bliss, blissful as a heavenly touch of numb from the needle. It sooths the pains of reality and life. In reality, we all will die, all humans will die, and any impact we make here is going to be useless. Nothing we do here could be useful unless spiritual. Numbed minds believe what people tell them to. I cant do that, i just cant, i have to find one on my own. Everyone thinks i kid when i say i am moving to bhutan, cause it sounds funny, and thats who i am, a funny wacked up one, but its actually a dream of mine, a reachable dream, and i really would love to go. I also could run away from any problems i have here, not that that is really a good thing, or is it. Is it bad to run away, alot of people do, and there problems never get a chance to ketchup to them (sorry i really am tired and cant think of spelling when its hard enough to type with my eyes closed). Life sux, it really does, and its not what i make of it, its what everyone makes of it.and now the anger tie in, FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING, DO NOT WANT TO DEAL, CONFUSED, NO WAY TO DEAL WITH MY FUCKIN SELF! FUCK!
Up late yet again
2/07/04 12:45 AM
Why dont i sleep, it would really help i bet.
Depressed/Bored
2/01/04 3:56 AM
Calmer, yet sadder now, still need some encouragement to live. I feel like I'm falling away from everyone. I feel like nobody cares as much and that i am a hopeless soul wandering. Dudes and me hung out doing random things, almost got caught doing 75 in a 25 but we lost the copper. So need some happyness. I had a dream not too long ago, that gave me this feeling. I dreamed i was truely happy with my life(go fig) but it was really weird cause while i was sleeping i just felt this overwelming (sp) happiness and it was just happy. Dont take it dirty, but it was just so like great. I was like rid of all stress for a breif split second, and wouln't u no it i was sleeping during the moment. that must have been some dream to get rid of all my stresses. Dude, i so just don't know what to do about anything in my life. I dont know about literally anything, im so confused about life. I need to get away, i want to run away, and if i never came back i would never have to live up to my old self. In movies u always see the character realizing he must go back to face his old challenges he ran away from, but they never write movies from the people that have to run and not come back or face fatal conflicts within themself. Nobody ever makes movies about that cause there too deppressing. Maybe i should sleep, but then i have to go to school the day after today technically, and i dont wanna. Im so sick of it all. I need to just realize what is wrong with me and what is happening with me and my stresses. later
Anger Management
1/25/04 12:23 AM
So definitly fucked up in the head, want to die again, sick of life, and there is nothing worth living for. What do i mean again, i have needed to die for a long time. Life sucks, life is its own essence, and its out to get me. Life is a satan itself, fuck him. Fuck him hard, i feel so shitty and want to die, thank god no one will read these cause these are fucked up, almost as fucked up as me. I need to get away. Oh and its not just girl problems so she cant take all the credit. Sure girl problems are at a high risk now and i want to destroy things for it, and i wonder what the fuck i still pursue for, and if i even should because its obvious where this is going, and i knew this would happen but i though it be a fun ride, but fuck no, FUCKING NO this has been one fucked up hell whole, if she really cared she would have done something by now, or at least not have flirted to her best ability with every fucking guy she comes in contact with. And i didnt even know how to act around her cause i was scared i would fuck it up, since we werent sure yet, but im fucking sure now that im to fucked up to do anything like that, life hates me, remember this, but fuck that when i dont even have a purpose to live any more, i dont no what held me back from jumping out of the backseat of the car going 50 mph.my hand was on the unlocked door, and then we slowed down, so i didnt, i wouldnt do it unless it was fast. No meaness to her though, its not her faulth i probly fucked it all up somehow, but... ok thats enough for tonight
Insomnia
1/24/04 7:16 AM
So first post here, writing on the actual computer encoding, but im cheap like that, insomnia at dans house, u know, i dont know if i will tell people of this little updates i have on me, cause then i could write about more personal stuff cause god knows no one visits my website. i have eaten half a bag of chipmates, not tired, needed something to do and began my intrest in online journal stuff. And if someone does see this and decides to read these its probly gonna get scary, and happy, then scary, then angry, thats how the game is played, and my excessive use of commas will be confusing, lata