| My diary |
| 27/4/2002 People may wonder why i never cry, why i always laugh and smile manically when i dont even want to... i cant help it... how can i do this??? i know that deep inside, i want someone to care abt me, someone to love me... i feel so lonely... but all my friends dont seem to notice all of these, they think i am such a optimistic person and that i never even know what is unhappiness, but this is not true... why cant they be more sensitive... i dont know how to tell them, i want love, i dont have a happy family, i dont have the care and warmth other ppl feel, i feel so exhausted... the laugh is a like a dam for tears, i am so afraid that if i stop, the tears will drop nonstop, but a laugh all the same. |
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| 12/5/2002 get sooooo pissed yesterday... and then started on a stage of depression... woke up today with awful headache... simply cannot think much |
| 24/7/2002 Finally a time when I actually have the mood to update this page... am soooo tired and things are not really going very well... think i am going back to some klind of wierd feelings.. what the hell is happening to me? i am very bored... Please, somone, tell me that you care, tell me that at least I mean something to someone... what is going on? why does everone just leave me behind? 7/11/2002 dont know what is happening to me... this is my first year in university, everything is already going on not as well as i want it to be... i made a lot of effort to meet new people, i swear i did, but i did not seem to be 'cool' enough for everyone else. Sometimes, I really feel like killing myself, i thot university wud be a new start and so i wud be able to start my life refreshed, leaving all the bad memories and my vicious past behind me. Well, life is not that easy. The more time I have to spend by myself, the more lonely i feel and the urge to cut seems to be bugging me all the time. I can be really enjoying myself this moment with friends, but after they were gone, it seems that the whole world left as well... i really hate this feeling 22/11/2002 I feel a sudden urge to write this, I really have to tell this out, it keeps on going thru my mind, i had this friend, i know, i use 'had', she is not with me anymore. It was actually quite a long while ago since she killed herself, but she was always those type of cheerful girl, she was always smiling, caring and lovely. I knew that she cut, she always did, but since i had too many problems of my own at that time to care what was going on around her, I never made an effort to find out what happened. I feel really guilty. I supposed the nite she killed herself, she just cut a little deeper than usual, then she got scared but went to sleep anyways... She really is not those type of ppl who wud kill themselves. I dont wanna think about this anymore 4/12/2002 i just read thru the mxgs u guys left in this guest book, thanks... i really dont know what to say... but it is so nice that i know there are actually people in this world who actually cares enuf to read all these crap i write. I will do my best to update this page and thanks very much... |