i can't remember the last time i slept as well as i did last night. jess and i cuddled up in bed together. i, lying in my usual fetal postition on my right side, held her arm which she draped across my side. i normally lie in bed for a while before i fall asleep, thinking, frightened, and feeling pathetically alone. it was so nice to just lie there in her embrace, feeling safe, warm and comfortable. i fell asleep right away into a content slumber. i usually wake up during the night multiple times during the night, springing up in my bed, looking around, wondering where i am. i woke up numerous times last night, but each time, i just rolled over and put my arm around jess. i was not afraid or alone, just so content. ::sigh:: i haven't felt that way in soooo long. it's rather pathetic.


so today's christy's dad's 50th birthday party. all her relatives are in the other room completely trashed, singing, dancing, falling over in their drunken stupors. it's rather entertaining.


so i'm taking a moment now to catch up on my reading, finding a few things i've not read yet, and i have to admit that even still--reading some of this stuff still makes me completely sick. my desire to know as much as i can about this situation concerning brandyn and kat is much stronger than my concern about getting hurt by what i read. it's my own fucking fault for feeling like shit afterwords, i'm too goddamn curious. i've assessed i'm just way too vulnerable at this stage in the whole situation to read it and be unaffected by it. i should just move on, and forget about the whole thing. i can't figure out for the life of me why i continue keeping up on it all. i'm such a dumbass.

but i think i'm beginning to see a faint light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. every day i feel myself growing increasingly numb and careless about anything concerning brandyn. apathy is becoming my best friend--i'm better off that way. i'm starting to see that maybe he was right. there is no chance that we'll ever be together again, and i realize this now. i don't want him, i don't want anyone (rather, this is what i tell myself). he has no concern for anyone but himself and kat. we are not friends, and we will never be again. i say this in all seriousness, and i'm not being overly dramatic. i never knew he had such potential to be so cruel and uncomforting. i've never been treated like such a fucking moron in my life, and i've never been treated with such disrespect by anyone. i consider any of the physical abuse i endured with tony more respectful than the way brandyn's been treating me these last few months. i'm wondering if i'm somehow attaining something that resembles self-respect and not putting up with this bullshit, as i think "i don't need to put up with this. i've NEVER done anything to deserve the way he's been treating me." i once treasured anything we had, even after all the love was gone, whatever that was... now all i feel is bitterness and sorrow that something that was once so wonderful has been smashed into tiny, stupid pieces.


so i think i'm going to start keeping my journal in my livejournal. this whole journal on my web page thing is getting too time consuming to keep up with, and is really just a pain in my ass. not only that, but i'm running out of space in my geocities account. so, if anyone gives a shit to keep up with anything that's going on, my livejournal address is here:

imastupidfuckingcuntassbitch

if not, then fuck off.. i don't give a shit.

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