"i am so hungry today,
my stomach aches--
but the thought of eating
instantly upsets it.
i cried myself to sleep last night,
i miss brandyn more than anything
in the world.
these words
have been the only relief i've felt
in what's felt like an eternity.
all that had been securely
under my feet has fallen,
shaken, disappeared.
as i float
through the days, i search
for security, anything
i can grab ahold of
that reminds me of safety
and the way things used to be.
the thought of brandyn is the primary source
of both comfort and intense longing.
smashing these pumpkins,
i can feel you in me.
in you i take scars...
we must never be apart.
'cause sometimes
love just ain't enough,' i think to myself, heartbroken.
i want you to myself.
i want you forever.
i adore you."

this passage had not been written long ago, but it's so funny how drastically things have changed since then. he has kat. they are together in ever sense of the word. i laugh when i think i meant any more to him than just the favor of the week. anything beautiful or special we had between us has been destroyed. i long for the way things used to be, but i'm not about to go back. it's just a joke--one big fucking joke. i just feel like the idiot for going along with it the entire time.

so my mind's been really cluttered lately, these things just seem to sort of... spill out throughout the day.

i am not
the clothes i wear,
the food i eat,
my group of friends,
the cigarettes i smoke,
the grades i earn,
how much i sleep,
the way i walk,
my sexual orientation,
the scars on my body,
nor the open wounds,
the music i listen to,
the drugs i take,
my love for him,
the hate for myself,
where i live,
how i act,
my shame,
or courage.

none of this defines
who i am.
i am,
unfortunately,
wholly,
simply,
me.

i feel the most overwhelming urge to just scream out and cry...

to stop trying so hard to keep myself together, and just let it all fall apart, crumble down in one final collapse. i can't let anyone see this inside me. i must wear this facade, keep it together a little while longer outwardly. i've already assesed that my insides have nearly completely shattered--but only i can pick up the pieces to put myself back together. no one can help me, i'm too far along to look back now. face down, nose buried in the shit of this earth. i need to find the strength to lift myself up, to try moving...... on. but i assume i'll lie here, just a bit longer. maybe discover something inside, something powerful, if i wait long enough. or maybe i'll lie here in vain, hoping, waiting to discover something that doesn't, and will never, exist.

eathing, clawing, tearing at my brain
please.
please....
just leave me the fuck alone.
i grow tiresome of my thoughts;
they weigh me down,
heavy, pressing, suffocating me.
please, just stop, just fucking stop.
just for a while--
the air has become so thick down here.
it's becoming hard....
to breathe.