i've come to the conclusion that that are two main goals in life--to be happy and to love (or be loved). i have noticed only recently that i suffer from an absence of both love and happiness in my life.(not a complete lack of love, as i've a few very wonderful friends, but nearly absolutely void of anything happy--whatever that may be). this, as i've concluded, may be the most obvious explination for my recent downfall. comparable to a machine that functions only as its been programmed. so how do i function, on what fuel do i run? hope, i assume. all resources have already expired. that which keeps me going is the hope that one day i wil find these things again. love and happiness, nearly one in the same, seems to be the goal at hand.


so then comes the question. should one seek these things out? it seems to me that in doing so, one becomes incredibly vulnerable. is someone willing to give up so much to only be disappointed in the end and be rendered completely useless to themslves and society as a whole? as i have not yet, even after so much time, become comfortably numb. so is it numbness that i seek? it seems sad--i don't pity myself though (as difficult it is at times). i was the one who allowed myself to let him in. i'm the one to blame. so how do i get him out once he's in? truthfully, i think he'll be with me forever, no matter how hard i try to push the pain away. the only remedy is time--to wait it out. it's becoming a grueling process, overcoming this addiction. like i said before, i'm just a junkie. i like to think i add up to more--that i have more to offer this fucked up world, but... i don't.

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