i drempt of brandyn again last night, only... it was different this time. it was him, chirsty, candice, someone else (i can't remember who) and me. we sat around playing video games over at brandyn's like nothing. i was sure at the time brandyn had been enjoying christy's company even more so than my own (in all reality, he probably would). i don't recall him acknowledging me throughout the entire dream. christy, i think, had been the only person who interacted with me, as she hugged me once. i haven't decided if i had actually been in the dream, or rather, just a spectator, watching the course of events unfold by themselves. how ironically similar to reality.

i haven't bee missing home much (except a select few people). mom and i weren't especially happy with one another at the end of our last meeting. she gave me the "you're fucked up" lecture.
"i wish you were happy...blah, blah, blah...you can only find it in yourself, y'know."
"you need to be respectable and responsible..."
"when are you going to stop 'slicing and dicing'...::bangs head against window:: you need to respect your body."
"where did i go wrong?"
"...you can't even admit to me that you're a 'lesiban' when you cut your hair like that and hang out over at christy's all the time; what am i supposed to think?"
"you need to start caring a little more about what other people think of you."
"maybe you should not come home for a while."
"surround yourself with positive people. your world is so dark and dismal. you need to see past all this."
"you need to stop and look at what's going on around you. you're so into yourself and your own problems..."


i stared out the window the whole time, motionless, wanting to scream in retaliation, but i just sat there, not saying a word. it doesn't matter what she thinks. she doesn't know me at all.

so other than that, i've been reading a lot of sylvia plath, and doing quite a bit of writing on my own.



so we went to a movie tonight--lost and delirious--christy, candice, genelle and i. everywhere i turn, a reminder. it's so funny how i relate everything to you. sick, i know. i am sick. it's so fucked up. the music fills my head, my heart swells, shrinks, and collapses. 'cause nothing compares... to you... you weigh on my mind like a two ton brick--i'm getting so tired, worn, fatigued by its weight, and soemtimes... i fall. a few caffene pills tonight, some blood's been spilt, i am so tired. she just looked at me, right at me, into me, and for once-- i didn't look away in shame. i know she sees this disease inside me, spreading, consuming every part of me, all thiat is alive--anything worth saving. the light i used to see, a light around me, illuminating my face, radiating from my eyes.. but i feel it slowly fading, dimming to a greyish vomit. i cannot stop it, it fills me, eats me. i cried tonight. i see so much pain around me, but my sorrow is not for them.. rather, myself. (how selfish). but i feel no pity for me. how can anyone feel sorry for a monster?



i am alone in this, my heart (what's left of it) fills with rage, bitterness, loathing itself for continuing to beat. why can't you just stop beating for a while? all you are is one big fucking reminder of what i once had, of what i used to be. why don't you do us all a favor and give up? these pills (maximum strength my ass) can't even cooperate. i thought 7 would be enough, but.. alas.. it is not. no--i don't want to die, i'm not crying for help. i just want the shit to stop. i want to fade in and out of consciousness, forget where i am for a while, forget who you are. but--i doubt i'll sleep much tonight. i'll wrestle with this for a bit longer, bleed a bit longer, pretend everything's okay a bit longer ::laugh::

aha haha ahhah ahaa
hehe. i may trip, but if i fall

i'll just lie there a while and laugh
laugh lauaughah ah la ughha at myself

mem me me em you oyou uo uoyo u

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