i hate it how i hate myself and how frustrated i become when i realize how much i hate myself, and how unfair it is to me-i can never be perfect. they're all so beautiful, so intelligent and lead such wonderful lives, and here i am struggling to keep my head above the depression that continuously pulls me down. this self-loathing has no appearent source, no beginning, no end, and i just don't care enough to pay attention anymore. my heart is slowly being consumed by listlesness as a defense against their perfect world against a love that treats me like i'm something that happened to him. neglected adn taken for granted i'll always be with you-in your heart and in your head. you've "set me free" but i don't want to fly away; i've no where to go, i just want to stay. something i've done, something i've said? it only adds to the hatred i have for myself and to the love i have for you. i want to rip this up, nothing's ever good enough to meet my own standards, or yours for that matter. but fuck myself, fuck it all and stop trying so hard to be perfect like the rest of the world. be proud of your individuality, be proud that you're not like these perfect zombies. love yourself more, talk to yourself less, be proud of everything you do.
2.22.01
i slipped this ring,
once again,
around my finger
and imagined that we'd be together
forever-
just like we'd promised.
2.26.01
time moves so slowly in the stillness that entangles me and fills me. reality so easily fades away, inferior to the thoughts which consume me. the pointlessness becomes more and more appearent the more i contemplate what purpose it is i serve. the silence is becoming louder the more my thoughts scream in dispair. my heart remains the last of that which connects me to their world and mine. my heart beats faintly the more i strain to hear it, the fainter it becomes.
2.28.01
the noises in my head drown out the sea of incoherent voices that surround me. i'm locked in a room with myself, only i possess the key which protects me from their mindless babble.
3.1.01