let all the children sing..
we hate love
we love hate
we hate love
we love hate

tonight's been fucked up. mentally, i've not felt this unstable as far back as i can rememeber. (i suppose that's not very far). i've experienced the most dramatic highs and traumatic lows within a 48 hour span. my mind is having trouble deciphering exactly what's who where.

i felt incredibly triggered tonight to do some horrible damage to myself. due to my current instability, i'm not prepared to ward off urges of that nature. but i figure that once i regain some sense (however close or distant that time may be) i'll feel stupid and regret the whole thing. y'know.. i'd go upstairs, light some candles, put some music on, feel all insecure and shit. i'd stare at the razor for a while and decide to pick it up at some point, my palms would get all sweaty. i'd think about it for a while, plan where exactly i wouldn't mind leaving a scar. close my eyes, slam the razor down, and bam! instant skin splitting. i'd lie there and bleed for a while, hoping to pass out at some point. but then i realize my waterbed sprung a hole today and i'll prob'ly have to sleep on the couch for a few days. so no candles, no sweaty palms, no razors, no stupid shit tonight. shut up, liz. stop thinking about it. go to bed or something, like everyone else.

la la la laaaaaa...