yay

as it turns out, there are 4 tour guides, students of the university, and one named mike. he was about 6'2", longish black hair, wavy, thin, perfect lips, perfect facial features in every way. he was shy. it was cute. reminds me of brandyn.. ::whimper:: so we walked around the university for over 2 hours in the fucking sun. i could literally smell my flesh burning. the smell has been looming over me all day. it's still here.

when we get home, i take a little 6 hour nap and return online. brandyn's on. he won't talk to me. i've not seen him in 17 days or talked to him in 11.. not that i'm keeping track or anything. i literally begged him to talk to me. i'm truly pathetic. last night i told him the story of how, one day, he'd save me. i think i'm going to be waiting a very long time... so as i'm pleading for him to speak to me, i can't take it anymore. i can't communicate with him in any way. i can't call him, he won't answer my IMs, emails, nothing. i went directly to my room and found a fresh razor, a nice, sharp, dependable razor. i lifted up my sweatshirt and pressed down multiple times.. i'd say in the range of 8-16 times. i don't know how deep, but many have soaked through my shirt. i pray for the courage next time to push down harder so that maybe i won't be able to stop the bleeding.

break

so brandyn's finally talking to me..

i've never been so close to dying. diediEIEIDIE.