i can only dream...

so i've decided that i'd rather kill myself than get into another relationship within the next few years. i have a feeling it's going to take a while for me to recover from this one. i'm just really fucking tired of everything being my fault, everything that went wrong, my fault. he was just "getting vengance." that's acceptable. "do onto others as you'd have them do onto you," right, brandyn? would you like me to intentionally do this onto you? would that please you to know that the one person you trust with all you have, all you are, is making sure you feel the pain that he felt. that's love, man. i'd have done anything to spare you pain. you fuck with my head, intentionally unintentionally manipulate me. that's not fair. it's not that i can't handle what you dish out, i just WILL NOT put up with someone who tries to hurt me. that's really FUCKED UP. owu45tojkq34r6t89uawe4tljksdrtf

yeah, so this one time, tony started chasing me down the halls at school to tell me he keeps dreaming about me. he'd stare at me all through econ. he couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to "hang out." he wanted to "try again because he's changed and is still in love with me." oh wait! that was yesterday. i guess i forgot to turn my asshole detector on that day...fuck me...

so these last few weeks seem to be one really incredibly long day.. they're not different days, just various versions of the same one ::twitch:: the listlesness inside me keeps growing, consuming more and more each day, like a disease. ::belly grumble:: i know it's happening, but maybe i'm better off just letting it continue. i'd rather be completely and utterly empty than still have feeling and be in pain. oh well, fuck it.