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| Man Tries To Kill Himself By Jumping Off Tallest Building In The Colony; Breaks Leg In Process By: Stephen Webber |
| I'm not a happy person, In fact, I'm so unhappy that I recently tried to commit suicide by leaping from the roof of that office building on Paige over by Morningside. That 3 story piece of shit is the tallest building in this town and my best shot at turning my body into a 250 lb. Human water balloon. But of course, I can't even kill myself......... I'm so useless!!! Keep it together Stephen... Your writing an article, Anyway... Instead of dying, I broke my leg. Isn't that the story of my life, Old Stephen can't finish anything, College, The Land Before Time Without Crying, paying child support, sex without crying, and now killing myself. Aren't I the cat's meow. I promise you this, the next time I attempt to kill myself... AND THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME... I'm not going to fuck it up. You will all know when it happens too. I'm not going to be one of those people who kills themselves quietly in the privacy of their own homes, I will take my death to the masses because if I can't be noticed in life, I may as well be noticed in death. I'm gonna go to some crowded middle school parking lot after school gets out and let off 7 or 8 warning shots into the air so that everyone will come running to see what ol' Stephen is up to now... Then god willing, and I'm sure he won't mind, I blow my brains out and leave them for Consuela Hernandez the janitor to clean up. |
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