All of my life, I have considered myself to be a very strong (especially, strong willed) individual. I was never the type of person for someone to tell me what to do. That is why the situation I got myself into seemed to happen to another person. It is surprising how one person can completely change one's character and crush one's spirit, until one feels as if they are not even their own person, but a zombified shell of a body, that they do not recognize. I became like a trained dog, a dog that was afraid it would be beaten if it does not do the tricks its master wants it to. I met 'Todd' when I was 17 years old. Up until then, I had never been in a relationship before and had very little experience with the opposite sex. We dated for a total of around 2 years. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together again. That should of told me something. The first time 'Todd' ever showed any signs of violence towards me, was when we were at his friend's house at a party. He threw a drink in my face, suddenly, without any apparent reason. Then, he laughed in my face about it. I was accused of having no sense of humor because I did not think it was funny. I didn't stay mad long, making excuses for his behavior already. I thought he was just drunk and I didn't want to be the death of the party, so I shrugged it off.
Through the months, he became more aggressive, violent, jealous, possessive and controlling. This did not happen overnight, the change progressed slowly. The first thing to break away from me was my self esteem. He made me believe that he was the only man that would ever love me (put up with my 'crap' as he said) and that I was not deserving of love. He became insanely jealous. He would strike me in public just for looking at someone the wrong way. He would give me 'checkups' when I got home from being with my friends or at my parents' home, to make sure I did not cheat on him. One day, he beat me with a payphone receiver in the face, in front of a crowd of about 15 people for calling my Best friend. He would always apologize and say that it would not happen again. There was always some form of warped reasoning behind his actions too. Either he was drunk or I had made him angry or he had a bad childhood. He gave me many excuses for his behavior and like a fool, I accepted every one of them. In the end, it always ended up being MY fault. Thus, I tried walking on eggshells, so that I would not upset him. No matter how light my tread, I always ended up making him angry. Know that even if you make somebody angry, that does not give them the right to hurt u.
After a fight, he would end up posing as my savior, a devil and a saint in the same body. He would then become the man I fell in love with and he would promise to make everything better. That would last for a few days, then it would be back to the same abuse again. I kept hanging onto hope and making excuses for him, not wanting anyone to find out how it was 'my fault' or they would know what a horrible person I was. I began to believe that, why else would I get this sort of treatment? No matter what someone may say, don't believe it when that person, male or female, tells you they will never do it again. Because it ALWAYS happens again. If I had stayed one more day, I believe I would be resting in a casket, instead of writing this. I have been anally & vaginally raped by this man, that claimed he loved me, sexually abused, emotionally and physically abused. I have been strangled, smothered with a pillow, burnt, beaten in the head when I was asleep, choked with belts, beaten with shoes and have looked down the barrell of a gun. And that is not all the torture I had to endure. Just to think all of this began with a drink being thrown in my face. It can happen to anybody out there, male or female. You can't cure a person like this on love alone, they need serious pshychiatric help. It is nearly impossible for someone to understand the mentality of someone in an abused relationship that has never been in one before. I used to be the sort of person who asked, "What the hell is wrong with those stupid women?" and "Why don't they just leave? Can't they see what is going on?" But, it isn't that easy. It is different once you have walked in another's shoes. Your ability to use reason and logic are gone at a certain point, along with any sense of identity you once had. You are driven solely on instinct, with his voice always criticizing you and instructing you, always in the back of your mind. I will skip all the stuff in between and go directly to the incident which snapped me back to reality.
PAGE TWO OF MY STORY |
