23 February 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N. (Question 1) and F-Bomb (Question 2)

1. Dear Nate,
While interviewing candidates for a position at work, I met this woman who seemed, well, perfect. I could tell she was interested in me by the way she was staring into my eyes, but I was too afraid to ask her out. The last time I made an attempt to ask a woman out was four or five months ago. I've just felt kind of frozen.

Anyhow, this beauty came back for a second interview with my boss, but again, I was too nervous to make a move and barely even said "hello." Nate, help me. Is there any way I can overcome this nervousness and give this another shot?

Elliot Nesster

NATE: Oh yes, I can definitely help you. There are those of us (myself not included) that often find it difficult to express our feeling towards the opposite sex. For those people my main suggestion is mind altering substances - alcohol, pot, cocaine, hair spray, snort koolaid - whatever you need to get rid of the shyness. My suggestion is you blow some chach or roll some e and see what magical things you can accomplish.

2. Boxers or briefs or neither?

NATE: I wear boxers, briefs, and tweenies - depending on the occasion.

19 February 2003 - Courtesy of Tré Rock

QUESTION: Is it wrong to mack in religion class?

NATE: Answer a. What kind of loser macks in class. Can't you just wait until after class to get your dick rubbed? Answer B. Whoa, how horny must that chick be if she's lookin for action in class. Good find man. I think I'll go with Answer B.

13 February 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

Nate,'

Why is my basil bitter?
Tommy Tricker

Dear Tommy,

Bitter? I just met her!

-- Nate

7 February 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

Nate,
Sometimes you just want to know if the bark of Celastrus dependens is, as rumored, abortifacient. You know what I mean? I'm a plant nut--every little detail about the vegetable world fascinates me. Is there a database where I can find all I need to know about this and every other species?

Tommy Tricker

Dear Tommy,

What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. I don't want candy-ass questions about pussy shit here again. If you do, I'll get my dick abortifacient and plant a nut in your ass - BIATCH!!!

-- Nate

5 February 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

Dear Nate,

My girlfriend and I have been having sex for a while now. She has never had an orgasm during sex or foreplay, and my endurance during sex is not a problem. She says that oral sex does nothing for her. She also says that her G-spot is very hard to reach and that only one guy has ever brought her to orgasm and it wasn't during sex.
She says she still enjoys sex even though she hasn't reached orgasm with me. This woman is very special to me and I've tried everything I can to please her... but what do I do now? I want to be able to make her orgasm and enjoy what I get to enjoy.

Looking for ideas,
Bilbo

Dear Bilbo,

It looks like you're going to have to face the fact that some girls simply cannot reach orgasm through sexual intercourse. These girls often need manual self-stimulation to get off and are a guy's worst nightmare in the sheets. My suggestion to you is to give up trying to please her and fuck the shit out of her, while yelling "FEEL IT NOW BITCH! YOU FEEL MY SHIT NOW!!!".

-- Nate

5 February 2003 - Courtesy of F-Bomb

QUESTION: How much does Joe suck?

NATE: Joe sucks so much. So very much. Words cannot describe how many balls Joe has sucked upon, nor can he recount how much manjuice he has consumed. So very much...

3 February 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

Hi Nate,

My name is Justin Credible, I'm 28 and I manage a health food store near San Francisco. I've just started dating a girl I really like, Esmeralda. She's 24 and very pretty. We've had 3 fun dates so far. But, I'm kind of worried. My problem is that women keep flaking out on me by the fifth or sixth date and I do not know why. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that this has happened to me several times, but I would do anything to not lose this girl. She's really special.

I'm a good-looking guy, and attractive women are definitely drawn to me. They seem to like me a lot at first, and then things usually just go downhill from there. I can sort of feel that the same thing might be starting to happen again with Esmeralda.

Nate, what do you think I could be doing wrong? I'm always real positive. Like on our last date, I held Esmeralda's hand and told her how beautiful I thought she was, and how attracted to her I am. She seemed to like that, but I'm not sure because she also seemed a little distracted at the end of the date. (A female friend of mine recommended that I say those things -- see how confused I am?)

So, any advice you can give me would be super appreciated.

-- Justin Credible

Dear Justin,

Dear Mr Credible, There are only two scenarios that I can imagine in which a girl who seems to be initially interested in a guy begins to lose interest. Scenario 1: You haven't had sex with her. If you are waiting till she gives a sign that she wants to get boinked, then this is your time. Any girl, no matter who they are or what they say, needs dick after 3 dates. If you haven't boned her yet then you need to get with it and stick it to this ho before she bounces and starts bouncin on Booker or somethin. Scenario 2: You had sex and have a tiny wang. If this is the case - bummer. I mean, chicks like monster wangs and if you got an ity-bity wang then your wang ain't gettin no more love. If this is the case then I suggest you send Esmerelda to G-town and tell her not to scream too loud when she spies my mongo johnson.

-- Nate

31 January 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

QUESTION: "I was thinking about this, and I know you can probably help me. I'm a 30-something gay man looking for love, who loves to try new things. The person I've been sleeping with lately has a pretty bad case of herpes, but it's gone inactive. My question is do you think that if I were to use an anal toy on him, and then have him use it on me later, could the herpes spread? I'm married, so I don't want my wife (or kids) to find out about my little "hobby" until I'm ready to tell them. We've got a 4th on the way, and I can't wait to start decorating the "nursery" room again! I don't know if I'll ever tell them. That's another question I think. Is what I'm doing wrong? Should I tell them?"

NATE: This is a very complex question. Firstly, you must examine the exact location of the herpes. If he just went down on a rancid horse cock, then the problem is most likely relegated to his facial area and, therefore, any ass play is a safe and saucy time. If, however, he has a flaming case of rectal herp, you better watch your bananas cause its most likely that their journey up his asswhole coated them with herptific manjuice. As far as your marriage, it seems like you're happy in your relationship and there's no reason to mess that up. Who gives a fuck if what you're doing is wrong, as long as you're happy. I suggest that you keep your extramarital buttfucking a secret and get your wife to strap on once in a while so that she gets the impression you're still interested in her bitch ass.

29 January 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

1. You are in a boxing match and it's you vs. Heenan. How would the fight play out?

NATE: If I was fighting Heenan I would use the usual fighting style I use against people that are likely to kick my ass. I would turn around and start punching backwards, leading with my ass. That way if I get hit I'm only injured in a soft and cuddly area.

2. Have you ever dry-humped Chas?

NATE: No, I have never dry-humped Chas. Well, I have but not in a homosexual manner. More in an angry manner. Like an angry homo.

3. DO fat chicks REALLY need love too?

NATE: Yes, fat chicks need love too. In fact, they need even more love because they're not getting any. And trust me, I got plenty of love to spread among the tubbies.

28 January 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N.

1. Describe your perfect girl.

NATE: Well I would have to say that my perfect girl is a smart, interesting, funny, engaging, energetic, and beautiful young lady who lives a life full of love and cares about all of God's creatures. She also needs to have all her teeth busted out so she'll suck me off without biting.

2. What does it mean to be "snaggle-toothed"?

NATE: Snaggle-toothed, or "snaggle-toofed" as some would say, is an adjective used to describe a person or persons who have one or several teeth that stick out and are crooked. I happen to have a specific like for girls with the snaggle because they usually have low self esteem because of their hideous grilles and and are easy to bang. I also have always had personal feelings towards a certain Hanna-Barbara character ...

17 January 2003 - Courtesy of a F.O.N. (Friend of Nate)

1. How in the world do you get fired on your day off?

NATE: That is clearly a reference to one of the Friday movies and I have no fucking idea. Maybe you were fucking the boss’ wife or something (hope she’s hot).

2. How big is it?

NATE: Even though you already know, I’ll tell you that it’s a well-known fact that my nickname in high school choir was “8 and a half”.

3. What do you do during foreplay?

NATE: I’m pretty sure foreplay is when you push the girls head down while she’s sucking your dick – so I basically just sit there and push.

4. If Bugs Bunny was a girl and was hot, would you hit it?

NATE: This is a very good question. I’ve thought long and hard, and I’ve decided that I would, as long as she (he) was mostly shaved. Mostly being at least her (his) face.

5. What ever happened to Bednardz?

NATE: Bednarz can be read about in the InterNATEional Relations section. I’m not quite sure what happened to him. He’s either dead, in jail, or busy fucking his sister and making little premature tard babies.

6. If you hooked up with his sisters, would that be considered inbreeding?

NATE: This question is a follow up to 5. Since Bednarz and I are actually not related, I don’t think it would be considered inbreeding. However, it would be considered bad taste and I should be eligible for laser surgery to correct my beer goggle vision for fucking those nasty mongoloids.

9 January 2003 - Nate's birthday!

Dear Nate,

Man, I have a problem. My girlfriend and I are starting our fourth semesters of college. Over winter break, I visited her and her
family. I met her sister, and oh my God, she is very fine. Very very fine. I immediately began hatching a plan to get them both into bed
at the same time. I finally got up the courage to tell my girlfriend about my idea. Her response was, "OH MY GOD! SHE'S ONLY 12!!" I
didn't see what effect this had on the situation, but she ended up dumping me soon after that. So, my question to you, Nate, is this:
Should I pursue a relationship with her sister? I think it could turn out very well for both of us if I do.

--Horny In Houston

Dear Horny,

Here's what you do. Don't start a relationship with a 12 year old. You should wait a year, until she's at least 13, before pursuing any sort of sexual relationship with her. That's what I would do. Hope that helps.

--Nate