(different page on geocities.com/ilovehammie/september03.html instead of angelfire. angelfire is down)
9/30/03
i couldn't sleep last night...it's so unusual to have those type of nights and it's been so long...
but i guess most of all was the dream i woke up to.
you know when you see someone in your dreams it feels so real...
i saw him...we were driving to a play for theatre appreciation and a long while ago i had promised him that we would go together, so apparently this was after we broke up...i still bought a ticket to him...i think i was surprised that he came.
so we were sitting in the car together and it was dark in the back seat, the middle seat was inbetween us and i remember not looking at him at all...i remember staring so hard at the playlist syllabus and trying so hard to hold back tears..
...and i felt him look at my eyes while they were trying to blink away tears...i wouldn't look. i wouldn't look.
when we got out of the car he said he was going to sit in the front and at the end of the play they were all going to go out to eat but i just kept walking. just kept walking forward...
so waking up to this dream i feel like i want to cry but i can't. i feel like i just want to curl up and cry again but i won't let myself.
because i've done it too much already, more than he ever deserved any of these tears.
he never deserved these tears. he never deserved my affection. he never deserved me.
two tears fall.
it's just a bad way to start off a morning. it's just another realization that my heart is still missing some pieces. and it's not fair.
because he holds the pieces i'm missing.
so i wipe away my tears and get ready for a new morning of work.
i guess this whole dream stems from last night because i was studying at arc...and sitting in the big classroom was the place we would both go to study especially during finals...and the small classrooms were the same classrooms that i traveled to from the bamm dorms to bring him food and hot chocolate in the middle of the night while he was up studying. ...those still hurt.
it's silly maybe. to say i'll never cry again but to have it still haunt me in my dreams.
what made me stop crying and start my day...
betty: no crying babe
betty: *hug*
betty: u know i am here if u need me :-)
a huge *mooah* to betty...
*hugs* sorrie to everyone for the sad journal entry...there are days when i'm genuinely happy...and days when i'm genuinely sad. those are the ups and downs to life.
(first week of school never published)
mm�so much has happened the past couple of days J I never seem to find time to write about everything� but yea�it�s been really good being back �it�s just been extremely busy and I haven�t had any down time to write until now. i worked from 12-9pm Sunday night? For the freshman recreation fest�so I ran the homerun derby with my boss
and I kept track of the names�so I must have met every single entire freshman guy and for sakes of identifying them I had to ask them for their phone number�.haha�
they�re so cute�haha �If we give you our phone number, can we get your phone number?� haha!
9/18/03
it was so cute...and silly...and funny...and embarassing :)
haha...i open up the tennis center for the different recreation classes in the morning so one of the instructors is this really old cute man...old ppl are so cute!
and so he finds me later talking to this asian guy (apparently the same asian guy who i was talking on the phone b/c he had questions before) and he's like "ohh!! so you're exchanging phone numbers already?!" and then he turns to me ..and i'm already blushing..(if i could blush) like mad cause he's like "aren't you going to get his phone number? then again you probably get a lot of guys asking for your numbers and such" and all my words just come out in stuttering and i don't really know what to say...haha....i was so embarassed...
^_^
today was a really wonderful day...i watched finding nemo with judy & daisey & the boys upstairs hahaa....that was the most adorable film i've ever seen *clutches heart* i can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was *squeals* hahaha i was dying it was so cute and i was hugging my lion cause some parts were scary!
and then i shopped for songs at daisey's computer!!
ohh hahahaha...so newsflash...i over downloaded/uploaded and i'm kicked off the computer until the 25th :( boo....so i'll try to keep writing here and hope everyone i keep in touch with finds this page...til then, everyone call me :D
mmm...but my new favorite song...ohhhhhh.....yeaaaaaaa!! i spent like....2 - 3 hrs watching jason mraz on judy's computer with her. *clutches heart again*.....
*siGh*....huge crush. he's too cute. my favorite is "sleeping to dream of you" *swoOns*
mm...so after i shopped for a bunch of songs on daisey's computer i started listening to some old songs...
mm...so i guess there's always been one guy..
who's always had my heart race every time i saw him...
9/24/03
learning how to suffer well.
i went to bible study for the first time in a long time...and i think this is the first time i've truly embraced fellowship for what it really is...
i've been so afraid to call myself a Christian because of my own failures and mistakes in the past...like there was a standard i could never live up to ...i put that standard of perfection to myself and was ashamed.
i must daily remind myself that Christians aren't perfect, they are only saved by God's grace. i was so afraid of people looking at me...saying "how could she be a Christian" and giving Christianity a bad name...of being judged...
...because I would do that to other people. i didn't want to be a hypocrite. I saw other people, who called themselves Christian but still made the same mistakes...mistakes that shaped me into who i am today, mistakes who have hurt me...who have hurt those i love. i never wanted to become like that...so i further drifted away from God. ...i lost my foundation. i broke...
but i know i broke for a reason and i know i broke hard...partly as a lesson from God...and partly because i make mistakes...and i also suffer because of those mistakes as well.
...i ask God every now and then that if I should ever fall away from Him...to pull me back, to never let me go because this is what my heart truly desires. and He did. and it hurt quite honestly when He tugged because I saw the different anomolies in the relationship I was in and I didn't want to believe them. i realized this too, God tries so hard to protect us from making our own mistakes but often we don't listen. me especially, 3rd lesson learned.
...i broke the hardest this time.
He picked me up...through my friends, through church He pulls me closer to Him...I feel like a trembling girl in the corner, shaking in nakedness and shame and he picks me up in his huge hands, putting a blanket over me and letting me sleep til I am ready to begin a new day that He has planned for me...
9/27/03
there's something so relaxing to waking up to jason mraz. i feel like my entire day is going to be 'ok' and everything in the world feels right.
haha...and he's mad cute...you have to watch his videos ^_^ not his music videos, his coffee house videos at java joes. so cute!!! hahaha i can't get over it ^_^ so jason mraz is playing the guitar next to me while i'm writing this :) it's 7:44am and i meant to write but i've been so tired...
i have so much i want to write also! sometimes i'm walking and i'll come across the insanely interesting thought but when i actually write it, it never comes out so well -_- haha...aww and i keep losing my entries :( i'm so silly! i write it but i never save it and then we had the power outage! but it's okay haha...i have more to write.
like my shoe!!!!! oh man. i swear this stuff only happens to me...hahaha...well at least this many occurances...man!!!! haha okay :) so i'm walkin out of my intro to soc class with my black sandles (the one i adore so much) and it broke! my shoe broke!
my shoe broke! ...contemplates further writing on this... my shoe broke! hahahaha....yea so 15 people saw me walking. stumbling. and tripping before i looked down at my foot and saw the top come off :( so i'm actually on douglass campus. (i start feeling that 50 miles away from home mentality) and i'm walking with one shoe on and one shoe off...and feeling silly so i call up eric to see if he has any sandles for me..haha and when i call him he sounds SO tired! so he's been studying :) he had his sneakers on ready to go out and fetch me to bring me his sandles..hahaa (thanks eric) but i didn't want him to come out when he had an exam in 2 hrs....
so i'm off to limping again! and i've made it from hickman hall to loree parking lot barefoot without stepping on glass (hahaha.....who remembers that? glass and piggie slippers! hahaha...i swear! only me :D and sora finds me!! i adore her so much!! she's so sweet....and a genius at that!! ahh!!! so she tells me (i'm so excited telling my story ^_^ ) to use the rubberband from my keys and tie it to the top of my shoe so at least i'm not walking barefoot :D
so it kinda works. hahaha i limp cause otherwise my shoe will fall off :( i look funny :\ so i go to microbiology anyway cause i figure there's no harm...so microbiology ends and on my way out, i try to keep the door open for the really cute guy in my micro lab/class...haha.
yea he's cute :) but as i'm opening the door my ring gets stuck on the door and i'm limping in front of him anyway. so lets take this from what i imagine to be his view.
so i'm walking out of microbio class and this girl in front of me keeps limping like there's something wrong with her foot. i think she's from my lab period. anyway when she goes to open the door, she holds it open for me, but the door like...eats her hand and she gets stuck on it...so i'm laughing inside cause it's so funny, if you saw the look on her face she's pretending like nothing happened and she's still limping in front of me the way to the bus stop...i decide not to pass her even though she's walking slow (you could tell she was trying to hurry). she kept sticking this thing in her mouth trying to bite it but i wasn't sure exactly what it was...i decided not to ask...until i see the bus and that's when i run...so i'm on the bus and i see this crazy girl limping and running towards the bus..like suddenly she got this burst of momentum and maybe her ankle wasn't sprained...haha it was just so odd...(my personal rendition of his viewpoint)
my poor ring! :( it's my favorite ring.. it's a flower and the ring part has leaves stemming from it and it got twisted because i tried to keep the door open for a guy. *sigh* yea it was odd that he didn't walk past me, everybody else seemed to pass me and i tried to use my teeth to get my ring straightened again cause i was so upset and limping >_<
*siGh* ^_^ listen to jason mraz.
better - jason mraz
sleeping to dream about you - jason mraz *favorite song*
luvs
-becki
9/28/03
...mm. time to give a serious entry :) find myself again. life has been making a path for me...it's been incredibly busy...
...often times i find that i'm carrying more than i can handle. when you find there are so many people you love and care about but not enough time in the world to show you care...
sometimes i feel like i need to make myself stronger to take care of my friends...i realized i have limitations. when you want to be there for everyone but you can't...and you feel yourself spreading yourself out so much ...it takes over you mentally and emotionally...
it breaks my heart to see so many i love so sad...but especially the times i can't be there. i feel myself losing grip and taking on too much...but i will try harder, to be a better friend, to love beyond my capacity...*hugs.
i'm starting to become more sensitive when a guy seems interested me and i start backing away almost immediately...i think i've finally decided to stop trying to rescue...save... every single guy who carries a secret sadness willing to unfold to me...
...the guy will always take the sadness and hurt he had...and hurt me. i'm not that strong anymore to carry all of the guys burdens...i always found them so lost.
i wanted to give them so much of me ...but then they started taking pieces of me for themselves...when everything started going okay, they forgot the position they were in before, becoming selfish and hurting the one who picked them up.
i cant do this anymore. i can't save everyone or every guy, i can't run after a guy whose tears or secret story lie behind his eyes. i can't do it anymore. i have no more to give.
for once ...i want to be selfish in wanting a guy who is really out there to take care of me...no more masquerading guys pretending to protect me anymore. no more guys with empty words and empty promises.. no more with shady pasts and lies. i just. want to be loved. really loved and taken care of by a guy who is so strong.
just don't hurt me. please. my heart can't take anymore.
...repairing my dreams.